Hello all,
I have read several posts related to my situation, and saw many great insights. I too am worried, and would like to share my situation to see what you all think.
We have been married 18 years, most of it happily. We generally have a good relationship. Two years ago, we moved cross-country. It was difficult for her leaving family and friends. She’s had difficulty making new friends since moving here...except one.
She is a healthcare professional who works in a hospital setting. My job sometimes requires me to work nights. At her new job, she befriended a male doctor. He’s nice enough of a guy. He’s married and has three children. We have been out with them or social gatherings and have been to their home or family parties. There’s nothing too special about him as far as looks, just an average guy and even kind of nerdy.
Being the one who pays the bills, I review our cell phone bill and I view the activity. I noticed a lot of text messages between the two, mostly during work hours. It is understandable that they text while at work because they need to communicate their location, what they’re doing next, etc.
Just to be sure, I looked at the text messages on her phone and noticed they also talk about where to go for lunch. When I asked her about this, she says often a group goes out together for lunch. What really got me curious was that she first said that she “never goes to lunch alone” with him, but then later said “she rarely goes to lunch alone” during the same conversation.
I sort of blew it off, but that concern was still in the back of my head. As I went about to regular life paying the bills, I noticed several messages between them during non-working hours. What really had me concerned was that she sent him photos while she was out of town (he wasn’t with her).
Out of concern for our marriage, I again took a look at her text messages when I got the opportunity. I saw that the pictures were of food that she was eating and they spoke a lot about restaurants. I never knew my wife to be a foodie, but she sure appeared like it. They would send restaurant recommendations back and forth, pictures of menus and food, etc. Normally, that would not be a concern. But, she sent quite a few messages while she was out of town but did not text me.
When I asked her about this, she said that she didn’t think I would be interested in the type of food she was eating. This is when the hairs started standing up on the back of my neck. She was sharing an interest with a male co-worker, outside of normal business hours.
I had a conversation with her about him where I stated my concern about his intentions. I almost felt bad, because he’s a super nice guy and is quite unassuming. I even joked with her that if she were to have an affair with him, she would have a great cover because I would never suspect it.
My wife says that he would never do anything because “he loves his wife too much”. Does this mean they’re talking about each other’s marriages?
She says he’s “like a brother” and “just friends”. She also got upset about the move and said that he’s the only friend she has. Man, it made me feel bad and like a jerk! I felt like I wasn’t allowing her to have her own friends, but my concern remains that it’s a guy!
The reason this bothers me is because throughout our marriage, my wife has always had the opinion that men and women cannot be “just friends”, that something sexual is always possible. My wife is the jealous type, and I thought this was to prevent me from talking to other women. But now, I’m confused. I even texted that to her, “What happened to men and women can’t be just friends?” She did not address that comment and blamed my other stressors for me being upset and that I was picking on her.
I kept quiet for a while after that to see what would happen. I noticed the amount of text messages increase. Now, it’s not a crazy number like I’ve seen on other posts here. I would say they shared about 60-100 messages per month. My concern was that several of them (sometimes more than half) were during off hours (after work) or during off days.
On the most recent bill, I noticed the texts with him outnumbered mine. (I did a CTRL-F for our phone numbers). So, I decided to dig a little deeper. We have a family calendar that shows our work schedules. I took the past three months cell phone bills and compared their texting time with working time. Most of the messages were either after hours or off-days.
Again, these aren’t crazy numbers but there is still concern. For instance, there were 8 messages while I was at work. Not so bad.
Another set of messages appeared after I had gone to sleep. The conversation started at 10:53 PM and went until 11:26 PM. I was surely asleep by that time because I had a long day at work. Ok, getting concerned but there were only about 15 messages exchanged.
On a day that I had to work night shift, I slept during the day and there were about 8 message exchanged while I was asleep.
One day I had work all day and there were about 34 messages exchanged during that time.
There were other messages during my sleeping time, but again not crazy numbers. Just a few here and there. I’m thinking I either have cause for concern or she is just not wanting to text him while I’m around so I don’t get upset. Now I am curious to get into the phone and compare the log with the bill to see if there are any deleted messages. I’m sure that would tell me a lot.
Other than going out for lunch together, I don’t think they actually meet up outside of work unless we’re all together. I’m just concerned about the continuous texting. There are some days they don’t text at all.
So after reading posts on here about emotional affairs and such, I am concerned. She has found companionship outside of the marriage, although I do not believe it is physical. Heck, I don’t even know if it’s emotional. But to me it seems highly inappropriate to be texting each other outside of work.
I also looked into signs of emotional affairs, and some are there while others are not.
1 - Suddenly secretive - Not really, unless she’s good at it.
2 - Mentioning the other person repeatedly - Well, sometimes.
3 - Partner seems disconnected, intimacy changes - Not so sure about this one either. We often become disconnected due to our busy lives, and intimacy goes up and down.
4 - Partner becomes critical - Sometimes she does criticize me, but not a lot.
5 - Your gut tells you something is wrong - Well, yes. I am obviously not at ease about this.
Am I being an overprotective jerk? Should I let them be “just friends” and do nothing? Has anyone else ever experienced this? From what you’ve read, does it seem like they’re just good friends?
I do plan on addressing this with her, once again. I want to wait until I can look more into the content of the messages and see if any are deleted.
I was thinking about telling her that I often text a female co-worker after my wife went to sleep or was away at work and that we share an interest in (fill in the blank). And that we often communicate away from work. After seeing her reaction, I will tell her that I did not do any of those things -- she did. I believe it’s the only way I can get her to understand how I feel about it.
So am I stressing over nothing?
I have read several posts related to my situation, and saw many great insights. I too am worried, and would like to share my situation to see what you all think.
We have been married 18 years, most of it happily. We generally have a good relationship. Two years ago, we moved cross-country. It was difficult for her leaving family and friends. She’s had difficulty making new friends since moving here...except one.
She is a healthcare professional who works in a hospital setting. My job sometimes requires me to work nights. At her new job, she befriended a male doctor. He’s nice enough of a guy. He’s married and has three children. We have been out with them or social gatherings and have been to their home or family parties. There’s nothing too special about him as far as looks, just an average guy and even kind of nerdy.
Being the one who pays the bills, I review our cell phone bill and I view the activity. I noticed a lot of text messages between the two, mostly during work hours. It is understandable that they text while at work because they need to communicate their location, what they’re doing next, etc.
Just to be sure, I looked at the text messages on her phone and noticed they also talk about where to go for lunch. When I asked her about this, she says often a group goes out together for lunch. What really got me curious was that she first said that she “never goes to lunch alone” with him, but then later said “she rarely goes to lunch alone” during the same conversation.
I sort of blew it off, but that concern was still in the back of my head. As I went about to regular life paying the bills, I noticed several messages between them during non-working hours. What really had me concerned was that she sent him photos while she was out of town (he wasn’t with her).
Out of concern for our marriage, I again took a look at her text messages when I got the opportunity. I saw that the pictures were of food that she was eating and they spoke a lot about restaurants. I never knew my wife to be a foodie, but she sure appeared like it. They would send restaurant recommendations back and forth, pictures of menus and food, etc. Normally, that would not be a concern. But, she sent quite a few messages while she was out of town but did not text me.
When I asked her about this, she said that she didn’t think I would be interested in the type of food she was eating. This is when the hairs started standing up on the back of my neck. She was sharing an interest with a male co-worker, outside of normal business hours.
I had a conversation with her about him where I stated my concern about his intentions. I almost felt bad, because he’s a super nice guy and is quite unassuming. I even joked with her that if she were to have an affair with him, she would have a great cover because I would never suspect it.
My wife says that he would never do anything because “he loves his wife too much”. Does this mean they’re talking about each other’s marriages?
She says he’s “like a brother” and “just friends”. She also got upset about the move and said that he’s the only friend she has. Man, it made me feel bad and like a jerk! I felt like I wasn’t allowing her to have her own friends, but my concern remains that it’s a guy!
The reason this bothers me is because throughout our marriage, my wife has always had the opinion that men and women cannot be “just friends”, that something sexual is always possible. My wife is the jealous type, and I thought this was to prevent me from talking to other women. But now, I’m confused. I even texted that to her, “What happened to men and women can’t be just friends?” She did not address that comment and blamed my other stressors for me being upset and that I was picking on her.
I kept quiet for a while after that to see what would happen. I noticed the amount of text messages increase. Now, it’s not a crazy number like I’ve seen on other posts here. I would say they shared about 60-100 messages per month. My concern was that several of them (sometimes more than half) were during off hours (after work) or during off days.
On the most recent bill, I noticed the texts with him outnumbered mine. (I did a CTRL-F for our phone numbers). So, I decided to dig a little deeper. We have a family calendar that shows our work schedules. I took the past three months cell phone bills and compared their texting time with working time. Most of the messages were either after hours or off-days.
Again, these aren’t crazy numbers but there is still concern. For instance, there were 8 messages while I was at work. Not so bad.
Another set of messages appeared after I had gone to sleep. The conversation started at 10:53 PM and went until 11:26 PM. I was surely asleep by that time because I had a long day at work. Ok, getting concerned but there were only about 15 messages exchanged.
On a day that I had to work night shift, I slept during the day and there were about 8 message exchanged while I was asleep.
One day I had work all day and there were about 34 messages exchanged during that time.
There were other messages during my sleeping time, but again not crazy numbers. Just a few here and there. I’m thinking I either have cause for concern or she is just not wanting to text him while I’m around so I don’t get upset. Now I am curious to get into the phone and compare the log with the bill to see if there are any deleted messages. I’m sure that would tell me a lot.
Other than going out for lunch together, I don’t think they actually meet up outside of work unless we’re all together. I’m just concerned about the continuous texting. There are some days they don’t text at all.
So after reading posts on here about emotional affairs and such, I am concerned. She has found companionship outside of the marriage, although I do not believe it is physical. Heck, I don’t even know if it’s emotional. But to me it seems highly inappropriate to be texting each other outside of work.
I also looked into signs of emotional affairs, and some are there while others are not.
1 - Suddenly secretive - Not really, unless she’s good at it.
2 - Mentioning the other person repeatedly - Well, sometimes.
3 - Partner seems disconnected, intimacy changes - Not so sure about this one either. We often become disconnected due to our busy lives, and intimacy goes up and down.
4 - Partner becomes critical - Sometimes she does criticize me, but not a lot.
5 - Your gut tells you something is wrong - Well, yes. I am obviously not at ease about this.
Am I being an overprotective jerk? Should I let them be “just friends” and do nothing? Has anyone else ever experienced this? From what you’ve read, does it seem like they’re just good friends?
I do plan on addressing this with her, once again. I want to wait until I can look more into the content of the messages and see if any are deleted.
I was thinking about telling her that I often text a female co-worker after my wife went to sleep or was away at work and that we share an interest in (fill in the blank). And that we often communicate away from work. After seeing her reaction, I will tell her that I did not do any of those things -- she did. I believe it’s the only way I can get her to understand how I feel about it.
So am I stressing over nothing?