You are going to have a long, and it may be life-long battle with his sub-conscious
No matter what you think/want to think----when he is alone---driving, at work, in the wee small hours of the morning, the A., is their with him, and it may diminish, but it won't go away
When you 2 are in the bed-room---I can promise you, your lover is there---your H., wondering, comparing----You thinking how wonderful the scum was, and how it awakened you----well that awakening, killed your H.---but you already know that---but that is what each of you faces in the bedroom
This takes 2 to 5 years, to come back to a decent relationship, at best------
You say you are remorseful, you are transparent----you check in, that's all part of what you have done to yourself------
But in all your statements, all I hear about is what you have done----you, you, you---for YOU---what are you doing FOR YOUR H.
Do you hold him when the pain comes, do you help him thru his triggers, do you help him to avoid triggers---YOU HAVE TO BE SELFLESS---You still come off as selfish, in many of your thought processes.
Have you tried to WOO your H., as each of you did when you were younger, and dating, and starry-eyed, and there was no one else
Take your H., out on dates---YOU plan them, send your H. flowers---when you do go out---do the things he likes to do!!
You will never know the hurt you have caused him, you may think you do---but you are not even close in your estimate of how badly he is F'd up----he may never get over what you have done---and that is the big elephant in the house with you--- it just won't go away----
Just hope you can still be together/make it----to your golden years---cuz, to be out on your own/left alone during that period of your life---Is extremely hard, and many do not make it, on their own-----You screwed around knowing the consequences, didn't care---so now just suck it up, and do/try the best you can to make a new/better life
Hopefully you will communicate---you don't need counselors to talk to each other---you just have to sit down, and discuss things, and make sure you do it each and everytime you have a problem---DO NOT hide/hold anything back!!!!!!!
For even tho you have not told us the reason for you to stray---I am sure lack of communication, must have played some part, in all of it.---I hope you just didn't take a lover, cuz you wanted a sexual awakening, and you were excited by the dangerous, sneaky game you were playing at your H./families expense.
A lot of the comments have really been enlightening, and eye opening....great feedback, even if it's a bit hard to hear sometimes.
As for the sex in our relationship, it hasn't been negative, and hubby has never mentioned that he feels as though OM was the "elephant" cloud in our bedroom. He's enjoying the new me, so to speak, and I'll leave it at that.
I believe I have been selfish, yes, "me, me, me", I agree with that totally, and I haven't really looked at what I need to do for him so that he will feel secure and loved in our relationship. I've been wanting to move forward from the affair at lightening speed, and I really need to slow down and deal with the issues that arise, as well as the triggers that pop up occasionally. I miss the old him, I want to see him smile and laugh, and be at ease with being a great dad, and not so afraid that if he doesn't spend all his time with me, I'll feel as though my needs won't be met. Make sense?
Communication was never a problem within our marriage, except for the 8 months prior to my affair. Unfortunately, we're both social workers and we used to really talk about what we needed from each other, so what happened? Well, obviously it was my issues, a mid life crisis, I was unhappy with my job, I wanted more for my self and my family. I had two young children later in life, and felt overwhelmed with what it entailed sometimes. Something I'm currently working on, although I should go back to IC. Just seems every time I go to counseling, the same issues keep coming up about my parents, in terms of my mother's handicap (physcial) and the fact that I was parentified etc. Then there's issues around my father divorcing my mom while she was pregnant with my sister....lots of stuff. But, I really feel I've dealt with those issues, and the real issue as to what led to my affair was within myself, and lack of self-fullfillment, but who knows.
Sorry for rambling on...on a good note, hubby and I have a date tonight, something we used to do a lot of when we were dating, having a couple of drinks and playing a few games of pool....lets hope I beat his ass tonight....we are pretty competitive.
W_T, even happily married people can have affairs. I recommend that you and your husband obtain and read a copy of Dr Shirley Glass' book titled 'Not Just Friends'. Let's face it, you did not wake up one morning and said to yourself "I'm going to cheat on my husband with OM". No, your affair was a process of you crossing marital boundaries which eventually made you betray your husband. Sure those events that you stated (mid life crisis, unhappiness with your job, etc) did leave you in a vulnerable state but many men and women also experience the same things and yet they never betray their spouse, why is that? They - consciously or unconsciously - did not cross marital boundaries. So again, get the book and with your husband at your side, read the book so that both of you can better process the ordeal of your affair.
Thanks for the idea of the book, I'll check it out at the book store next time.
No doubt there are other issues that led to the affair. There was the aspect of someone else desiring me and giving me the compliments I so needed at that time. I didn't want to hear them only from my husband, it wasn't enough.
Thanks for the idea of the book, I'll check it out at the book store next time.
No doubt there are other issues that led to the affair. There was the aspect of someone else desiring me and giving me the compliments I so needed at that time. I didn't want to hear them only from my husband, it wasn't enough.
Are you going to IC (individual counseling) at the moment? You should because you need to conquer the desire for outside validation otherwise you may find yourself once again overwhelmed by it and not care about whether or not you cross marital boundaries.
I know what his triggers are because I used to lie so damn much about where I was going etc. So I know I have to work more on reassuring him that I know it bothers him that I'm going to certain places, but he also wants me to go out and have a good time.
MC is something we tried, but he really lashed out at me during the sessions, called me some horrible things etc. Then the therapist felt sorry for me, and took my side, not good I know. (and was a male). The other therapist kept focussing on the fact that my husband may have ADD WTF? so we stopped going. I brought it up in the last few days, that I felt we really needed to talk about our needs, and not focus on the affair as much, which we have talked about to death. He says he doesn't want to go now, kind of like I ****ed things up, I have to fix them.
I know we need to go out together, we never do, we are so wrapped up with two young children, and 1 adult child that we forget about ourselves.
I get that the intimacy in our sexual relationship is forever changed, and the sex we have now is nothing like before, it's no really a loving emotional bonding, it's not bad, but just feels so different for us. I think being in my 40's and experiencing another lover awakened something in me that I'm exploring...but that's a topic for Sex and Marriage I guess.
Most likely the relationship is over. Infidelity leads to the end most of the time. At about 2 years out,most men want to just get out. So, I think you just ride it out until he decides what he wants. 8months is way too soon for him to know.
Perhaps he should get a similar awakening with a new lover, too. seems fair,eh?
I feel I have showed much remorse over what I have done, and have given up all my freedom (passwords etc.) I think I kind of expected that that would be enough for him to move forward and have the trust he once had in me.
If you "kind of expected that that would be enough" after only 8 months then you do not feel "much remorse". You do not get it at all do you? Do you have any idea how much you have hurt him?
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Originally Posted by working_together
I felt we really needed to talk about our needs, and not focus on the affair as much, which we have talked about to death.
You have not talked about it enough. It takes years to recover if they recover at all. It has only been 8 months. He is still deciding if he can forgive you. He may not. Divorce over your affair is still a very real possibility for him, and your current attitude of expecting easy forgiveness only increases the odds. If it were me, your "we have talked about to death" point of view would be enough for me to want to move on.
I think being in my 40's and experiencing another lover awakened something in me that I'm exploring...but that's a topic for Sex and Marriage I guess.
Yeah it awakened you and destroyed your marriage. How enlightened. Now your husband just has to deal with the new you that your exploring. He will trigger for awhile. You see he thought you were someone and you were someone else. So he has to figure out who the new you is. So far she is a lying cheater who has crushed his heart. Great awakening.....not.
Yeah it awakened you and destroyed your marriage. How enlightened. Now your husband just has to deal with the new you that your exploring. He will trigger for awhile. You see he thought you were someone and you were someone else. So he has to figure out who the new you is. So far she is a lying cheater who has crushed his heart. Great awakening.....not.
And he has to ak himself does trust this new person, does he even like this new person, If he makes his decision based on the OPs past actions he will choose to dvorce her and purge her from his life. If he bases it on blind faith and her recent attempts a looking like an ok wife, then he might stay, but he will always remember the wife that stabbed him in the heart and smiled while she turned the knfe. Posted via Mobile Device
I get that the intimacy in our sexual relationship is forever changed, and the sex we have now is nothing like before, it's no really a loving emotional bonding, it's not bad, but just feels so different for us.
Translation: Now that you have cheated on your husband, sex with your husband is "not bad" but it does not do it for you like it did before.
Quote:
Originally Posted by working_together
I think being in my 40's and experiencing another lover awakened something in me that I'm exploring.
Sounds like you think that "experiencing another lover" was a good thing in your life. Does not sound like remorse to me. Without true remorse by you, your husband will never get over it.
If you are saying the the same things to your husband that you are saying in your posts here, he is thinking who is this person? Reading your posts, if your husband does not leave you, I believe that the odds are good that you will explore and cheat on him again. Your husband is probably thinking the same thing too.
Maybe your attitude will change if your husband has sex with another woman behind your back for 8 months and put your health at risk for STD's. Your posts imply that the affair was a good thing because it awakened something in you.
How would you feel if your husband told you that he really enjoyed having intercourse with his female lover for 8 months behind your back and betraying your marriage and relationship because it awakened something in him sexually so it was a good thing?
You do not have a clue the pain you have inflicted on your husband. You have lied and cheated on your husband for 8 months. If you think he will ever trust you again completely and look at you the same way again then you are deluding yourself.
I have to disagree here...My H was unfaithful to me and yes it was hell for the both of us in that first year. Now 16yrs later I no longer remember all the pain I felt because of his unfaithfullness, maybe women take it differently or maybe I just decided I needed to REALLY forgive him and move on and never recount the moment or allow anymore images in my head. You gotta be strong for this, constantly pushing them away (that's forgiveness). Also I've read other posts here of MEN who have forgiven their wifes and moved on...I personally think its a time thing and def forgiveness thing. But if you are too caught up in your ego it will take ages to get over and men are known to have a fragile egos, my H being one of these men. Its not a negative thing just a fact.
But if you are too caught up in your ego it will take ages to get over and men are known to have a fragile egos, my H being one of these men. Its not a negative thing just a fact.
The same can be said about cheating wives. Their egos were so fragile that they needed to have an affair in order to validate their worth as women.
Ok, lot's of responses, and I totally expected some of the backlash, but I have also listened and took to heart some great advice....thanks.
yeah, I know it's going to be a tough and long road a head of us, initially, yes, I just wanted it to go away...rug sweeping. But I now know that I cannot do that, and the real work starts here. The aftermath seems to be much worse that Dday.
I don't completely understand my husbands pain, no, but I see how it's affected him personally, and work wise as well, and sometimes I wish could grab a magic wand make his pain vanish. I want to make a 25 year marriage work, and realize that I have to show him my remorse through actions as said on the board over and over, showing that he can one day trust me, and not feel at times disgusted with my behavior. He once was totally devoted and I have destroyed that. I have to live with that for the rest of my life, for what an ego boost? Obviously not worth it.
I believe that I would never put myself in a situation where I become so vulnerable that I would enter an affair again. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel that I can protect myself and my marriage by seeing the warning signs within myself, and deal with those issues, and share them with my husband.
Re: What Else Can I do? 
