Join Date: Nov 2011
| | Broken and not sure how to fix it.
I’ve never ever posted on a message board before. But I am at my wits end. Not to mention completely SICK with myself. I could really, really use some direction here and maybe discussing with people who have NO CLUE who I am will help. Here’s the “condensed” story…
In the winter of 2006, I found out that my husband of 4 years, and the father to my 7 month old infant, was having an EA with a good friend of ours. As far as I know, it was purely emotional, nothing physical, as we all lived in different states. I confronted both of them and was told that I was crazy, nothing was going on, but that they would cease all communication. About 3 months later, I discovered that they had begun talking again, this time through a different email address, using a fake name that my husband set up. Again, I confronted her, and my husband assured me it would never happen again. And as far as I know, it didn't. In the fall of 2008, after we’d had our second child together, we were at a party where my husband got caught in the bathroom with another woman (not the same one as before). HER husband caught them. My husband, again, assured me that nothing had happened, and for the most part I believed him, as I don’t think there was enough time for something too serious to transpire.
After that last incident, however, my world was completely and irrevocably shattered. I tried to forget about it, but was constantly reminded of his indiscretions. Later that fall, I began talking to an ex-boyfriend from college. We started up our own EA. That Thanksgiving I told my husband I was through. He moved out, and we lived apart for close to two years, half of which was spent with my ex-boyfriend in a long distance, physical. relationship. During this time I was never completely able to go through the dissolution of our marriage. It never felt “right”. So, in January of 2010, I told my ex-boyfriend that I had to try and make my marriage work. I crawled back to my husband, who was very indecisive about whether or not he was willing to try again. After 8 months of “dating” (primarily just sleeping together and going out with the children) he asked me to move back into the house.
Not too long after I moved in, however, the ex-boyfriend started communicating with me. We talked for about 6 weeks. My husband suspected something and told me that if I wanted out, I could leave. I told him I really wanted to get through the holidays with our children together, as they had been through enough. I told the ex-boyfriend that I wanted/needed to get through the holidays with and for my family. He was angry, hurt and told me that he was done. I was okay with this, as I noticed almost immediately that my relationship with my husband improved DRAMATICALLY when I wasn’t talking to the ex-boyfriend.
The last year has been “good”. We’ve taken things one day at a time and begun rebuilding our life together, but without any real passion. But during that time things still improved. Then it all came crashing down…
This past weekend we spent the weekend with a bunch of good friends in a cabin in the woods. There was another couple there, who we are friends with but not overly close and we see them about once every 5 years. The first evening we were there, her husband came on to me. We’d all been drinking and just having fun. I was flattered by his attention, but nothing happened that evening. The next day, I noticed him watching me very intently. We would share glances with each other as the day wore on. Additionally, as the day wore on, the alcohol flowed very freely. By the time evening came around we were all in a pretty good place. During the course of the evening things got a little out of control, and in a weak moment, he kissed me, just as my husband walked into the room. It was an awful moment, and I am sickened by the memory of my actions. I know that to say “it meant nothing” is as much of an insult to my husband as what I did.
I guess through all this, I feel like I am still “broken” by what happened to us years ago. The analogy I used was that of an earthquake. The affairs he had rocked me to my core, and while the earthquake is over and done with, and I’ve forgiven and moved on, our (his and my) actions have left a crack in me. While some people may be able to build around the crack or perhaps a build a bridge over the crack, or even ADMIRE the crack, a la the Grand Canyon, I cannot. The crack just reminds me of what happened and what I lost.
I don’t want my marriage to end. But I feel like I keep doing things to jeopardize it. I need to figure out how to either a: get over “the crack” or b: learn to live with it, and in the end, myself. I am sure there are things about me that would help with this discussion, but I think this is a good starting point. Is there anyone out there that has any advice, wisdom, ANYTHING? I thank you sincerely, and in advance.