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Feeling a lot lost

10K views 55 replies 25 participants last post by  ABHale 
#1 ·
My husband has cheated on me … again. I don’t know what to do. Even if I did, I don’t know whether I have the energy to do it. I love him very much. He says that he loves me very much. He wants our marriage to survive this; and is willing to do whatever he can to save it.

The first OW was someone he met online – the relationship started before we were married and then morphed into an EA that he carried on via email for the first year of our marriage until I fell pregnant with our first child. He had told me about a very passionate kiss before we got married (we took a break to rethink things before recommitting ourselves to the relationship), but I only found out the full story later by chance. There were actually secret meetings and phone calls, a ONS (stopping just short of sex) and, even after our marriage, a very emotional and romantic email exchange. When I found out by accident, I was devastated. I told him that I wanted a divorce, he (as non-confrontational as he is) fought back with how sorry he was and how he wasn’t going to let me throw away our relationship and family on something so stupid that he’d done. We went to MC and he went to IC. It was painful, but we grew up and grew together, had another son, and the affair became something of a badge that we had collected as a couple. Our experience together had made us stronger, more real and honest with each other. I can honestly say that I trusted him completely again.

More than ten years later (after I was treated for a major depression that went on for almost two years) I found out that that, for a few months earlier this year, he had another affair. This time, the OW was someone known to me (son’s school friend’s mother). My WH says that he has never had sex with another woman since he met me. He admits to a lot of kissing and hugging, secret meetings, flirtatious texting with this second OW. I found out about the affair when the OWH contacted me on a family holiday. (It had already ended by then – mostly due to OWH’s suspicions.) The OW had apparently come clean and finally confirmed the EA and that there had been “kissing”. My WH first tried to minimise things - a few weeks later he was finally more honest about the extent of what had gone on. He says now that he doesn’t have any real feelings for her at all, that he is deeply ashamed, that he felt “out of control” and “in a fog”. He says that he deeply regrets what he did.

In my calmer moments, I believe him. Sometimes I don’t. Mostly I try not to think about it at all. This second time is much worse. All the forgotten and forgiven hurt from the first betrayal has risen to the surface again. I am sad a lot, then I am angry and bitter a bit. Then I try to function normally - as normally as I can. My husband sits and holds my hands and says that he is so sorry, that he would do anything to save our marriage. He cries about how much he has hurt me, , then he holds me while I cry about how much he has hurt me, and he worries about the impact of his behaviour on our kids. I think he is genuinely remorseful (but then I think – what do I know?). I know that my depression wasn’t easy for him and that he did so much to keep our family functioning and healthy when I was getting well. I don’t know if I can trust him, don’t know if I should trust him. Am I stupid for even thinking of trying? He is a good dad and a good man. I want so badly to believe in him again.

Anyone got any wisdom for me?
 
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#2 ·
Grown, mature, experienced, dry-behind-the-ears, ADULTS do not stop at kissing and petting.

They had full body-on sex. Both of his affairs, they did this.

This is cheater script lies. They try to minimize the "outed" damage. Make it a forgivable offense.

NOT to spare you the details and pain, but to get him off the hook.

Your husbands boundaries were weak before you met him, after you married him.......and are still loose, still weak.

Pack his knap sack with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, toss in a porcupine, a rat and a skunk. Hand it to him and tell him to have a nice life in a place that is not HOME.
 
#24 ·
Sorry but cheaters are notorious liars.
Speak with the OW's H at length.
This is the second time. If it were me there wouldn't be a third
OK, did a brave/foolish/weird thing today and contacted the OW's H. Thank you Marc878 ...

We had coffee and swapped information. Aside from various warning lights going off around meeting him while we are both in such a frankly emotional state, we did OK (although 2 emotional introverts in a coffee shop sounds like a music group). I remain fairly neutral about the OW. She has nothing to do with the promises that were broken that cause me such pain - the breaking yes, the promises, no. I respect her a lot less now after the conversation I had with her husband. (She made my husband's trickle truth look like a tsunami). I knew her a bit (not all that well) so I had heard how she spoke about her spouse before all this happened. I don't have a lot of time for people that whinge about their spouses to others. I think that if you have issues with your spouse then you discuss them with your spouse. Everything else is disloyal and just a waste of time.

So the conversation was eye-opening. The OW's H is in a lot of pain, he is angry and all the things that you'd expect him (and me) to be. Some things I think he sees more clearly than me and others I think I see better than him. On the plus side (ish) - it would appear that my WS has been far more frank about things than his. And mine seems very much more committed to trying to save our marriage.

On the not-so-great side, he also doesn't quite believe that they didn't have sex. He also told me a few details/perspectives that I didn't know. My WH definitely spoke to the OW more about our relationship then he told me he did (he knows my views on this - see above). The OWH knew some small things about me that I certainly hadn't told him. It was so surreal ... and sordid. I'm not actually uncomfortable about anything that I found out - in general terms, I knew it already. Just feel a bit like I was out in public and suddenly noticed toilet paper stuck to my shoe.

I worry that I did him harm by telling him things that he didn't already know. He told me that all he wants is the truth. I told him what I had. I am definitely going to insist on a polygraph from my WH.
 
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#4 ·
There are men that view sex as the most intense bonding experience there can be with their spouse. Your husband is not one of these. He is the other type of man that thinks of sex as a great feeling for them self, but don't really care WHO gives them that feeling.

There are women that look at it the same way. If he took the time to "kiss", they did everything they possibly could together.

There are good men out there, hopefully you can find one.

Sorry you are here.
 
#5 ·
My husband sits and holds my hands and says that he is so sorry, that he would do anything to save our marriage.

Anyone got any wisdom for me?
Yes. Give him this list. Tell him once he completes it, you will consider giving him a third chance:
He must go to his parents with you and tell them what he's done and apologize.
He must go to your parents with you and tell them what he's done and apologize for hurting you.
He must contact OW's husband and apologize.
He must go back to IC and allow you to come to one session every month or two to get his IC's opinion on what's going on.
He must find a polygraph company and set up an appointment, for which you will set up the questions.
He must go to a lawyer and set up a postnup agreement so that if he cheats again he walks away with nothing.

If he's willing to do those things, you might have a chance.

And fwiw, when a cheater admits to kissing, they had at least made out. When a cheater admits to making out, they really had sex. When they admit to having sex once, they did it multiple times. This is true nearly every single time. So please don't do any of this without him taking a polygraph.
 
#13 ·
THIS! He got away with it to all intents and purposes and thinks not that you have a family, he will again. You do not have to make any decisions with regard to this WH. See how far he is actually able to go to save the marriage, but give him no free passes. If he is not willing to do all the things listed above, then you know your answer. You do not want to wake up in another 10-15 years with a man you despise, believe me this could happen when it is just you and him and no kids.
 
#7 ·
He's a serial, which means that it's time to pull the plug and move on. He's already shown you that he's not going to stop cheating -- from here on out, he's just going to get better at hiding it.

Also consider this -- for every affair that you DO know about, there are probably one or two that you've not yet discovered.

Oh and they're also lying -- adults don't meet up "just to kiss". They f*cked. Think about it... why put your marriage and family at risk unless you're going to go all the way?

I'll say it again:

THEY.

ARE.

LYING.

THEY.

F#CKED.

Dump the chump!

Posted via Mobile Device
 
#10 ·
Your post made me cry, and I'm not much of a cryer. My heart breaks for you.

I Agree to him following the steps listed above that include the poly. If he's serious, he will comply and there may be something here to salvage. TAKE. YOUR. TIME.


I'm so sorry you are here, it sounds like we've got two ultimately very nice, but very imperfect people really struggling with problems that seem impossible to solve. I hope you all get lots of help and that a FUTURE reconcile might happen. TAKE. YOUR. TIME.
 
#28 · (Edited)
Spicy, thank you. Your post made me cry back. I am battling so much with being so many different people. There's the one that keeps everything normal and even a bit smiley for my kids. There's the one that wrote my first post who cries ... pretty much always, if I let her. There's the one that nurses every new hurt (discovered or imagined) and is in a pretty foul mood all the time - frankly, she is a b1tch. There's the pragmatist who is prepared, once all checks and balances are in place, to take a chance on him and on trying again. And then there's the last one. Just trying to be real. Thank you for reminding me that she exists. Of all of them, I think she understands him best.
 
#12 ·
Your husband is full of BS, he's telling you only what he thinks you need to hear and saying it in a way that you fall for it hook line and sinker.

People who love one another don't do things that will cause devastation to the other person, it's really that simple.

You need to figure out why you are so reluctant to leave this horrible man who will hurt you without any regard for your feelings because he's only interested in satisfying his own selfish urges.

Remember, he only stopped- if he even did- because you caught him. If you didn't he wouldn't have stopped either one of those other times and there's a good chance there's even more women he was with that you don't even know about because if you didn't catch him, he had no reason to admit it to you.
 
#14 ·
turnera's list is a very good starting point. I want to say 'just dump him', but I know it's hard, especially with the depression. You may think, if only I wasn't depressed maybe this wouldn't have happened... but never forget, it's NOT your fault!

And I think he's majorly lying. They totally fvcked. Get together with the OWH and see if your stories line up!
 
#15 ·
A prostitute will f... but they don't [normally] kiss - to intimate.

No saying he went all the way but he was definitely being intimate outside the marriage, and it wasn't him who came clean.
Your call if he's the person you still want in your life, or are things in a state where you could enjoy freedom from worrying about a wandering partner?
 
#16 ·
When he said this " how he wasn’t going to let me throw away our relationship" is a piece of work. He is throwing it away, then and now.

"secret meetings" = sex. If nobody is around, what keeps them from doing it? You know sex can be quick... we've all had our quickies.
 
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#17 ·
I wouldn't be in a rush to jettison this marriage, especially with children. I wonder if your depression was any kind of contributing factor (not blaming you, of course). You both need to agree wholeheartedly on radical honesty between each other. Needs aren't being met, communication sucks, he's a liar. Without 100% honesty on everything past and present, marriage cannot recover and grow. 99% won't cut it. If it were me, I'd polygraph his a$$ since he has proven himself to be a liar. He is likely giving you the G-rated version to avoid hurting you further and to increase his odds of reconciliation. If you don't know the whole truth, how can you recover, forgive, and love him?
 
#18 ·
I wouldn't be in a rush to jettison this marriage, especially with children. I wonder if your depression was any kind of contributing factor (not blaming you, of course).
You're not blaming her, only suggesting that she once again forgive his serial cheating and constant lying and trickle truths because, well she was depressed so don't blame the poor guy for getting his own needs met because he's gotta deal with a depressed wife all day. Nice.
 
#19 ·
Miz,

Let me give you a heads up on Serial Cheaters... He never really stopped cheating on you after that 1st time before your marriage. Oh they will take a pause for 6 months maybe a year but they are always looking for that next time. The more realistic truth is... it just took 10 more years for him to get caught again.

Oh BTW, there was sex. My own WW finally admitted to me that after months of kissing and groping with her AP she decided to have sex. "The consequences didn't change." Understand?
 
#21 ·
These are the only women you found out about. Someone who is devoted and committed to you doesn't do this when things are bad. They work to make things better. He knows that there are no consequences and the worst that can happen is what he feels is already likely, divorce. He doesn't respect you or even more importantly himself.

You will never feel comfortable again. You will always be wondering. This won't ever change. Not tomorrow, a week, a month or a year from now. You will always question the devotion of your husband or how much of this all has been a sham. The only way to not feel this way is to pretend. Like a 1950s wife whose husband comes home and drinks at the office and bangs secretaries, you will have to pretend that none of this ever happens. If you can't do that, it will never leave your mind and it will destroy your soul.

Kick him the **** out right now. Reclaim your life and tell him you'll be fair to him, but he isn't the person you thought you married. Cleanse yourself now or it will only be harder and more muddled later. Remember, you need to take control. Don't wait to let things settle down. That is what he want. What's the worse that can happen? You kick him out now, change your mind later and he has moved on? **** him. If he loves you and wants you to be happy, he would devote his life to doing what you need. And what you need is to reincarnate.
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#26 · (Edited)
Hi tunera

The parent issue is a bit complicated. Both sets are pretty far away. And his are currently waiting on a pretty serious medical diagnosis. (There have been better times for us to have relationship drama.) I want to talk to my folks, but am worried that this will make them both very worried (they have enough of their own worries right now) and also that it will make a future relationship between them and my WH very difficult if we reconcile. My dad is pretty judgemental when it comes to sordid ... and whilst I could tell my mom, she would definitely tell my dad.
 
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#29 ·
Re: your parents. First, you NEED your parents' support for this. Second, his relationship with them is HIS problem to deal with. He caused this. Third, if he were to APOLOGIZE to them, and do it sincerely, it would serve two purposes (aside from giving you your parents' support): It would teach your H a very valuable lesson, to look them in the face or to even hear their voice over the phone, and see what HIS actions have done; and it would teach them that he can have humility and sorrow and may make them willing to give him a second chance.
 
#30 ·
I know you want to WISH that they didn't have sex. But the likelyhood is more so than not. Just as you didn't know about the time they spent with each other, you don't know what physical things happen - other than what he has told you. I saw text in my wife's phone about her and POSOM "Fu~~ing", yet both of them said "it was a joke". She has since admitted that yeah, they DID have sex, more than I knew at first. Because the tons of "friendly" text doesn't have to say SEX all the time - they were.

You should tell your husband... that IF you find out he is LYING about any sex in the future, that you will D him instantly. That he better come clean now... because eventually you will learn the truth, next week, next year... etc. That the continued lying of any sort will kill any chance of staying married.
 
#35 ·
I just wanted to give an update on where things are with me – for what it’s worth, my WH and I are still trying to R. Most days, it’s going quite well. Most days. (I am going to respond directly to the earlier comments here later - thank you all for them.)

Firstly, I told my parents what was going on. They were very supportive and told me that they both stood behind me no matter what decisions I ended up making. But, probably understandably because they have a vested grandchildren interest, they also both told me separately that they hoped that we'd be able to reconcile. I did realise that the first time this happened, I was too ashamed (go figure!) to tell people what was going on in my life. I felt humiliated and that everything had somehow been my fault. Whilst I don’t feel the need to humiliate my husband as part of his route to a possible reconciliation, I don’t feel any concern in telling anyone whose support I might need at this time.

Secondly, as I said in an earlier post, I met with the OW's husband. We compared notes and I found out that I had been given a far clearer picture of the truth than him. I am not sure, but when I last communicated with him they were separated and it looked as though a R was unlikely. The OW has since written me an apology email. Which was weird. I responded (after a week or so) that I hoped that her life will come right. Her first marriage broke up because her husband cheated very blatantly on her. And I know that she feels very guilty about pursuing a relationship with my husband. I don't feel very much animosity towards her at all. This worries me slightly (am I nurturing a boiling pit of rage somewhere and haven't noticed it yet?). But really, this has become less and less about her. (I haven't stalked her online for at least a few days ...) My pain comes from my husband breaking his promise to me. She had not made me any promises. As far as I am concerned, my WH is 100 % responsible for his actions and decisions and their impact on me.

A few weeks ago, I followed up on another thread suggestion here and looked at my husband's Google location history (from his maps timeline). Wow. This lead to me being able to analyse a great deal about his comings and goings before and during the affair. Maybe I should make a separate thread about trickle truth, but even at an intellectual level, I was interested by how different fact and my husband’s recollections were. He minimised so much - for example, he would tell me that he’d been past her house on the way back from work 2 or 3 times for 20 minutes each time. Once I was able to see it on the map, it was more like 6 times and, while some of them were for 20 minutes, others were for almost an hour.

After my first post, a lot of you challenged my "they only kissed" statements. I admit that I had doubts. Otherwise I probably would never have posted here. After I found out how much they could have been alone (he said someone else e.g. her kids were always at her house when he was there), I was becoming more and more convinced that they had had sex. My WH told me that he wanted to have the polygraph, and that he'd feel the same in my position. So I finally found a really nice examiner (Google search infidelity+ polygraph + mytown) and my WH actually did a polygraph. The whole experience was incredibly surreal.

Anyway, it came back good. i.e. he wasn't lying about the fact that they had only kissed - no other sexual contact of any kind (I was pretty specific about what this could have been). The examiner also asked him whether there had been anything else of significance (statements of love etc.) that my WH hadn't already told me about. And the answer to that was also no.

I’ll write up what I know of their affair “story” in the next post. For anyone who interested or who might learn something useful.
 
#40 · (Edited)
I met with the OW's husband. We compared notes and I found out that I had been given a far clearer picture of the truth than him. I am not sure, but when I last communicated with him they were separated and it looked as though a R was unlikely. The OW has since written me an apology email. Which was weird. I responded (after a week or so) that I hoped that her life will come right. Her first marriage broke up because her husband cheated very blatantly on her. And I know that she feels very guilty about pursuing a relationship with my husband. I don't feel very much animosity towards her at all. This worries me slightly (am I nurturing a boiling pit of rage somewhere and haven't noticed it yet?). But really, this has become less and less about her. (I haven't stalked her online for at least a few days ...) My pain comes from my husband breaking his promise to me. She had not made me any promises. As far as I am concerned, my WH is 100 % responsible for his actions and decisions and their impact on me.
Mizzbak, this para stood out for me, particularly the bolded. This is all your growth with your eyes wide open... to direct any ill feelings at someone that you have absolutely no control over is wasted energy... but that said, you have no control over your husband's poor choices either.

The only promise you can make is your's to yourself, every other promise ever made from someone to you may end up an unrealistic expectation that disappoints, this is why I say the strongest promise is the one you keep to yourself and how you will hold yourself honorable and accountable.

Your husband broke his promise to himself to be many things for you, sadly you are left suffering the fallout from that broken self-promise. When that happens, all one can do is keep their boundaries clear and presentable so there is no question if those self-promises fall and you can focus on what matters... you.

Please continue to leave the hot coal on the ground... it will only burn you if you pick it up to throw, even with the slightest grip.
 
#36 ·
My husband has cheated on me … again.

Anyone got any wisdom for me?
Yes... Whatever you do, don't R with a serial cheater.

I just wanted to give an update on where things are with me – for what it’s worth, my WH and I are still trying to R.
:wtf:
 
#37 · (Edited)
I was re-reading my post of a few days ago and realised that "for what it’s worth, my WH and I are still trying to R" sounds a bit wishy-washy.

If our marriage were a house (which has suffered significant fire damage), then we're currently living in the garage. We're now past the stage of agreeing that we actually need a completely new house and are currently in the process of drawing up plans. We have architects/therapists involved. And we're both trying to figure out how to do it much, much better next time. Do I think that my husband was the one who actually lit the match? Yes. Do I acknowledge that between my husband and I and some other marital/life debris there was a bunch of flammable stuff lying around? Yes. Am I still (somewhere in the back corner of my mind) reserving the right to throw in the towel and run home to mama? On not so great days, indeedy.

Anyway, I wanted to reply to some of the comments that you'd all made:

Yes... Whatever you do, don't R with a serial cheater.
:wtf:
I was first going to respond in kind with some kind of glib and hopefully witty quip. (DYK that EnviroKidz makes a crispy rice cereal with the cutest cheetah in its logo.)
Then I was sufficiently motivated to go and read some of your story, and so I will try and respond to your comment in a little more depth.

I suppose that all of us can be baffled by other people's relationships, especially marriages. Why some work (as weird, unbalanced and peculiar as they may seem from the outside) and others don't (as happy and normal as they looked - again from the outside). I think that in the end, it boils down to what each party gets for what they give.

I am a pretty analytical person. So I can tell you with reasonable confidence that my husband's second affair used up less than 100 hours of his life (this is an exceedingly generous estimate.) His first affair (more than 10 years ago - why does that make me think of Donald Trump?) was considerably less resource-intensive - again, let's be very generous - another 30 hours. My husband and I have lived together for almost 15 years. As long as I can remember, he has gotten up first and made me a cup of coffee, which he brings to me in bed. (I am not a morning person.) On a weekend day, sometimes he brings me 2 or 3 cups before I drag myself out of bed because I absolutely have to. (I am really not a morning person.) If I assume that each cup of coffee he makes for me takes 5 minutes to make, then he has spent more than 400 hours making me cups of coffee first thing in the morning. It is perhaps a foolish example, but it is also real. And I have a very long list of many more examples. Should my husband be reduced to being only a "serial cheater" when I try to decide whether my marriage to him is worth trying to save? Or can I acknowledge that he is an imperfect human being who spends most of his life trying very hard to be a good one - and like me, screws up on occasion? Please don't think that this means I feel that his sin against me is small. It is huge. And he knows this and has owned up to it.


I think you are giving your husband too much of the power play here. I feel like he cheated and his "remorse" and words of regret are bs, since this is not his first rodeo. He hasn't been held accountable so it is likely he will continue this behavior.
Yes, Sephirox, I agree with you that he wasn't held accountable in the past. Our handling of his first affair was all wrong. He didn't really have to face consequences aside from some angst and guilt at the time. He got away with telling himself that it was an anomaly and would never happen again. Although he also went to therapy then, he didn't confront the cowardly, manipulative parts of himself that allowed him to cheat on me. This time round, he has had quite a different experience :
  • he had to take a polygraph to prove that he had disclosed fully and face up the fact that he can no longer expect me to just believe him and take his words at face value, possibly ever again
  • he has had to acknowledge that his actions and decisions have negated our marriage vows; and any action that I may or may not choose to take to follow up on that is out of his control
  • I have realised that although I may still love him, this doesn't mean that it is the best decision for me that we remain married. I made this clear in a very unemotional context, and frankly I think this is the one that scares him the most.
  • he got away with a "temporary insanity" argument last time, this time he has had to admit that he has a fundamental character weakness
  • this time, I haven't been "strong" and I have been brutally open about the extent of the damage that his infidelity caused to our marriage and me
  • last time, his actions were primarily against me, this time he has two sons in the equation as well. When I showed him proof that he had "used" them to see his affair partner more often and easily and that they had been at least partially aware that he was spending so much time with her, it had a big impact.

I'm not sure that he has "the power" at the moment. To be honest, I feel like I'm the one that is automatically in the right. In fact, I've started to realise that with time, we have to switch back to being equal partners. But this will take a while. And as to his remorse being genuine - I think that he has far more empathy and understanding of where I'm at than before. Last time I was spun tales of "not really being in love with you before" and "feeling trapped"; this time I've seen a far more honest acknowledgement of a fundamental character failing. Right up front. No justification. Just - I'm so very sorry, I was a coward and bastard. I want to make this right. Please tell me how.

THIS!!!

OP, would you feel okay elaborating on your depression issues?

Personally, I think you must go see a therapist, work on yourself. Most of us come here broken hearted because we believe the person we love is the only person who will LOVE us. This is not the case. I feel your pain, however, I also feel you are letting your husband manipulate you. Does he know he is manipulating you? I don't know. I do know that a man who cries because he is confessing to an affair is doing his best to manipulate you.....

His were crocodile tears. I am almost 100% sure of this. I feel for you, you will have a very difficult time detaching from this man. Be strong and work on you. Be you.
ne9907 - my depression was a pretty major one. I was never suicidal, but I was certainly emotionally unavailable for a large part of it. I was on some fairly strong drugs that definitely modified my personality during the time I took them, although I think that they were helpful in dealing with the depression. I just felt like a different person for quite a while. Coming out of it, I can tell you that my husband handled some of it wrong, in that he just kept taking up the load. He took over a lot of my domestic responsibilities to try and make things easier for me, but all that happened is that I felt less and less needed and relevant. So all in all, not a great situation. It is easy for me to see that he would reasonably have felt resentful and unappreciated by the time he started his affair. And yes, thank you, I am currently having IC. Do I think that he is manipulating me? Perhaps at the beginning when I first found out, although probably not consciously. Now, if anything I feel like I am the one with a more objective view, the one who is more in control.

You're lying to yourself. :|

In your first post in this thread, you clearly state that this guy has been cheating on you since BEFORE you even married him, yet you're making excuses for him by claiming your depression contributed to his behavior this time. Your depression lasted for 2 years so it's obvious you WEREN'T depressed the first time he chose to cheat years ago, so what convenient excuse does he have for the first time he did it? And I hate to say it but god knows how many other times it's happened that you DON'T know about. In either event, don't make excuses for him by blaming your depression for being part of the reason he chose to cheat just because you want so badly to forgive him - again.
She'sStillGotIt, I did finally find a good, experienced polygraph examiner who confirmed my husband's truthfulness with respect to his recent affair and his interim behaviour. You're completely right that he didn't have my depression as an excuse the first time he cheated on me. I can find other "excuses" in terms of what was going on in both of our lives at the time, but actually what he did is not excusable. So the question is more about whether I can understand and forgive, rather than just excuse. For me there is a very big distinction.

I suppose the mental footwork that I'm guilty of at the moment is treating these as two separate situations. One happened more than 10 years ago. One happened this year. Yes, he was unfaithful in both instances, but the affairs played out very differently and happened under a different set of circumstances. I am not ignoring the past one because "It goes to show the character of the accused, your honour", but I can also admit that I am a very different person to who I was then (parenthood, if nothing else, has changed both of us). Therefore I must admit that he is also a different person. Clearly he still has the same fundamental character flaw that enabled him to cheat on me the first time, but if he has the strength of character to confront it now, then isn't this the better time to give him a second/third chance?
 
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