Brief history: My wife of 16 years frequently goes out to California to visit her sisters and help with her aging father. At least that is what I am told, and I believe it 99% of the time. There are some possible signals though that the she is either having a fling / affair with old boyfriends out there, or is planning on leaving. I realize that going out for a week or two at a time is no big deal and frankly I like it that she does this. She does suffer from depression though and refuses to take medication. We have been to couples counseling over the years, but no action or work is actually ever done.
In the past I have noticed long phone calls with her ex-boyfriends. I asked her about it and she said they were just talking. Nothing else. Fine, I thought. TO BE CLEAR she has had two 50 minute calls to one ex in the past year, and two 2 minute calls to the other ex in a period of a year. The pattern is that she calls one, and then the other. For all I know she is probably calling them to ask them if she thinks I am having an affair or to get the POV on something. I am still suspicious. When I called her out on this same behavior a few years ago, in a couples counseling session, she did stop doing it for ~10 months. If it was more frequent then I would be more concerned. My earlier statement that I think it is "fine" is not correct, if I take the low frequency and her telling me that they stay in contact as old friends, and that both are married, then I did not get too worked up about it.
She just left to go to California to talk to her father about moving into assisted living. She has two sisters that live out there. They also suffer from depression, very poor health, and are unemployed. The father pays their way. They are in their mid-50's.
Before my wife left on this trip a new cell phone arrived, unannounced. She said her father got it for her since her old phone was not working well. It is an old iPhone. However, this seemed weird to me, since we have our phones together under one family plan. I asked her to work with me to replace her current phone and also find a better plan. That did not happen, and she briefly stated that she had another idea / solution.
I also noticed, that just before she left she was not wearing her wedding ring! This was a first. I frequently do not wear mine since I do water sports, or if I am doing construction work I take it off. I have been doing both of those the past month, and not wearing my ring. So, ..., on the one hand who am I to complain..?
She has also started working out a lot more, and using dental whitening strips, and just got a haircut right before leaving.
I am suspicious. I hate doing this (again), however I checked her (old) phone records and sure enough she was calling her old boyfriends again. One of them for multiple hour long calls. I am pretty sure she took the new cell phone with her. If she setup a new account, not with my name on it with her, I cannot see who she is calling.
Our marriage has been very stagnant lately. I would not be surprised if she left the marriage already. I have thought about it too. However, I would want to work on things a bit more, and surely have a discussion about it. I think she has been wanting to leave for a long time (years) and finally decided to do it. If so, that is probably best for her. Although we really did not discuss issues or try...
I feel like I should take some deep breaths, hope for the best, and see how this trip unfolds. She is supposed to be back in 10 days. I did notice she was also packing up some photos of our pets, and asked me for a print of our three dogs (we just lost one of them and it was sad -- we do not have kids).
Should I ask her now, while she is out there, if there anything I should know about, since I notice she left her wedding ring and the new phone is gone and we never switched it out with her existing one??
I know these are tell-tale signs of an affair (or problem), new hidden phone (I discovered it), and wedding ring removed.
Should I find out more before speaking up? I realize there are all kinds of ways to "spy", and I can do that, although deep inside of me I just feel like asking her now -- and yet realize she is already being dishonest, so what should I expect from a direct question to her?
In the past I have noticed long phone calls with her ex-boyfriends. I asked her about it and she said they were just talking. Nothing else. Fine, I thought. TO BE CLEAR she has had two 50 minute calls to one ex in the past year, and two 2 minute calls to the other ex in a period of a year. The pattern is that she calls one, and then the other. For all I know she is probably calling them to ask them if she thinks I am having an affair or to get the POV on something. I am still suspicious. When I called her out on this same behavior a few years ago, in a couples counseling session, she did stop doing it for ~10 months. If it was more frequent then I would be more concerned. My earlier statement that I think it is "fine" is not correct, if I take the low frequency and her telling me that they stay in contact as old friends, and that both are married, then I did not get too worked up about it.
She just left to go to California to talk to her father about moving into assisted living. She has two sisters that live out there. They also suffer from depression, very poor health, and are unemployed. The father pays their way. They are in their mid-50's.
Before my wife left on this trip a new cell phone arrived, unannounced. She said her father got it for her since her old phone was not working well. It is an old iPhone. However, this seemed weird to me, since we have our phones together under one family plan. I asked her to work with me to replace her current phone and also find a better plan. That did not happen, and she briefly stated that she had another idea / solution.
I also noticed, that just before she left she was not wearing her wedding ring! This was a first. I frequently do not wear mine since I do water sports, or if I am doing construction work I take it off. I have been doing both of those the past month, and not wearing my ring. So, ..., on the one hand who am I to complain..?
She has also started working out a lot more, and using dental whitening strips, and just got a haircut right before leaving.
I am suspicious. I hate doing this (again), however I checked her (old) phone records and sure enough she was calling her old boyfriends again. One of them for multiple hour long calls. I am pretty sure she took the new cell phone with her. If she setup a new account, not with my name on it with her, I cannot see who she is calling.
Our marriage has been very stagnant lately. I would not be surprised if she left the marriage already. I have thought about it too. However, I would want to work on things a bit more, and surely have a discussion about it. I think she has been wanting to leave for a long time (years) and finally decided to do it. If so, that is probably best for her. Although we really did not discuss issues or try...
I feel like I should take some deep breaths, hope for the best, and see how this trip unfolds. She is supposed to be back in 10 days. I did notice she was also packing up some photos of our pets, and asked me for a print of our three dogs (we just lost one of them and it was sad -- we do not have kids).
Should I ask her now, while she is out there, if there anything I should know about, since I notice she left her wedding ring and the new phone is gone and we never switched it out with her existing one??
I know these are tell-tale signs of an affair (or problem), new hidden phone (I discovered it), and wedding ring removed.
Should I find out more before speaking up? I realize there are all kinds of ways to "spy", and I can do that, although deep inside of me I just feel like asking her now -- and yet realize she is already being dishonest, so what should I expect from a direct question to her?