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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-20-2011, 11:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Support or 180

ok, wife had EA affair of about a fortnight just turned physical (kissing) when I caught them. This was 21 days ago. Then I demanded NC and she lied for two weeks whilst still in contact with him. She went through the motions of transparency but was hiding the phone calls.

However, it all turned up on the phone bills. Endless calls and texting. No physical meeting - I know because of the distance.

I packed my bags and left her hysterical screaming and begging me to come back. This was 5 days ago. I went back the next day, and agreed to stay on these conditions

1. Absolutely no contact ever.
2. She call him immediately on speakerphone with me present and tell him good by and don't stop calling.
3. She call her own mother and tell her shed been lying about ending the affair.
4. I have absolute 100% transparency of phones, emails, FB, banks, everything.
5. Complete story from start to finish
6. Couples counselling

she agreed to all conditions immediately. She has committed to the marriage but says something is holding her back. I KNOW she is not in contact with him, because we've pretty much been together 24/7, but equally I know she "loves" him and misses him. She is happy to talk about this with me, but worries it upsets me, which obviously it does. She is happy to give me any details, and spends quite a bit of time reassuring me. She makes herself very available by phone.

But.

As I said, something is holding her back. She is quite affectionate (although without pasion), and holds me closely all night. She calls and texts me - but not at a frequency I need for reassurance. We have spent quite a bit of time together and have laughed and cried together. She says she is trying to get over him but that feelings do not go away overnight. She is happy to agree to anything I suggest but not being proactive. Its like something is stopping her from throwing herself into fixing the marriage. When I ask, she says she does not know whats stoping her, but it might be that she thinks I am going to leave anyway. Presumably this is her grief for the lost lover, whom she admits she misses. she is also upset at what she has done and the ramifications, because all our friends and family know and they all have told her to sort her life out and stop hurting people. I am very paranoid and hyper alert - because in both cases I have caught her, rather than her coming to a "it's over" decision on her ow, which hugely devalues it. Don't get me wrong - she's showing true remorse, and is trying to do lots of little things to show she cares - wearing my clothes, stroking my face, kissing me etc, and day by day she seems to be making more time for us to do things together without her work interfering so I can see she is beginning to prioritise us, but , and maybe this is just me, I'm looking for the huge reasuring signals. Booking days in the calendar for us to do stuff, initiating conversations, I don't know, just big , bold, obvious "I'm committed to fixing my marriage whatever it takes" signals.

So - some websites suggest this sort of state is natural for her, and I should do the decent thing and support her through it, showing her what a caring and loving man I am so that she gets over her depression and fear and we begin to work together. Other sites say I should just tell her to commit 100% to the marriage immediately or I walk away with the 180. I love my wife, and I don't want to lose her . I believe she does love me, and I believe the affair is over, although she is clearly going through withdrawal. The end result I want is for my wife and I to rebuild our marriage - together.

Last edited by HusbandInPain; 11-20-2011 at 11:51 AM.
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Old 11-20-2011, 12:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Support or 180

If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been?
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Old 11-20-2011, 12:03 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Support or 180

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If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been?
Who knows. What's your point?
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Old 11-20-2011, 01:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Support or 180

She is in the fog.
You need to 180 anyway. It's good that you understand the process she's going through, but don't be the doormat. Take care of yourself, 180 and that should help blow some of that fog away.
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Old 11-20-2011, 02:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Support or 180

You set down solid rules for her and she has agreed. As long as she follows these rules and shows remorse, there is nothing more you can expect from her. She is in a fog and is honest enough with you to be telling you what you do not want to hear. She cannot change the way she feels overnight. When you decided to give her a second chance you knew that was part of the deal.

I say support her efforts but watch her closely. The 180 would serve no purpose here if your goal is to save your marriage. There are many on this site that would love to have heard their spouse beg them for another chance. Your wife did that which means that there may still be something in your marriage worth saving.

BTW: I just read some of your earlier posts and you are misleading when you call this just an EA with kissing. You only caught them kissing but the night that they "ended up arm in arm, holding hands etc, and then spending the night in the same room" certainly involved more than kissing. If her openness and your forgiveness does not involve addressing this part, all bets are off.

Last edited by TRy; 11-20-2011 at 02:21 PM.
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Old 11-20-2011, 09:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Support or 180

Quote:
Originally Posted by HusbandInPain View Post
ok, wife had EA affair of about a fortnight just turned physical (kissing) when I caught them. This was 21 days ago. Then I demanded NC and she lied for two weeks whilst still in contact with him. She went through the motions of transparency but was hiding the phone calls.

However, it all turned up on the phone bills. Endless calls and texting. No physical meeting - I know because of the distance.

I packed my bags and left her hysterical screaming and begging me to come back. This was 5 days ago. I went back the next day, and agreed to stay on these conditions

1. Absolutely no contact ever.
2. She call him immediately on speakerphone with me present and tell him good by and don't stop calling.
3. She call her own mother and tell her shed been lying about ending the affair.
4. I have absolute 100% transparency of phones, emails, FB, banks, everything.
5. Complete story from start to finish
6. Couples counselling

she agreed to all conditions immediately. She has committed to the marriage but says something is holding her back. I KNOW she is not in contact with him, because we've pretty much been together 24/7, but equally I know she "loves" him and misses him. She is happy to talk about this with me, but worries it upsets me, which obviously it does. She is happy to give me any details, and spends quite a bit of time reassuring me. She makes herself very available by phone.

But.

As I said, something is holding her back. She is quite affectionate (although without pasion), and holds me closely all night. She calls and texts me - but not at a frequency I need for reassurance. We have spent quite a bit of time together and have laughed and cried together. She says she is trying to get over him but that feelings do not go away overnight. She is happy to agree to anything I suggest but not being proactive. Its like something is stopping her from throwing herself into fixing the marriage. When I ask, she says she does not know whats stoping her, but it might be that she thinks I am going to leave anyway. Presumably this is her grief for the lost lover, whom she admits she misses. she is also upset at what she has done and the ramifications, because all our friends and family know and they all have told her to sort her life out and stop hurting people. I am very paranoid and hyper alert - because in both cases I have caught her, rather than her coming to a "it's over" decision on her ow, which hugely devalues it. Don't get me wrong - she's showing true remorse, and is trying to do lots of little things to show she cares - wearing my clothes, stroking my face, kissing me etc, and day by day she seems to be making more time for us to do things together without her work interfering so I can see she is beginning to prioritise us, but , and maybe this is just me, I'm looking for the huge reasuring signals. Booking days in the calendar for us to do stuff, initiating conversations, I don't know, just big , bold, obvious "I'm committed to fixing my marriage whatever it takes" signals.

So - some websites suggest this sort of state is natural for her, and I should do the decent thing and support her through it, showing her what a caring and loving man I am so that she gets over her depression and fear and we begin to work together. Other sites say I should just tell her to commit 100% to the marriage immediately or I walk away with the 180. I love my wife, and I don't want to lose her . I believe she does love me, and I believe the affair is over, although she is clearly going through withdrawal. The end result I want is for my wife and I to rebuild our marriage - together.
They had sex, you know that right?! That's what's holding her back, she's trickle truthing you!
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Old 11-20-2011, 10:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Support or 180

She is going through withdrawals , btw. Cold kicking that kind of PEA chemicals in the brain on a dead stop will make her say those things. This will take time. Sometimes many months for her to withdrawl and fully commit to you.

Btw. What are you doing for you? You can't just focus on her. You need to start focussing on you too. You need to use this time for personal growth also. Go to the gym? Get some hobbies? Go visit guy friends and do guy things?
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Old 11-20-2011, 11:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Support or 180

Trickle truth for sure.....keep in mind that more revelations are to follow.

I think you are doing all you can right now....just remember to take care of yourself first, it is easy to lose track of yourself with being preoccupied with all that's going on.

Good luck.
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Old 11-21-2011, 12:07 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Support or 180

Quote:
Originally Posted by HusbandInPain View Post
ok, wife had EA affair of about a fortnight just turned physical (kissing) when I caught them. This was 21 days ago. Then I demanded NC and she lied for two weeks whilst still in contact with him. She went through the motions of transparency but was hiding the phone calls.

However, it all turned up on the phone bills. Endless calls and texting. No physical meeting - I know because of the distance.
Please explain what you mean there was no physical meeting because of distance? How much distance are we talking about? Your last statement contradicts your first. How can they not have a physical meeting because of distance, yet you say that it just turned physical (kissing).

You haven't mentioned how long you've been married to her and if there are any children involved.
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Old 11-21-2011, 02:47 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Support or 180

How is kissing not physical---if they kissed they were together---which is it

If she was with him---your problems, are probably much worse, than if there was no physical contact for her to obsess on---no matter what---the EA, is bad enuff

You need to completely STOP---making this mge. work----it is up to her to do ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING

So she is remorseful---but what does she really do-----HAS SHE DONE ONE THING ABOUT STOPPING HER OBSESSION---has/is she helping you thru your pain----Is she taking you out on dates, is she trying to instill, what was once there in your mge., in reassion---If not then she is still being SELFISH

There can be nothing about what is best for her, it must all be about what is best for the mge., and the family---she has to be SELFLESS

You wanna stop her obsession, real fast---tell her you are leaving cuz, you are tired of her not trying to make this work, and you know she still obsesses about her lover

Yes it's very hard to go cold turkey---but her obsession, is chemical---and I promise you--if you act on leaving her---those chemicals, will be replaced, real fast by chemicals of fear

Fear of being left to live on her own-----that ends obsession real quick

You need to lay down the law, and stick to your guns----she needs to get into counseling and work on fixing whatever is keeping her from giving herself fully to you/family/mge.
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Old 11-21-2011, 09:45 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Support or 180

Quote:
Originally Posted by HusbandInPain View Post
I packed my bags and left her hysterical screaming and begging me to come back. This was 5 days ago. I went back the next day, and agreed to stay on these conditions
I hope other BS's read this. I don't know how many I've seen that are afraid to do this because their WS may "run to the OM/OW's arms".
Quote:
She says she is trying to get over him but that feelings do not go away overnight.
True and that's a problem, since she can't have him she is going to want him more and fantasize about him. It can take years of NC before they start to feel indifferent or angry at the OM/OW for almost ruining their M (they blame shift to the AP instead of themselves sometimes).
Quote:
She is happy to agree to anything I suggest but not being proactive. Its like something is stopping her from throwing herself into fixing the marriage. When I ask, she says she does not know whats stopping her, but it might be that she thinks I am going to leave anyway.
Sounds like she is trying to force things. She is not really afraid of you leaving (or else she would have stepped up her game more) but says that so you will reassure her. She is most likely missing the OM but doesn't want to tell you.
Quote:
So - some websites suggest this sort of state is natural for her, and I should do the decent thing and support her through it, showing her what a caring and loving man I am so that she gets over her depression and fear and we begin to work together.
This sounds good on the surface but I'm afraid the people who suggest this have never dealt with an affair before. Affairs are all emotional based and emotions are irrational by nature so doing what sounds logical ends up backfiring.
Quote:
Other sites say I should just tell her to commit 100% to the marriage immediately or I walk away with the 180.
This sounds harsh but the "tough love" approach tends to be the most affective in these situations. Look how she reacted above when you tried to leave. You have to keep them at that state of anxiety for a while until she starts to hate the OM for wrecking her life or she becomes so obsessed with you that she doesn't even think of the OM anymore. As long as she has any feelings for him you are in for a false R.
Quote:
I love my wife, and I don't want to lose her . I believe she does love me, and I believe the affair is over, although she is clearly going through withdrawal. The end result I want is for my wife and I to rebuild our marriage - together.
Until she gets over the OM you don't have a real M.
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Old 11-21-2011, 11:34 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Support or 180

HIP, you are doing all you can right now... like a couple others have mentioned she is probably trickle-truthing you, and if was physical in any way whatsoever it was probably physical "all the way". Part of her being transparent is to come clean, so it is up to you to do some more investigating on your own to find out the extent of her affair, and whether she is capable (worthy) of reconciling. the 180 is not for you at this point, since she says she wants to R, you just need to make sure she is truly remorseful for her decision. The painful part is realizing she found some needs with someone she found more attractive than you in a way, and it will take some time to get that attraction back, but stay with it, be patient with her emotions but firm with your expectations of her behavior.
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Old 11-21-2011, 11:36 AM   #13 (permalink)
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is OM married?
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Old 11-21-2011, 12:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by jnj express View Post
You wanna stop her obsession, real fast---tell her you are leaving cuz, you are tired of her not trying to make this work, and you know she still obsesses about her lover

Not only is she still obsessing about her lover, it looks like you're minimizing her physical affair too.

Since neither one of you wants to face the stark reality of the situation, it's hard to make any true progress.
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Old 11-21-2011, 12:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Support or 180

Guys, come on. I have no idea if she slept with him or not. The reality is I probably will never know. I ask her a lot. But the reality is that what is more important to me is whether I am now getting the truth or not, rather than the specifics of what happened.

Since my last post I have taken a slightly different tack I thought I would share with you. I have said to her I am going to give her until Christmas to fully commit to the marriage. That will give us six weeks of counselling, and whatever time she needs. I have told her that by then either we have a new start underway or I make a new start on my own. I have told her I will be moving out on the 1st January if we have not made progress, as I will not be a lap dog for her whilst she sorts herself out. this is not a threat, I have already organised accommodation for myself should it come to it, and told her she has no right to know where I am going if I go.

I have also decided that I need to know the truth of whether she is contacting the OM still. So I have installed a micro VAR under the dashboard of her car, which she sits in all day making phone calls. I'll give it a few days, and then I will know the truth one way or the other.

She has picked up today a little - bringing home dinner, and suggesting we go for a walk together this evening, rearranging some work dates so we can spend more time together. I see hope, even if the cynic in me is waiting for another crushing blow. She definitely has feelings for the OM, and is fully prepared to admit it, and that she misses him. I see this as natural. However, what she needs to demonstrate to me now is the strength to resists making that call. If she does it from either of her mobiles I will know - theres a calllogger installed on both phones. And if she calls from the car on ANY phone, I will know. Ive had enough of being pissed on, so now I am removing options for her so I can find the truth. And then we will see.
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