my wife's emotional affair
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Old 11-14-2011, 11:39 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default my wife's emotional affair

My wife and I have been married for almost five years. We have a two year old daughter. I have tried to be a supportive husband and recently supported my wife when she asked to audition for an amateur show at a local community theater. She got a part and had rehearsal two nights a week, during which time I stayed at home with our daughter while she slept.

Turns out that my wife cheated on me with an actor from that show. She wouldn't have even had the opportunity to meet him had I not shown my support and encouraged her to pursue this hobby knowing that it was something she enjoys. She has not slept with him, but has had hour long conversations with him every night after I've been asleep as I found out when I got my last phone bill. In fact, two weeks after these conversations started, she told me she wanted a divorce and asked me to leave our bedroom and to sleep in the guest room. Now she has been having those conversations with him from our bedroom every night.

We are in couples therapy and since I have found out, she has agreed to end things with the other guy in order to give our relationship one final shot, but she doesn't feel connected to me. She felt like she could tell this new guy anything and that she couldn't tell me anything. She wants a relationship that is free, easy, open, laughing etc... How can we can get that back when things are now so awkward between us because of her betrayal?

I want to be there for her and let her know that she can tell me anything, but at a time like this, I know that what she is really feeling is a sense of loss and missing her affair man who she would not be breaking it off with if it weren't for me and my daughter. I don't want to tell her she can talk to me about anything, only to then blow up and get mad if she does open up to me and tell me that what she is really thinking about is him. I worry that as we work on things, she will begrudge me for keeping her from where she really seems to want to be. How can I ask her to tell me what she's thinking and open up to me when I know that her telling me what she's really feeling is not something I want to hear?

She says that I didn't pay enough attention to her during our marriage, listen enough, appreciate her enough, do romantic things for her enough, cuddle with her enough, but now she says she wants space. It's like she is setting me up for failure because she no longer wants those things from me. If I give her space, she will be as lonely as she was with me before, but if I woo her, it seems forced and contrived to her when I went so long without doing those things enough.

The worst part is that women want a man who is strong and confident and I was that man when we met. But her betrayal has stripped me of that confidence which makes it so hard for me to come across as the strong and confident yet caring man that I know she wants.

I'm sorry to ramble, but even waking up and going to work and getting through each day is such a struggle right now. We're each in individual therapy in addition to couples therapy.

Is it worth working on our relationship when she is saying things like she doesn't feel connected to me, attracted to me, in love with me, feels like she's "done" or do I just let her go an move on?
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Old 11-14-2011, 12:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

well for starters know that waywards tend to re-write marital history and blameshift their cheating towards their spouses in order to justify the cheating

in order for you to get past this you have to get the following or else it won't work


1) No contact whatsoever with the OM, in fact have her hand write a no contact letter and mail it to him via registered mail. If he contacts her then she must ignore him and tell you about it right away. OM has to be completely cut from her life, so he she is with an acting troupe and he is there then she must go, also block him from facebook, etc
2) she must be completely transparent, she must allow you access to her phone, emails, passwords, facebook etc Her privacy is now null and void. You should also (without telling her) use spy tech like keyloggers and gps to verify her actions
3) she must show 100% true remorse and own up to the affair completely. She must answer any and all questions repeatedly and truthfully. She must realize that this is her fault and while you have problems in the marriage, you cant work on them until you get past this.

also- is OM married, if so tell his wife right away without telling your wife you are doing it


if you cant get these conditions filled then you don't have much of a chance for a good reconciliation
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Old 11-14-2011, 12:34 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

Also, realize that an EA is about chemicals in the brain. Until your wife goes complete NC and goes through withdrawal for some number of weeks, maybe two months you will not be able to work much on your marriage. She is in the fog.
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Old 11-14-2011, 12:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

Your wife is being sweet talked, and paid attention to, and whether you wanna hear it or not---this may have gone physical

you were never at the theatre---how do you know what REALLY went on---YOU DON'T

All of a sudden your wife wants a new life----GIVE IT TO HER

She wants out----pack up her belongings, and tell her go live with the actor

The actor is nothing but a scumbag, who wants an easy piece with your wife---and he got it----believe me he makes probably very little money, and her life with him would be a mess----let her see that life with unstable "bad boys" ain't so great---in fact it is usually pretty crappy---give her a good solid dose of that crappy life---

Give her a hard dose of reality---cut the counseling, and tell her you are filing for divorce---and she is now responsible, for financing herself in:re EVERYTHING------food, mtg., utilities, insurances, car, child support

LET HER SEE WHAT LIFE W/OUT YOU WOULD BE LIKE

She will wake up, and come back so fast----you just have to call her bluff---whatever you do, do not give in to her about anything----hold your ground---she wants to go---welcome her OUT THE DOOR
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Old 11-14-2011, 12:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

When you say she has agreed to end things, does that mean she has ended contact and become transparent with phones and email and where she is?

Her responses sound like someone deep in a lasting affair, not some recent hookup.
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Old 11-14-2011, 12:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

Nobody is perfect and unless she was very vocal to you about how unappreciated and neglected you were making her feel, there were other options she could have taken such as suggesting that the two of you seek couples counseling and if you refused to do it, she then could have proceeded with separation and subsequently divorce. Because she did have other options, she is solely responsible for her affair.
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Old 11-15-2011, 08:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

Thanks for the advice everybody.
The other guy is married too. She has no desire to simply move out and move in with him. We have a daughter and he lives with his wife. She literally says that her EA "filled a need" for her where she felt she could talk free and open and about anything. I'm not sure what I did to make her not feel that she could talk that way with me. I understand that she is responsible for the affair, but affairs (any type) happen when a person has to fill a need that their partner is not filling, and that is my own shortcoming.

As for transparency. She has blocked him on facebook and she even changed her phone number so that he wouldn't be able to contact him. She showed me her breakup letter and those things. However, I do not want to use spytech or a PI to spy on her. She says she wants to work on this and we have agreed that we have a common goal to be open and honest.

I told her that I will understand if after months of working on this together if she doesn't fall in love with me again. But I feel like I need to try and trust her. If she betrays that trust again and doesn't end it with her OM, then I will want out myself because I deserve someone who loves me and who I have a free and open relationship with where I feel like I can trust that person the way I used to trust my wife.

If we are open and honest, things will work for the best. Either, we'll honestly fall back in love, or we won't in which case we will separate and eventually find other people who make us truly happy.

She has even said that she could "settle" and stay with me because we have a house and a daughter, and I don't abuse her or anything like that. I told her that I would never want her to stay with me as a favor. I want her to be happy. Obviously I hope that can be with me, but she agrees that she can only know for sure if she cuts OM out completely. She has agreed to do that and I have to trust that. Spying on her doesn't do anything to help rebuild trust.

As for the "fog". I like that. I understand that in these first few weeks or months that she is going to be grieving the loss of her EA and that she will be thinking about him to a point where it will be impossible for her to see me who is right in front of her.

My only worry is time. I worry that she may decide in these next two months that she has tried as hard as she can and simply doesn't want to anymore. I hope she gives it enough time to really be over him and try to see me again.

She has done research that shows that a divorce before a child turns 3 is less traumatic because they don't remember. I would hate for our child's age (2 and a half) to be the ticking time bomb for her in terms of how much time she is willing to put in to us.

But again, at the end of the day, if she gives up, then I deserve better. I want so badly for our marriage to be what it once was and I actually want it to be better than before. I've had an eye-opening experience during this time and really can see the ways in which I wasn't there for her when she needed me.

I just really hope I'm not too late in making changes to be the man I know I can be and the one that she deserves.

But there are deep wounds that take time to heal, on both sides and we can't reconcile unless those wounds are healed and forgiven. We each have to forgive each other and ourselves. If we eventually get to here we are good again, I will have to forgive her for the affair and forgive myself for my shortcomings that led her to it. She will have to forgive me for the things I did that hurt her and forgive herself for her affair.

I just wish I knew. I just wish I could see a year into the future and see where we were. I would feel so much more at ease if I simply knew how this was going to end, but I know that I have to be patient and live day to day as best I can.

Thanks for the support.
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Old 11-15-2011, 09:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

The reluctance to verify through spy tech is not good imo, it's part of the healing process for you to be able to trust again. Simply just trusting won't work down the line, it's akin to rug sweeping and ignoring the problem.


also- tell the OMW asap- she simply deserves to know
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Old 11-15-2011, 09:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

You need to reach out to the ome and close the loop. There is hoping she stays, and there is being passive. This is your marriage and family. Fight for them.

Knowledge is the best weapon in the fight.
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Old 11-15-2011, 09:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

1. Contact the OM's wife
2. Have her leave the bedroom. Why should you move out of the bedroom if she is the one having an affair? You are way too accommodating.
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Old 11-15-2011, 09:39 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by MGKR View Post
We are in couples therapy and since I have found out, she has agreed to end things with the other guy in order to give our relationship one final shot, but she doesn't feel connected to me.
And she is not going to until you reject her like she has rejected you.


Quote:
How can I ask her to tell me what she's thinking and open up to me when I know that her telling me what she's really feeling is not something I want to hear?
Understand that right now she sees you as the enemy to her happiness, she isn't going to want anything to do with you as long as she is longing for the OM.

Quote:
She says that I didn't pay enough attention to her during our marriage, listen enough, appreciate her enough, do romantic things for her enough, cuddle with her enough, but now she says she wants space.
Typical blame shifting, she doesn't want to deal with the fact she is doing something wrong so she is making stuff up to justify herself. Ignore this.

Quote:
It's like she is setting me up for failure because she no longer wants those things from me. If I give her space, she will be as lonely as she was with me before, but if I woo her, it seems forced and contrived to her when I went so long without doing those things enough.
Right now the only option is give her space, anything good you do for her will seem fake to her anyway and besides, she has already checked out emotionally so its a waste of time.

Quote:
The worst part is that women want a man who is strong and confident and I was that man when we met. But her betrayal has stripped me of that confidence which makes it so hard for me to come across as the strong and confident yet caring man that I know she wants.
Being caring right now will only work against you, you need to earn her respect back by taking care of yourself and showing her that you don't need her. By being caring you will actually be enabling the affair and pushing her away. Show confidence by focusing on yourself and your needs, tell her she's right, you were not a good enough husband and she should leave to find someone better. Then you can find someone that won't cheat. She won't like that and you'll find the harder you try to get rid of her, the more she will fight to stay.

Quote:
Is it worth working on our relationship when she is saying things like she doesn't feel connected to me, attracted to me, in love with me, feels like she's "done" or do I just let her go an move on?
You have to move on, the more you try to "work" on the M, the more you will end up sabotaging yourself. When you stop working on the M and work on yourself then things will start to go your way.
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Old 11-15-2011, 09:55 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

You really should be verifying her commitment to you and the marriage. We've seen on theses threads more times than not the LS trusting their DS blindly after d-day only to have the affair go underground.

You both have a common goal of being open and honest? Wasn't that your common goal on the day you got married? She's already violated your trust and doesn't deserve it until she shows through her actions that she's really on the same page with you again. Due to the nature of EAs, it will be very difficult for her to keep NC.

It sounds like your wife was very heavy into an EA with the OM, this will not be easy for her to get over. You need to be vigilant, because she will crave the attention he gave to her and the attention won't be the same coming from you. It's an addiction and it doesn't go away just because the DS says they'll stop.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but stay vigilant and keep digging. Your wife states the affair was not physical, but be braced for the fact that most DS's trickle truth and it's very possible she had a PA too. Especially if she hasn't been sleeping with you, it's possible it was her way of being faithful to the OM.

Please tell the OMW, because it increases your chances of saving your marriage. The OM will be busy saving his own marriage and will most likely toss aside your wife. Don't tell your wife you're doing this, she will want to protect the OM. She'll also realize that by exposing to the OMW, the affair will most likely be truly dead and no longer an option. She'll may be furious with you for exposing, but that's evidence of a DS who wasn't really ready to recommit. They're loyalities are with the OM.

Be aware of your wife and if you think she is truly remorseful. A remoseful spouse who wants to commit will be willing to do anything to save the marriage. They'll offer to expose to the world, they'll get tested for STD's, they'll take a polygraph, they'll reveal all passwords, they'll offer to be GPS tracked, they'll take all blame for the actual affair . . . these are indicators you have a spouse who is serious about saving the marriage. If the DS balks at anything you need to heal, blameshifts, gets defensive, and trickle truths . . . it is not a good sign.
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Old 11-15-2011, 09:59 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

Never make a deal with a wayward ; your making many classic mistakes a newly betrayed spouse makes:

Contact his wife and let her know of the affair, do not tell your wife.
Do not accept your wife's NC letter as you do not know if he received it or she diluted it

No Contact Letter

Speak to her parents and ask for support explain why
Load keyloggers and snoop , this affair may well be deep underground

Your are being far to nice , man up and insist on firm boundaries and full commitment from your wife to marriage recovery.

If she does not change run the 180
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Old 11-15-2011, 10:10 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

expose the affair to OM's wife, wife parents etc.
MAN UP.you deserve better life.
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Old 11-15-2011, 10:14 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife's emotional affair

By the way, your wife sounds like a classic cake eater. She wants you to support her and your daugher, but wants the OM for the thrill. If she's already saying she feels "done" with you, then start talking about what it will be like after divorce.

Your wife is still in La-La-Fantasy Land with the OM in her mind, how they laughed and could be so open with each other. Once she puts child visitation, step-children, the OM paying alimony to his wife, her working full-time, and all the other baggage that comes with divorce into the fantasy he's playing a starring role . . . the fantasy becomes a dreary and unappealing reality.

Best of course of action is to wake her up from the fog fantasy and show her the alpha male side of you she fell in love with when you were dating.
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