Weak in the sense there is a mismatch between what I think I have to do and what I actually do. If anyone came up with this to me for advice, I would've thought they would be crazy to not drop her like a hot potato. Yet here I am.
That's because you've been emotionally vested in her for so many years that it is hard to simply drop her. Intellectually you can make the leap to divorce but emotionally, it will be some time.
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The doc diagnosed her with phobia-induced panic attacks, the treatment is a particular class of anti-depressants. They seem to work, although there are side effects.
If one of those side effects is a low or non-existent sex drive then so much the better.
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I'm not sure there is a point living together if we go for D. Sounds like prolonging the agony. When I came out with divorce, she asked if I'd still help her with fixing furniture, computer, broadband etc in the beginning. If we maybe could stay intimate for a while. I felt it sounded too much like a marriage, that's the sort of thing a husband does.
You're right of course but helping her every so often, just might benefit your son as well.
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Sindo, I have been thinking about it a lot. We agreed for a civil divorce back then, I wouldn't have let the mother of my child live under the bridge. One part of me hopes it really is remorse, the other doubts if it's just her insecurity about the future.
Your emotional recovery should be your primary concern before any possible marital recovery. Your wife is being taken care of so she can recover but you are on your own and so you need some emotional detachment from her to achieve it.
Snap is a man with good heart, shame his weak side allows him to stay with such a manipulative person.
I don't think that's particularly fair to say, bro. It's easy to read, evalauate, and comment on other people's problems when they're laid out in black pixels on a message board. What you can't feel is the amount of love they felt/still feel for the person, no matter what they put them through.
Snap, you're not weak; in fact, you've done things that I think many people on this board didn't have the sack to do - and I've read hundreds of threads on this forum.
That being said, Snap, your story is among the most gut-wrenching I've read. The recordings and MIL's compllicity make it all the more egregious. More than once I felt myself clenching my teeth reading your posts.
All I can say is do what's best for you and your child. If that means R, go for it.
But if you can see your way clear to drop your wife and maintain a good life for you and your kid, all the better!
By the way, if you can get away with it, deliver a MMA elbow to your MIL's face. I'd pay good money to see that happen! (jk, but not really )
Please give us an update soon. We're all rooting for you!
Over these weeks I realized that there is no way for me to find out if the remorse is genuine. People can act and fake anything. If I want to give it another shot, I'd have to trust a person I shouldn't trust.
At this point I can imagine my future without her, but still I decided to give R a try. This might be a weak move, and if the situation repeats again there will be noone but me to blame, but it's my conscious choice. I understand this is irrational, recognize the risk involved and prepared to face the consequences (as much as one can be prepared for that).
Meatpuppet, thanks for the support. I still love her, yes, the whole exercise would've been pointless if I didn't.
Mori, the ADs did affect her libido, but can't say sex life has suffered; she still initiates sex a few times a week. The other side-effects are nausea, and occasionally she has tactile hallucinactions: sensations of raindrops or crawling on the skin. This drives her crazy, but she apparently can't switch to another class of drugs as these seem to treat her panic issues well.
I do not lash out on her in this initial period of recovery, but she can't ignore my mood swings. Last night she broke down, unprompted. Sobbing, apologizing, saying how sorry she is for what she done and how selfish she was for putting me to the risk of STDs. She is hugging me all the time; when I wake up, I invariably find her cuddling to me. She cooks dinners and took on more than her share of house chores, despite that I made it clear I have no desire to "punish" her with housework or anything else.
I am much better emotionally that I was a month ago. Able to function normally, slowly getting back to my pre D-day work performance, things that were neglected this autumn are getting done. Still triggering every day, but they don't send me as deep down as before.
Better start applying yourself at work. Thus far, the only thing you have established in your life is that you are a excellent meal ticket.
I served similarly for twenty years with the only difference being my ex didn't display all the lying. Just indifference.
Re-read your original post, heck, the entire thread. Your WW is a fantastic actress, you even got the grovelling at your feet and the shaking, all the while she continued to bang OM, demonize you to him and your MIL. Now its all good because she hugs and cuddles you. You've seen and HEARD her at her worst. I don't know. But don't be surprised in the future when perhaps next time she will leave with the next OM.
Less than a month ago you were sure. Your DDay wasnt that long ago, and I believe you're in the downward dip of the emotional roller coaster where you feel you want R. Don't be surprised when you feel later on that the very sight of her repels you and you want D.
Re-read your original post, heck, the entire thread. Your WW is a fantastic actress, you even got the grovelling at your feet and the shaking, all the while she continued to bang OM, demonize you to him and your MIL. Now its all good because she hugs and cuddles you. You've seen and HEARD her at her worst. I don't know. But don't be surprised in the future when perhaps next time she will leave with the next OM.
lordmayhem, it's a good summary, thanks for reminding. She seems to be in the left column, but obviously I can't be sure of anything.
Am I sure her remorse is genuine? Nope, I can't be certain of anything now. I don't trust her. And although so far NC seems to be in place, she apoligizes, and I can't catch her at any lies, I can't read her mind.
Warlock, is there EVER a right reason for R at all? If you think logically? I don't think so.
You might want to restructure you're financial life to be ready if she does it again. What I mean is have you eggs lined up and ready, and keep them ready.
As for the house work etc - Do not do anything to stop her. She actually needs to step up and work hard - if nothing else it will keep her tired.
You know that MIL played supportive role in my wife's affair. She has formally apologized in December, but I don't believe in her sincerity for a minute. I don't communicate with her at all ever since.
I made it clear that am not going to tolerate MIL in my home anymore. We live abroad though, so aside from very infrequent trips to our homeland there are not many opportunities for my wife and her mother to meet in person.
What I want is a reality check from non-involved people. Do I overreact? It's not just a case of toxic friend, the b*tch is her mother. Should I allow her in?
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Re: To D or not to D? 
(jk, but not really 
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