She's afraid that I'll never be able to forgive her, she said it kills her knowing how disgusted and ashamed I am of her...and so on.
How was she able to forgive you for your affairs? Remember that you cannot claim the moral high ground since you cheated on her in the past, so ask her. If she's truly forgiven you for yours then tell her you can do the same but to give you some healthy processing time.
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3. Sign a post-nup giving me all of our belongings and full custody if she cheats on me again (not sure this is legal, but regardless if it isn't I'll have something drawn up even if it can't be used in court)
I would nix this one. Many women have the need to feel secure emotionally and financially. This one may have the effect of keeping her detached from you. JMO.
Post Nups are BS. Drop it. I've seen them tossed in court more often than not ( come to think of it I've only seen a few, but the judge just laughed at them all and tossed them). All the W has to say is that she was under stress when she signed and boom! Paper goes into the round file never to be seen again.
Work on your list.
While you're at it. Work on a list of things that you commit to do if R is possible and give that list to her as well. Taking responsibility for your short-comings and committing to fix them goes a long way. But make it clear the affair was her choice and don't let her blame it on things that you did or did not do in the past.
Sounds like you two COULD have a better marriage in the future. Good luck.
Even if a pretup is worthless in court (talk to a lawyer) the statement alone tells your wife how serious you are and how serious it is for her to commit to the marriage.
Having a writen document telling your W that the next time it is over and this is her one and only chance and have her sign this believing she will lose everything if she does it again makes a very loud and clear statement that you are and willing to not tolorating her bad behaviors now or in the future.
Even if a pretup is worthless in court (talk to a lawyer) the statement alone tells your wife how serious you are and how serious it is for her to commit to the marriage.
Having a writen document telling your W that the next time it is over and this is her one and only chance and have her sign this believing she will lose everything if she does it again makes a very loud and clear statement that you are and willing to not tolorating her bad behaviors now or in the future.
From your history, you should put in the post nup, whether its valid or not, that if either spouse cheats the other spouse gets everything. Including primary custody. It may even be more enforceable that way.
The list is fine, but conditions on that list need to apply equally to you if applicable. Although her affair is fresh, you have no solid claim to the high ground.
That means if you have a post-nup, if you cheat, your wife should get all your belongings and full custody. Same goes for transparency. You get her passwords, then she gets yours.
You should also consider asking her if she could prepare a list of things that she wants from you. You both need to do some heavy lifting.
I agree with all of you, this list will apply to both of us. I'm not claiming any kind of moral high ground and I know it will take effort on both our parts to get past this, learn from our mistakes, and create a stronger marriage with one another. But what she did is very fresh, I still have bouts of anger. I'll feel fine, then out of no where the thoughts of what she did will pop into my mind and I'll feel awful. I will admit, it's nice having her back home...and it feels good to see her love for me returning. We'll see what happens
(I'll take the post nup Idea out of the list...seems to negative)
Did she move back home or is she at her Dad's house? Just asking cause in the post above," I will admit, it's nice having her back home", and on the previous post, " I haven't let her move back in yet."
@yardman
Yea she stayed the night Sunday and has gradually been moving her stuff back in.
@turnera
Yes I told her about my cheating. She honestly hasn't really brought it up since the night I told her...I guess b/c we weren't married when it first happened...and seperated and not living together the other time (and she had a phone sex relationship)...she doesn't really believe it compares.
She saw a therapist on Monday, it seemed to go well. He gave her a book to read, "After the Affair: healing the pain and rebuilding trust" (has anyone heard of it?) That night we had a long talk, she feels horrible and disgusted in herself and is fully committed to doing whatever it takes to reconcile. I feel like she is genuinely sorry.
It's crazy how these affairs play out, after reading so many stories on here they are all essentially the same. It's honestly scary to me how a person can completely be transformed by the intoxicating emotions brought on by the excitement of the affair. I wish I would have had the information I have now when I originally discovered it, I handled it totally wrong and probably pushed her closer to him (would have been nice to end this before that night at the hotel). I am happy she's back to "normal", but at the same time MY emotional fog has also began to life...and it's still hard for me to accept what she's done (especially when I sit back and reflect on everything that has happened). This all feels like a nightmare.
@yardman
Yea she stayed the night Sunday and has gradually been moving her stuff back in.
@turnera
Yes I told her about my cheating. She honestly hasn't really brought it up since the night I told her...I guess b/c we weren't married when it first happened...and seperated and not living together the other time (and she had a phone sex relationship)...she doesn't really believe it compares.
She saw a therapist on Monday, it seemed to go well. He gave her a book to read, "After the Affair: healing the pain and rebuilding trust" (has anyone heard of it?) That night we had a long talk, she feels horrible and disgusted in herself and is fully committed to doing whatever it takes to reconcile. I feel like she is genuinely sorry.
It's crazy how these affairs play out, after reading so many stories on here they are all essentially the same. It's honestly scary to me how a person can completely be transformed by the intoxicating emotions brought on by the excitement of the affair. I am happy she's back to "normal", but at the same time MY emotional fog has also began to life...and it's still hard for me to accept what she's done (especially when I sit back and reflect on everything that has happened). This all feels like a nightmare.
Remember that the WS is getting a large dose of dopamine in the brain because of the affair. Dopamine is also released when someone does cocaine. When you think about it in those terms it makes it somewhat less surprising about the personality change. I've read that book. It's very good.
@beowulf
Yep, that's what I keep telling myself...and I think it's honestly the only way I can forgive her...believing that this wasn't really her. Throughout all of this she acted identical to a drug addict (which i sadly have experience with, my dad). She did whatever it took, lied, destroyed relationships, stopping being a mother, didn't care what pain she caused me or those around her...all so she could get her "fix". She acted totally outside her character and sacrificed who she was as a person for this.
Re: Should I kick my wife out or let her stay? 
). I am happy she's back to "normal", but at the same time MY emotional fog has also began to life...and it's still hard for me to accept what she's done (especially when I sit back and reflect on everything that has happened). This all feels like a nightmare.
