My teenage daughter has a small part in a play. We just found out that BOTH male leads are the OM my wife had affairs with. Daughter was very exciting to get a part and took the initiative to audition and win the part. She's aware that her mother dated one of the OM while we were separated, not sure if she knows about the affairs.
I can either suck it up, and go watch these plays, or ask her to drop out. What would you do?
My teenage daughter has a small part in a play. We just found out that BOTH male leads are the OM my wife had affairs with. Daughter was very exciting to get a part and took the initiative to audition and win the part. She's aware that her mother dated one of the OM while we were separated, not sure if she knows about the affairs.
I can either suck it up, and go watch these plays, or ask her to drop out. What would you do?
I would ask her to drop out. Being in a play is all about about making friends. If she works with them in this play, one or both of them may become her friend. She may even have them over to your home or go over to their home to practice lines. What would you do then? This would be very unhealthy for your marriage and your healing. You should have learned by now just how important it is to take actions to protect the love in your marriage. Her being in this play will put your love and marriage at risk. To say otherwise is just as make believe as thinking (before you learned of your wife cheating) that your wife would never cheat.
Your marriage being happy is far more more important to your daughter's well being than a bit part in a play would ever be. Yes it sucks for your innocent daughter, but it is what it is. If you marriage goes South, your daughter would later resent both of you for allowing her actions to be a factor in it. And remember, when these men cheated with you wife, they were not just hurting you, they were putting your daughter's happiness and well being at risk too. Again, I strongly recommend that you have her drop. It may suck, but it is the right thing to do.
Wife is not trying to blow it off. And I don't see the gain in using this as "you made your bed" kind of a lesson. It's going to be uncomfortable for everyone.
This is a moral question around putting my own needs first, or putting my daughters.
Daughter is early teens, and doesn't know about the affairs. She know her mother dated one of the men when we were split up. We/She also didn't know he was cast in the play.
One thing you may want to do is contact the OM and make him aware that your daughter is in the play that he is going to be the lead in. This may make it extremely uncomfortable for him to go through with the play considering that he will KNOW that you are going to be watching the play. Just the uncertainty alone of how you will react to watching him on stage with your daughter may give him cause to bow out of the male lead.
One thing you may want to do is contact the OM and make him aware that your daughter is in the play that he is going to be the lead in. This may make it extremely uncomfortable for him to go through with the play considering that he will KNOW that you are going to be watching the play. Just the uncertainty alone of how you will react to watching him on stage with your daughter may give him cause to bow out of the male lead.
I doubt the creep will react that way at all. He's already fine with it, he knows the whole of the story already.
If they were in affairs with your wife knowing she was married it would make me very uncomfortable to have my young teen daughter around them at all. They are predatory men who may see your daughter as an interesting target given their history with your wife.
Wife is not trying to blow it off. And I don't see the gain in using this as "you made your bed" kind of a lesson. It's going to be uncomfortable for everyone.
This is a moral question around putting my own needs first, or putting my daughters.
If the question is as simple as putting your needs ahead of your daughters, the answer is simple. We are the parents and as such we should be putting our children's needs ahead of ours.
As you have stated, she doesn't know the full story, maybe you should tell her. If you are in a smaller town there is a good chance that she will hear about the A from someone else. That information should come from you.
My question is how long ago was the A? Did you guys seek MC and IC to deal with things? Are you still going? If so your C would be able to help you decide if you should tell your daughter, and will help you see if you are strong enough to cope with the demands and triggers from the play.
Do listen to the other posters, sadly they are very knowledgeable in matters relating to infidelity.
This is a moral question around putting my own needs first, or putting my daughters.
Both your daughter's needs and your needs align here. When they cheated with your wife they were attacking the happiness of your family which includes your daughter. You need to do what is best to make your marriage work. Your daughter needs your marriage to work. You are only human, her being in the play will introduce many triggers that will harm your healing and marriage.
I do not want to hijack this thread by giving details, but my father allowed me to unknowingly become friendly with the woman that he was cheating with when I was young. When I later found out, it made me sick to my stomach because of all the harm that woman's actions did to my life. I honestly have never really fully forgiven my dad for that.
Although your daughter does not know about the affair right now, she will one day know, and will feel betrayed that you let her make friends with these guys.
Ethical dilemna 
