I'm in a pretty difficult situation with my wife (perhaps what you guys would call limbo?). She cheated on me and no longer wants to be with me, but is fine living together for the time being. She regrets cheating and is going to start seeing a therapist to help herself out (not marriage counselling). She has promised that while living together and still being married, she will be faithful and not talk to or see other men (she says she has no interest right now). I still love her and I'd like to give our marriage a chance, but I obviously can't change how she feels and I don't want to come off as weak. I thought perhaps letting her stay, at least for the holidays, would be better for our two kids and perhaps give her a chance to realize what she's throwing away (we had a happy loving marriage up until her mental break down a month ago). In the meantime, I'd be looking for a job and saving up money to eventually move out ...should she not wake up.
Currently, I am laid off and have no money to move out and find a place of my own. She's working and paying the bills. I have no family/friends in the area I can live with either. So my only other option would be to kick her out and she'd be forced to either live with her dad or one of her friends. This is definitely the harder of the two options. I'd have no money (looking desperately for a job now) and I feel that kicking her out would leave us zero hope of working things out and it would essentially be the nail in the coffin. This would leave me in our home with all of the responsibility of taking care of the kids and running the house hold...and give her the freedom to live the single life with zero responsibility (that doesn't seem fair to me?).
The past 2 1/2 since her affair we have been living together and it has been up and down, i'd say for the most part it's been fine. Some days are good, we've even had fun...going out on dates and such (we are still intimate together and having sex a lot). Other days, the days when I can't get the mental images of what she did out of my head are bad and knowing that she has no intention of giving our marriage a chance doesn't help either. Lately, I have constantly been bringing it up and talking about it and wanting to know the details and it's been exhausting her and it's definitely pushing her further away. I realize that its probably best for me to stop talking about it and concentrate on myself for the time being, but its easier said than done.
Unless things are different in your neck of the woods, you can't simply "kick her out". You can ask her to leave, try to convince her to leave, make her life unpleasant enough that she voluntarily wants to leave... But you can't force her out of the house.
You can, however, distance yourself from her within the house. Separate sleeping arrangements, separate social arrangements, etc. And no sex until she commits to the marriage again!
In the meantime, it would obviously be in your best interest to get yourself self supporting. You can't depend on her.
Unless things are different in your neck of the woods, you can't simply "kick her out". You can ask her to leave, try to convince her to leave, make her life unpleasant enough that she voluntarily wants to leave... But you can't force her out of the house.
You can, however, distance yourself from her within the house. Separate sleeping arrangements, separate social arrangements, etc. And no sex until she commits to the marriage again!
In the meantime, it would obviously be in your best interest to get yourself self supporting. You can't depend on her.
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She has agreed to leave if I want her too. And ya, no sex would be more of a punishment to me then it would be to her. Maybe theres something wrong with me even wanting to touch her, but she's beautiful and I'm still highly attracted to her. But I agree, I should stop it.
Hope you find employment soon.
Is she still working in the bar?
Best sounding result to me would be that you find work, she quits the bar, and her affair fog evaporates
Yea, Michigan is a rough place to find a decent job right now
She's not quiting the bar and I haven't really asked her too. She wants to work there during the holiday rush (its in a mall), after that she said she'd look for another job.
I'm hoping that fog does evaporate and she starts seeing clearly (hopefully her therapist will help with that), she was an amazing person before all of this.
Ya, I figured you guys would get upset with that. Like I said, I'm attracted to her and have needs
I agree though, I should stop and show a bit more self control.
but the main problem is that she has established that she doesn't want to work on R, therefore you need to start detaching and showing yourself that you will be just fine without her, that includes the sex
another point- she cheated on you and could still be cheating on you and give you an std
I get that you have needs and find her attractive.
If you do have sex with her again, what would her reaction be if you used a condom? That would definately send her a message if it's not something you normally do.
You also need to show her that there's a price to be paid for her refusal to commit to your marriage. Why should she change anything if there is no reason to?
I get that you have needs and find her attractive.
If you do have sex with her again, what would her reaction be if you used a condom? That would definately send her a message if it's not something you normally do.
Haha ya, I suppose that would send a pretty strong message. And I agree Bear, she's gotta realize she can't have the life we once shared because of her decisions. I get that. I guess it seems like if I detach myself from her, it just makes it easier for her to let go...same goes with her moving out. Perhaps I'll move down to our basement and stop sleeping in the same bed with her though.
Anyhow, back on topic. Anyone else have any input?
I had a good male work friend who went through this with his wife. He let her stay even after she offered to move out because he was still very much in love with her. It worked for about a year or so. Then she started bringing men into the home for the night while he slept on the couch. He was really messed up at work but he wouldn't ask her to leave or leave himself. He was just sure she would come around if he had her stay around, even when she was bringing men into the home. I'm not saying your wife would ever do this and this has always been my view of the worst case scenario, but be sure that she understands that there are absolute rules if she remains. It's kind of a catch 22 because she knew your rules before obviously and broke them, but if you're going to try this make sure you guys are on the same page.
I had a good male work friend who went through this with his wife. He let her stay even after she offered to move out because he was still very much in love with her. It worked for about a year or so. Then she started bringing men into the home for the night while he slept on the couch. He was really messed up at work but he wouldn't ask her to leave or leave himself. He was just sure she would come around if he had her stay around, even when she was bringing men into the home. I'm not saying your wife would ever do this and this has always been my view of the worst case scenario, but be sure that she understands that there are absolute rules if she remains. It's kind of a catch 22 because she knew your rules before obviously and broke them, but if you're going to try this make sure you guys are on the same page.
I was out of state working when she cheated But ya, I would def. be long gone before it ever got to that point. If things have changed after the holidays, one of us is going...This is honestly the worst moment in my life, I can't get what she did out of my head...and living here with her makes it hard to just hold it all in.
Should I kick my wife out or let her stay? 
