Badblood, keep in mind that she has no emotional investment in us so it is easy for her to make comments in an emotionally detached fashion. We have no idea how she behaved/behaves in front of her husband. Besides what good is the 'on her hands and knees' type of remorse if the cheating wife continues contacting the OM as it was in your case? You more than anyone else know that actions are what really count, nothing else matters.
not only that but she came here asking what to do to help her help her husband- to me, those actions are a true sign of remorse
is she there 100% yet? probably not but she's taking big steps toward great self-improvement and while I have no problem debating particular parts of what she says and trying to teach her, I think her intentions are good and what's needed for her and her husband to heal
Maybe she did stay for the wrong reasons but when you are coming out of an affair you are in a affair fog and your real thinking isn't there yet.......so I say this is a good enough place to start rebuilding and meeting each others needs, the falling in love and being there for the right reasons will come.....
For her when the fog is total gone and she now is thinking more about her husband than herself or the OM, things will get better, but I agree the justifications the rug sweeping and the blame shifting stops and she becomes all about him and his recovery, it is about his recovery not hers.........
She will have to do the heavy lifting for a while if she truly regrets what her actions have caused her husband and marriage.......
It won't work any other way.........
I agree she is asking for help because she doesn't know how to fix what she broke, I agree she seems a little "me" orinatated. But she is trying to fix that logically she understands the situation and the pain she has caused her husband.....and the affair was just a bail on her part. In good times and bad times hasn't come into play for her yet.........
I hope she starts to fill all his emotional needs and just is soft and sweet with him every day, every minute, if she does this he will fall madly in love like he was the day he married her, she will as well and then she will understand just how damaging her thinking was in the marriage........
She has to start somewhere, fake it until you feel it..........
Just do the right things and love will find her and her husband.........
Morituri, I agree that her actions are paramount, but that includes ALL of her actions. The sheer enormity of her disrespect and callousness regarding her husband and family makes her suspect , as to her true motive for R. To cheat, and then kick her husband out of his home, is about the worst thing I've heard of, on TAM. So NOW she is trying to R? I don't see how she can possibly show love and respect and caring for her family, after such horrible disrespect, and selfish behavior. It's not like a light switch, you can't turn it on or off at a whim. I feel that she has serious issues to address BEFORE any attempt at R should be made, and in the interim, her husband and family should have the right to accept or reject her, as THEY choose. Like my own wife, she has forfeited any rights in the marriage, that I or her husband do not choose to give her.
Jessi, hasn't there been enough dishonesty? "Fake it until you feel it", is just another lie. Doesn't her husband and family deserve the truth? This is what I meant about her motives for Reconciliation. She isn't in love with her husband, she desires another man, she wants to explore her newfound sexuality, she cold-bloodedly threw away the love and respect of , not only, her husband , but her children, as well. So NOW she wants to reconcile, not for her kids, or for her husband, but through guilt and for her own selfish Reasons. If I were her husband or kids, I would feel like an afterthought, that I didn't matter.
No doubt about it Badblood that her actions towards her husband while in the affair were appalling, she herself has acknowledged it as she has accepted the truth that she needs to seek individual counseling.
But stop and think about this for a minute. Isn't it better that a cheating wife want to reconcile with her husband not out of fear of losing him but because she truly wants to be with him and to help him heal even if that means the end of her marriage later on?
Besides, her husband has chosen to reconcile with her because he loves her enough to give her a second chance. Something to consider.
As far as we can tell working_together has been open and honest with us and expressed a desire to reconcile her marriage . Advice on what to do to help her reconciliation is being sought. She has chosen to take a route that she knows is difficult to follow and I see no reason why productive advice should not be given to assist in the recovery of her relationship with her husband
Sorry a bit of a thread jack Posted via Mobile Device
To me, Morituri, it is further evidence of duplicity. Does her husband know about her desire for the OM, about the "sexual awakening", about the reasons for her desire for R? If she TRULY is remorseful, then she should invite him to TAM, to read this thread, and listen to other BS's.
To me, Morituri, it is further evidence of duplicity. Does her husband know about her desire for the OM, about the "sexual awakening", about the reasons for her desire for R? If she TRULY is remorseful, then she should invite him to TAM, to read this thread, and listen to other BS's.
That's actually a good point to make, I would hope that she has been completely forthright in her feelings and thoughts, while at the same time not assessing blame on her husband. But that's part of the advice she asking for- what can she do and it's a valid opinion to point out to her
As far as we can tell working_together has been open and honest with us and expressed a desire to reconcile her marriage . Advice on what to do to help her reconciliation is being sought. She has chosen to take a route that she knows is difficult to follow and I see no reason why productive advice should not be given to assist in the recovery of her relationship with her husband
Sorry a bit of a thread jack Posted via Mobile Device
I agree, Eli-Zor, but I feel that it is important, for us to be able to help her, to know what her motives for R are. We cannot give her any advice withou as much knowledge as we can get, and having our questions answered. On my thread, I appreciated ALL posts, whether they agreed with my choices or not. Frankly, I do not believe she is being honest with us. She contradicts herself and blame shifts a lot.
Working, it's one thing to say it, but another to FEEL it. In none of your posts, have I gotten that you are feeling anything like my STBex wife's pain and remorse. She would and has gotten on her knees to BEG forgiveness. You, on the other hand , still seem as prideful and remorseless, as when you had the affair. Your lack of respect for your husband , AS A MAN, comes through in your posts. Either he is a really good man, or a really weak one. The point I am trying to make is that you need to fix you. I cannot see how you can have a good marriage until you really FEEL the heartbreak and pain your husband is feeling. This empathy is crucial to reconciliation, in my opinion.
You have a point in terms of "pride", yes, I do have a lot of pride, it's difficult for me to show my weaknesses, my husband has pointed this out to me. It also comes into play when he wants to see more of my emotional side, when it does come through, he basically melts. He's not a "weak" man, in fact is really a tough guy, in your face sometimes. With me, yes, he's softer, and has let me make mistakes and forgiven me unconditionally.
Does this mean I should get down on my knees and beg his forgiveness, it's not who I am, I'm not trying to sound cold, but I would prefer that he see the genuine me the way I am most comfortable.
Getting down on your knees and begging forgiveness is something you must do. Whether it is the genuine you or not. It will mean even more to him if you can feel this kind of remorse and show him it, because he knows how difficult it would be for you.
You need to express your remorse for hurting him and also your love for him. Don't expect him to just know. You need to show through your actions, whether it is the 'genuine' you or not.
Morituri, You know of my situation. Does it appear to you that the OP is remorseful? Like my wife was/is? She ( OP) understands , intellectually, what she has done, but doesn't feel the pain she has caused. In my opinion, with this ability to empathize, there is no true remorse. What she is feeling is guilt, which is selfish, not remorse, which is selfless.
I read your story, just wondering why if she was so remourseful, you didn't R. Was it not enough?
Morituri, I agree that her actions are paramount, but that includes ALL of her actions. The sheer enormity of her disrespect and callousness regarding her husband and family makes her suspect , as to her true motive for R. To cheat, and then kick her husband out of his home, is about the worst thing I've heard of, on TAM. So NOW she is trying to R? I don't see how she can possibly show love and respect and caring for her family, after such horrible disrespect, and selfish behavior. It's not like a light switch, you can't turn it on or off at a whim. I feel that she has serious issues to address BEFORE any attempt at R should be made, and in the interim, her husband and family should have the right to accept or reject her, as THEY choose. Like my own wife, she has forfeited any rights in the marriage, that I or her husband do not choose to give her.
You've gotta be kidding me with your comment about "worst thing on TAM" or Just about. Have you not read all the stories on here, I was a lot of things for sure, but I was not ****ing him under my husband's roof and he was never in the same place. Did I lie, and take my affair underground? no, did I fight the urge to contact him one more time to tell him that it was over, yes, and "I hope he understands", no, when it was done, it was done.
As a BS I'd like to point out some of the things you have said that have triggered me.
1) So I know I have to work more on reassuring him that I know it bothers him that I'm going to certain places, but he also wants me to go out and have a good time.; let me assure you he does not want you to go out and have a good time, he wants you to stay home and show you are committed to your M, not your friends, etc.
2) I felt we really needed to talk about our needs, and not focus on the affair as much, which we have talked about to death; I'm sorry but your M will have nothing to do with your needs for a long long time, it should be all about him.
3) not feel at times disgusted with my behavior; Never going to happen, he will always feel disgusted over this behavior.
4) I always left my cell phone around, he had such blind trust in me. If only he had looked at my phone he would have seen it all right in front of him; you sound almost like you blame him for not finding out sooner, blind trust is a gift, one I assure you that he will never again bestow upon you a 100%.
5) my husband points out I was and still to a point very naive. It used to drive him crazy how I never saw a bad situation coming, or that people were manupulating me; this is a big one for me, my exh used the same line. "I never saw it coming", really at what point when you were taking off each others clothes did you not think something wrong was happening, nobody can make somebody do something. Just the fact alone that you think this man manipulated you shows that you do not acknowledge responsibility for your part in the A. You weren't naive when you went back for seconds, you knew exactly what was going to happen.
6) I really thought if I wanted this, then I would do this alone; something you should have done before you slept with the OM the first time.
7) I had a lot of resentment towards my husband, yes that's true. I didn't hater him though. He had a serious neck injury 15 years prior, and required suguries and physical therapy to overcome this. During this time I felt I was in the "caretaker" role while my own needs were not met. Again not the reason I had the affair, but possibly made it easier; it's just an excuse, remember the vows? In sickness and in health?
8) I never said that during the affair I wasn't a liar, cheater, or uncaring, I was all of those things and worse. But does it mean that I am doomed forever to these qualities???? can a person not change??; sadly the truth is yes you are doomed. He will most likely always have doubts about your intentions, honesty, integrity and faithfulness. My exh said the other week, "why don't you trust me, I would never do anything to hurt the kids" I told him I don't trust him because he has proven to me otherwise. As BS's we learn to keep our guard up, our trust and nativity got the best of us once, and we learned a hard lesson. Many BS's here who have successfully reconciled have not recovered 100%.
I mean none of the above as an attack, just trying to point out the things you say that trigger me, in the hopes that they may better help you relate and heal your H. I would also recommend a book called How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda J. MacDonald M. S.
Curious to know if any of your family and friends know of your infidelity? And if not, why not?
All my friends and family know of my affair, I had no say in the matter, and did not fight that. Friends and family will forgive easier than marriage partners.
I agree, Eli-Zor, but I feel that it is important, for us to be able to help her, to know what her motives for R are. We cannot give her any advice withou as much knowledge as we can get, and having our questions answered. On my thread, I appreciated ALL posts, whether they agreed with my choices or not. Frankly, I do not believe she is being honest with us. She contradicts herself and blame shifts a lot.
If I have not been honest then you are free to debate with me further on this, and ask me anything you want, chances are, that I will answer you, but let up on the attacking so I can really hear what you are saying, and not just your anger or bitterness.
Re: What Else Can I do? 
