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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-22-2011, 02:10 PM   #106 (permalink)
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By "genuine" I meant the real me, the person who he knows, if I got down on my hands and knees, he would know it was fake, and I'm not that kinda gal, he would much prefer that I take actions that are part of who I am....Make sense?
maybe he would prefer that you change some of the genuine you? after all the genuine you cheated on him
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Old 11-22-2011, 02:19 PM   #107 (permalink)
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By "genuine" I meant the real me, the person who he knows, if I got down on my hands and knees, he would know it was fake, and I'm not that kinda gal, he would much prefer that I take actions that are part of who I am....Make sense?
I guess it makes sense .... not very flattering for you.

You are able to cheat on your husband! (genuine you)

You aren't able to get down on your knees and ask him for forgiveness! (genuine you)

Whether you like it or not, this is how your husband is viewing you.
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Old 11-22-2011, 02:54 PM   #108 (permalink)
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Working Together, the biggest problem you have standing in the way of recovery is that you cannot truly empathize with your BH. You can never feel the pain that your affair caused. I believe that the more a WS can understand the level of the destruction they caused, the better the chance at reconciliation.

You talk about being the “genuine” you. The truth is that the kind of pain you dished out fundamentally changes the nature of the one hurt. I have never cried a day in my adult life, but when I discovered my WW’s affair, I cried like a baby for days. If you every get close to understanding the hurt you caused, you may be able to humble yourself and it just might break some of your pride. I would guess that this is what your BH is looking for.

I do think that you are genuine in your desire to recover your marriage. But, the heavy work falls on you. You have to do everything in your power to help your BH recover from the trauma you have caused. Until that happens, it doesn’t matter what was missing in your marriage that left you vulnerable to lowering your boundaries and having an affair. Try to show him every day, in every way possible, that you are committed to doing everything in your power to establish and enforce personal boundaries to prevent this from ever happening again. Also, let him grieve and just be there to help him. Don’t make excuses and let him know that his feelings are valid. The best thing you could ever say to him, when he is angry or hurt is that you understand, that this is all your fault and that he has every right to feel what he’s feeling.
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Old 11-22-2011, 10:51 PM   #109 (permalink)
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By "genuine" I meant the real me, the person who he knows, if I got down on my hands and knees, he would know it was fake, and I'm not that kinda gal, he would much prefer that I take actions that are part of who I am....Make sense?
I think the one thing that you really need to understand is that your H is probably second guessing everything he knows about you. You are no longer the faithful loving wife and mother to his children, yet a stranger, who in many ways resembles her and acts as a daily reminder for what he has lost. He has no clue what kinda gal you are anymore.

I myself think that while you do not fit the general idea of a remorseful spouse, you are remorseful. If you weren't intent on reconnecting with your H I don't think you would keep coming back here.
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:04 AM   #110 (permalink)
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I read your story, just wondering why if she was so remourseful, you didn't R. Was it not enough?
You remind me a lot of her. She, too, was an intelligent, independent, degreed person, but that didn't prevent her from cheating, lying, and disrespecting me, did it? She violated the conditions I set for recovery. Her remorse was false like yours is.
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:11 AM   #111 (permalink)
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To me, Morituri, it is further evidence of duplicity. Does her husband know about her desire for the OM, about the "sexual awakening", about the reasons for her desire for R? If she TRULY is remorseful, then she should invite him to TAM, to read this thread, and listen to other BS's.
That's actually a good point to make, I would hope that she has been completely forthright in her feelings and thoughts, while at the same time not assessing blame on her husband. But that's part of the advice she asking for- what can she do and it's a valid opinion to point out to her
That is wise counsel gentlemen.

Badblood, in my situation the 'hysterically crying on her hands and knees' that my ex-wife displayed to me on D-day seemed extremely hypocritically self-serving to me because it came from fear of losing me and not out of love to let me go.. My view was that as soon as her fear subsided she would be again her 'normal' self. If she had shown me a remorse born from love of letting me go and not of fear of losing me, then just maybe it would have been what I needed for my personal healing and just maybe would have allowed me to consider giving our marriage another chance instead of me choosing to file for divorce.

Working_Together, have you offered your husband, in a kind and loving fashion, to let him go if reconciliation proves too much of a burden for him? Have you offered him a post-nuptial agreement to appease any concerns he might have regarding his financial health after a divorce? These are things that you should consider.
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:14 AM   #112 (permalink)
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You have a point in terms of "pride", yes, I do have a lot of pride, it's difficult for me to show my weaknesses, my husband has pointed this out to me. It also comes into play when he wants to see more of my emotional side, when it does come through, he basically melts. He's not a "weak" man, in fact is really a tough guy, in your face sometimes. With me, yes, he's softer, and has let me make mistakes and forgiven me unconditionally.

Does this mean I should get down on my knees and beg his forgiveness, it's not who I am, I'm not trying to sound cold, but I would prefer that he see the genuine me the way I am most comfortable.
"I would prefer", "I am most comfortable", I, me, my ......do you EVER think of others? My heart goes out to your husband and kids, they will always be second and third in you heart....right after yourself. You are without doubt, the most selfish WS I have seen on TAM. I predict future unhappiness and drama for your family. You only care about them when it suits you to do so. I'm sorry, this thread is depressing. This OP will never "get it", as far as the hurt she has caused and the damage she has done. Her self image will not allow her to do so. To her, this is an intellectual exercise. Of deep emotional remorse, she has none and never will have. I'm gone.
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:55 AM   #113 (permalink)
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I am sorry, Working. I am neither angry or bitter, just sad that you are so selfish and uncaring, and that you will never FEEL. You don't know what your missing. Goodbye and I wish your family luck, you will need it.
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Old 11-23-2011, 09:07 AM   #114 (permalink)
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You make a valid point. I haven't really looked at it from that perspective. Actually, this has come up in our family with our oldest son who is 21. He came to me one morning crying and devastated to learn that his g/f of two years cheated on him. I really felt the pain and it killed me inside to know that I could not protect him from such a heart break. I also didn't advise him in terms of ending the relationship, but asked him what he wanted to do, and helped he reflect on whether it was a relationship worth salvaging. In the end, he did end it, and that was his choice. But yes, it was hard seeing him suffer in such pain for a long time as my son.
Wow, awkward. How could you, a cheater, advise him on properly dealing with another cheater like yourself? Wow. At least he did the smart thing and dump her. Was that your advice, or did you think the like you the cheaters actually deserve a chance?
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Old 11-23-2011, 09:13 AM   #115 (permalink)
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Wow, awkward. How could you, a cheater, advise him on properly dealing with another cheater like yourself? Wow. At least he did the smart thing and dump her. Was that your advice, or did you think the like you the cheaters actually deserve a chance?
Shaggy, her advice was given 2 years BEFORE she cheated on her husband.
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Old 11-23-2011, 09:13 AM   #116 (permalink)
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I see the problem you husband is facing now - when you got caught, and he confronted - you kicked him out, and you chose to keep seeing the OM.

Your husband had his soul crushed by you, and he was humiliated to his family, friends, and Children. He wasn't man enough to keep his wife, she decided to toss him out of him own home and to keep the OM in her life.

Then after a while, out of guilt you threw him a cookie and let him try his life on again. I'm guessing he is constantly looking over his shoulder waiting for it to happen again.

Wow. Is he getting a lot of counseling to try and rebuild any sense of self worth he might have left inside?

How do his children treat him - after you tossed him and after he was allowed back by you? I'm, yes they probably offered their support to him, but did they continue to look at him with respect?
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Old 11-23-2011, 09:39 AM   #117 (permalink)
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Wow, awkward. How could you, a cheater, advise him on properly dealing with another cheater like yourself? Wow. At least he did the smart thing and dump her. Was that your advice, or did you think the like you the cheaters actually deserve a chance?
My son's issues with infidelity happened 2 years before my affair, and like I thought I had already said, I did not "advise" him, I would never do that, he needed to make this choice on his own. I needed to be there for him, to show that I was there to listen to his pain. I felt sick that this happened to him, we have a great relationship, I'm glad he came to me for support.
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Old 11-23-2011, 09:45 AM   #118 (permalink)
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I see the problem you husband is facing now - when you got caught, and he confronted - you kicked him out, and you chose to keep seeing the OM.

Your husband had his soul crushed by you, and he was humiliated to his family, friends, and Children. He wasn't man enough to keep his wife, she decided to toss him out of him own home and to keep the OM in her life.

Then after a while, out of guilt you threw him a cookie and let him try his life on again. I'm guessing he is constantly looking over his shoulder waiting for it to happen again.

Wow. Is he getting a lot of counseling to try and rebuild any sense of self worth he might have left inside?

Good point, my two younger children were not old enough to understand what happened. My older son who is 21, knew everything, how could he not, he heard my husband screaming at me for weeks expressing his rage. Unfortunately, because he dumped his g/f, I think he lost respect for his dad, although their relationship has never been strong...lots of head butting. They're trying to work out their issues since he still lives at home, but yeah, a tough one for sure.

Hubby saw a psychologist (an excellent one) for a few months, it helped a lot with his anger and hurt.

How do his children treat him - after you tossed him and after he was allowed back by you? I'm, yes they probably offered their support to him, but did they continue to look at him with respect?
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Old 11-23-2011, 09:50 AM   #119 (permalink)
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"I would prefer", "I am most comfortable", I, me, my ......do you EVER think of others? My heart goes out to your husband and kids, they will always be second and third in you heart....right after yourself. You are without doubt, the most selfish WS I have seen on TAM. I predict future unhappiness and drama for your family. You only care about them when it suits you to do so. I'm sorry, this thread is depressing. This OP will never "get it", as far as the hurt she has caused and the damage she has done. Her self image will not allow her to do so. To her, this is an intellectual exercise. Of deep emotional remorse, she has none and never will have. I'm gone.
You don't know me as a mother, my kids have always come first in my life, something my husband has always been jealous of. I'm actually trying to make more of an effort of making my husband a priority.
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Old 11-23-2011, 09:57 AM   #120 (permalink)
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That is wise counsel gentlemen.

Badblood, in my situation the 'hysterically crying on her hands and knees' that my ex-wife displayed to me on D-day seemed extremely hypocritically self-serving to me because it came from fear of losing me and not out of love to let me go.. My view was that as soon as her fear subsided she would be again her 'normal' self. If she had shown me a remorse born from love of letting me go and not of fear of losing me, then just maybe it would have been what I needed for my personal healing and just maybe would have allowed me to consider giving our marriage another chance instead of me choosing to file for divorce.

Working_Together, have you offered your husband, in a kind and loving fashion, to let him go if reconciliation proves too much of a burden for him? Have you offered him a post-nuptial agreement to appease any concerns he might have regarding his financial health after a divorce? These are things that you should consider.
We've talked about this, he's told me during the times he has had triggers that he wonders if it's "ever going to work". I've tried to be loving and tell him that the pain may be too great for him, and that in a couple of years it may not work out. He's finally said that he feels that I would never do this to him again, I hope it's because I've done my best to prove this to him. Neither of us want to give up at this point.

We're not loaded, we're living on social work salaries. lol. I'm fairly independent, and wouldn't take anything from him. I would only ask that he help with kids activities, nothing else.
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