after nearly 20 years together i've found out my partner has cheated on me, not an impulse thing but a premeditated tryst set up by her with someone she met in a bar.
Its now 1 week since i found out and she has shown no remorse and has insisted she is the victim. We have 2 young kids, beautiful innocent boys who love their mum and dad. We have booked a counselling session with marriage guidance for this week but i'm not hopeful their is any way out.. if she hasn't shown remorse, how can we move on? I'm scared to criticise her for anything in case she runs to the comfort of the lover.
I'm desperate for guidance and would do anything to have a happy family home for my kids.
First, cheating is always premeditated; it never happens on an impulse. There is always planning behind it. Cheaters often play the victim card, and will often blame their spouse for what happened. This is a situation where you have to be stronger than you've ever been. You have to be "the bad guy" (at least that's how she will see you) but it's for the sake of your marriage. Don't show any fear. If she wants to run off to lover boy, shrug your shoulders at the thought and tell her not to let the door hit her on the ass on her way out. When you show fear, she has the power. When you show you don't care, it gives you the power and freaks her out. There is another thread on here called "Just let them go" which has some very good advice. Read that, print it out, then read it again, then apply it to your situation.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Thanks for the reply. I'm so mixed up , i'm trying the "understanding guy" and the total lack of remorse is destroying me, so i'll take your "don't care" advice and see how it goes.
This is really tough, I'm so sorry. The instinct is to grab her and hold on tight. But when you do that in this situation, she just wants to wriggle free from you.
Cancel the counseling session (MC) until she wants to go - or just make it an individual session (IC) for yourself.
Tell your wife you won't be anyone's 2nd choice. I guarantee you this other man (OM) has no interest in supporting your wife and your kids. If you tell her you won't stand for it, eventually it will hit her that she has a LOT to lose for a fantasy. So take yourself away as an option until she comes to her senses. This is the only thing that works. Put your foot down. Command respect.
1. You both need to be tested for STD's
2. Expose the affair to the OM's wife or girlfriend
3. See an attorney to understand your options
4. Being reasonable guy will not work and sends a message that you are weak. If the roles were reversed would your wife be the reasonable wife? I doubt it.
5. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.
6. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
Understanding guy? What part of her premeditated infidelity and destruction of your entire family are you trying to understand? Posted via Mobile Device
hi.
I hate this.. I understand that you are trying to see the other side in this. I'm afraid there isn't another side for you. You have been pushed to one side.
She is not a victim. She has chosen to meet a guy in a bar To move forward she needs to take responsibility for her actions and be totally open to your questions.
The advice you are going to get here is counter intuitive and you are going to find it very hard to follow.
1. Agree to NC ever again with her affair partner.
2. Total transparency on her phone, email, GPS on car. Anything you need to know.
3. Remorse. Not guilt.
4. DO not agree to any form of MC unless affair is over.
This is meant to protect you. False R is very, very damaging and must be avoided if your marriage has any chance at all.
Right now. Your marriage is over as you knew it.
Right Now. She has no respect for you
No more understanding. All definitive action now.
I'm scared to criticise her for anything in case she runs to the comfort of the lover.
I'm desperate for guidance and would do anything to have a happy family home for my kids.
Am i mad to think there is any future for us ?
Yes, there is hope for Reconciliation (R), however, and that is a big however, conditions have to be met. Everyone has given you great advice on how to accomplish this. SHE has to do the heavy lifting by meeting those requirements for R.
DO NOT accept her excuses, she was not a victim and OM did not take advantage of her. She met someone in a bar? How long has she been doing this? You need to find this out if you want R. Usually this isn't the first time and often times, this is only the tip of the iceberg. It's called Trickle Truth (TT).
You also need to lose this fear of losing her. If she runs to the OM for comfort, then you know all you need to know about her. Like Ing said, the old marriage is dead. You also need to get tested for STDs, especially if she's been with a man who picks up and bangs chicks he meets at bars. Also be careful if she suddenly says she's pregnant. You will have to have a paternity test done.
MC is not some magical pill that will end the affair and fix the marriage like so many people seem to think it is. MC is useless until the affair is over and the WS is completely remorseful and gives 100% effort to save the marriage. Otherwise you're wasting money and time.
Yours is the typical BH story here, except you failed to mention that your WW is hot and incredibly attractive and sexy.
after nearly 20 years together i've found out my partner has cheated on me, not an impulse thing but a premeditated tryst set up by her with someone she met in a bar.
Its now 1 week since i found out and she has shown no remorse and has insisted she is the victim. We have 2 young kids, beautiful innocent boys who love their mum and dad. We have booked a counselling session with marriage guidance for this week but i'm not hopeful their is any way out.. if she hasn't shown remorse, how can we move on? I'm scared to criticise her for anything in case she runs to the comfort of the lover.
I'm desperate for guidance and would do anything to have a happy family home for my kids.
Am i mad to think there is any future for us ?
You are acting out of fear right now. It may feel right to not critisize her. But it is the opposite of what you need to do. She shows no remorse because she has lost respect for you. You need to take that back. Use the counseling appointment to wake her up. First file for divorce, separate all finances. Expose the affair to friends and family. If you can kick her a$$ out. She needs a taste of reality to wake her from her fog.
READ other threads. Compare those who take a stand for their marriage and self respect.
Then see how begging, pleading, crying works. It doesn't. This other guy has already diked your wife. Is he married? Then do the 180.
I'm scared to criticise her for anything in case she runs to the comfort of the lover.
This is your weakness and will make you sabotage yourself. NEVER be afraid of being alone or to dump them if you have to. 99% of the time when you kick them to the curb they are not able to handle the rejection from you and end up begging to come back. I've yet to see a WS "run the their lover" when dumped by the BS (I have seen them go to them ONLY because they didn't have any other options so not willingly anyway).
If that's what she really wanted to do she would have already done it.
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I'm so mixed up , i'm trying the "understanding guy" and the total lack of remorse is destroying me, so i'll take your "don't care" advice and see how it goes.
Yea, being "understanding" is just another word for "enabling" when it come to affairs. The best responses tend to be more on the anger side, after all she just stabbed you in the back and showed you that she no longer respects you, why would you "understand" that. You are the victim, not her. She went out of her way to cheat for her own selfish reasons that had NOTHING to do with you. This isn't your fault, she had a million other options to deal with whatever issues she had and she CHOOSE to screw around on you.
You can't just roll over and let her get away with it, there has to be consequences or she will think you are spineless and that she can cheat again since you won't protect yourself from her. What she did was grounds for a divorce, let her know that and let her know that may be where you are heading.
If someone robs a bank, you don't let them off the hook just because they say they are sorry and won't do it again. They never should have done it in the first place and if you let them go they might do it again since they know how to talk themselves out of getting in trouble.
wife just ripped my heart out 
