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Wife "has no desire" for sex after her affair

98K views 226 replies 69 participants last post by  bandit.45 
#1 ·
We are currently almost 3 months post Dday. It's been a tough period. I was caught completely off guard when confronted with overwhelming evidence. She eventually confessed and we agreed to work on things. 3 weeks later something didn't feel right so i hired a PI and caught her walking out of work with the OM. They got into her car chatted for a bit and then left. I am positive it was a PA before Dday and fairly sure the physical part stopped after Dday, though the emotional part continued until the PI spotted them. I called her that morning and said that was enough, i had been lied to enough and it was over.

SInce that time, she has been completely into the R. Her attitude has changed, shes more affectionate, accountable and seems to be taking all the steps to aid in our R. She had previously said IC wasn't for her and she didn't want to go. I was not happy about that, but persuaded my self that i could live with it and we continued on. She got a new job 2 weeks ago and i was ready to fully commit to the R. I sat her down and told her so. I said i was ready to resume the marriage i had put on hold after DDay no2. She was happy about that, but when i brought up the topic of sex, she said she just had no desire. Not sex with me, the OM or anyone. Just was in a weird situation where she wasn't wanting it at all. I did not take this well. I'm dying for intimacy with my wife and she didn't have sex with me for the last 5 months of her affair, always having excuses which i bought because she was breast feeding.

Now she has agreed to go to counseling after i told her that A)her having no ideas about what led to the affair/why she started it. She said we had a happy marriage before it started, and B) why she doesn't want sex. I told her those two things were deal breakers for me. That long term, me now knowing why we are in this situation will cause it to happen again. And i have gone long enough without sex from my wife while she was giving it to someone else. I was done waiting.

I told her i would wait temporarily while she went to counseling. But not forever.

Has anyone seen this behaviour before? Does she not want sex with me because she still is thinking about him? i have access to everything i know about, as far as i can tell, the A is over. She seems happy to have ended it and like a weight was off her shoulders due to the deception. IDK if thats true or not. I just am perplexed with this sex issue. I thought we would be on a path to R after the job change. I now feel we are moving backwards.

ANy advice?
 
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#6 ·
Are you serious??? She gets to have sex with whomever she wants, when she wants, where she wants and you are supposed to be celibate while she works on things. Awesome.

So let me do you a favor and give you the answers to what you want her to discover during her counseling sessions (she already knows the answers but doesn't want to tell them to you).

A. She had the affair because she liked the attention, had the opportunity, and thought she wouldn't get caught. She's probably had affairs in the past that you don't know about which is why she isn't trying that hard with you.

B. She doesn't want sex with you because she's still thinking about the OM. She still wants him and you aren't him so you don't awaken her sex drive. She resents you for catching them and ending her fantasy which also is killing her sex drive.

You'd do a lot better by thinking about what YOU WANT and whether she is meeting YOUR NEEDS. Stop letting her control your relationship and decide for yourself whether she is wife material or not.
 
#17 ·
Are you serious??? She gets to have sex with whomever she wants, when she wants, where she wants and you are supposed to be celibate while she works on things. Awesome.
I didn't read anywhere that she can continue to have sex with anyone whenever she wants where she wants and he has to wait around and be celibate while she works on things.

I did read how she's committing herself to fixing what's broken and she's starting counseling.

Since there's only one post by the Op I cannot fathom where you came up with any of that.

I do agree with the above poster that you did not handle this aggressively and she very well may be of the impression that she can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. No doubt she's lost a great deal of respect for you due to your inaction in regard to her affair.
 
#7 ·
I am positive it was a PA before Dday and fairly sure the physical part stopped after Dday, though the emotional part continued until the PI spotted them. I called her that morning and said that was enough, i had been lied to enough and it was over.

SInce that time, she has been completely into the R. Her attitude has changed, shes more affectionate, accountable and seems to be taking all the steps to aid in our R.
What happened between the time you said it was over and you being back in R? Your line in the sand erased, no consequences for her cheating, and you demonstrating that you are afraid to divorce her.

Of course she doesn't worry about withholding sex from you.

That simply means she's not remorseful. A truly remorseful wife would "fake it till she made it" in the bedroom if she truly valued her second, or I should say, third chance. She doesn't.

Start the divorce process, then see if she turns around. If not, finish it.
 
#8 ·
My friend, her explanations to you are bull ****. Unless she is physically ill, there are only two explanations possible for having no libido, which was not her problem with the other man

(1) it is still going on behind your back, and do not discount that possibility because of anything she says
(2) she is still "pining" for him and emotionally feels she is cheating on him by having sex with you.

So lets take what to do in case it is #1. Tell her you need her to take a polygraph test to prove she is not still at it and that she has not taken it further underground. Her reaction will tell you a lot. And given that you had to hire a PI to catch her the second time, you ought to do the damm test.
If she is still in this so called "fog" grieving the loss of her boyfriend, a quick cure for that is a set of divorce papers to make it REAL for her. You can stop the divorce at any time you want to, but she makes her buying time to mourn her loss a much more dangerous for her activity.

Telling her things are deal breakers and not following through on it is bad. It tells her what most women think in todays marital environment. If you asked ten of her girlfriends and told them what she has done, more than half would tell her just to buy time and you will get "over it". You need to dispel that notion in her mind.

She has been caught twice. She should be begging you to give her another chance and denying you sex is not the way to go about it. She knows how to spread her legs. She needs to be doing it for you.
 
#9 ·
she doesn't want sex with you because she wants sex with OM.

She's TT'ing you and outright lying to you. She is in love/lust/fog with OM.

And she is having an affair while she is breast feeding ? Real classy there.

Divorce and have the kid DNA tested.
 
#12 ·
I'm going to elaborate on the above. I goes well beyond her not wanting sex with you because of the other guy. She doesn't want sex with you because she's lost interest and respect for you. Women typical loose interest and have "mental" affairs where they rationalize it before actually doing the deed.
Now that she has the hots for the other guy, and I agree with others and would bet money she's still banging his brains out if/when she gets the chance, she has lost all desire for you and probably detest contemplating have you "touch her" in that way. Hence the reason she's only playing along on the marriage counseling.
Remember, when a woman has a high romantic interest in you, its easy for her to stay loyal. And she is staying loyal to the boyfriend.
 
#19 ·
This is it precisely. You let her get away without MC. You forfeited your own best chance to teach your wife to confront what she did and to help you, the hurting spouse, heal.
 
#20 ·
Most women can only be sexually interested in one man at a time. Thus, when a woman has an affair she is, as a general rule, no longer interested in her husband sexually (and may not have been for some time).

Such women are "being faithful" to their new sex partner, so having sex with their husbands seems like cheating. And why would they cheat with someone that they have no sexual interest in?

Divorce is the answer, unfortunately, in most of these situations.

Sorry you are here.
 
#21 ·
How about a recap OP. Hope you are still around and sorry if you are not hearing what you want to. An old saying on these forums is to pay attention to the opinions that sting you the most because they are probably correct. Have you noticed the trend here.???

A bunch of strangers who do not know each other from Adam have pretty much all come to the same conclusions in different terms.
(1) you do not know the truth
(2) you are not in anything that resembles reconciliation
(3) you are in rugsweeping and ostrich mode

Now if you can afford a PI you can afford to do a whole bunch of **** to either nail her and catch her again or prove that she is at least telling you an abridged version of the truth.

Next move is your my friend. Standing still is not an option. When you stand still you are in reality going backwards.
 
#22 ·
So what consequences should I give? I don't want to be divorced, but I don't want to be walked on either. Should I give her a time frame for counseling? One month and if things haven't changed I see an attorney?

I have tested the kid. It's mine. I agree she hasn't faced much consequences. Fortunately this is something I'm new at. Sucks I'm going through it.
 
#23 ·
Jefe,

You are in the very early stage of recovery, it takes 2 to 5 years, the only place where people chuckle about an affair and get over it like it was a stomach ache is in a sitcom.

It's likely your WW is still in love with the OM, think of an affair as a very powerful addiction, that's the most likely reason, she doesn't want sex with YOU. One of the other side effects of an affair can be an intense hatred or repulsion towards their spouse.

Was the OM spouse or girlfriend informed, and the OM family work facebook linkedin, etc. Exposing the OM widely and suddenly without warning or threats will cause him to call it out completely with your WW.

Yes DNA test and a Polygraph for your WW.

Tamat
 
#25 ·
One thing you can do, and really should do is don't make it so certain for her.

Tell her you don't know if you'll take her back even if she does everything "right".

Tell her you need alone time to figure it out and she's gotta find somewhere else to live until you do.

That sort of thing. It's more about attitude than anything else. It's all about putting yourself first and putting her at a distant second, like she did with you when she was having sex with the other guy.
 
#37 ·
You devalue yourself, and your marriage, by making it too easy for her not to feel at least some consequences for her infidelity. She should be on probation until she demonstrates that she not only wants you as a husband, as father for her child but also as her lover. Being simply roommates is not conducive for a reawakening of sexual desire on her part.

You'd be wise to consider the post below.

One thing you can do, and really should do is don't make it so certain for her.

Tell her you don't know if you'll take her back even if she does everything "right".

Tell her you need alone time to figure it out and she's gotta find somewhere else to live until you do.


That sort of thing. It's more about attitude than anything else. It's all about putting yourself first and putting her at a distant second, like she did with you when she was having sex with the other guy.
This. I was going to make the same point but I'm glad that someone else saw it and pointed it out.
 
#26 ·
Expose the affair to her former place of employment if the OM still works there. Expose the affair to the OM's wife or girlfriend. Get the name and other contact info from your wife. Have a meeting of the two sets of in-laws and tell your wife to confess and apologize to them. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know on whether to file immediately or not. Expose the affair to your close friends. She must surrender all her passwords and log-in info to all her social media sites including emails, Facebook, etc. Again, her reaction will tell you a lot.

Ask her to take a polygraph and watch her reaction. You might get a "parking lot confession" before she goes in to take the test, but do it anyway. Some of the questions may include: how many partners has she cheated on you with, is she in love with the OM, is she saving herself for the OM, etc.

Tell her to get some books to read. Don't remind her and see if she's serious about R or if she's just putting in minimum effort:
"His Needs, Her Needs"
"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair"

I forget the exact titles of the books, but the others can help you with that.
 
#28 ·
I didn't pick up on it the first time, she cheated on you soon after giving birth to your child?

Deplorable.

I would have issues with trust. Two D-Days tells me she didn't even give a damm the first time she got caught. Often after getting caught a wayward spouse will be so scared of losing their spouse they will quit the Other cold turkey. Your wife going further underground tells me all I need to know about how little she respects you - and your baby. I'm glad she took another job after D/Day 2 but unless she now works on the International Space Station that doesn't mean squat at this point.

She has faced zero consequences. File for divorce. Divorces take many months to finalize, and in that time maybe she can clean up her act and be a better wife and mother. If it was me, after two D-Days and then withholding sex, I'd be done with her. I would prefer to make do with my right hand as a single guy, minus the hassle of being married.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#30 ·
We are currently almost 3 months post Dday. It's been a tough period. I was caught completely off guard when confronted with overwhelming evidence. She eventually confessed and we agreed to work on things. 3 weeks later something didn't feel right so i hired a PI and caught her walking out of work with the OM. They got into her car chatted for a bit and then left. I am positive it was a PA before Dday and fairly sure the physical part stopped after Dday, though the emotional part continued until the PI spotted them. I called her that morning and said that was enough, i had been lied to enough and it was over.

SInce that time, she has been completely into the R.Her attitude has changed, shes more affectionate, accountable and seems to be taking all the steps to aid in our R. She had previously said IC wasn't for her and she didn't want to go. I was not happy about that, but persuaded my self that i could live with it and we continued on. She got a new job 2 weeks ago and i was ready to fully commit to the R. I sat her down and told her so. I said i was ready to resume the marriage i had put on hold after DDay no2. She was happy about that, but when i brought up the topic of sex, she said she just had no desire. Not sex with me, the OM or anyone. Just was in a weird situation where she wasn't wanting it at all. I did not take this well. I'm dying for intimacy with my wife and she didn't have sex with me for the last 5 months of her affair, always having excuses which i bought because she was breast feeding.

Now she has agreed to go to counseling after i told her that A)her having no ideas about what led to the affair/why she started it. She said we had a happy marriage before it started, and B) why she doesn't want sex. I told her those two things were deal breakers for me. That long term, me now knowing why we are in this situation will cause it to happen again. And i have gone long enough without sex from my wife while she was giving it to someone else. I was done waiting.

I told her i would wait temporarily while she went to counseling. But not forever.

Has anyone seen this behaviour before? Does she not want sex with me because she still is thinking about him? i have access to everything i know about, as far as i can tell, the A is over. She seems happy to have ended it and like a weight was off her shoulders due to the deception. IDK if thats true or not. I just am perplexed with this sex issue. I thought we would be on a path to R after the job change. I now feel we are moving backwards.

ANy advice?
After Dday 1, you felt in your gut that something was still wrong, so you hire a PI and he finds her getting in OM car to "chat?" because PI couldn't see any action in the car doesn't mean she didn't "service" him.

She cut you off because she's being loyal to her boyfriend. The majority of women are not emotionally able to have sex with more than 1 man. Once your WW gave herself to OM, she was through with you. Just because she changed jobs doesn't mean they can't get together for a weekly lunch BJ or backseat quickie.

This OM was defiling your wife while she was breast feeding? This POS probably had his mouth on and probably shot off on her breast that were still feeding your child. The mouth that would probably service him during lunch breaks came home to kiss your child. Damn your wife is VILE.

If your wife was willing to so quickly have sex and thereby risking her baby's security then you know she doesn't love or respect you. I'd bet that they're just laying low until the dust settles to restart.

You decided to R WAY TO FAST and she has suffered no consequences. Her refusing to IC and having to be begged for MC tells me she wants to do the bare minimum to appease you. A truly remorseful wife, would be allowing you to claim her back through at least a week straight of hysterical bonding sex. But you're still cut off. That means she's still his girl.
 
#35 · (Edited)
This is just mean and completely untrue.

Jumping into bed with you and giving you a week straight of hysterical bonding sex is not an indication of a remorseful wife at all and your wife is no more "vile" than the next adulterer. She's not doing the "bare minimum to appease you" as she's not ready or trying to "appease" anything right now. She's just lost and probably too ashamed to talk to a counselor. As far as "consequences", I think you should consider exposing to influential friends and family such that they will support the two of you, pray for you and hopefully hold her accountable but other than that, "consequences" aren't your responsibility. She's not your child you are responsible for disciplining, she's your wife and God will dish out the consequences {there's truly no avoiding consequences}.

We all sin ~ and adultery is way up there on the list of the most egregious sins. To get there these wayward spouses twist their minds into knots trying to self-justify their behavior, make it not that bad and try to figure out a way to keep it going. It's takes time to unwind that thinking before they can even get to remorse let alone repentance and making amends.

Your wife is messed up for sure ~ so you have a choice to keep kicking her while she's down or be part of the process of building her back up and becoming a leader in your marriage. If you are a believer you can actually sanctify your wife through Him with your own prayers, behavior and submission to Him.

She certainly may never truly come around. Maybe the affair rekindles or she just never comes to repentance. Surely you can file for divorce at that point in time. I'm not suggesting you wait and "support" the person who just gut-punched you indefinitely but a couple months after 'no contact' is doable, right?


EDIT TO ADD: If OM's wife/girlfriend doesn't know about the affair you must expose to her as well. Don't talk to your wife about it as she'll give you every reason why you shouldn't and try to manipulate you into not doing it and probably call OM to forewarn him. Just do it. It's the right decent thing to do.
 
#32 ·
There's no way to know for certain but your wife quitting her job with OM and getting a new job by itself is a good indication she's actually ended the affair. However, even though it seemed to end a little while ago on or after DD2, you didn't actually obtain "no contact" until the day she actually left the old job. She's still in withdrawal and depressed. Affairs are artificial fantasy highs. Her mind has been going 100 mph for 5 or 6 months with anxiety and stress {afffairs aren't all good times}. Keep snooping to confirm but absent proof of continued contact I'd guess she's just going through withdrawal {with maybe a little post partum thrown in ~ how old is the baby}.

As others have pointed out ~ women are more generally sexually attracted to a singular person and wayward wives therefore develop an aversion to their husband that helps them rationalize and justify having an affair. Sometimes the aversion lasts a while and though your wife mentally wants to recover and she knows what's best for her and your baby, emotionally she's just not there yet. You pointed out yourself that things are coming along with more affection and accountability. So I would suggest you have some patience and understanding. It's not a matter of OM got sex and now she must give me sex. If you are in this to rebuild a loving marriage, then talk to her in a calm manner and communicate about these issues. Also, get a new cologne and shower gel. Smell different.

As far as understanding WHY your wife did it. She probably doesn't know yet and the WHY? just doesn't matter. She did it because she wanted to. Because the OM filled some unmet emotional need of hers she may not have even understood she needed coupled with poor boundaries around men. Your wife just had a baby. There are lots of hormones racing through her body and mentally she was just the size of a beached whale. OM might have flirted with her and made her feel sexy and instead of being offended, her boundaries were lacking and she liked and appreciated the flirting. OM made her feel good about herself at what's greatly understood to be an emotional and hormonal valley after having a baby. It's a common time for women {and men} to be at risk/succumb to the temptation of adultery. Doesn't make any of it right or ok and you are within your God given rights to divorce her; however, recovery is very possible and actually quite likely if you achieve "no contact" and commit to a marital recovery plan of some kind. I'm recovered nearly 2 decades and have many recovered friends.

Punishing her, giving her ultimatums or filing for divorce because she's not ready to have sex with you would be foolhardy IF you want to recover.


Also ~~ if and when she does have sex with you again {probably pretty soon} please recognize that she's just not that into it and don't make the mistake of trying to make it super romantic and significant. Many reconciling couples can go through a period of hysterical bonding but the sex isn't truly all that intimate. It will start out probably more like duty sex. Doesn't mean you don't do it; but just recognize she's coming along and making progress. You are better off trying to make it goof around fun sex than super serious 'making love' but that's just a suggestion. Recovery is a process. It's totally not fair but it is what it is.
 
#33 ·
Jefe,

You just m are this statement

"I do not want to be divorced".

No ****. Most people that are married would make that statement. But the fact is it does not really matter what you want unless she wants the same thing, which at this time you have no valid verication of.

Books have been suggested to you. But since you are still in shock and paralysis I'll save you some time and tell you what just about ALL of them say
(1) verifiable NO CONTACT with OM. That does not mean she tells you she will stop meeting him and flirting with him at work all day. It means what it says and the minute you allow her to stay in that job with him you are right there greatly reducing your chances to get this resolved. No "being friends" with him. Nothing and no negotiations.
(2) next on the list is TOTAL TRANSPERANCY. That means that she voluntarily and without pouting turns over every password on every electronic device she owns. Now understand I said voluntarily!!!. If you have to coerce her that does not become acceptable. And you also need to understand this in itself does NOT mean anything because we all know how easy it is to set up another e mail or app on the phone. It is her WILLINGNESS and desire to do it to make you feel safe that is what you are looking for. She should want you to know where she is, she should want to be accountable for letting you know if she is going to be late or not where she is supposed to be, and she should not be feeling this is "punishment". It is a consequence of being a liar and cheater.

Now you can waste your time on MC but understand. All of the books say the more a WW resists the above and fights it the greater the chance she is either still in the affair or will be again when she gets the opportunity.

Back to the sex. Understand this. Women fall into two categories when they cheat
(1) COMPARTMENTALIZERS- are able to carry on a double life and act perfectly normal with their husbands. Their affair is just a thing they do for fun and they think they will not get caught. What hubby does not know will not hurt him. They love their husbands and have no intention of leaving.
(2) NON COMPARTMENTALIZERS- this is where your wife falls. They need to do something to kill their attraction to their husband, pick fights with him, enhance all his faults, in order to justify in their minds what they are doing. Therefore, they are entitled to be happy because hubby is not meeting their needs. You have to be smelly, dirty, and not worthy of cheating on their boyfriend with.
These types are easier to catch once you listen to your gut, which apparently you did.

The question now is what is your plan. As long as she gets up every day and spends 8-10 hours around this OM that she has broken NC with as well as slept with, her atttraction to you is not coming back. It is too easy for them to have opportunity to get away with it.

If she stays in that job and you do not demand a polygraph you will be in limbo for a long long time, and my guess is most of us responding to you would put money on you having yourself another D Day.

You have to decide

DO YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF INFIDELITY OR STAY MARRIED AT ALL COSTS????

She believes it is the latter and until that changes she is in control.
 
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