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Living in doubt

32K views 132 replies 41 participants last post by  Hicks 
#1 ·
About 2 years ago I suspected my wife of having an affair. I did my best to uncover what was going on at the time but I was never able to figure out the truth. She was definitely being secretive about something but I do not know for sure if she was cheating. I asked at the time but shed denied everything including her behavior which I did not imagine.

It's very possible she did cheat but its also completely possible she was being secretive about something else entirely. Not knowing is driving me crazy. It's been 2 years and I still think about it everyday.

While I would not say our marriage was terrible 2 years ago, it was also not at its best. Currently our relationship is as good as it's ever been. We rarely argue and the intimacy we once had is returning. Because things are improving I'm hesitant to bring this issue up with her. It's possible I was just being insecure and my suspicion could damage our progress. I don't know how to bring this up without both her being upset and me looking weak/insecure. I want to just forget it but it's on my mind daily.

In the past my questioning her has lead to her getting angry so I really don't think I can get any results that way. I've suggested counseling before but she didn't want to go so that's also out.

I feel like I have no options since talking about it is not likely to produce any truths and will most likely result in a fight. Basically I'm left to compartmentalize this but it's a bit draining to constantly asses ones thoughts and actions to make sure I'm not projecting anger/suspicion about this issue.

Any thoughts, just wanted some insight from people who have been here.
 
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#2 ·
If she's not actively involved with another guy at this time then it will be rather difficult if not impossible to find any evidence.

Since you don't want to confront and you doubt she'd come clean if you did then that's not an option either.

Don't really have an answer other than history usually repeats and if you see the signs then start investigating while the trail is hot.
 
#12 ·
Yes I checked phone bills but found nothing. She knows I have access to that stuff and probably would avoid it. Also I learned that iMessage does not show on the phone bill.

I was suspicious because on multiple occasions I awoke to her, in a panic, closing and putting down her phone. It was almost comedic it was so clumsy. I would also walk into the room and she's closing browser windows, one time I could tell it was a photo of a guy and it looked like her ex but it was so fast I couldn't be sure. Basically this kind of crap went on long enough that I just assumed she's cheating and started to observe rather than confront her every time. The behavior coupled with our diminishing sex life lead me to the cheating assumption I guess.

This went on for like 6 months maybe, then it stopped completely which has only made me more curious.

---

As I'm writing this I realize my post title should have been "My wife cheated and got away with it!"
 
#7 · (Edited)
Yea this pretty much sums up my options, not much good I can do now.

I guess this will just linger in the back of my mind until the next round of strange behavior. I actually found this forum because of the VAR thread but I never took things that far. But next time I suspect anything I'm going to start digging. Uncertainty is a ****ty feeling and I hope I've never made her feel this way.
 
#13 ·
Yes, these are 3 red flags for an EA or PA. The 'confronting every time' has created the possibility it went underground. You now do not know if it was an EA/PA and if it stopped, or not.

Probability it was something is rather high, that it then stopped after 6 months is also rather high.
 
#14 ·
Best case is she didn't cheat.

Worst case is she cheated and -- having gotten away w/ it -- is still cheating.

Mitigated worst case is she cheated but stopped (of her own accord), hopefully realizing the error of her ways and resolving to never do it again.

Ideally, if she did cheat (or is cheating), you'd be able to ask her about it and she'd tell the truth.

But cheaters lie, man. It's something of a universal truth. Hell, it's in the job description.

And guess what? Even "reformed" cheaters lie. Because they've learned their lessons, right? Why needlessly hurt you?

Now the bad news -- assuming that she was cheating, any evidence (if there ever was any) is likely long gone. It's possible that there's something in her old FB messages, emails, texts (might have to recover from device backup), etc, but that's gonna be a huge pain, especially if you don't currently have access to any of that.

Personally I'd recommend establishing some solid monitoring, waiting a week or so, and then asking her about your thoughts. That might shake something loose, especially if you suspect that she was involved w/ someone in particular.

For example, if you say something like, "I feel like you were spending too much time with Jim around that time, plus he was acting pretty strangely around me back then...", a VAR discretely placed in her car might catch a particularly juicy phone call to him the next day.

Yes, I know this sounds creepy.

But it's like I said, man -- cheaters lie.

With respect to her phone records, social media accounts, email, cell phone, tablet, computer, etc, and passwords for each... to which of these do you currently have access?
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#15 ·
Unfortunately all the evidence would point to her cheating. Only option is as Gus pointed out. Install a VAR in her car drop her a juicy line how you plan to confront Mr X on your suspicions then wait for the phone call.

If you dont find anything this time you will have to let it go until next time.

At least if there is a next time and i sincerley hope not you will be better prepared.
 
#16 ·
Like most any new relationship, there's going to be a slow to rather fast buildup, an acceleration toward the sexual, and then quite possibly, the denouement, more especially if things begin to taper off in their newfound covert freedom!

Regardless, the creation of this fast-budding relationship is going to, more often than not, be documented in such social media devices as PC's cell phones, and pads ~ which most likely will be protected by either impenetrable passwords, or perhaps none at all, to afford them rather easy access for the participant to quickly revel in their newfound "love" as well as their "freedom of irreverence," which they are hedging their bets that their legitimate and trusting partner doesn't really have the first damned clue about!

If the marital relationship has headed "South" because of a disappearance of the marital sex act, that all too often is the only clue that a potential BS may ever be afforded to affirm that "something is indeed rotten in Denmark!"

Given that, only common sense and the due investigation of probable cause is going to be the only available, justifiable tool to ferret out any possibility of impropriety!

Posted via Mobile Device
 
#17 ·
None of the regulars here have any doubt what was going on. That's because your wife was following the infamous cheater's script to a tee.

Is her ex married? I would go so far as to talk to his wife and see if she suspected anything.

Do you have access to her phone, computer tablet, old phones, phone bills?
 
#20 ·
I really appreciate everyone's help here.

I only have access our phone records, never found anything. She no longer has the same phone, the phone that would have contained any details was traded-in when she upgraded last year, opportunity lost. I did snoop occasionally on the old phone but never found anything. I'm positive she would delete anything incriminating and probably would stick to email or FB. I do know, the one or 2 times I was able to peak at her facebook, all the history stuff was always deleted. Yea not a good sign.

At the time of the suspicious behavior she was spending too much time on Facebook. Way more so than now. Maybe that was the vehicle of communication but I'm not sure. Either she has stopped or the affair has gone underground. I'm still keeping an eye out but I never notice anything suspicious anymore. I'm not on Facebook, never have, never will.

So i guess I should disclose a little more info, probably should have mentioned this but I'm a bit of a private person. Since the possible affair we've had a child (unplanned). Life is completely different now, before she had all the time in the world to do something like this but now we have very little free time. Pretty much everything has changed in our lives.

I did have a paternity test and I'm sure our child is mine. It's the only assurance I have these days.
 
#22 ·
There's no way for this to happen unless you just bury it, which obviously isn't healthy.

And let's say it comes roaring back 5, 10, or 20 (or more) years from now... what will you do then?

Don't avoid this.

You want to put this behind you?

Get out in front of it (to the degree that you can, anyway) NOW.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#23 ·
You either need some hard evidence, or you have to be willing to risk destroying your relationship over suspicion. You may well be right - but, what if you are wrong and it turns out to be unjustified paranoia? Without evidence, you'll have to dig, and she will know that you are. If she is innocent, she may well be disgusted and leave. If not, well, then you'll know. Either way, your relationship could end. Maybe it would be best to just divorce now - because that's almost certainly where this will lead whether or not she cheated.
 
#31 ·
The computer key logger is a possibility, I'm going to consider it.

As to the phone, I did research this back then and spying on an iPhone is very difficult. Last time I checked it was not a simple process by any means, not like a computer key logger.
 
#33 ·
There's a pretty universal thought that you can't take any action until you have solid evidence. I also believed that with my XWW and didn't do anything until I had proof. Maybe I'm just a little jaded now but these days I wouldn't need proof. If I don't trust someone I'd just get rid of them and save myself the hassle. If you truly don't trust your wife you need to decide if you are OK living like this or not. If you are OK with it, then hopefully the feelings will slowly go away. If you aren't OK with it you can always decide to take action. That could include marriage counseling and it could be something that you insist on and won't accept her not participating in. Good luck to you.
 
#35 ·
Given that my child is my priority, I'm not willing to blow things up without proof. Even if remote, it's possible this is my issue and I'm not willing to cause damage over suspicion without evidence.

Ultimately I just want to know if I'm crazy/insecure and need to work on myself or if she's a cheater. I'll survive either way but not knowing is a thorn in my side.

In all other aspects I trust her and if it wasn't for the suspicious behavior I'd have no distrust at all.
 
#40 ·
Mojo, have you had the talk with your wife about what are deal breakers in a marriage, and if not perhaps this is the time to discuss it and when you do, this is where an understanding in body language may help. In other words, have a sit down talk face to face with her and bring that at work they talked about deal breakers in marriage and as her what are her's and then bring up yours, namely cheating on a spouse, especially if she hadn't brought it up as part of her deal breaker, then tell her that some one who cheats is the lowest form of scum bag in the world, and then look her in the eye and ask "don't you think" perhaps even discuss EA vs. PA before asking that question...something like even a emotional affair is cheating and agains ask her "what do you think?" what her body language, but remember, its important to speak calmly with no anger. a simple conversation. I am not suggesting that you will get answer but you will instill guilt and shame if its in there, and perhaps other behavior.....for example hours later she might want to bring up the subject again perhaps in the believe you have something maybe....just a thought.
 
#42 ·
You have to analyze what you can and can't control and what lines you are willing to cross. The simplest is, when she fumbles or closes the browser, ask to see it. If she asks you why, don't you trust her, respond, clearly no, which is why I am asking you. If she has nothing to hide, then she hides nothing. If that is too confrontational for you, then look to add a VAR like other have said, or put up other types of surveillance. Does she always use her computer in the same place? Put a camera pointing at it. Take it a step further and hire a private detective. You can't live your life wondering, so, either do something or leave.
 
#46 ·
In the past I did confront her but I never got any evidence. Asking to see the phone/computer was pointless because the window/app would have already been closed out. I never did the VAR mostly because the phone records didn't show anything. Unless she had another phone (i searched) or was using an app, I don't think a VAR will work. My gut says if anything the communications went through instant messaging or email.
 
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