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Should I ask wife if she is having affair, or find out more first ?

57K views 118 replies 70 participants last post by  Marc878 
#1 · (Edited)
Brief history: My wife of 16 years frequently goes out to California to visit her sisters and help with her aging father. At least that is what I am told, and I believe it 99% of the time. There are some possible signals though that the she is either having a fling / affair with old boyfriends out there, or is planning on leaving. I realize that going out for a week or two at a time is no big deal and frankly I like it that she does this. She does suffer from depression though and refuses to take medication. We have been to couples counseling over the years, but no action or work is actually ever done.

In the past I have noticed long phone calls with her ex-boyfriends. I asked her about it and she said they were just talking. Nothing else. Fine, I thought. TO BE CLEAR she has had two 50 minute calls to one ex in the past year, and two 2 minute calls to the other ex in a period of a year. The pattern is that she calls one, and then the other. For all I know she is probably calling them to ask them if she thinks I am having an affair or to get the POV on something. I am still suspicious. When I called her out on this same behavior a few years ago, in a couples counseling session, she did stop doing it for ~10 months. If it was more frequent then I would be more concerned. My earlier statement that I think it is "fine" is not correct, if I take the low frequency and her telling me that they stay in contact as old friends, and that both are married, then I did not get too worked up about it.

She just left to go to California to talk to her father about moving into assisted living. She has two sisters that live out there. They also suffer from depression, very poor health, and are unemployed. The father pays their way. They are in their mid-50's.

Before my wife left on this trip a new cell phone arrived, unannounced. She said her father got it for her since her old phone was not working well. It is an old iPhone. However, this seemed weird to me, since we have our phones together under one family plan. I asked her to work with me to replace her current phone and also find a better plan. That did not happen, and she briefly stated that she had another idea / solution.

I also noticed, that just before she left she was not wearing her wedding ring! This was a first. I frequently do not wear mine since I do water sports, or if I am doing construction work I take it off. I have been doing both of those the past month, and not wearing my ring. So, ..., on the one hand who am I to complain..?

She has also started working out a lot more, and using dental whitening strips, and just got a haircut right before leaving.

I am suspicious. I hate doing this (again), however I checked her (old) phone records and sure enough she was calling her old boyfriends again. One of them for multiple hour long calls. I am pretty sure she took the new cell phone with her. If she setup a new account, not with my name on it with her, I cannot see who she is calling.

Our marriage has been very stagnant lately. I would not be surprised if she left the marriage already. I have thought about it too. However, I would want to work on things a bit more, and surely have a discussion about it. I think she has been wanting to leave for a long time (years) and finally decided to do it. If so, that is probably best for her. Although we really did not discuss issues or try...

I feel like I should take some deep breaths, hope for the best, and see how this trip unfolds. She is supposed to be back in 10 days. I did notice she was also packing up some photos of our pets, and asked me for a print of our three dogs (we just lost one of them and it was sad -- we do not have kids).

Should I ask her now, while she is out there, if there anything I should know about, since I notice she left her wedding ring and the new phone is gone and we never switched it out with her existing one??

I know these are tell-tale signs of an affair (or problem), new hidden phone (I discovered it), and wedding ring removed.

Should I find out more before speaking up? I realize there are all kinds of ways to "spy", and I can do that, although deep inside of me I just feel like asking her now -- and yet realize she is already being dishonest, so what should I expect from a direct question to her?
 
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#74 ·
I actually do expect the OP to come back because we have given him good advice based on our collective experience and he has acknowledged this (by his "likes" of our input).

He must be really bogged down with this issue at home and has not had a chance to surface for air. Either that or something really bad happened and he is dealing with that.

My advice to him is to come back here for some support - it will help him to cope and heal.
 
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#75 ·
As predicted, I am back here...

Things were pretty mellow w.r.t. my wife and any contact that I knew about with her ex-boyfriend(s) in California. Until about two weeks ago.

Noticed card with long letter in our mailbox from the ex-BF ( I did not open it or read it)

Then noticed package from ex-BF which my wife quickly hid from me when I was looking at new mail on counter.

Checked phone calls to ex-BF and notice there have been 3 in the past 2 months, after a long period of none. The calls were long (1.5 hours).

Now today she is telling me she is suddenly thinking about going to a memorial service back in California of a girlfriend that passed away in December 2017. That is true, there is a memorial service this weekend. Strange though how she suddenly wants to go to it. I will be out of town this weekend, so the desire to go and deal with pet-sitter etc is concerning.

Checked phone calls tonight after being told about the memorial service in California. Three calls to the ex-BF !

Ok, so the writing is on the wall IMHO. If it was just the memorial service I would not be concerned, but the card, present, and phone calls...

Do I confront her now before the trip?

Do I let her go and deal with things when she gets back?

Seems like the only reason to confront her now is to stop action before things get any worse, however it seems like the ship has already sailed and time to divorce...

Feel a bit awkward accusing her now though, especially with the memorial service (verified).
 
#76 ·
did you ever install the VARs that were suggested. It would be good to have heard one of those `1.5 hour long calls....to see what was discussed. that would at least tell you if she already cheated, or is just being played and is vulverable from this past BF.

As far as her going to CA...tell her you want to come along to to the memorial service....see the reaction to that.
 
#114 ·
did you ever install the VARs that were suggested. It would be good to have heard one of those `1.5 hour long calls....to see what was discussed. that would at least tell you if she already cheated, or is just being played and is vulverable from this past BF.



As far as her going to CA...tell her you want to come along to to the memorial service....see the reaction to that.


What’s VAR?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#78 ·
I did install VARs, however that was 2 years ago and did not find anything of interest.

I believe the situation now is different. She is running away, back to the ex BF.

In the past I do not think she was committed to running off like she is now.

I could try to confront her now, and just say "Look, I realize you and the exBF are back in contact, and I want you to be careful about your decisions and actions..." -- in other words try to get her to rethink... or not....
 
#81 ·
i think she ought to know now from your lips that you shoudl tell her that she can go that will give you time to file for divorce on the ground of adultery and look her straight in the eyes when you say those words...and watch the body language...enough is enough and you have had it...and if she tells you that your crazy ask her for all the letters and package and show all the call logs and tell her to pack her crap and don't come back.
 
#83 ·
I’d plant a VAR (dust it off and make sure it’s working first) somewhere in the house tomorrow night (wherever you think she’s likely to call ex-BF), confront, let things get heated (maybe demand to see the card/package as well), and then leave “to go for a walk.” Or a drive, whichever. Don’t mention the call logs, BTW.

I’d plant one in the car as well. Say something in the morning to get her good and pissed off and see what you have waiting for you (on the car VAR) in the afternoon.
 
#87 ·
Make sure you have a VAR running in the house (again, wherever you think she’s most likely to call the ex-BF) whole you’re away. Hide it well and use lithium batteries for a longer run time.
 
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#89 ·
VAR's are placed in 3 places... very last minute rush to do so since I leave in the morning, however I checked the settings and followed the "Standard Evidence" guidance.

Question: Should I leave her a letter in the morning that lets her know that I am aware of her ex-BF contact? Why do this, I ask myself, why not get more evidence and not drive her to more secrecy??
 
#91 ·
I don't know why all the *****-footing around.

If my wife gets a letter and a gift from an ex-boyfriend, I expect her to tell me about it. If not, I ask about it. And demand to see it. If she refuses to share it with me, then our marriage, as we know it, comes to a screeching halt.

For one, I have no desire - none, nada, zero desire - to stay with my if she wants to keep secrets between her and her ex-boyfriend. I love my wife, we have kids, a long marriage - but what would even be the point of fighting it? If she wants him, theng she should go be with him. But for me to sit and do nothing and play private detective? No way. I couldn't look myself in the eye in the mirror being so darn pathetic that I have to argue with my wife that she shouldn't keep secrets with another man over me.

She is keeping secrets with another man, right? And you act like nothing's going on? What are you afraid of? It just seems kind of obvious to me. The almost-definite cheating is almost beside the point. Secrets with another man is already completely unacceptable. Can't continue acting as husband and wife with secrets like that.

"I saw a letter and a gift from your ex-boyfriend. Why didn't you tell me about it? What was in the letter? What was the gift? Can I see it?"

If there is any denial or refusal, "I have no intention of staying in a marriage where you have secrets with an ex-boyfriend." Period. No ultimatums. No deadlines. You do what you want to do, what you need to do, on your own timeline. But the marriage as you knew it, she ended that, not you. The minute she decided to keep secrets and deny you the truth, she changed the marriage. Your decision is, do you stay in a marriage that she altered to leave you as dupe?
 
#93 ·
Exactly.

Why all this passive baloney afraid to confront when you have the truth.

Confront WW with the broken NC.

That you know her intentions to go hook up.
If she goes tell her to stay there because you will be filing.

Demand the WW to produce the gift if she wants to stay as your wife.
Then destroy the gift so she can't save it from the garbage.

She balks just once then you file.
 
#92 ·
"Where there's smoke, there's fire!"

Having said that, plant a well-concealed VAR underneath her car seat! What you'll learn will likely nauseate you!

And while you can't use those results in a court setting, it will let you know if her heart, or her vagina, is in the right place!
 
#94 ·
Confronting her about anything is pointless... Confronting her that you "feel" she is cheating isnt going to get you very far.. she is just going to dig deeper or lie.

Confront her when you have evidence and/or divorce papers.

What do you want in life? If she said "yes, your right.. im coming back to you" - do you want her back?
 
#99 ·
Agreed, let her know that you know she is having an affair. Do not tell her how you know. Wait for the reaction. Tell her that you are divorcing her, and that she should enjoy California, as that is likely where she will be living on an go forward basis.
 
#100 ·
I have read some things from weak men before, but my friend you may be the weakest of them all.

I am going to just ignore the past affairs she was having in CA that you were worrying about but never did the work to find out about. Yeah, yeah, you did not find TOTAL UNDENIABLE EVIDENCE THAT SHE WAS CHEATING.

I am just going to start with the letter. Married women, do not get letters from boyfriends that the husband does not get to read. Nor does anyone except a complete puss allow her to "hide" the package from him and not let you see it.

How is there anyway to justify your weakness? How does that work? Do you have some cuckold fetish that you have not told us about?

Allow me to explain what is going and has been going on in CA. They are going to have wild monkey sex every spare moment that they can get. If you have been getting any sex at all from your wife, doubtful, I assure you that BF is going to get sex from her that you cannot even imagine. She is going to be doing things that you don't even know that people do.

And while all of this is going on, you will still be in denial and wondering if she is having an affair.

Let me help you out... YOUR WIFE IS AND HAS BEEN HAVING AND AFFAIR FOR GODS KNOWS HOW LONG AND YOUR WEAKNESS HAS ALLOWED YOU TO BE IN DENIAL ABOUT IT!!!!

You get that...

So to answer your question: No you do not ask her is she is having an affair. You call your lawyer today and tell him to start divorce proceedings today and file ASAP.

With any luck, you can have your wife served when she gets home from her monkey sex tour of OM's bed room.

Good grief...
 
#101 ·
sfViz:

1. Go ahead with your PI. You seem to NEED evidence before you act.

2. Have papers drawn up and have them placed on the table in your home for her to find when she returns. Leave your wedding ring on top for a nice touch.

3. Have a place to stay for a while before responding to anything she says.

4. Have VAR placed where she would be calling from.

5. Remove anything from the home that you will need.

6. Get your financial ducks in a row. Separate credit cards, bank accounts, etc.

7. You have allowed this to get to where it is by inaction. Be strong, Be courageous, Be decisive.
 
#102 ·
Wouldn’t the simple way be to place VARs then tell her that you have a surprise and will be going with her. Even if you are already on the trip tell her you are cutting it short. The VARs will then have the proof.

Your goal now is getting out of infidelity and passively encouraging it serves no purpose. If you are divorcing then it does not matter if she goes or not.
 
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