Your spinning because you are trying to cover all the bases, but you don't even knows game is being played.
Stop and focus.
You want her back? The only way you will get her back is for her to decide to return and work on the marriage.
To do tat she needs time to come to terms with just who awful she has acted.
She also needs to know that you will consider R, but with terms.
Tell her the door is open if she chooses you walk back into the families lives and the marriage. But you won't have her back because she feels she has no other option, or if she sees or treats you as the fall back option. Only as option A and her choice. Posted via Mobile Device
This would be my plan. Very tough love until she eventually asks the question you are looking for. Can we salvage this? You say, haven't seen any reason from you to try. She will say something to the effect, what can I do? You say, you moved heaven and earth to be with him and all I get is that? You figure it out cause I don't see any reason Her head will be spinning? Posted via Mobile Device
Keep doing the 180, wait for her to crawl back to me and feel the consequences and real remorse of what she's done. Which risks her thinking I don't want her anymore and perhaps enables her to search out another man.
That is very easily solved. VERY easily. And it has been suggested to you several times. All it requires is for you to make a list of what you would require - all her passwords, a NC letter to OM, therapy for her AND MC, spending 15 hours a week together, maybe a postnup agreement, whatever else you need - and you look her in the eyes, hand her the list, and say "I want you back, but not like this. This is what I would require for us to get back together." And then you walk away.
She said she doesn't know if she should go and be on her own or if we should try to salvage something out of our marriage. I told her yea, that's something we need to talk about. That was pretty much the end of the conversation.
A BIG wasted opportunity for you to say 'I would LOVE to salvage something, but it will require some changes on both our parts. Starting with you proving to me why I should trust you again.'
But you didn't. Because your #1 fear is she will leave you. And it shows. She has no reason to do anything, she can sense that all she has to do is wait you out.
Last night we talked. I told her I was open to the idea of R and I gave her my terms. I told her I wasn't sure if our marriage could be fixed, but I was at least willing to try. She told me she doesn't know what she wants, that she hasn't had time to figure things out. That she feels it would be unfair to me to try and R if she couldn't put everything she had into it. I agreed. I told her I was perfectly prepared to move on without her, but if we were going to try and R...the sooner we tried the better. So as of now I'm giving her more time to "absorb" everything she's done. Do you feel like this is the right thing to do? Or should I ask for an immediate decision and just move on. I understand she's got a lot going through her head and shes confused about how she feels for me (in her eyes if she loved me how could she have did what she did to me), but I'm done sitting on the fence. Either we put effort into R, or I say f it and move on.
You can't have genuine R with someone who doesn't want it. She's still deep in the fog right now, and clearly isn't ready.
I think it's sensible to wait, but not indefinitely. Set yourself a fixed timeframe for how long you are prepared to wait before moving on. You've said your piece about R. Now get back onto the 180 and stick to it.
Be prepared for the possibility that she might never want to R.