The Wild Oats Project - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #61 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 04:58 AM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

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This has been discussed previously:

She's a Ho, But at Least She's an Honest Ho
Thanks, DayOne. Odo and I were talking about this, he said he'd remembered the story from somewhere. I could have sworn it was here but wasn't sure.


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post #62 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 05:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

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This has been discussed previously:

She's a Ho, But at Least She's an Honest Ho
@DayOne is officially the new TAM Archivist since @LongWalk seems to be missing.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #63 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 11:42 AM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

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I did. She didn't believe me when I said my trigger was nothing she did. She said I was just protecting her from guilt and I shouldn't do that so I showed her the article. That also made her feel like sh*t. She read it then said what a shallow and horrible woman and she's the same as her. Then she cried. I wanted to avoid all this. Maybe we shouldn't. I still don't understand how someone so casually screws up other people's lives because they feel like that they haven't f*cked enough different people? I just don't understand. I might have taken it better if I got the "It just happened and we're madly in love. Goodbye." At least then they think it's love that they're hurting other people over. The reason I'm having to learn to accept wasn't anything as significant or powerful as love. It was just curiosity about other people's d*cks. At the end of the day that's all it took to hurt me so bad. Oh well, I'm calming down a bit. One "gift" I'm starting to develop after all this is a bit more of a nihilist view of the world. In the end none of this means anything. The joy of wedded bliss or the excruciating pain of betrayal. None of it really means anything. C'est la vie.


Lucas, you and your wife are learning, many mistakes, trials, and struggles will occur throughout your reconciliation. Triggers will hit, emotions will run rampant at times. All of this needs to be communicated with each other, if not, then neither if you can grow. Your wife needs to know your triggers, needs to know your emotions and how fleeting they sometimes are. She needs this to grow, to understand fully what she has done. Communicating with her about these is vulnerability by you, her reaction to this vulnerability allows you to begin to trust again. It also shows her what you are feeling unsafe about, and what she needs to do to make you feel safer.

Not long ago I made a huge mistake, I couldn't see it and it had to be pointed out by many here. I triggered, we were busy and did not have a chance to discuss the trigger. So I suppressed the trigger, but the trigger hit worse then I thought, I should have communicated with my wife regardless of how busy. At a family gathering my wife found out her sister was going through financial infidelity. My wife acted out disrespectfully to me, and I combined that with my trigger. By combining these two incidents it created a far larger storm then necessary. I didn't own my trigger, I didn't communicate, and I coped terribly. My wife allowed her emotions to get the best of her and acted out disrespectfully. This is a very rare outburst, she hadn't done this before, but stress got the better of her. Much like the anger from your trigger got the best of you when you talked to your wife.

Communication is a huge factor in being able to reconcile. You triggered and should have spoken to your wife, instead you communicated poorly and treated her badly. When she read what triggered you, you saw her reaction, you saw her emotion, you know how terrible she feels. But she needs to feel that, this is how she will grow, by fully accepting all of her choices and how they affect you. However you can't communicate with profanity, yet at the same time you are learning new communication, outbursts like you had will help nobody, in fact it only lays more of a foundation to continue bad communication.

I wish you the best of luck Lucas, and @farsidejunky I apologize for the thread jack.
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post #64 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 01:36 PM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

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@DayOne is officially the new TAM Archivist since @LongWalk seems to be missing.

What does that say about me? I started the thread and didn't even remember it.

Alzheimer's.
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post #65 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

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What does that say about me? I started the thread and didn't even remember it.

Alzheimer's.
Or Oldtimers...

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #66 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 03:11 AM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

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What does that say about me? I started the thread and didn't even remember it.

Alzheimer's.
Let's just forget about it, OK?
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post #67 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 08:41 AM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

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Let's just forget about it, OK?
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I wasn't here for the last round so I appreciate it. I think threads like this need to be revived at least once a year. This one helped me realize how pissed off I still am. I had been convincing myself I wasn't that angry anymore until this thread. Triggered very hard and raged for 48 hours. That means that rage was there all along and needed to come out. Therefore, this thread had value to me and I thank everyone who participated in it. With that said, the lady author that is the subject of this thread is a horrid ****, will deservedly die alone, and no one will mourn her.

Last edited by MattMatt; 09-09-2016 at 10:54 AM.
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post #68 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 10:32 AM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

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I wasn't here for the last round so I appreciate it. I think threads like this need to be revived at least once a year. This one helped me realize how pissed off I still am. I had been convincing myself I wasn't that angry anymore until this thread. Triggered very hard and raged for 48 hours. That means that rage was there all along and needed to come out. Therefore, this thread had value to me and I thank everyone who participated in it. With that said, the lady author that is the subject of this thread is a horrid ****, will deservedly die alone, and no one will mourn her.
There will always be an undercurrent of scumbags LJ in this world... people who just don't hold to "normal" mores and morals. You just have to remember that.

Your WW sacrificed her principles, her morals and her ethics. It will be hard for her to get those back, so you need to encourage her to build herself up in those areas and to re-build her boundaries.

Last edited by MattMatt; 09-09-2016 at 10:54 AM.
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post #69 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 10:56 AM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

Mod note: Using the C word seems to get people in trouble, even if it is nt splt out in ful.

So, lts nt go thr.

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post #70 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 11:17 AM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

I don't know what word to use to describe the person who is the subject of this article. Clearly, understanding her position is not easy for me to grasp. I have only been intimate with my wife, there has not been any desire to be intimate with anyone else. Does this make me odd? Am I really missing out? This just doesn't make sense to me on so many levels. I'm not trying to put anyone down, my beliefs and morals are my own, but I hold them close to me. Compromising my beliefs and morals just isn't something I'm willing to do, even after infidelity. I guess I can be placed in the weird column that I don't desire being intimate unless it's who I am in a serious relationship with.
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post #71 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 12:57 PM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

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I don't know what word to use to describe the person who is the subject of this article. Clearly, understanding her position is not easy for me to grasp. I have only been intimate with my wife, there has not been any desire to be intimate with anyone else. Does this make me odd? Am I really missing out? This just doesn't make sense to me on so many levels. I'm not trying to put anyone down, my beliefs and morals are my own, but I hold them close to me. Compromising my beliefs and morals just isn't something I'm willing to do, even after infidelity. I guess I can be placed in the weird column that I don't desire being intimate unless it's who I am in a serious relationship with.
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It does not make you odd. It makes you loyal. Being satisfied with one person is good. I don't get why experiencing different people makes any difference. It's a comparison thing and who really wants to be compared?

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post #72 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 01:40 PM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

In reading these articles, it's just sad that people do this to each other. Really, for what? To experience some new genitals? I have never met a vagina I didn't like. But, what made them SPECIAL was the person that it was attached to. I can only assume penises are the same for women.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #73 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 02:27 PM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

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In reading these articles, it's just sad that people do this to each other. Really, for what? To experience some new genitals? I have never met a vagina I didn't like. But, what made them SPECIAL was the person that it was attached to. I can only assume penises are the same for women.
Not all in either instance, men or women. Truly, this is not intended as a pc post. Women admit there are size queens. Men admit they have found some to feel better than others. Some of each gender are alive.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #74 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 02:30 PM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

I don't understand why some people tie their happiness and self worth to going out and engaging in rampant promiscuity, even when they supposedly have the blessing of their spouse.

I think I'd just rather go fly fishing.
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post #75 of 82 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 02:46 PM
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Re: The Wild Oats Project

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In reading these articles, it's just sad that people do this to each other. Really, for what? To experience some new genitals? I have never met a vagina I didn't like. But, what made them SPECIAL was the person that it was attached to. I can only assume penises are the same for women.
Yes. Different genitals can be different, of course, but the entire experience is largely determined by the personality of the owner, and can be very, very different with different personalities - maybe every bit as good (sometimes a little better - or worse), but different. New genitals don't have a lot of appeal, but new personalities could.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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