We are in couples therapy and since I have found out, she has agreed to end things with the other guy in order to give our relationship one final shot, but she doesn't feel connected to me.
And she is not going to until you reject her like she has rejected you.
How can I ask her to tell me what she's thinking and open up to me when I know that her telling me what she's really feeling is not something I want to hear?
Understand that right now she sees you as the enemy to her happiness, she isn't going to want anything to do with you as long as she is longing for the OM.
She says that I didn't pay enough attention to her during our marriage, listen enough, appreciate her enough, do romantic things for her enough, cuddle with her enough, but now she says she wants space.
Typical blame shifting, she doesn't want to deal with the fact she is doing something wrong so she is making stuff up to justify herself. Ignore this.
It's like she is setting me up for failure because she no longer wants those things from me. If I give her space, she will be as lonely as she was with me before, but if I woo her, it seems forced and contrived to her when I went so long without doing those things enough.
Right now the only option is give her space, anything good you do for her will seem fake to her anyway and besides, she has already checked out emotionally so its a waste of time.
The worst part is that women want a man who is strong and confident and I was that man when we met. But her betrayal has stripped me of that confidence which makes it so hard for me to come across as the strong and confident yet caring man that I know she wants.
Being caring right now will only work against you, you need to earn her respect back by taking care of yourself and showing her that you don't need her. By being caring you will actually be enabling the affair and pushing her away. Show confidence by focusing on yourself and your needs, tell her she's right, you were not a good enough husband and she should leave to find someone better. Then you can find someone that won't cheat. She won't like that and you'll find the harder you try to get rid of her, the more she will fight to stay.
Is it worth working on our relationship when she is saying things like she doesn't feel connected to me, attracted to me, in love with me, feels like she's "done" or do I just let her go an move on?
You have to move on, the more you try to "work" on the M, the more you will end up sabotaging yourself. When you stop working on the M and work on yourself then things will start to go your way.