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post #196 of 227 (permalink) Old 09-30-2016, 09:58 PM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

@Tatsuhiko is right. Separation is definitely a bad move and in theory the past 3 months of the sexless false R has been like an in home separation already. What have you gotten for your patience? An adulterous woman that has taken this further underground. Here you are probably moving heaven and earth to earn her affections while she's still stepping out. You caught a conversation that didn't have any sexual or love talk but that doesn't mean that she's still not hooking up with this guy.

This woman has done nothing that should make you hesitate to go full steam ahead to divorce. She has not only betrayed you but her children too. After a 3rd Dday, to have the nerve to talk about ending it on her terms is the ultimate in haughty arrogance. I know you don't want your kids growing up in a broken home but some women are just determined to be single moms.

We just had another BH who's WW insisted in having a good bye in person. The BH allowed it. She spent 5 hours saying goodbye alone, while the husband is sneaking around with their 4 kids, including a 2 year old in the car. Please don't be that guy.

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post #197 of 227 (permalink) Old 09-30-2016, 10:00 PM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

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We just had another BH who's WW insisted in having a good bye in person. The BH allowed it. She spent 5 hours saying goodbye alone, while the husband is sneaking around with their 4 kids, including a 2 year old in the car.
Well you know, it's because this time they really mean it.
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post #198 of 227 (permalink) Old 09-30-2016, 11:41 PM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

Jefe, let's do a very simple experiment and see what results can come from it. If the roles were reversed and you fed your wife the same manure she fed you, do you think she would be agreeable to it? You know her better than us, what would her reaction be?

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #199 of 227 (permalink) Old 09-30-2016, 11:53 PM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

I hope no one is betting their 401K that her "closure" meeting is anything nut a hoax until she figures out how to do it again.

Jefe, if you reconcile with her without her taking a polygraph at least twice in the next year, you are asking for some big time hurt, as if you do not have that already. You should have left the VAR in car and you would have found out it is bull **** they are only talking once a week.

And how on earth are you supposed to know what happens at this "closure". ???Believe her ???
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post #200 of 227 (permalink) Old 09-30-2016, 11:59 PM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

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Totally agree with Bandit. Time to for a complete overhaul. It starts with the renewing of your mind. Not to sound corny but you need to develop the eye of the tiger. Marriage and fatherhood has softened you. It's time to develop your inner warrior.



Hit the gym HARD. Go buy yourself some new threads. Get a quality haircut and make sure your hygiene is on point.



Many times we men cut off friendships to put all our focus on our families but that isolate you. No need to rush into dating but you do need to socialize. Getting involved in a hobby that can get you out and interacting with others is a great way to develop new friendships. If you have some buddies that you haven't talk to in a while, reach out to them. TAM is a great resource but you need people in real life.


And a motorcycle wouldn't hurt. I'm partial to BMWs myself.
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post #201 of 227 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 12:16 AM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

You need to read up on the 180 plan.

You need to have her served with divorce papers, even if you try to work it out.

You need to find a new wife. This one is broken. Only married 5 years and she can't keep her knee's together.
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post #202 of 227 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 06:44 AM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

Here are 4 messages for her:

1. You're a liar
2. Move out
3. Divorce
4. Never call me
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My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
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post #203 of 227 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 07:37 AM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

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I feel calm and ok with everything. I'm not sure why. She put his feelings over mine and our kids many times. It's not hard to walk away in the face of that. If things work out down the road, then that would be cool, but I understand how i can be happy and healthy without this baggage and memories in my life. I love my wife, but right now, need time to be me and be a dad to my kids i haven't been the last 2.5 months going through all this.
You're feeling calm because you've integrated certain opposing realities that were impossible to hold in the consciousness at the same time. Like that your dear lovely wife, and mother of your children, to whom you've devoted your entire being, could be a cold, calculating cheater and liar, apparently without conscience or remorse. And that the only reason it still isn't going on is that you caught her multiple times. Those are hard realities to deal with, but once you accept that it is what it is at least your anxiety wanes and you can get back to functioning.

Making the decision to file for divorce is huge. It's equivalent to taking back the self that got trashed when she cut you off and started banging the other guy. You're still trying to hold onto a tiny piece of the past by saying that you might consider reconciling at some point in the future, but I think you know that once the break is made and you start living fully again, you'll no longer be interested in round #2 with her. How could you ever trust or respect her again? It would never be the same.

Divorce is hard while you're going through it, but once you're done there is clear sailing on the other side... a chance to build a new life that's really worth having instead of the big compromise. You're going to wake up one morning with the realization that your life is valuable, and you're absolutely worthy of real love and companionship... no more looking back over your shoulder, trying to turn disgust into a marriage worth having.

I think you should be moving forward with the D and begin giving up the little fantasies about who you thought she was or wanted her to be.
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post #204 of 227 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 07:54 AM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

Yeah I didn't take into consideration the shortness of their marriage. She's already cheating within five years?

Aw hell no....
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post #205 of 227 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 08:21 AM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

She needs 4 messages to end things w/ OM?

Bullsh*t.

If she wanted to, she could've ended it with a single message.

But she didn't want to end it.

Oh... and she's not been seeing OM but still hasn't been having sex w/ you? Not even HB?

She might be having sex w/ someone else.

As in another OM.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #206 of 227 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 08:28 AM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

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I definitely don't believe her. It will take clear changes in attitude and actions to ever convince me. That's why i'm saying i'm moving forward pursuing a D, but won't say i'd be opposed to R if things presented themselves down the line. Nothing she can say will convince me she is ending it. It will take weeks and months of her showing me. Unfortunately, idk if i'll be around long enough to see that.
The thing is, people who are having affairs lie. You can't trust a thing they say. You are seeing that now. Why should you believe she will end it at some future time, and was planning to anyway, when she has claimed to have ended it more than once before?

To me the telling thing about her latest story is that she thought she could keep going and you would never find out. If she genuinely believes that what matters is whether you find out, not whether she keeps her promises, then I just don't see how she will ever be someone you can trust. She sees deceiving you as a valid approach if it lets her do what she wants. She is looking for a lie that will stick.

I'm not telling you what to do. I reconciled, for the sake of the kids. But I warn you, once you learn she can look you in the eye and lie to you, something changes, and it stays changed forever. You will never totally trust her again. How you deal with that that can make or break any reconciliation.

At the very least, keep gathering evidence, and measure what she says against what you know. If you keep catching her in lies it is an answer.
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post #207 of 227 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 09:39 AM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

Wow, I didn't catch that they were only married 5 years. Which includes the pregnancy, 1st year of baby, and 8 month affair. That this woman is still fighting for her soulmate after a 3rd Dday and a young child at home, tells me this is no salvageable.

I could have sworn that OP mentioned another older kid. I hope he can clarify. How many kids, and their ages. If they're older than 5 then it must mean that he married a single mom. If she was a single mom, was she married and what caused that marriage to fail? So many divorce women run with the he was abusive meme that I think it's used to hide past infidelity.

Jefe, you know who this POS is. Why haven't you confronted him?
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post #208 of 227 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 12:28 PM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

Jefe, how long have the two of you been married? I thought I read five years but I can not find that.
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post #209 of 227 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 01:14 PM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

It seems to me that you are on the right track. Keep moving forward with the divorce but understand that things can change if she puts forth the effort. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she is likely to do that. Concentrate on you and the kids.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #210 of 227 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 05:31 PM
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Re: Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

She doesn't need four attempts to get closure.

Last edited by Palodyne; 10-01-2016 at 05:34 PM. Reason: I agree she doesn't need 4 texts to achieve this,
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