The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?
I don't think I've ever seen this subject brought up here, or in any of the other infidelity support forums.
My observation is this: There appears to be a huge disparity between the way betrayed husbands describe their wayward wives, and the way betrayed wives describe their wayward husbands.
This is what I mean: The vast majority of the time, when a betrayed husband first posts in this forum, he describes his cheating wife in a very complimentary way. The BH usually describes the WW as very sexy, incredibly beautiful, a great mother, etc, etc, and how he's still madly in love with her. So does that mean that the only women who cheat are the hot ones?
On the other hand, when a betrayed wife first posts in the forum, she more often than not, describes her wayward husband like it is. The BW is usually not likely to describe her WH in glowing terms. I don't think I've seen a BW describe her husband as a very handsome man, a sexy man, a great father, etc. If someone has, I must have missed it.
It's interesting that there's such a disparity here.
Forgot to add: The question applies to your STBXW/STBXH or Ex if you have one or on the road to D.
Re: The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?
I read a book on this, by a woman private investigator from Austrailia, specializing in infidelity. She did not break this down among gender lies, however. But, this is paraphasing what she said:
As part of her initial investigation, she would ask the suspecting spouse to describe his or her mate. Invariably, the suspected cheater was described as bing very physically attractive
Then she would either get a phot or eyeball the suspect whule surveilling. She would be shocked at the discrepancy between the suspect's actual appearance and the glowing terms his spouse had described. Many times the suspect was quite ugly or, at best, average.
She theorized that a betrayed spouse's perceptions are often skewed because of the trauma and the dpeletion of self esteem associated with being betrayed, such that the cheater is elevated in his or her eyes.Also, the cheater is being pursued by two people, the affair partner and the spouse, so the spouse feels the guy or gal must be nore attractive than the betrayed.
I know , in my situation, initially, I would tell folks how good looking my cheating wife is. I am not sure if they were just being nice, but most folks claimed they felt Iwas better looking. I did not see this, though.
Re: The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arnold
I read a book on this, by a woman private investigator from Austrailia, specializing in infidelity. She did not break this down among gender lies, however. But, this is paraphasing what she said:
As part of her initial investigation, she would ask the suspecting spouse to describe his or her mate. Invariably, the suspected cheater was described as bing very physically attractive
Then she would either get a phot or eyeball the suspect whule surveilling. She would be shocked at the discrepancy between the suspect's actual appearance and the glowing terms his spouse had described. Many times the suspect was quite ugly or, at best, average.
She theorized that a betrayed spouse's perceptions are often skewed because of the trauma and the dpeletion of self esteem associated with being betrayed, such that the cheater is elevated in his or her eyes.Also, the cheater is being pursued by two people, the affair partner and the spouse, so the spouse feels the guy or gal must be nore attractive than the betrayed.
I know , in my situation, initially, I would tell folks how good looking my cheating wife is. I am not sure if they were just being nice, but most folks claimed they felt Iwas better looking. I did not see this, though.
I would just say that you don't generally consider the person you're in love with average or ugly. So I don't think much can be gained from her research.
As for the diffence between Men and women's reaction. I think a couple of things are at play. Men generally put their woman up on a pedestal. When they're hit with knowledge that their wife was blowing a guy in the walmart parking lot they get conflicted between this and the vision they've had
of them. Women are told early that men are out for one thing, thing with their small head, etc. When a man actually thinks with his small head it's easier togo back to that teaching.
Re: The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kobo
I would just say that you don't generally consider the person you're in love with average or ugly. So I don't think much can be gained from her research.
As for the diffence between Men and women's reaction. I think a couple of things are at play. Men generally put their woman up on a pedestal. When they're hit with knowledge that their wife was blowing a guy in the walmart parking lot they get conflicted between this and the vision they've had
of them. Women are told early that men are out for one thing, thing with their small head, etc. When a man actually thinks with his small head it's easier togo back to that teaching.
That cultural saw may make it easier for a man to cheat because he thinks that is the way he is supposed to behave; my H told me that he thought of Tony Soprano and his having mistresses, and that made him feel better about cheating on me. I don't think that most women believe their H would ever behave that way. I know that I didn't. I think they generally put their husbands on a pedestal too; maybe more than men do. Women are far more personality oriented than men are. That's why you see so many foxy women with short, fat, bald etc., men who aren't rolling in dough. Men tend to go for looks, sometimes to the exclusion of character or personality . Women tend to regard their H's as their best friends; and best friends don't betray you. I would have bet my life on my H's fidelity, It took a long time for it to sink in; and when it did I realized that he had put our marriage on the line for a roll in the hay with someone young enough to be his daughter. I knew that an A would not have been possible with someone who was the same age as his wife, and it destroyed my respect for him. I didn't think that my H was that f***ing shallow; and it's not that I am unattractive either. Needless to say, I don't regard him as my best friend anymore. He doesn't seem to think that what he got from her, was worth what he threw away. If anything his says can be believed anymore.
Re: The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?
I voted "average" Now, there was a time where I would have said that my H was the sexiest beast out there. Today, I don't see him with the same eyes I used to see him. Today, he is simply average. He's not an ugly person looks-wise (he is however, very ugly, in his actions). I also think a person's attraction level is very dependent on the type of person they are. I was initially attracted to my exH in the beginning because he was so charming. In the beginning, he made me feel so special. Unfortunately, that was all a lie. In reality, he was (and is) a very ugly person on the inside. He's a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, and an abuser. I am now seeing a new guy. At first, I was not the least bit attracted to this guy. He is not what I am typically attracted to in the looks department, but we've developed a friendship over the past few months, and he has a fantastic personality. He makes me laugh and he is so easy to talk to. Since getting to know him on a personal level, I have found myself becoming attracted to him and I am now finding him "cute" where I didn't before.
Even though a person's level of attractiveness depends a lot on their personality, we can often over-look their flaws because we are so attracted to them. There was a time when I wanted my H so bad, that I let him sh*t on me over and over again. I refused to believe that he could actually be so evil, and I at one time even reasoned with myself that he must be possessed by a demon. We make excuses for their behavior because we no longer recognize them, and surely something must be wrong with them. There has to be some explanation for what they did other than them being scheming butt-weasels.
And, what did I lack that my ex was more drawn to other women than to me? I am most definitely more attractive than the women he was cheating on me with. But, did I fail him somewhere where his level of attraction for me was lost? I'll probably never know what drove him to cheat, time and time again.
Re: The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?
Quote:
Originally Posted by oaksthorne
That cultural saw may make it easier for a man to cheat because he thinks that is the way he is supposed to behave; my H told me that he thought of Tony Soprano and his having mistresses, and that made him feel better about cheating on me. I don't think that most women believe their H would ever behave that way. I know that I didn't. I think they generally put their husbands on a pedestal too; maybe more than men do. Women are far more personality oriented than men are. That's why you see so many foxy women with short, fat, bald etc., men who aren't rolling in dough. Men tend to go for looks, sometimes to the exclusion of character or personality . Women tend to regard their H's as their best friends; and best friends don't betray you. I would have bet my life on my H's fidelity, It took a long time for it to sink in; and when it did I realized that he had put our marriage on the line for a roll in the hay with someone young enough to be his daughter. I knew that an A would not have been possible with someone who was the same age as his wife, and it destroyed my respect for him. I didn't think that my H was that f***ing shallow; and it's not that I am unattractive either. Needless to say, I don't regard him as my best friend anymore. He doesn't seem to think that what he got from her, was worth what he threw away. If anything his says can be believed anymore.
If this was entirely true, then men would be cheating more than women. I think it is pretty well established that women cheat as much, if not more than men.
As for women with bald , fat guy's, most of those guys have fat wallets.
Re: The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?
I think my hubby is sexy, when in reality, he a bit on the "dorky" side. Okay a lot. LoL honestly, I don't think his prospects of being unfaithful are likely, unless he develops a friendship, like he did with me. He makes less money than I do, and while not fat or bald, he is short (5'6") and thin (118 lbs). And the longer I know him, the less personable he seems... I don't mean that as an insult, but it just goes to show you can't lump all men with men and women with women. Each person is different. Anyhow, back to the topic at hand, neither of us has been physically unfaithful to the other, that I know of, so I can't address anything from that viewpoint. In past relationships I didn't have much time to observe the unfaithful ones "before" and "after" appearances, as they were out the door fairly immediately... Posted via Mobile Device
Re: The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?
My ex has aged alot or I am seeing him for the first time. I don't know. Some people have said he looks like a frog.
It was never his looks, it was his huge charm and personality and intelligence.
But that, also, hid some very major shortcomings: disloyalty and the inability to communicate. Fight or flight? He was flight and told me so. He runs away from challenges.
It really is too bad because we had loved each other very much but he had a big inferiority complex that I wasn't aware of. It wouldn't have mattered I would have worked with him but he couldn't handle my strength of character. He said I emasculated him (when I removed my attention and focused on myself for a change). I had adored him.
Re: The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparkles422
My ex has aged alot or I am seeing him for the first time. I don't know. Some people have said he looks like a frog.
It was never his looks, it was his huge charm and personality and intelligence.
But that, also, hid some very major shortcomings: disloyalty and the inability to communicate. Fight or flight? He was flight and told me so. He runs away from challenges.
It really is too bad because we had loved each other very much but he had a big inferiority complex that I wasn't aware of. It wouldn't have mattered I would have worked with him but he couldn't handle my strength of character. He said I emasculated him (when I removed my attention and focused on myself for a change). I had adored him.
lol...my ex has been described as "frog like" too.
I think he is pretty good looking...maybe frogs are my type. :P
Re: The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?
With the exception of one wayward husband who could universally be described as very attractive, most of my friends' spouses who cheated are all average looking. None of them would turn heads. They're not ugly but at best they're a 5 or 6 on a scale of 1-10. But as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Re: The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?
UH Oh. Then you havent read my posts. My H is very attractive. I have commented a few times that perhaps I should have married an unattractive ogre-maybe he'd have been more faithful. He is the epitomy of tall, dark and handsome. With a sexy crooked smile and big deep voice. Very hot.
However, I suppose I should have read the note at the bottom that said this question applies to stbxh's. We are R'ing. Oh well.
Re: The Difference Between Betrayed Husbands and Betrayed Wives?
STBXH was very attractive to me, that is until he revealed the cheater/liar/disloyal person he is now.
Looking at pics from DS's wedding last fall, everyone has remarked how good I look compared to the mess H has become. It's obvious TW can't put clothes together as evidenced by the crappy looking ensemble he wore that day, wrinkles and all.
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