My Husband had a One Night Stand...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-17-2011, 06:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My Husband had a One Night Stand...

I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out what I want to do. yesterday I found out my Husband had a one night stand.

About three weeks ago, we got into an argument and he decided to leave with his buddy. They went out drinking and he told me he blew all of his money at the strip club. He failed to mention GOING home with someone from the bar... the timeing was ALL bad. He didn't know it at the time-but his mother and I had planned to suprise him by bring his dad and brother for a week 1/2 visit. He cheated on me the night before they got in... I'm actually greatful he didn't tell me right after-otherwise I'm not sure how the week and half would have went. A little sidenote- I have three dogs of my own, and therefore can't really LEAVE the house or situation... so had he told me the day it happened I would have been stuck with his whole family in MY house for nearly two weeks. BUT- he lied over and over and over agian. I found out beacuse he bad mouthed the ONE friend he told, and his friend got mad and put him on blast...told me everything.

Now- I don't know what to do... I've been reading the other post's and I'm thankful that he didn't have an actual affair- but a ONS is not a whole lot better? I think we can work this out, but I'm afraid I'll never trust him again. He know's I deserve better I don't know if I want him to stay becuase I actually want him to stay-or becuase I don't want to be alone. I know that's not healthy... I don't know...


HELP? ideas?
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

He has some work to do!! He needs to be totally and completely remorseful. He should be willing to chop off his left nut and hand it to you on a silver platter right now. He should be GROVELLING. He should show you all his bank and credit card statements and account for every penny to prove it's a one time thing. You should have access to his phone record of calls and texts so he can prove to you he isn't still in contact with anyone. And from now on he should be accounting for his wherabouts to you every second of every day.

This should be true for months if not years.

He fu@ked up ROYALLY and now has to make amends.

And you will have some healing to do. He has destroyed your trust utterly. Give yourself some time to figure out what you want to do. Don't make any decisions. Go to IC. Do some soul searching. Some reading. Mourn for your relationship. Figure out - if he hadn't done this, would you still want him? Since he has - can you try to get past it and start a new relationship with him? Because the one you had is over and done with. He destroyed it.
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

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Originally Posted by AKAmbo View Post
I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out what I want to do. yesterday I found out my Husband had a one night stand.

About three weeks ago, we got into an argument and he decided to leave with his buddy. They went out drinking and he told me he blew all of his money at the strip club. He failed to mention GOING home with someone from the bar... the timeing was ALL bad. He didn't know it at the time-but his mother and I had planned to suprise him by bring his dad and brother for a week 1/2 visit. He cheated on me the night before they got in... I'm actually greatful he didn't tell me right after-otherwise I'm not sure how the week and half would have went. A little sidenote- I have three dogs of my own, and therefore can't really LEAVE the house or situation... so had he told me the day it happened I would have been stuck with his whole family in MY house for nearly two weeks. BUT- he lied over and over and over agian. I found out beacuse he bad mouthed the ONE friend he told, and his friend got mad and put him on blast...told me everything.

Now- I don't know what to do... I've been reading the other post's and I'm thankful that he didn't have an actual affair- but a ONS is not a whole lot better? I think we can work this out, but I'm afraid I'll never trust him again. He know's I deserve better I don't know if I want him to stay becuase I actually want him to stay-or becuase I don't want to be alone. I know that's not healthy... I don't know...


HELP? ideas?
so he got all drunk when he was mad at you and then had a ONS

lots of bad decisions there. dose he drink often when hes mad?

hmmm. how old is he? sounds like a youngster.
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

you're definitely right... have already looked through the call logs- he's on my plan... he doesn't even know her name-let alone any contact info... I just don't know what to do. His mom lives with us, part time... I'm afraid of whats going to happen if I decide to end the relationship-start the divorce papers (my worst fear) we're 14 days out from rent and I can't possibly come up with his mother portion of the rent if I kick them both out... Its so crazy complicated. aside from the financial issues that goes along with kicking him out- I'm not sure if that's what i want...but am i truly respecting myself if I don't?
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

yeah-he's 25... and possibly not ready for the committment he signed up for. he does drink when he's upset and that was the FIRST thing talked about when I found out. HOW alcohol affects his judgment and that it needs to be the FIRST to go...or he'll have to.
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

You do not need to decide right now!! I kicked my hubby out the very day I found out what he was up to, and he had never even actually gotten physical (at that point). I never even thought about how to pay the bills - it was a knee jerk reaction. I was lucky because he was so derailed he kept paying all the bills for me that he had before (rightly so - it was his infidelity that caused him to be kicked out). but I think my hubby was a huge exception to the rule of wayward spouses and the way they act after discovery.

It doesn't sound like you have kids, which leaves things a little less complicated.

He needs to get himself into some counseling to figure out why the hell he did this. Saying he was drunk and it was a one-off doesn't cut it.

How is he acting? Is he grovelling?
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

Sorry, the first thing you need to do is require him to be tested for STDs before even begining to think about reconcilliation. If you have intimatcy with him since that time you also need to be tested. You need to do this to protect yourself.

Then you can start laying out the process for what YOU want.

He has violated the vows of your marriage, put you are risk and is this the type of person you want to be married to? He needs to really become a man and act like a husband, if he is not willing to take the steps you need to end this Sham of a marriage, not you but how he treats it.
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

He's wollowing in self-pitty. he know's how bad he's effffffed up. it doesn't help at all that he got laid off on Tuesday. -he's had a REALLY bad week...

counseling is definitely in the works- He's a Christian- I'm not, but I fully support his beliefs- he hasn't been to church since Easter and hasn't picked up his bible in months. I'm hoping that this will show him that his god is knocking on his door telling him he needs to get his prioritries straight and live like a man of god-if that's what he needs to be held accountable & responsible.

How did you re-build trust?
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:42 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

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Originally Posted by rrrbbbttt View Post
Sorry, the first thing you need to do is require him to be tested for STDs before even begining to think about reconcilliation. If you have intimatcy with him since that time you also need to be tested. You need to do this to protect yourself.

Then you can start laying out the process for what YOU want.

He has violated the vows of your marriage, put you are risk and is this the type of person you want to be married to? He needs to really become a man and act like a husband, if he is not willing to take the steps you need to end this Sham of a marriage, not you but how he treats it.
Testing is ALSO in the works...becuase yes-we've had sex since and I had no idea...
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

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Sorry, the first thing you need to do is require him to be tested for STDs before even begining to think about reconcilliation.
Yep. And either go with him for the results or get them in writing!
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:46 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

YOU do not have to rebuild trust, HE does.

You lay out the rules for him NC. Full disclosure etc and also stopping him from the practice of going to Strip Clubs since it is apparent he can't handle it, that is your choice. I always think why go look at bologna when you have steak at home.
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:52 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

Hope-how did you & your Husband build trust again?
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Old 11-17-2011, 07:00 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

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Hope-how did you & your Husband build trust again?
It's been over a year and a half and I still check up on him and do not trust him 100%. It gets better every day though. He did almost all the work. IC and MC and total transparency and determination to work on the marriage.

The cheating is 100% on him. 100%. The fact our marriage wasn't great beforehand was on both of us. There's four choices when a marriage sucks
1. Cheat
2. Divorce
3. Don't do anything about it
4. Fix it
Before D day, he was doing #1 and I was doing #3. Now we're both doing #4.
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Old 11-17-2011, 07:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband had a One Night Stand...

the sad part is, our marriage didn't suck before this. but it sucks now and I have to choose from 2 or 4... UGH! stupid men...
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