I noticed that I didn't explicitly state my suggestion. It is that you find out what makes him feel loved. Then do that thing. And if he can do something for you too, that will help you put your heart in it and make him feel good too. Posted via Mobile Device
Not to justify your husband's ONS so correct me if I'm wrong, didn't you also say they happened before the two of you were engaged to be married?
Yes, they happened before we were married, we were exclusively dating for a couple of years at the time. I understood why he did it, I thought we dealt with it, and we never talked about it again until my affair, he actually brought it up.
Yes, they happened before we were married, we were exclusively dating for a couple of years at the time. I understood why he did it, I thought we dealt with it, and we never talked about it again until my affair, he actually brought it up.
There are several inconsistencies in this story. The initial post where mutual infidelity was denied has aklready been mentioned, as has the discrepancy in the OM's wife knowing vs suspecting.
Now, there seeems to be another. i thought you mentioned having checked out of th marriage in response to his cheating. Yet, the cheating ocured pre-marriage.
These little discrepancies are beginning to add up. This is how it works when cross examinig someone. Little by little, things change or are inconsistent.
There are several inconsistencies in this story. The initial post where mutual infidelity was denied has aklready been mentioned, as has the discrepancy in the OM's wife knowing vs suspecting.
Now, there seeems to be another. i thought you mentioned having checked out of th marriage in response to his cheating. Yet, the cheating ocured pre-marriage.
These little discrepancies are beginning to add up. This is how it works when cross examinig someone. Little by little, things change or are inconsistent.
I feel like I'm on the stand here.....
I said that when my husband had his two ONS's that later on I may have slowly checked out of my relationship/marriage, as an after effect.
Read my other responses in terms of the reason I hadn't mentioned my husband's infidelity.
I was sure his wife knew that he was cheating, for crying out loud she posted on her FB, but he gas lighted her and I guess she believed him. Yes, she was suspicious. She refused to let him come to work half of the time.....apparently.
An element that I think is lost here is the fact that not only did you cheat on your husband, but you cheated on your entire family- your kids included. You mentioned that your son's GF cheated on him two years prior to your own affair, and saw the immense pain he was feeling; yet, you dove into this affair willingly(seems pretty damn cold to me). How do you feel about that? I'm sure your pretty much against telling your children, especially your son, the truth behind the current problems within your marriage. Your son deserves as much of an apology as your husband... he's an adult now, and is part of the bigger picture.
Also... I don't want to sound insensitve, but given the line of work you're in, I'm sure you've seen the destructive nature of an unstable home environment. How were you able to function during your affair having this knowledge? I mean... to go about your job- helping these people- totally detached from what was going on in your personal life sounds very cold and calculating. My mind is just spinning right now trying to wrap my head around it. To think that you yourself were putting your own children directly in the firing line for them to become just another statistic(children from a broken home) in your line of work just boggles the mind.
An element that I think is lost here is the fact that not only did you cheat on your husband, but you cheated on your entire family- your kids included. You mentioned that your son's GF cheated on him two years prior to your own affair, and saw the immense pain he was feeling; yet, you dove into this affair willingly(seems pretty damn cold to me). How do you feel about that? I'm sure your pretty much against telling your children, especially your son, the truth behind the current problems within your marriage. Your son deserves as much of an apology as your husband... he's an adult now, and is part of the bigger picture.
You make some good points, and I live with this every day. I betrayed my whole family, kids included, and yes, they're recovering as well, it hasn't been easy for them. They still after 9 months don't feel it's a stable home. My oldest son knows of the affair, his dad told him, and he heard our conversations. I lost a lot of respect, I have to earn that back.
You're right I was cold, and yes, my oldest son needs an apology for all the bull**** that's come of this. I've tried to make it up to all my kids, but not enough, it's been tough.
An element that I think is lost here is the fact that not only did you cheat on your husband, but you cheated on your entire family- your kids included. You mentioned that your son's GF cheated on him two years prior to your own affair, and saw the immense pain he was feeling; yet, you dove into this affair willingly(seems pretty damn cold to me). How do you feel about that? I'm sure your pretty much against telling your children, especially your son, the truth behind the current problems within your marriage. Your son deserves as much of an apology as your husband... he's an adult now, and is part of the bigger picture.
Also... I don't want to sound insensitve, but given the line of work you're in, I'm sure you've seen the destructive nature of an unstable home environment. How were you able to function during your affair having this knowledge? I mean... to go about your job- helping these people- totally detached from what was going on in your personal life sounds very cold and calculating. My mind is just spinning right now trying to wrap my head around it. To think that you yourself were putting your own children directly in the firing line for them to become just another statistic(children from a broken home) in your line of work just boggles the mind.
I have always been the type of person that has put 100 per cent into my career, and yes, I was at a job where I was dealing with women in crisis, and the effects on their children. Was I giving 100 percent during the affair? no, I was struggling with guilt, and hence left the job until I could better offer my services, I was quite aware that I was not going to be very helpful etc.
Well... for what its worth, I hope it does work out for you... really I do. I also respect the fact that you've answered many of the posters questions without being too defensive about it.
You have a really good guy in that husband of yours. Be extremely grateful that at least he's giving you another shot. Not very many men would do that- myself included.
Well... for what its worth, I hope it does work out for you... really I do. I also respect the fact that you've answered many of the posters questions without being too defensive about it.
You have a really good guy in that husband of yours. Be extremely grateful that at least he's giving you another shot. Not very many men would do that- myself included.
I appreciate the feedback from everyone on here, and really I'm not in any position to be defensive, although I have to admit some of the comments hit hard, but I needed the harsh reality.
Working, My comments may seem harsh, but I am looking at your situation, from the perspective of the BH. My wife is so remorseful and afraid, that it has landed her in a mental institution, but even so, I will not reconcile, because I will not endure the dishonesty, disrespect and deceit of a cheating spouse. And this is with the qualification that she didn't do it in front of me or my family. That's why I feel that your infidelity is so much worse. You basically cuckolded your husband. About The only thing you didn't do is eff him (OM) in front of your husband. I cannot understand your husband's lack of pride, at all. I , too, wish you well, but , for the life of me, can't see how you could possibly get over this, long term.
This is the main reason I would like him to come here and read this thread and interact with the posters. I am amazed that you are still together, and am very curious about your husband's opinion and mindset.
Why are you amazed they are still together? Lots of couples do stay together after an infidelity. Not all, but it's not something from another world either.
Can you explain how/why you thought it a decent idea to ask your h to get out of the house while you were messing with this other guy?
As other's have pointed out, frankly, that seems sadistic.
Re: What Else Can I do? 
