Ok, lot's of responses, and I totally expected some of the backlash, but I have also listened and took to heart some great advice....thanks.
yeah, I know it's going to be a tough and long road a head of us, initially, yes, I just wanted it to go away...rug sweeping. But I now know that I cannot do that, and the real work starts here. The aftermath seems to be much worse that Dday.
I don't completely understand my husbands pain, no, but I see how it's affected him personally, and work wise as well, and sometimes I wish could grab a magic wand make his pain vanish. I want to make a 25 year marriage work, and realize that I have to show him my remorse through actions as said on the board over and over, showing that he can one day trust me, and not feel at times disgusted with my behavior. He once was totally devoted and I have destroyed that. I have to live with that for the rest of my life, for what an ego boost? Obviously not worth it.
I believe that I would never put myself in a situation where I become so vulnerable that I would enter an affair again. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel that I can protect myself and my marriage by seeing the warning signs within myself, and deal with those issues, and share them with my husband.
What do you think?
By your words above you have already started in the right direction. Your consistent actions will over time help heal your marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
Reconciliation is a long and hard road. This is just a beggining. You have to show consistent actions and dedication to help him heal and learn to trust you again, ever so gradually. Baby step at a time. Be patient. You do sound remorseful and committed to do the hard work, but your posts somehow come across as impatient and rushing the whole process.
I am sure there were many root causes that contributed to your cheating, but in every single affair one single characteristic that stands out without exception is the WS's selfishness. Selfishness leads to the sense of entitlement and lack of empathy to BS. You may have ended the affair, but your character flaw must be addressed so that you can show BS that you truly have changed.
Despite what other betrayed spouses have said, I do believe that there are some people who can transcend the ordeal of infidelity and go on to have new marriages.
There is something cold in your posts that show a lack of empathy. You are trying, but you just cannot feel what you do not feel. I think that you are doing your best to understand but think that you need to seek IC to resolve this in yourself. If you see my past post you will see that this is the first time that I have ever recommended IC as I usually do not think that it is the answer.
How did your husband find out about your affair? Who pursued who within your affair? How long was your affair? While in the affair, did you ever thought about leaving your husband for the as OM?
If the roles were reversed how do you think you would be feeling and what would you want your husband to do? How would you be feeling that after 25 years of marriage that your husband was willing to put your health at risk for STD's for 8 months behind your back by taking a lover? Maybe you can gain more empathy by looking at it from this perspective.
What you have done to your husband is to destroy his confidence, self-worth and his manhood. Honestly from reading your posts I don't think you have a clue of what you have really done to him. If for 8 month you could have so easily lied to his face and have sex with your lover and putting your husband at risk for STD; why in the world do you think he would ever trust you again? If the roles were reversed would you?
Despite what other betrayed spouses have said, I do believe that there are some people who can transcend the ordeal of infidelity and go on to have new marriages.
The stats seem to be that about 30% remain married and 70% of thise are unhappy. So, about a 9% chance of a happy marraige.
I'm just curious why you think I'm cold? and yes, I know I need to go back to IC.
I think it is that "sexual awakening " deal, that you seem to take as a positve, despite admiting it keeps you and your H from connecting emotionally. It sounds as if it is a tradeoff that you are pleased with.
Perhaps it is the impatience after only 8 months, as well. It is almst as if you have done no research on recovery time. Lack of research = not caring enough to do anything about it.
If this is your first inquiry into measures to help him heal, in eight months time, that would indicate both a lack of appreciation of the trauma and a lack of motivation. Just my take, but you do come off as rather unfeeling.
The stats seem to be that about 30% remain married and 70% of thise are unhappy. So, about a 9% chance of a happy marraige.
Yes I'm aware of the statistics and I believe that they are accurate. I also believe that the 9% group most likely received both individual and couple's counseling while the unhappy 21% did not.
I think it is that "sexual awakening " deal, that you seem to take as a positve, despite admiting it keeps you and your H from connecting emotionally. It sounds as if it is a tradeoff that you are pleased with.
Perhaps it is the impatience after only 8 months, as well. It is almst as if you have done no research on recovery time. Lack of research = not caring enough to do anything about it.
If this is your first inquiry into measures to help him heal, in eight months time, that would indicate both a lack of appreciation of the trauma and a lack of motivation. Just my take, but you do come off as rather unfeeling.
Fair enough, I see where you're coming from. Maybe I just didn't explain the sexual thing. I guess what I meant was that the sex in our marriage has improved 100 per cent, and in saying that I felt that we had move forward in that area. I guess I thought if the sex was great, then everything else would fall into place....I was wrong. Is it a trade off? I can't look at it that way, that's pretty selfish thinking really.
I think I've done quite a bit of research, I've been lurking here since the beginning, but I didn't feel ready to post, and quite frankly you guys are pretty damn intimidating, which is not a bad thing, it really opened my eyes to the pain on the "other side".
How did your husband find out about your affair? Who pursued who within your affair? How long was your affair? While in the affair, did you ever thought about leaving your husband for the as OM?
My husband found out about the affair through my emails to the OM, he always had access to everything I had. I always left my cell phone around, he had such blind trust in me. If only he had looked at my phone he would have seen it all right in front of him.
The affair was short, three months. It was one of the people we had renovating our home. Although I take complete responsibility in saying yes, he pursued me with all the famous lines, everything I wanted to hear at the time. You see as my husband points out I was and still to a point very naive. It used to drive him crazy how I never saw a bad situation coming, or that people were manupulating me. On the other hand, it's what he loved about me so much.
While in the affair and thick into the "fog" I really thought I was so much happier than I had ever been. I was so blindsided my mixed emotions, and then guilt. I asked him to leave, which he did (he regrets not reading the 180). We did not fight after he left, he had full access to the kids, I did not ask him for a dime, I really thought if I wanted this, then I would do this alone. The Vallentine's day came, and I felt sick to my stomach over the pain I saw in his eyes, we talked and decided to make it work. I ended the affair on that day and never contacted the other person, although OM tried his best to try to manupulate me into continuing to see him "on the side". I gave my husband the address of OM, and he drove his house and sat out front while on the phone with me. I tried calming him down, he was in a rage. He walked up to the house and threw something OM had left at our house while working here. Not a good situation, the guy was so paranoid he wouldn't come out of his house, and cowardly phoned hubby and apologized for the whole thing. Did my husband feel better with the apology? for about 5 min. He had so many plans of how to ruin this guys life, he would come up with ways that would scare the **** out of me. In the end he walked away.
Yes I'm aware of the statistics and I believe that they are accurate. I also believe that the 9% group most likely received both individual and couple's counseling while the unhappy 21% did not.
I don't think you understand my point about putting your husband's health at risk for STD's. I am glad that everything came back fine. The point I have been trying to makeis that instead of using protection, you were willing to have unprotected sex with this OM thereby putting your husband at great risk for STD's. You dodged the bullet but the question remains for your husband why you did not use protection and why were you so willing to chance giving your husband an STD? I would think that your husband would think that you think so little of him and your marriage that you were not even willing to protect yourself and him from these things. I hope you understand my point now.
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