Re: Never let your wife work at a BAR! Help me fix my life
Seangar - put a priority on getting his W contacted. The NC rule of an affair requires no contact with your W and her affair person. This really should require her to leave her job and find one in a less toxic environment.
You have said several times that you trust her. This is surprising. She has gone outside the marriage with another man, didn't let you know this was happening - may even not have told you the whole truth - and you still believe her.
10 min conv with the OM - totally inexcusable - but I can guarandamntee that it will continue as long as she works there and doesn't send a NC letter (one you have reviewed and approved) to this person - in addition to you contacting his wife.
my W didn't trust me a lot of years because of my porn use (and lying to her about it). your W gets all but banged (and we'll bet you don't know the half of the story yet) and does the same to him and you TRUST HER?
Come on. Get real. How has this been working for you? Your W needs to know that trust has to be re-earned in this marriage and it will take a while. She needs to undertake the heavy lifting required to earn your trust back.
Part of this is taking herself out of the toxic environment, going NC and providing FULL transparency, including the FULL TRUTH. Lie detector tests have been mentioned as one method of getting this.
Re: Never let your wife work at a BAR! Help me fix my life
Please know and understand that we are being hard on you because we want you and your marriage to succeed. As plants need proper amounts of water, food, and sunlight, so do marriages need the proper amount of transparency, honesty, and fidelity.
Best case scenario - You and your W reconcile to the best marriage possible
Worst case scenario - You and your W divorce, yet you are able to move on to healthy relationships with other women down the road and not carry the baggage from this marriage.
Re: Never let your wife work at a BAR! Help me fix my life
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dadof3
Please know and understand that we are being hard on you because we want you and your marriage to succeed. As plants need proper amounts of water, food, and sunlight, so do marriages need the proper amount of transparency, honesty, and fidelity.
Best case scenario - You and your W reconcile to the best marriage possible
Worst case scenario - You and your W divorce, yet you are able to move on to healthy relationships with other women down the road and not carry the baggage from this marriage.
What do you (and your W) really want?
We are here for you.
Thank you, I appreciate everyone's comments...regardless of how harsh they may seem.
I would like to work on our marriage, I still love her and I'm not ready to give up on my family...although I am unsure if I will be able to fully forgive her betrayal.
She is more torn. She loves me, but realizes something is wrong with her and can't explain why her feelings for me have changed. A lot of it has to do with built up resentment and carrying the majority of the burden in our family. She has basically given up on the idea of our marriage, she wants to see what its like to be on her own. She wants to be happy and doesn't believe she can be in our marriage (She expressed this to me before her affair). But she's fine living together the next few months and seeing what happens. She says she doesn't want to be involved with a married man or any other man while we are still technically married and she realizes what she did was deeply wrong to both his wife and myself. I honestly think she's confused about a lot of things right now...we def need to see a marriage counselor.
I agree, she needs to quit her bar job...and she has even agreed too. She'd like to work there through the holidays for the money, then quit (the bars in a mall).
My trust in her is broken, but when she's been brutally honest to me about every little detail I've asked...I guess that just makes me think she's done lying and holding back. Concerning her having sex with him, I drilled her over and over asking her...she has looked me in the eyes and promised on our kids lives she did not. Obviously, she eventually would have had I not discovered the affair after only a week and a half.
Re: Never let your wife work at a BAR! Help me fix my life
How many times have we read that the WS looks the BS straight in the eye and swears on their parents lives, their childrens lives, the bible, etc, etc, etc.
I know I got looked straight in the eye and mine swore on the bible, "God Is My Witness!".
Seangar, we read this over and over and over again. Waywards lie. You know how you can tell? Her mouth is moving. And now you say she's non comittal? Well then, sounds like more is going on and she's in the fog. Hopefully you can shake off the denial. Click on the links in my signature.
HurtinginTN also said his WW would win an award. He went through several False Rs, which looks like you're headed toward if you cant shake off the denial.
But hey, if you don't listen to the advice of others who've gone before you, its your choice. Like they say, You can lead a horse to water......
Re: Never let your wife work at a BAR! Help me fix my life
I know you love her. That much is clear. But you have already stated that it is over, and then you defend your wife. You are a good husband.
I would like to reason with you on a couple of fronts. First, to begin healing (you are so fresh into this) you need complete disclosure (you have only begun this process have you had the mind pictures yet?).
If she cares about you (I am sure she does) she will not want to hurt you more than necessary. She knows what she has done is wrong, but as a woman I can tell you that any woman who considers herself decent we are caregivers by nature, purposefully hurting someone who you still care about is rarely natural in us.
If she can feed you the jist without the whole truth, she will. She will not want to expose you to that kind of pain.
So
There is a high likelyhood, that you do not know the entire truth. To heal from what has happened, she needs to be entirely truthful. You need full disclosure no matter how painful.
Without it, you will carry a level of doubt for the rest of your relationship that will eat away any foundation that can be built from.
As to tell the OW. This type of behavior is NOT adapted to by anyone with the first discovery. Meaning, he likely has done this before with other women. His wife deserves to know, and he likely won't tell her. CAKE AND EAT IT TOO.........
It will stop his contact with your wife, even if she does not contact him, he may try to contact her, and provide his life with a distraction that helps keep it that way.
His wife needs to know so that IF your wife breaks NC, or visa versa, you have another set of eyes and ears helping you to be the first to know.
I urge you to give yourself time to stop the reeling from what you are going through. Come back to this thread and read it as often as you need to. Spend sometime reading other peoples stories. It helps to anticipate the truth about what you will experience next.
Re: Never let your wife work at a BAR! Help me fix my life
I think you are correct that the problem started with your wife in this bar. Bars aren't great atmospheres for married women without their husbands. Bars are fantasy grounds for people seeking casual sex.
Once your wife started working there, several men each night would probably start flirting with her in order to get casual sex. And your wife was frustrated by her real life and marriage with you, so these men seemed much more sexy and appealing than you did. You come with baggage. You come with bills to pay and little income to pay them. These men don't come with bills. They come with motorcycles or sports cars.
The way you turn her attention back to you is not to be more domesticated. She wants to be single. That doesn't mean she wants more picnics in the park with the kids. It means she wants to get drunk and have sex in a parking lot. If you want her attention, then you need to be willing to be the guy to do her in the parking lot.
Yes, you should have a job to help pay bills. And you should also help out around the house and with the kids. But when your wife tells you she's hungry for a steak, don't take her to a salad bar and then act confused when she goes for steak with someone else.
Re: Never let your wife work at a BAR! Help me fix my life
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seangar
Thank you, I appreciate everyone's comments...regardless of how harsh they may seem.
I would like to work on our marriage, I still love her and I'm not ready to give up on my family...although I am unsure if I will be able to fully forgive her betrayal.
She is more torn. She loves me, but realizes something is wrong with her and can't explain why her feelings for me have changed. A lot of it has to do with built up resentment and carrying the majority of the burden in our family. She has basically given up on the idea of our marriage, she wants to see what its like to be on her own. She wants to be happy and doesn't believe she can be in our marriage (She expressed this to me before her affair). But she's fine living together the next few months and seeing what happens. She says she doesn't want to be involved with a married man or any other man while we are still technically married and she realizes what she did was deeply wrong to both his wife and myself. I honestly think she's confused about a lot of things right now...we def need to see a marriage counselor.
I agree, she needs to quit her bar job...and she has even agreed too. She'd like to work there through the holidays for the money, then quit (the bars in a mall).
My trust in her is broken, but when she's been brutally honest to me about every little detail I've asked...I guess that just makes me think she's done lying and holding back. Concerning her having sex with him, I drilled her over and over asking her...she has looked me in the eyes and promised on our kids lives she did not. Obviously, she eventually would have had I not discovered the affair after only a week and a half.
Quote #1: Is this what you signed up for when you married? Living together with this concept is NOT marriage. There is a reason why she says this (read some of the posts Lord Mayhem suggested). Clearly she has betrayed you, yet wants the benefits of being married while being able to doubt her marriage.
Quote #2: Really? If she is serious and sorry about the affair and its damage to you - she quits NOW! some things are more important than money. i think its more to do with OM (and her addiction to the rush she gets when he's around).
Quote #3: It might be intuitive to you, but how do you really know? See again Lord Mayhems (and others) comments about waywards and their lies. There is a small chance she has told you the complete truth. There's a 99% chance she hasn't told you everything. If she ever did, how could you ever verify? And she wants to continue working there and living as if married, although extremely unhappy and unsure if she wants to be married.
Read the other stories. Most people come on here thinking their marriage / affair story is unique and the one chance in one hundred that their spouse is extra special and honest and really means sorry.
I think we are still looking for that 1 in one hundredeth affair story. Anyone here seen it yet?
Re: Never let your wife work at a BAR! Help me fix my life
My advice at this time would be to go ahead and file. You can stop that process at any time but may send her a very clear message that she needs to wake up.
I really think she it doing trickle truth and that you don't know how far she has gone. Since you are young and have no children, now is the time to file. DO NOT LET HER GET PREGNANT!
I know it is hard to face this and even harder without you being employed but there is never a good time to go through this. Best to just get it done and over with. As I said, you can stop the process any time but if she wont change for the better it will be even harder later on.
Lastly, there is one thing said on these boards over and over, every time a wayward's lips move, they are lying. As you continue to dig, expect to find what you don't wish to find.
Re: Never let your wife work at a BAR! Help me fix my life 
