The below article, previously appeared on the chumplady website on October 26, 2012. It was written by the author of the Chumplady books and Chumplady blogger, Tracy Schorn. The UBT or universal bull$hit translator is a literary device she mockingly uses on her blog to ridicule, harpoon and satirize the notions, words and common antics of persons that are either cheating on their spouses, defending others that cheated or persons that are recovering or have recovered their marriages {which she doesn't believe to be likely or even possible}. Therefore, as a way of mocking and satirizing her, and to provide a glimpse of what if might feel like to be the target of such ridicule, I have borrowed her UBT literary device and put it to better use whereby I will translate her own real life questionable story about her cheating on and divorcing her never wayward first (of 3) husband.
This is all in good fun and fair use. I don't know Mrs Shorn or her family at all in real life though a friend of mine that questioned her about this situation too and who I've borrowed some ideas and words from appears to have known her dad. Where I speculate, I'm just making up a story and filling in blanks where the fictional UBT tells me too. Tracy's third husband is an attorney too, so I don't want to get sued for slander so consider this is all just opinion or fictional and I leave to the reader to use their own imaginations as to what might be real and what is not.
The article to be translated:
But what if the BS truly sucks?
October 26, 2012
by Chumplady:
It's been interesting to read the comments on my recent huff po article {link edited}. It’s pretty easy to hate cheaters and I find I have good company in that point of view, judging by the HuffPo comments. But the ones that make me pause are the ones that lay out an argument on how — no REALLY, the betrayed spouse (BS) actually, truly sucked. If the argument is made well, the commentator does not say “They made me cheat,” instead they write something to the effect of, if I had not been with someone so emotionally abusive and sexually withholding, I would not have been the sort of person who stepped out on my marriage.
And that resonates with me. Because I do think being in a bad marriage (I’ve been in two), can bring out the worst in a person. I can sympathize. My first husband was emotionally and sexually withholding. I do not want to be smug. The last year of my marriage with him, as it was all falling apart, if the right person had seduced me, I might well have tipped over to the cheater side. I remember very well thinking about it and skirting dangerously close to that side. A stay at home dad of my acquaintance kept hitting on me. And I felt absolutely desperate for affection. I ran all the traps in my head about cheating. But by the grace of God, I didn’t do it.
When I got close to that edge, what bubbled up in my mind was “I don’t really want an affair. I want to date openly. I want OUT of this marriage.”
I realize, if I had cheated, it could’ve felt like a middle path. Okay, I don’t have to have the messy divorce and the humiliation and expense. I can find an “arrangement” so I can get the sex I so badly want. It was very scary to make the decision to leave. I was a young mother with a pre-schooler and I worked part-time. How much easier to just postpone the divorce decision and cheat.
I felt then, oh I really did, that he deserved it. He*truly*sucked. He still sucks.
But he didn’t deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves that, not even the most sucktacular of spouses. But that’s not what I thought then. My decision not to cheat on him, I would like to tell you was because of my moral compass and my good values. Perhaps. But it was also based in total self interest. Once I found myself going there in my head, I took it as a sign that I needed to get the HELL OUT. For me.
And I did. I saw a lawyer. Informed him, that all the counseling and marriage saving I had been doing solo for years, was ending. I was divorcing him.
Once I saw that lawyer, drew up papers, and had that It’s Over speech, I never went back. I told him his personal life was his life, and mine was mine. Then I took a trip to London, wrote my family letters informing them of the divorce, and I had a fling with an old friend. And it felt great. Sex aside, I had forgotten what it felt like to have someone hold my hand or be kind.
To this day, I’m grateful I got out first and have a clear conscience about ending that marriage. I deeply sympathize with anyone in an*emotionally abusive and sexually withholding marriage. But cheating is NOT going to improve that. It’s a dreadful, hurtful, mutually abusive choice. I understand the impulse to strike back passive aggressively *—*I’ll show you! Hah! Watch me screw this other person! but if you do that, you need to be honest with yourself — you’re doing it to destroy your spouse. To destroy your marriage, because you’re too gutless to end it. Allowing the resulting drama do the work for you.
If you want to destroy your spouse? You need to realize that you’ve been emotionally out of that marriage for a long time. And then you need to GET out of that marriage honestly. (Assuming you’ve tried the therapy, counseling, etc. already. I do believe in giving it the honest college try, if you have kids, and no one has cheated already.) You cannot cheat on someone you feel emotionally connected with. I don’t believe we “love” people and cheat on them. It’s abuse.
Your spouse might truly suck. Such people exist. But don’t cheat on them. It just drags you down and makes you an abuser too.
Universal BS Translator (UBT) powered up and on we go.
"If the argument is made well, the commentator does not say “They made me cheat,” instead they write something to the effect of, if I had not been with someone so emotionally abusive and sexually withholding, I would not have been the sort of person who stepped out on my marriage.”
UBT: It appears here that Chumplady is setting up the bullcrap premise that although the cheating spouses she so often rips apart on her website are truly gifted at rationalizing and justifying their affairs by shamelessly pointing to their spouse's abuse, neglect and the withholding of sex, her eventual {she's gonna get to it} rationalizing and justifying of her adultery by pointing to her 1st husband's emotional abuse, neglect and withholding sex is completely different. She's out to claim that as long as you resist the advances of many flirting persons, decide the marriage is over and tell the chump up front you are going to cheat...it's not really cheating and therefor, she's a special exemption and not as bad an adulterer as the rest of those horrible, incorrigible unredeemable cheaters who she on one hand empathizes with but the other one hates them anyway
"And that resonates with me. Because I do think being in a bad marriage (I’ve been in two), can bring out the worst in a person. I can sympathize. My first husband was emotionally and sexually withholding. I do not want to be smug. The last year of my marriage with him, as it was all falling apart, if the right person had seduced me, I might well have tipped over to the cheater side. I remember very well thinking about it and skirting dangerously close to that side. A stay at home dad of my acquaintance kept hitting on me. And I felt absolutely desperate for affection. I ran all the traps in my head about cheating. But by the grace of God, I didn’t do it.”
UBT: The UBT seems indignant to digest that the most angry anti-cheater blogger on the internet actually “sympathizes” and identifies with cheaters and indicate that she just got lucky not becoming a cheater herself after all the UBT has done for her. It's almost like she understands cheaters are just humans. The UBT understands that her words mean she was probably flirting and sending out signals of distress and helplessness to this acquaintance’s husband which resulted in him hitting on her like that. UBT doesn't believe "skirting" to accidental. The first few 'choices' along the path towards infidelity are obviously undertaken. The UBT points out that, just like so many cheaters before her, these temptations and stirrings must have significance. Obviously, it's a sign from God she's entitled to more attention and a divorce.
“…..But he didn’t deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves that, not even the most sucktacular of spouses. But that’s not what I thought then. My decision not to cheat on him, I would like to tell you was because of my moral compass and my good values. Perhaps. But it was also based in total self interest. Once I found myself going there in my head, I took it as a sign that I needed to get the HELL OUT. For me. “
UBT = More crop signs from the universe she's entitled to cheat. "Once I found myself going there in my head" is cheater speak for "I was having an emotional relationship with an “old friend of mine” in Europe who was helping, consoling and counseling me about my supposed abusive controlling sex-depriving husband and after we talked, texted, skype`d and chatted for 100`s of hours over several weeks, months (or years) we started sharing feelings and concocting a way I could be with him without it “technically” being wrong ~ afterall, Daddy is a minister so I have to keep up appearances". The fact that she had feelings for another man and would be willing to even consider this is proof enough {the "sign" from God?} that her marriage was actually over and she'll never love my husband again. Praise be to decisiveness, the ultimate rationalization. The UBT reminds us that she would like us all to agree to the bullcrap premise that once the wayward spouse says it's over ~ they are free to bang whomever they want. The UBT also is pointing out that what she's really saying here is “since I'm a good person and my husband isn't...Karma/God is certainly sending me a message to divorce him”. The concluding comment, “For Me” is the BS battle cry of every selfish entitle wayward wife. What betrayed spouse hasn't heard their cheating spouse say “I had to do this “for me”, “I need space ~ for me”, or “this isn't about you, for once, I need to do this 'for me'”. It's so universal the UBT really needs to analyze little else to conclude these whole article is the ramblings of a full blown cheater.
"I did. I saw a lawyer. Informed him, that all the counseling and marriage saving I had been doing solo for years, was ending. I was divorcing him."
UBT: This is the typical history rewrite justification that a cheater presents years later to make certain to avoid the cheater label. She must rationalize her entitlement by pointing out that she was the only one that tried to work on the marriage, that she was sure to tell him "I'm done" and that she was so definitive she talked to a lawyer about it, therefore, the reader can see it really was done and not bullcrap some cheater is feeding you. The “counseling and marriage saving solo” line is added as additional 'proof' that she was good and he was bad so her subsequent cheating is justified. The UBT reiterates that none of these common excuses actually justify adultery
“Once I saw that lawyer, drew up papers, and had that “It’s Over speech”, I never went back. I told him his personal life was his life, and mine was mine. "
UBT: Now she's really pulled out the magic wayward unicorn dust and sprinkled it over a capitalized for emphasis and therefore very significant seeming `It's Over speech` supposedly announcing to husband and the world that's she's NOW a free agent and will no longer be bound by her vows {or even common decency when you intend to divorce your supposedly ill husband for selfish reasons}. The UBT then predicts that her husband probably questioned her fidelity and she told him "his personal life was his life, mine is {was} mine". The UBT machine went nuts on that one: if she even truly said it {again, sounds like a rewrite}, it's total wayward bullcrap speak for "I'm screwing or about to screw some guy, I've already got feelings for him and I'm not in love with you anymore, my bags and lingerie are packed and as of right now I declare us unmarried and I {oh, better say 'we' – 'we' sounds better} can have sex with whoever I/we want because I said so. She also says 'we' so as to really encourage him to go out and cheat too ~ because that would really make things substantially easier for her leave him and ease her conscience. The UBT was wondering when she was going to throw out the typical “you don't get to be upset about it be either because it's not cheating because I told you for years if you didn't shape up I was going to find someone else to pay attention to me and now I have” and the similar “it's MY private life and you have no right to interfere”. I mean really, the UBT just has to ask, what legitimate divorcing neglected wife who is NOT already having an affair would ever need to tell her husband, “as of today, our personal lives are each our own”. It may be the case in many situations eventually when they actually separate and begin to rebuild their lives; but, the UBT alarms here indicate it probably doesn't get clarified to this extent unless there is a already a secret "personal life" transpiring. "Personal life" is wayward speak for "my secret affair"
“Then I took a trip to London, wrote my family letters informing them of the divorce, and I had a fling with an old friend. And it felt great. Sex aside, I had forgotten what it felt like to have someone hold my hand or be kind.”
UBT= Instead of calling it a pre-arranged rendezvous to have adulterous sex with `an old friend` let's minimize it now and call it simply "a trip to London". It's just a vacation. A little trip shortly after such an emotionally draining week of such decisiveness and conversations with and signs from God. The UBT questions the plausible utility of such a seemingly light-hearted appearing visit to the old city occurring in the midst of separating from her husband but I guess she better use her vacation time or get the trip in while he's still available to babysit. Then she can come back fresh to deal with all those pesky issues surrounding lawyers, custody, separating, child distraught, parents upset and finding new places to live. A "trip" sounds all so ~~~ necessary.
Then seemingly while in London and BEFORE she found herself "flinging around" with `an old friend` and just to be sure you get the picture the marriage was over so she can now have sex with whoever she wants, she's sitting in a hotel room writing letters to multiple family members informing them of the divorce – {by mail?} creating an implication the justifying letters were postmarked from London BEFORE she even met up with such caring friend and cheated. Again, convenient timing to make certain not to disappoint her pastor father.
Then, almost as an after thought she throws down the atom bomb ~~~
`and I had a fling with an old friend`.
A `fling` -- UBT points out her bullcrap here is presented like it's just carefree youthful exuberance while on a holiday in Europe like it wasn't planned at all. It's Europe too – Europeans are just much more tolerant and accepting of affairs and maybe adultery doesn't count on another continent. Then again, it wasn't all that serious either ~~ it was `JUST` –- `a fling`, nothing hurtful or disgusting about that, right? UBT calls cowchippers on that one.
In fact, it's so NOT disgusting to her that like most every cheater before her she can't help but celebrate it and tell us readers just how wonderful the adultery made her feel --- “It felt great” (so it was worth it as long as she's happy) and, in case anyone has the gall to question if it was wrong she has to remind the readers it's all her ex-husband's fault with “I forgot what it was like to have someone hold my hand or be kind”. Meanwhile, her ex-husband is probably back in the states packing their things or otherwise scrambling, taking care of their kids, not eating, not sleeping, talking to attorneys, putting down retainers, trying to figure out where the family money went while trying to figure out where his wife is and what/who she's doing. He may have even have known all about “an old friend” in London but, either way, it's not likely she mentioned where she was going - she probably just said she needed “space” and left him hanging like every other wayward cheater--- while her husband, the UBT reminds us, is likely sitting around handling real life and destroyed while she casually has her `fling`
END UBT.
Conclusion:
How many betrayed husband's have we seen over the years here on TAM with the same or similar story as chumpcheaterlady's 1st husband? Guys who desperately post ~~ "My wife announced it wasn't cheating because our marriage was over”, “she was free to do what she wants because I neglected her”, or “I get to because God brough so and so into my life for a reason ~~ I'd be dead otherwise” only to find out a week later she's been texting and dating her boss or old boyfriend for months and she's filing for divorce but completely denying it was going on before that moment?
Unmentioned above in her column but worth noting is her supposed mentally ill uncaring sex-depriving 1st husband then proceeded to fight her in court for years over custody of the children and oppose whatever paperwork she filed to relocate with the kids and her cheating 2nd husband to rural Pennsylvania {he probably should have won considering the character and wayward behavior of chumplady's 2nd husband at the time}. Such lawsuits take money and a modicum of sanity. Truly crazy people don't have the ability to pay for or stick to such protracted legal battles. Sure that could be the punishing actions of a mentally unstable jerk ex-husband but it sounds a lot more consistent with what many of us understand many betrayed husbands do to maintain access and protect their children from their wayward mother {and her character lacking lovers}. He may very well be a completely defeated deadbeat betrayed father then and now, unable or unwilling to pay child support or visit his children much {who have since moved all around the country}, but that doesn't mean he deserved to be cheated on {even if he was told ahead of time} or to lose access to his son and have him moved all over the country against his will.
There is also the whole issue of the vows “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” that are troublesome. I heard many stories of adulterers rewriting their divorces claiming their ex-spouse was mentally ill ~~ but if her supposed mentally ill husband was not cheating on her, is there then really biblical justification to divorce him at all, let alone declare yourself separated and say you'll be filing for divorce and run off to Europe to bang `an old friend'? I believe the scriptures indicate that without biblical justifications any and all relationships, marital or other, such person has after are adulterous.
The UBT also uncovered this cowchip ~~ if 1st husband was truly that emotionally abusive and mentally ill wouldn't she be too scared or apprehensive to take the risk so quickly to betray, aggravate, and offend him especially while leaving their child in his emotionally fragile and unstable care? Cheating is an emotionally violent behavior that often begets reactive violent responses. Having a fling was dangerous for all involved.
The UBT also wondered why so many angry betrayed spouses have been so eager and willing to overlook her waywardness and cheating when they collectively appear to think and believe that all cheaters are horrible unredeemable mentally ill persons themselves? Why the double standard? Is it simply because they really like the tone of her anger and hate towards her second cheating husband that they are willing to overlook anything and everything? The anti~reconciliation group sure like to point out how waywards make for the worst betrayed spouse's but her projection seems to take the cake. Chumpcheaterlady appears to have simply got hit by the karma bus when her 2nd husband {predictably?} cheated on her after she threw away and cheated upon her Godly provided first husband. As chumplady likes to say: “Judge people on what they actually DO”. Well, is appears she's behaved as a typical rationalizing and justifying unrepentant cheater who has become an overly angry scorned chump when it happened to her and now she's set out to feed, fuel, tend to and monetize such hypocritical anger, hatred and hopelessness.
This is all in good fun and fair use. I don't know Mrs Shorn or her family at all in real life though a friend of mine that questioned her about this situation too and who I've borrowed some ideas and words from appears to have known her dad. Where I speculate, I'm just making up a story and filling in blanks where the fictional UBT tells me too. Tracy's third husband is an attorney too, so I don't want to get sued for slander so consider this is all just opinion or fictional and I leave to the reader to use their own imaginations as to what might be real and what is not.
The article to be translated:
But what if the BS truly sucks?
October 26, 2012
by Chumplady:
It's been interesting to read the comments on my recent huff po article {link edited}. It’s pretty easy to hate cheaters and I find I have good company in that point of view, judging by the HuffPo comments. But the ones that make me pause are the ones that lay out an argument on how — no REALLY, the betrayed spouse (BS) actually, truly sucked. If the argument is made well, the commentator does not say “They made me cheat,” instead they write something to the effect of, if I had not been with someone so emotionally abusive and sexually withholding, I would not have been the sort of person who stepped out on my marriage.
And that resonates with me. Because I do think being in a bad marriage (I’ve been in two), can bring out the worst in a person. I can sympathize. My first husband was emotionally and sexually withholding. I do not want to be smug. The last year of my marriage with him, as it was all falling apart, if the right person had seduced me, I might well have tipped over to the cheater side. I remember very well thinking about it and skirting dangerously close to that side. A stay at home dad of my acquaintance kept hitting on me. And I felt absolutely desperate for affection. I ran all the traps in my head about cheating. But by the grace of God, I didn’t do it.
When I got close to that edge, what bubbled up in my mind was “I don’t really want an affair. I want to date openly. I want OUT of this marriage.”
I realize, if I had cheated, it could’ve felt like a middle path. Okay, I don’t have to have the messy divorce and the humiliation and expense. I can find an “arrangement” so I can get the sex I so badly want. It was very scary to make the decision to leave. I was a young mother with a pre-schooler and I worked part-time. How much easier to just postpone the divorce decision and cheat.
I felt then, oh I really did, that he deserved it. He*truly*sucked. He still sucks.
But he didn’t deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves that, not even the most sucktacular of spouses. But that’s not what I thought then. My decision not to cheat on him, I would like to tell you was because of my moral compass and my good values. Perhaps. But it was also based in total self interest. Once I found myself going there in my head, I took it as a sign that I needed to get the HELL OUT. For me.
And I did. I saw a lawyer. Informed him, that all the counseling and marriage saving I had been doing solo for years, was ending. I was divorcing him.
Once I saw that lawyer, drew up papers, and had that It’s Over speech, I never went back. I told him his personal life was his life, and mine was mine. Then I took a trip to London, wrote my family letters informing them of the divorce, and I had a fling with an old friend. And it felt great. Sex aside, I had forgotten what it felt like to have someone hold my hand or be kind.
To this day, I’m grateful I got out first and have a clear conscience about ending that marriage. I deeply sympathize with anyone in an*emotionally abusive and sexually withholding marriage. But cheating is NOT going to improve that. It’s a dreadful, hurtful, mutually abusive choice. I understand the impulse to strike back passive aggressively *—*I’ll show you! Hah! Watch me screw this other person! but if you do that, you need to be honest with yourself — you’re doing it to destroy your spouse. To destroy your marriage, because you’re too gutless to end it. Allowing the resulting drama do the work for you.
If you want to destroy your spouse? You need to realize that you’ve been emotionally out of that marriage for a long time. And then you need to GET out of that marriage honestly. (Assuming you’ve tried the therapy, counseling, etc. already. I do believe in giving it the honest college try, if you have kids, and no one has cheated already.) You cannot cheat on someone you feel emotionally connected with. I don’t believe we “love” people and cheat on them. It’s abuse.
Your spouse might truly suck. Such people exist. But don’t cheat on them. It just drags you down and makes you an abuser too.
Universal BS Translator (UBT) powered up and on we go.
"If the argument is made well, the commentator does not say “They made me cheat,” instead they write something to the effect of, if I had not been with someone so emotionally abusive and sexually withholding, I would not have been the sort of person who stepped out on my marriage.”
UBT: It appears here that Chumplady is setting up the bullcrap premise that although the cheating spouses she so often rips apart on her website are truly gifted at rationalizing and justifying their affairs by shamelessly pointing to their spouse's abuse, neglect and the withholding of sex, her eventual {she's gonna get to it} rationalizing and justifying of her adultery by pointing to her 1st husband's emotional abuse, neglect and withholding sex is completely different. She's out to claim that as long as you resist the advances of many flirting persons, decide the marriage is over and tell the chump up front you are going to cheat...it's not really cheating and therefor, she's a special exemption and not as bad an adulterer as the rest of those horrible, incorrigible unredeemable cheaters who she on one hand empathizes with but the other one hates them anyway
"And that resonates with me. Because I do think being in a bad marriage (I’ve been in two), can bring out the worst in a person. I can sympathize. My first husband was emotionally and sexually withholding. I do not want to be smug. The last year of my marriage with him, as it was all falling apart, if the right person had seduced me, I might well have tipped over to the cheater side. I remember very well thinking about it and skirting dangerously close to that side. A stay at home dad of my acquaintance kept hitting on me. And I felt absolutely desperate for affection. I ran all the traps in my head about cheating. But by the grace of God, I didn’t do it.”
UBT: The UBT seems indignant to digest that the most angry anti-cheater blogger on the internet actually “sympathizes” and identifies with cheaters and indicate that she just got lucky not becoming a cheater herself after all the UBT has done for her. It's almost like she understands cheaters are just humans. The UBT understands that her words mean she was probably flirting and sending out signals of distress and helplessness to this acquaintance’s husband which resulted in him hitting on her like that. UBT doesn't believe "skirting" to accidental. The first few 'choices' along the path towards infidelity are obviously undertaken. The UBT points out that, just like so many cheaters before her, these temptations and stirrings must have significance. Obviously, it's a sign from God she's entitled to more attention and a divorce.
“…..But he didn’t deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves that, not even the most sucktacular of spouses. But that’s not what I thought then. My decision not to cheat on him, I would like to tell you was because of my moral compass and my good values. Perhaps. But it was also based in total self interest. Once I found myself going there in my head, I took it as a sign that I needed to get the HELL OUT. For me. “
UBT = More crop signs from the universe she's entitled to cheat. "Once I found myself going there in my head" is cheater speak for "I was having an emotional relationship with an “old friend of mine” in Europe who was helping, consoling and counseling me about my supposed abusive controlling sex-depriving husband and after we talked, texted, skype`d and chatted for 100`s of hours over several weeks, months (or years) we started sharing feelings and concocting a way I could be with him without it “technically” being wrong ~ afterall, Daddy is a minister so I have to keep up appearances". The fact that she had feelings for another man and would be willing to even consider this is proof enough {the "sign" from God?} that her marriage was actually over and she'll never love my husband again. Praise be to decisiveness, the ultimate rationalization. The UBT reminds us that she would like us all to agree to the bullcrap premise that once the wayward spouse says it's over ~ they are free to bang whomever they want. The UBT also is pointing out that what she's really saying here is “since I'm a good person and my husband isn't...Karma/God is certainly sending me a message to divorce him”. The concluding comment, “For Me” is the BS battle cry of every selfish entitle wayward wife. What betrayed spouse hasn't heard their cheating spouse say “I had to do this “for me”, “I need space ~ for me”, or “this isn't about you, for once, I need to do this 'for me'”. It's so universal the UBT really needs to analyze little else to conclude these whole article is the ramblings of a full blown cheater.
"I did. I saw a lawyer. Informed him, that all the counseling and marriage saving I had been doing solo for years, was ending. I was divorcing him."
UBT: This is the typical history rewrite justification that a cheater presents years later to make certain to avoid the cheater label. She must rationalize her entitlement by pointing out that she was the only one that tried to work on the marriage, that she was sure to tell him "I'm done" and that she was so definitive she talked to a lawyer about it, therefore, the reader can see it really was done and not bullcrap some cheater is feeding you. The “counseling and marriage saving solo” line is added as additional 'proof' that she was good and he was bad so her subsequent cheating is justified. The UBT reiterates that none of these common excuses actually justify adultery
“Once I saw that lawyer, drew up papers, and had that “It’s Over speech”, I never went back. I told him his personal life was his life, and mine was mine. "
UBT: Now she's really pulled out the magic wayward unicorn dust and sprinkled it over a capitalized for emphasis and therefore very significant seeming `It's Over speech` supposedly announcing to husband and the world that's she's NOW a free agent and will no longer be bound by her vows {or even common decency when you intend to divorce your supposedly ill husband for selfish reasons}. The UBT then predicts that her husband probably questioned her fidelity and she told him "his personal life was his life, mine is {was} mine". The UBT machine went nuts on that one: if she even truly said it {again, sounds like a rewrite}, it's total wayward bullcrap speak for "I'm screwing or about to screw some guy, I've already got feelings for him and I'm not in love with you anymore, my bags and lingerie are packed and as of right now I declare us unmarried and I {oh, better say 'we' – 'we' sounds better} can have sex with whoever I/we want because I said so. She also says 'we' so as to really encourage him to go out and cheat too ~ because that would really make things substantially easier for her leave him and ease her conscience. The UBT was wondering when she was going to throw out the typical “you don't get to be upset about it be either because it's not cheating because I told you for years if you didn't shape up I was going to find someone else to pay attention to me and now I have” and the similar “it's MY private life and you have no right to interfere”. I mean really, the UBT just has to ask, what legitimate divorcing neglected wife who is NOT already having an affair would ever need to tell her husband, “as of today, our personal lives are each our own”. It may be the case in many situations eventually when they actually separate and begin to rebuild their lives; but, the UBT alarms here indicate it probably doesn't get clarified to this extent unless there is a already a secret "personal life" transpiring. "Personal life" is wayward speak for "my secret affair"
“Then I took a trip to London, wrote my family letters informing them of the divorce, and I had a fling with an old friend. And it felt great. Sex aside, I had forgotten what it felt like to have someone hold my hand or be kind.”
UBT= Instead of calling it a pre-arranged rendezvous to have adulterous sex with `an old friend` let's minimize it now and call it simply "a trip to London". It's just a vacation. A little trip shortly after such an emotionally draining week of such decisiveness and conversations with and signs from God. The UBT questions the plausible utility of such a seemingly light-hearted appearing visit to the old city occurring in the midst of separating from her husband but I guess she better use her vacation time or get the trip in while he's still available to babysit. Then she can come back fresh to deal with all those pesky issues surrounding lawyers, custody, separating, child distraught, parents upset and finding new places to live. A "trip" sounds all so ~~~ necessary.
Then seemingly while in London and BEFORE she found herself "flinging around" with `an old friend` and just to be sure you get the picture the marriage was over so she can now have sex with whoever she wants, she's sitting in a hotel room writing letters to multiple family members informing them of the divorce – {by mail?} creating an implication the justifying letters were postmarked from London BEFORE she even met up with such caring friend and cheated. Again, convenient timing to make certain not to disappoint her pastor father.
Then, almost as an after thought she throws down the atom bomb ~~~
`and I had a fling with an old friend`.
A `fling` -- UBT points out her bullcrap here is presented like it's just carefree youthful exuberance while on a holiday in Europe like it wasn't planned at all. It's Europe too – Europeans are just much more tolerant and accepting of affairs and maybe adultery doesn't count on another continent. Then again, it wasn't all that serious either ~~ it was `JUST` –- `a fling`, nothing hurtful or disgusting about that, right? UBT calls cowchippers on that one.
In fact, it's so NOT disgusting to her that like most every cheater before her she can't help but celebrate it and tell us readers just how wonderful the adultery made her feel --- “It felt great” (so it was worth it as long as she's happy) and, in case anyone has the gall to question if it was wrong she has to remind the readers it's all her ex-husband's fault with “I forgot what it was like to have someone hold my hand or be kind”. Meanwhile, her ex-husband is probably back in the states packing their things or otherwise scrambling, taking care of their kids, not eating, not sleeping, talking to attorneys, putting down retainers, trying to figure out where the family money went while trying to figure out where his wife is and what/who she's doing. He may have even have known all about “an old friend” in London but, either way, it's not likely she mentioned where she was going - she probably just said she needed “space” and left him hanging like every other wayward cheater--- while her husband, the UBT reminds us, is likely sitting around handling real life and destroyed while she casually has her `fling`
END UBT.
Conclusion:
How many betrayed husband's have we seen over the years here on TAM with the same or similar story as chumpcheaterlady's 1st husband? Guys who desperately post ~~ "My wife announced it wasn't cheating because our marriage was over”, “she was free to do what she wants because I neglected her”, or “I get to because God brough so and so into my life for a reason ~~ I'd be dead otherwise” only to find out a week later she's been texting and dating her boss or old boyfriend for months and she's filing for divorce but completely denying it was going on before that moment?
Unmentioned above in her column but worth noting is her supposed mentally ill uncaring sex-depriving 1st husband then proceeded to fight her in court for years over custody of the children and oppose whatever paperwork she filed to relocate with the kids and her cheating 2nd husband to rural Pennsylvania {he probably should have won considering the character and wayward behavior of chumplady's 2nd husband at the time}. Such lawsuits take money and a modicum of sanity. Truly crazy people don't have the ability to pay for or stick to such protracted legal battles. Sure that could be the punishing actions of a mentally unstable jerk ex-husband but it sounds a lot more consistent with what many of us understand many betrayed husbands do to maintain access and protect their children from their wayward mother {and her character lacking lovers}. He may very well be a completely defeated deadbeat betrayed father then and now, unable or unwilling to pay child support or visit his children much {who have since moved all around the country}, but that doesn't mean he deserved to be cheated on {even if he was told ahead of time} or to lose access to his son and have him moved all over the country against his will.
There is also the whole issue of the vows “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” that are troublesome. I heard many stories of adulterers rewriting their divorces claiming their ex-spouse was mentally ill ~~ but if her supposed mentally ill husband was not cheating on her, is there then really biblical justification to divorce him at all, let alone declare yourself separated and say you'll be filing for divorce and run off to Europe to bang `an old friend'? I believe the scriptures indicate that without biblical justifications any and all relationships, marital or other, such person has after are adulterous.
The UBT also uncovered this cowchip ~~ if 1st husband was truly that emotionally abusive and mentally ill wouldn't she be too scared or apprehensive to take the risk so quickly to betray, aggravate, and offend him especially while leaving their child in his emotionally fragile and unstable care? Cheating is an emotionally violent behavior that often begets reactive violent responses. Having a fling was dangerous for all involved.
The UBT also wondered why so many angry betrayed spouses have been so eager and willing to overlook her waywardness and cheating when they collectively appear to think and believe that all cheaters are horrible unredeemable mentally ill persons themselves? Why the double standard? Is it simply because they really like the tone of her anger and hate towards her second cheating husband that they are willing to overlook anything and everything? The anti~reconciliation group sure like to point out how waywards make for the worst betrayed spouse's but her projection seems to take the cake. Chumpcheaterlady appears to have simply got hit by the karma bus when her 2nd husband {predictably?} cheated on her after she threw away and cheated upon her Godly provided first husband. As chumplady likes to say: “Judge people on what they actually DO”. Well, is appears she's behaved as a typical rationalizing and justifying unrepentant cheater who has become an overly angry scorned chump when it happened to her and now she's set out to feed, fuel, tend to and monetize such hypocritical anger, hatred and hopelessness.