Re: What Else Can I do?
Working Together, the biggest problem you have standing in the way of recovery is that you cannot truly empathize with your BH. You can never feel the pain that your affair caused. I believe that the more a WS can understand the level of the destruction they caused, the better the chance at reconciliation.
You talk about being the “genuine” you. The truth is that the kind of pain you dished out fundamentally changes the nature of the one hurt. I have never cried a day in my adult life, but when I discovered my WW’s affair, I cried like a baby for days. If you every get close to understanding the hurt you caused, you may be able to humble yourself and it just might break some of your pride. I would guess that this is what your BH is looking for.
I do think that you are genuine in your desire to recover your marriage. But, the heavy work falls on you. You have to do everything in your power to help your BH recover from the trauma you have caused. Until that happens, it doesn’t matter what was missing in your marriage that left you vulnerable to lowering your boundaries and having an affair. Try to show him every day, in every way possible, that you are committed to doing everything in your power to establish and enforce personal boundaries to prevent this from ever happening again. Also, let him grieve and just be there to help him. Don’t make excuses and let him know that his feelings are valid. The best thing you could ever say to him, when he is angry or hurt is that you understand, that this is all your fault and that he has every right to feel what he’s feeling.