Was What I Did Really That Bad? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 06:26 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
What makes you think he cared enough to even read it?

He's only on here to shut her up. Seems fairly obvious....


Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlieParker View Post
Her thread is in Private, so unless she showed it to him (don't recall either way) he couldn't see it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceegee View Post
Starting your thread here a month after your wife wrote the above and titleing it "Was What I Did Really That Bad" shows a complete lack of awareness.



How do you feel when you read what she wrote?



Did you think that you could come here and post your story to get sympathy so your wife would soften?



She feels like you do not love her because of your actions. Your words are not going to change that.


OP was asked by his wife to come here to learn.

He came. He gets points for that.

He told some really heavy stuff, eye rolling stuff. He gets points for that.

He responded to most of replies. He gets points for that too.

Even if he never "gets it" it is important to W that he at least makes a real effort to try to understand.

Good job for day 1 MrHB50.

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post #77 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 06:35 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

Please don't drag his wife's posts from the private section to here. They are in 'private' for a reason.
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post #78 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 06:41 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
OP was asked by his wife to come here to learn.

He came. He gets points for that.

He told some really heavy stuff, eye rolling stuff. He gets points for that.

He responded to most of replies. He gets points for that too.

Even if he never "gets it" it is important to W that he at least makes a real effort to try to understand.

Good job for day 1 MrHB50.


I do agree with what @blueinbr said, except I'd like to point out one thing. We are not "keeping score" here so the concept of getting points really isn't as accurate.

I think @blueinbr 's intent was that we recognize @MrHB50 's effort and that we acknowledge the attempt. That is to say, at this early stage we would not expect to see completely fog-free thinking nor attaining the goal of "reconciling." We would expect some struggle to understand, some resistance, and some puffs of fog here and there--but for people who have a chance, we'd also expect to see some courage, some honesty when it's difficult to be honest, some determination even though it's hard, and some movement in a positive way (toward mental health and growth vs. toward minimizing and defending the affair).

I think we're seeing that. I think @MrHB50 has a really good chance of working through this and coming out a better man. It's within the realm of conceive-ability. Now let's see if we can take another step forward!

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post #79 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 07:12 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Please don't drag his wife's posts from the private section to here. They are in 'private' for a reason.
Did someone do that? I did not see any.

OP needs 30 posts. Then he can read the private. Or he can ask his wife.
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post #80 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 07:27 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
Did someone do that? I did not see any.

OP needs 30 posts. Then he can read the private. Or he can ask his wife.
Post #68.
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post #81 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 07:50 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

My bad.

I didn't realize.

Will delete.


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post #82 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 07:51 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
Did someone do that? I did not see any.



OP needs 30 posts. Then he can read the private. Or he can ask his wife.


Thanks for pointing out btw.


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post #83 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 08:09 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrHB50 View Post
@Openminded - In our case it would not be suitable for us to separate as we wouldn't be able to work on our marriage as effectively that way. It's almost as if "out of sight, out of mind", not to mention the boundaries set or not set. If she's upset enough to separate, what's to stop her from seeking companionship or more with another man? I appreciate my wife working hard to help rebuild our relationship. I just wish I could go back in time and undo what I have done. At this point all I can do is step up like you said. I understand this betrayal takes time to recover from. I do appreciate that she is willing to take the time, no matter how long it takes, to help me make amends.
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@See_Listen_Love - I agree that I need to be changing my way of thinking to make her feel at ease that I will never do this again.
There were no pictures sent between me and OW. Our texts were graphically descriptive depictions of what we imagined doing to one another.
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@MattMatt - No, I have never done this before and believe me I will never do it again!!!!
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@Catherine602 - I did not talk about my wife with the OW as I never told her I was married. I agree with the rest of what you have to say. My wife has done nothing but give me unconditional love for the past 25 years, and I threw it all away for nothing. It makes me want to throw up when I think about it. I wish I gave it this much thought before I did what I did. I need to give my wife the same unconditional love for the rest of my natural life. Even though I know it's not really about me, it does pain me to see my wife hurting from this. I know she is justified in being upset. I took what I had for granted for nothing. The whole idea of this makes me feel empty inside for putting her through this.
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*@citygirl4344 - I never thought about her trust as a gift. It was just always there. It wasn't my intent to squander her trust. I was just thinking of myself and I should have stopped to take my wife's feelings into consideration and I definitely would have stopped myself. I don't know if I would say that I am skating over everything and doing the bare minimum, but I am stepping up my game and that will be for my wife to decide. My wife and I both agree that we have an open line of communication that will keep us out of limbo. I appreciate that you not advising her to leave me. I do love my wife and I only want to work on our marriage so we can be happy again.
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@blueinbr - No, I did not fantasize about OW. The fact that she was in Wyoming made me feel safe that nothing would ever happen. I had no picture of her so no image in my mind to think of.
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@PhillyGuy13 - you are right. I only think it would be easier for me because I avoid conflict. But it would probably eat me up inside if she did what I did.
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@Satya - I'm sorry if my posts come off as callous or unfeeling. I'm not trying to minimize what I did but I'm not always good at expressing myself. You are right that I need to be able to put myself in her shoes and understand what she's dealing with instead of what I think she should be dealing with. Before all this, our bond was very strong. If you've read our story you would understand but I have come to understand that what I did has shaken our bond to the core.
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@Pluto2 - having sex with my wife was not a solution, nor did I think everything was fixed because of that. Lying next to her in bed and making love for that moment gave me a sense of normalcy. I think I was also trying to show her that I still love her, find her attractive, and sexually exciting. I don't want anyone else. She made me understand that this is all about love and respect and at that time I just wasn't getting it. You're right. It's not her job to make it easy on me. Afterall, I've made it hard on her.
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@She'sStillGotIt - tell me how you really feel LOL. Yes, my wife does work her fingers to the bone and she does give 110%, but I wouldn't say she doesn't get anything in return. I do try to do my part to help make a nice life for all of us. After reading all of these replies, I can see the bigger picture now and how my actions were disrespectful to her and how ungrateful I was. That was not my intent but I can see it for what it is now.
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@silex - making this worse is the last thing I want to do.
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@straightshooter - Thank you. I think what you say is direct and to the point. All cheating is wrong because of how it hurts the spouse. But if a wife who bangs 8 guys can reconcile that gives me hope.
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@BetrayedDad - cancer or no cancer I would not be on my way to Wyoming. I made no attempt to get to know OW so there wouldn't be any emotional attachment on my part. My wife does deserve better and I will be that man from now on.
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@Blondilocks - Yes, flirting is not ok for married men, and what I did was worse than flirting.
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@turnera - Yes. I see that. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I just want to ease her pain.
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@GuyInColorado - thank you for your comments. You are right that this is the best it will ever get, but I am ok with that because I have it pretty good. I will love her with everything I've got.
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@mistakesweremade - Yes...ditto. thank you.
You are saying all of the right things but are you living them? Your actions seem to indicate that you don't take what you did seriously enough to suit the deep hurt you caused. The title of your thread says that.

In reality, your wife's pain has effected you only because you are not getting all of the free goodies she gives so freely. I doubt you would get impatient, demanding and entitled if you were.

If your friends and family knew what you did, what would they think of you? Betraying a kind and good wife and then afterwards ignoring her pain, would not make you a man worthy of respect.

My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink

Last edited by Catherine602; 09-13-2016 at 11:19 PM.
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post #84 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 08:17 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

OP is a cake eater.

(Some of you will get it. )
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post #85 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 08:24 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceegee View Post
My bad.

I didn't realize.

Will delete.


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No worries. I dealt with it for you.


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post #86 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 08:26 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
OP is a cake eater.

(Some of you will get it. )
Oh, yes. He is like...


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post #87 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 08:44 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
OP is a cake eater.

(Some of you will get it. )
Polite laughter.
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post #88 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 09:48 PM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

If you playfully pushed your wife into a pool and suddenly she was drowning.....taking on water.....struggling to break the surface to keep herself alive......would you jump in and save her? Or would you throw her a floatie and hope she caught it?

If you jumped in to save her and you had to give her cpr to revive her, while hoping and praying that she lived - would you look at her and said "oh yeah, you almost drowned, but I didn't MEAN for THAT to happen, so what I did wasn't that bad!" Or would you hold her in your arms and apologize profusely for your mistake of not meaning to hurt her but instead severely hurting her and her almost dying?

That's what you did OP. You weren't thinking and you pushed her in the water. As she's choking on her tears, you're trying to throw her a floatie, hoping that's enough to save her life. And you're laughing at her saying "oh just buck up, I didn't MEAN to almost kill you, get over it!"

You're letting her drown, at your hand.
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post #89 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 12:35 AM
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
OP was asked by his wife to come here to learn.

He came. He gets points for that.

He told some really heavy stuff, eye rolling stuff. He gets points for that.

He responded to most of replies. He gets points for that too.

Even if he never "gets it" it is important to W that he at least makes a real effort to try to understand.

Good job for day 1 MrHB50.
I agree with this. The OP and his wife are here asking for support and help. So let's be careful about the 2x4's. They cause a lot of bruising and make healing a lot harder.
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post #90 of 248 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 01:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Was What I Did Really That Bad?

@silex- Thanks for the advice. In the beginning I was trying to minimize hoping this would go away but you are right all this did was make W more upset. I wasnít getting it. With all these new posts Iíve been reading the only sensible thing to do is own it and do what I can to make things right.

@NobodySpecial - First of all I do have a Therapist, and second when you piece all of the passages together like that, it makes me want to throw up too. I am truly here trying to work on myself and the only way to really do that is to put it all out there, I could gloss over the really uncomfortable parts but then I wouldnít really be accomplishing anything. I really donít want to do this ever again!!!

@uhtred - Youíre right my wife does have the right to leave but after 20 years of marriage I am thankful she is willing to work with me, just as we have done through all of our hardships- the kids illnesses, bankruptcy, foreclosure, and my stage 4 colon cancer. We have to at least give it a shot, we are worth that. I have never stopped loving my wife.

@Blondilocks- I am sleeping on the couch in the living room, she reminds me everyday what I did, walking around in a funk, crying or red-faced and an unhappy look on her face. I created that, me alone, isnít that punishment that I canít do anything to change it. I say I am sorry over and over but it just seems to make her madder, I help more around the house and sheíll say why are you not trying to make things better.

@MattMatt- Agreed

@nolight - Thank you for your post - it seems as if youíre a bit angry and Iím not sure if you had a partner who did this same to you, but I believe every relationship is different and unique and cannot just be chalked up to one simple answer- divorce. If both partners in a marriage want to work to make things better, it is their right to do so, that is why Iím here I am hoping to become a better husband and man. I donít understand why you think I have a low sympathy for my wife. I can see she is truly hurt by what I did and Iím trying to make things right as best I can, with the help from all of you.

@CantePe - I am truly sorry for what your going through, I have seen first hand the impact it has had on my W so again I say sorry. My question to you, is this the first and only time your WH did this to you? Is there even a shred of happiness youíve found in this marriage that might find you forgiving him? Hopefully you can, I am here working on my marriage because I do love my wife and I regret what I did. I am not interested in anybody else and I donít want to throw away 20 years of marriage. Why did you stay for 7 years, if your husband is truly looking for something or someone else, why wouldnít you just let him go, so you could move on and find happiness?

@turnera - I do alot within the house. W has her business in our house so we are here 24/7 we occasionally go on a date night or do errands outside the house but other than that we are home, my 3 boys go to school, I drive them back and forth daily, I take care of all meals or order in on occasion, I take care of the finances, I clean the house (well I try, not always the best job) but generally it functions. Now, I am doing the same, but just trying to step up my game and do more and better.
I believe I understand my wife fairly well after 20 years of marriage, we all say things we donít mean in a fit of rage, for which I donít blame her. This is my mess, I need to clean it up the best way I can, and be sure that my W is comfortable moving forward the best that she knows how. For now I am working on myself and giving her the space she needs to be able to get past this or not.

@LifesTooShort - I definitely find what I did as wrong, my W does not deserve to be treated this way and you can be sure I will never do this to her again. I keep trying to apologize but it just reminds her of what I did and she gets more upset. It sounds terrible when I see it written. Hard to believe thatís what I did.

@Affaircare- Thank You for the sane advice. I feel like you are giving me advice that I can take and use to let my wife know how much I appreciate and adore her. I understand my past actions do not convey this at all, in fact, I did everything I could to destroy what I have. If my wife does find it in her heart to forgive me, I will never ever again take it for granted. And yes, it does make sense!!!! Again thank you for the acknowledgment, but what I did is terrible and my thanks will be when I have my wife back and we are moving forward together towards a better life than the one we had before D-Day.

@blueinbr - Thatís a tough one, best not to go there!!!

@blueinbr- I am trying to be truthful and open, so as to never have the desire to do this again, there are many other coping skills I can use that donít involve cheating on my wife or destroying my marriage. Thanks again for seeing that I am trying not just for her but for myself as well.

@CantePe - Coming forward with the whole truth means I have nothing else to hide. I would never want my wife to be blindsided by this ever again, Iíve done enough of that already.

@Ceegee - Trust me I was aware of everything right from D-Day to today I heard every word of what you had posted first hand several times and my W even asked me to read her thread the first time she sent it. Donít worry I get it, I have heard from many others on this site that what I did was cheating. Growing up I always thought cheating was the physical act of sex happening between a man and woman against the others spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. I was questioning the fact that I never had sexual intercourse so how could it be cheating. Now I understand!!!!

@BetrayedDad- I really am trying to work thru this, I am not interested in doing this again. My wife really is an amazing woman if you were to meet her and she did not deserve any of my crap. Thanks for saying what I would have said about the Patriots. No need to be so bitter, again I not only read her first thread, I heard all of it on D-Day and a few days after that.


@TaDor - Agreed, It is that bad!!!


@CharlieParker- Yes she let me read her first thread and I saw first hand when she was crying and feeling broken-hearted

@Idyit - What you described is what I want to do. Reconciling what I did, and paying back in spades to my wife before I go.

@Catherine602 - W wanted me to tell my sister what I did, so I told her, I thought she would have been harder on me, but thatís why Iím here to hold nothing back, to lay all of it out on the table and to get the harshest feedback to learn and grow from.

@LosingHim- Iím jumpin in!
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