Feeling a lot lost - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 04:18 PM Thread Starter
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Feeling a lot lost

My husband has cheated on me … again. I don’t know what to do. Even if I did, I don’t know whether I have the energy to do it. I love him very much. He says that he loves me very much. He wants our marriage to survive this; and is willing to do whatever he can to save it.

The first OW was someone he met online – the relationship started before we were married and then morphed into an EA that he carried on via email for the first year of our marriage until I fell pregnant with our first child. He had told me about a very passionate kiss before we got married (we took a break to rethink things before recommitting ourselves to the relationship), but I only found out the full story later by chance. There were actually secret meetings and phone calls, a ONS (stopping just short of sex) and, even after our marriage, a very emotional and romantic email exchange. When I found out by accident, I was devastated. I told him that I wanted a divorce, he (as non-confrontational as he is) fought back with how sorry he was and how he wasn’t going to let me throw away our relationship and family on something so stupid that he’d done. We went to MC and he went to IC. It was painful, but we grew up and grew together, had another son, and the affair became something of a badge that we had collected as a couple. Our experience together had made us stronger, more real and honest with each other. I can honestly say that I trusted him completely again.

More than ten years later (after I was treated for a major depression that went on for almost two years) I found out that that, for a few months earlier this year, he had another affair. This time, the OW was someone known to me (son’s school friend’s mother). My WH says that he has never had sex with another woman since he met me. He admits to a lot of kissing and hugging, secret meetings, flirtatious texting with this second OW. I found out about the affair when the OWH contacted me on a family holiday. (It had already ended by then – mostly due to OWH’s suspicions.) The OW had apparently come clean and finally confirmed the EA and that there had been “kissing”. My WH first tried to minimise things - a few weeks later he was finally more honest about the extent of what had gone on. He says now that he doesn’t have any real feelings for her at all, that he is deeply ashamed, that he felt “out of control” and “in a fog”. He says that he deeply regrets what he did.

In my calmer moments, I believe him. Sometimes I don’t. Mostly I try not to think about it at all. This second time is much worse. All the forgotten and forgiven hurt from the first betrayal has risen to the surface again. I am sad a lot, then I am angry and bitter a bit. Then I try to function normally - as normally as I can. My husband sits and holds my hands and says that he is so sorry, that he would do anything to save our marriage. He cries about how much he has hurt me, , then he holds me while I cry about how much he has hurt me, and he worries about the impact of his behaviour on our kids. I think he is genuinely remorseful (but then I think – what do I know?). I know that my depression wasn’t easy for him and that he did so much to keep our family functioning and healthy when I was getting well. I don’t know if I can trust him, don’t know if I should trust him. Am I stupid for even thinking of trying? He is a good dad and a good man. I want so badly to believe in him again.

Anyone got any wisdom for me?

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post #2 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 04:31 PM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

Grown, mature, experienced, dry-behind-the-ears, ADULTS do not stop at kissing and petting.

They had full body-on sex. Both of his affairs, they did this.

This is cheater script lies. They try to minimize the "outed" damage. Make it a forgivable offense.

NOT to spare you the details and pain, but to get him off the hook.

Your husbands boundaries were weak before you met him, after you married him.......and are still loose, still weak.

Pack his knap sack with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, toss in a porcupine, a rat and a skunk. Hand it to him and tell him to have a nice life in a place that is not HOME.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #3 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 04:38 PM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

Sorry but cheaters are notorious liars.

Speak with the OW's H at length.

This is the second time. If it were me there wouldn't be a third
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post #4 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 04:46 PM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

There are men that view sex as the most intense bonding experience there can be with their spouse. Your husband is not one of these. He is the other type of man that thinks of sex as a great feeling for them self, but don't really care WHO gives them that feeling.

There are women that look at it the same way. If he took the time to "kiss", they did everything they possibly could together.

There are good men out there, hopefully you can find one.

Sorry you are here.
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post #5 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 04:55 PM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

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Originally Posted by Mizzbak View Post
My husband sits and holds my hands and says that he is so sorry, that he would do anything to save our marriage.

Anyone got any wisdom for me?
Yes. Give him this list. Tell him once he completes it, you will consider giving him a third chance:
He must go to his parents with you and tell them what he's done and apologize.
He must go to your parents with you and tell them what he's done and apologize for hurting you.
He must contact OW's husband and apologize.
He must go back to IC and allow you to come to one session every month or two to get his IC's opinion on what's going on.
He must find a polygraph company and set up an appointment, for which you will set up the questions.
He must go to a lawyer and set up a postnup agreement so that if he cheats again he walks away with nothing.

If he's willing to do those things, you might have a chance.

And fwiw, when a cheater admits to kissing, they had at least made out. When a cheater admits to making out, they really had sex. When they admit to having sex once, they did it multiple times. This is true nearly every single time. So please don't do any of this without him taking a polygraph.
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post #6 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 04:57 PM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

He wants to do all he can to save the marriage.

Except not having sex with other women.

Please. Get tested for STDs.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #7 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 06:53 PM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

He's a serial, which means that it's time to pull the plug and move on. He's already shown you that he's not going to stop cheating -- from here on out, he's just going to get better at hiding it.

Also consider this -- for every affair that you DO know about, there are probably one or two that you've not yet discovered.

Oh and they're also lying -- adults don't meet up "just to kiss". They f*cked. Think about it... why put your marriage and family at risk unless you're going to go all the way?

I'll say it again:

THEY.

ARE.

LYING.

THEY.

F#CKED.

Dump the chump!

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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #8 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 07:24 PM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

If he really valued you, he wouldn't have cheated again. He's a liar, and you can't trust him.

As a mother, I eat stress for breakfast. - Megan Conley

I don't trust words. I even question actions. But I hardly ever doubt patterns.
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post #9 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 09:13 PM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

I like your Avatar..

I think I was a Tom Cat in another life!

Before that, a Saber Tooth Tiger.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #10 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 09:59 PM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

Your post made me cry, and I'm not much of a cryer. My heart breaks for you.

I Agree to him following the steps listed above that include the poly. If he's serious, he will comply and there may be something here to salvage. TAKE. YOUR. TIME.


I'm so sorry you are here, it sounds like we've got two ultimately very nice, but very imperfect people really struggling with problems that seem impossible to solve. I hope you all get lots of help and that a FUTURE reconcile might happen. TAKE. YOUR. TIME.


Ciao,

Spicy
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post #11 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 10:40 PM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

Here is a link for you, not to sweep the problem under the rug, but rather to help yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qng2BBXOMx4

Joyce herself has talked about forgiving, but not leaving yourself open to further hurt.
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post #12 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 11:05 PM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

Your husband is full of BS, he's telling you only what he thinks you need to hear and saying it in a way that you fall for it hook line and sinker.

People who love one another don't do things that will cause devastation to the other person, it's really that simple.

You need to figure out why you are so reluctant to leave this horrible man who will hurt you without any regard for your feelings because he's only interested in satisfying his own selfish urges.

Remember, he only stopped- if he even did- because you caught him. If you didn't he wouldn't have stopped either one of those other times and there's a good chance there's even more women he was with that you don't even know about because if you didn't catch him, he had no reason to admit it to you.
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post #13 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-11-2016, 02:23 AM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Yes. Give him this list. Tell him once he completes it, you will consider giving him a third chance:
He must go to his parents with you and tell them what he's done and apologize.
He must go to your parents with you and tell them what he's done and apologize for hurting you.
He must contact OW's husband and apologize.
He must go back to IC and allow you to come to one session every month or two to get his IC's opinion on what's going on.
He must find a polygraph company and set up an appointment, for which you will set up the questions.
He must go to a lawyer and set up a postnup agreement so that if he cheats again he walks away with nothing.

If he's willing to do those things, you might have a chance.

And fwiw, when a cheater admits to kissing, they had at least made out. When a cheater admits to making out, they really had sex. When they admit to having sex once, they did it multiple times. This is true nearly every single time. So please don't do any of this without him taking a polygraph.
THIS! He got away with it to all intents and purposes and thinks not that you have a family, he will again. You do not have to make any decisions with regard to this WH. See how far he is actually able to go to save the marriage, but give him no free passes. If he is not willing to do all the things listed above, then you know your answer. You do not want to wake up in another 10-15 years with a man you despise, believe me this could happen when it is just you and him and no kids.
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post #14 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-11-2016, 02:58 AM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

turnera's list is a very good starting point. I want to say 'just dump him', but I know it's hard, especially with the depression. You may think, if only I wasn't depressed maybe this wouldn't have happened... but never forget, it's NOT your fault!

And I think he's majorly lying. They totally fvcked. Get together with the OWH and see if your stories line up!
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post #15 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-11-2016, 03:35 AM
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Re: Feeling a lot lost

A prostitute will f... but they don't [normally] kiss - to intimate.

No saying he went all the way but he was definitely being intimate outside the marriage, and it wasn't him who came clean.
Your call if he's the person you still want in your life, or are things in a state where you could enjoy freedom from worrying about a wandering partner?
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