What constitutes a serial cheater?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-13-2011, 11:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What constitutes a serial cheater?

What exactly constitutes a serial cheater? I have been looking online and most of the references involve rich celebrities with lifestyles that are definitely not the norm. But, what about the real world? Is it more than one PA in a few years time, or more than 3 EA's? I know my exh was a serial cheater, although he doesn't. So where in the sand is the line drawn, that changes the definition from a cheater to a serial cheater?

Many thanks in advance.
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Old 11-13-2011, 11:56 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

I consider anyone who has cheated more than once, at any point in her/his life a serial cheater. I think the distinction between these folks and other , one time cheaters is that they demonstrate that they learned nothing by their mistakes and that they really see nothing wrong with cheating.
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Old 11-13-2011, 12:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

Serial cheating is a life style, rich or poor, famous or just some "joe". Serial cheating is a behavior that is addictive and the chemicials in the brain make a wayward continue to sleep around even though the pain the next morning sucks.

Some folks have there wires crossed and the moral compass is broken. In my experience the behavior is not a constant, but an on and off behavior that last for years.

In my case my W was straight for 3 to 5 years but went wayward, then straight again for a few more years. As her addiction progressed it got as bad as ONS on a monthly bases.

My point is serial cheating is a behavior flaw that continues throught ones life......a life style.

It is up to that person to make the the changes in them selve to stop this addiction, change thier unhealthy life style. Theres not a damb thing we can do, but control the thing we have control over.

I hope this makes sense, b/c there is a big difference between a mistake and a consistant behavior that leads to self distruction.
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Old 11-13-2011, 12:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

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Serial cheating is a life style, rich or poor, famous or just some "joe". Serial cheating is a behavior that is addictive and the chemicials in the brain make a wayward continue to sleep around even though the pain the next morning sucks.

Some folks have there wires crossed and the moral compass is broken. In my experience the behavior is not a constant, but an on and off behavior that last for years.

In my case my W was straight for 3 to 5 years but went wayward, then straight again for a few more years. As her addiction progressed it got as bad as ONS on a monthly bases.

My point is serial cheating is a behavior flaw that continues throught ones life......a life style.

It is up to that person to make the the changes in them selve to stop this addiction, change thier unhealthy life style. Theres not a damb thing we can do, but control the thing we have control over.

I hope this makes sense, b/c there is a big difference between a mistake and a consistant behavior that leads to self distruction.
This makes total sense to me. I look back over the 24 years I was with my exh and I see the pattern now, at first it was just polite to women, a little glance here and there. Then flirting because it made him and them feel good. He had a PA when separated and kept seeing her when we were "working on things", because he wasn't sure if we would work out. This is when I really noticed the change, he started contacting women from his past of over 10 years, telling them how hot they were now. Started chatting sexually and flirting online, stupid FB. Then to a ons, then off to multiple ea's many at the same time and coming home at 4am when off work at 11pm.

My ex should be a professional gaslighter, after reading my above statement I cannot believe that I was doubting my belief he was a serial cheat.
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Old 11-13-2011, 12:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

You shoud read "The Sociopath Next Door".
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Old 11-13-2011, 12:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

My ex husband was a serial cheater. He has never been faithful in any relationship he has ever been in nor will he ever be faithful in any future relationships. He was cheating on me before we got married and after we were married. He even had sex with another woman the night before we got married. He had at least 10 affair partners that I know of. I would bet there were more though. Two of those he formed a relationship with, the rest were just fvck buddies. I was with him for 15 yrs, married 14. I stayed with him for several reasons, with one being I didn't want to face the reality of the situation. Serial cheaters are often very narcissistic people who blame and gaslight their spouses so bad that the spouse actually believes they are at fault for their cheating spouses actions. I am now happily divorced from my serial cheating husband and I now know that I was never responsible for his cheating but I still often kick myself for ever staying with him as long as I did.
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Old 11-13-2011, 01:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

Better late than never Apple.
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Old 11-13-2011, 02:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

This topic has been on my mind - thanks for bringing it up. I, also, have researched trying to straighten out the distinction but still don't have a clear understanding.

I read the "Sociopath Next Door" and while it was interesting, I didn't think it exactly applied to my exH. Unless I misunderstand, it seems that sociopaths have no empathy whereas narcissists do but are skillful in turning it off so that they can justify that what they want is not bad. My exH had me so turned around in believing that his flirting meant nothing to him, that the questionable evidence was nonsense...just crazy women contacting him, that the realtor was on the up and up. All of it based on lies that I wanted to believe was the truth until I couldn't deny it any longer. And yet, when he heard of something sad happening to someone, he had a soft heart that melted & couldn't stand to see their hurt. I guess it was OK to have empathy when it didn't concern something that he did.

So my husband had 1 EA and 2 PAs (both of them involved him moving out with them) and probably more that I do not know of. He moved across the country with his current partner. We divorced almost a year ago and they are still together despite what the statistics say. He says that he finally learned and does not want to lie or cheat anymore because he is tired of it (he is 58 and she is 44). I do not see any evidence that he has truly "hit the wall" and he still says he misses me & wishes he was back. Does that qualify as cheating on her???

I believe the first few years he was somewhat "good". But as I think about it now, I see signs of his tendency thereafter (married 17 years). For the sake of understanding these type of people, is he a serial cheater and will he always be?
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Old 11-13-2011, 03:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

I would guess that a very high% of serial cheaters, and,perhaps a slightly lower% of folks in LTAs, are disordered personalities.
Just think about the selfishness and the comfort and aplomb they have with lying, longterm. Thye can sleep and function normally while doing this.
I do not think a normal person could be so adept and functional while engaged in this.
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Old 11-13-2011, 03:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arnold View Post
You shoud read "The Sociopath Next Door".
I have that around here somewhere. I agree with maybe 60% of it.
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Old 11-13-2011, 04:09 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

And they of course become a serial liar. And the lies and cheating get so severe that they get careless with what they are doing and usually leave a trail of red flags for miles. Like shoplifters that start out sneaky and careful but get to the point of walking out the store door with a large screen tv thinking no one will check them.lol.
It seems to me that this is easier for women to get this extreme because co-workers will tell on a man before they tell on a woman for fear of violence. The more I would try to get my WW to stop the more she did it out of spite it seemed. And yes,they do become addicted and though my wife is 57 she still flirts with younger guys I guess for the 'rush'. She looks younger and is petite and pretty but if I question her about something I saw her do...she tells me she has never been flirted with....Yeah,right!!!
After reading this thread so far I am wondering if I have spent my life with a sociopath that I have let rugsweep and thus she has continually got worse.
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Old 11-13-2011, 04:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arnold View Post
Better late than never Apple.
Isn't that the truth. It saddens me I'm figuring this all out in my early 40's, but thankful I'm not in my 60's.

So what happens after you figure out your spouse or ex has BPD? I do feel somewhat of an obligation to try and get him the help he needs. If not he will just bring pain to others in his life, which will filter down to our children. Or do we just walk away? It's beyond taxing to try and convince someone they have an issue, even with all the evidence in front of him, and years of it, he cannot accept that he needs help. He does think he "may" have ADD which causes him to be impulsive and did agree to go to counseling 3 months ago, but has only gone twice, due to scheduling issues.

Would reading "The Sociopath Next Door" offer me any insight or guidance?
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Old 11-13-2011, 10:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

I have a confirmed diagnosis of my WH BPD...from a professional....I should have known then that it would only get worse....porn addiction to lust to EA to PA.....and I wonder why I am still trying...I wonder to myself am I crazy.....??????
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Old 11-14-2011, 04:46 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

Once that line is crossed, it makes it so much easier to cross it again until there is no line. Anything more than once, whether it be EAs or PAs is what I would consider a serial cheater. Now I'm not saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater", because there are always exceptions to that.

Some cheat, become remorseful, and never cross that line again. But from what I've seen in real life, and reading forums on the web, those people are the exception, not the rule. This is why I have to give credit where credit is due to all the former waywards in this very forum who have been on the other side, have reformed, and help all the betrayed here. Yes, they cheated but learned from that experience and take the time to help others. That shows real character.
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Old 11-14-2011, 05:47 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: What constitutes a serial cheater?

I view it as the supreme court views obscenity- I know it when I see it
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