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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-24-2011, 01:33 AM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Affair with my neighbor

If by any chance the poster is still reading, I wanted to point out something he mentioned for him to ponder.

He and his wife have discussed divorce twice, but the affair supposedly only started recently. However, he's known his affair partner for years since she's a close neighbor and friend.

Unhappy, take a long hard look at the past. If at any point in time (even before the affair) you compared your wife to this neighbor or imagined how it might be if your wife could be more like her or enjoyed the occasional "what if" fantasy, then you were not 100% devoted and focused on making your marriage work. Those divorce discussions may have been over real marital concerns, but if you had visions of the neighbor at the corners of your mind during those talks, even hypothetical unrealized visions, then you were already checked out of your marriage. If that is the case, you never gave your wife and family the chance they deserved.

Regardless, there is no clean way to divorce. But you do owe your wife, the mother of your children, the truth. Your children may hate you for choosing another woman over their mother, but they may forgive you someday as long as you're honest with them. Believe it or not, the lies compound the hurt. Tell your wife the truth and let her decide if you get to go quietly off with your lover. However, she may prefer to shout it from the rooftops that you're a cheater. Exposure of your affair should be her choice, not yours. And no guilting her into silence. You support every decision she needs to help her through your abandonment. You've already failed her by cheating, you will fail her by leaving, do not fail her even more by lying.
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Old 11-24-2011, 01:39 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Affair with my neighbor

WAKE UP!!! its NOT real. I hope you know what a mess you are in and how you have lost hope in your marriage and allowed this to happen. I can't emphasise enough to WAKE UP!!!
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Old 11-24-2011, 04:13 AM   #48 (permalink)
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let me start by saying I know I am wrong, but I have done what I have done and can't take it back at this point.
About 2 1/2 months ago I started to have an affair with my neighbor. We are both married; me 14yrs and her 12 yrs. We both have children who are friends and we have always spent a lot of time together. It all started off innocently enough and over the years we flirted and started to become emotionally attached. We are both in marriages that we ok on the surface but had underlying issues. my wife and I have twice thought about divorce and both times found ways to make it work. Again we were going through a bad phase and then this happened.
I don't want to continue in my current marriage and I am in love with my neighbor. I have know her for 9 years and the emotional part of our relashionship has been growing over that time. Now that we have the ability to express our feelings to each other our love has just blossomed so fast. I guess I just am not sure how to proceed with this. I don't want to hurt our kids but I don't want to remain married to someone I just don't love anymore. I know that infidelity is not the answer, but that ship has sailed and is not coming back. I want to try to get out of my marriage without her knowing what happened but fear that once I start a relashionship with this woman it will be known. I want to know if it is worth taking the chance so I don't completely destroy our families by having this come out.

I know I will get a lot of people telling me how horrible I am. Yes you are right, I am. Please try to help me figure out though how to best handle this situation without it going so horribly wrong for the innocent parties.
Congratulations. You've pushed the meltdown button on your marriage, Your neighbour's marriage, and the lives and happiness of children. Your wife is going to look at you with a horror and despair that you will never understad, and she will never recover from. And it's your fault. Yours. I hope you are proud. your family friends are going to have to pick sides, and they won't pick yours. Your personal friends may stand by you but they will be talking about you behind your back and will think you are a ****. People are going to have to move house. People may fail at their jobs.

And

Your wife will be utterly, utterly devastated. Not a tad pissed off. Not a little bit missed. Not upset. Devastated. You will destroy her as a person. She will lose all self respect and self esteem. She will become a zombie, unable to dress herself or prevent herself from crying one moment and screaming the next. She will lose all confidence, all sexual desire. she will require constant reassurance, and constant love and attention. and the one person who is supposed to provide all of this is the one person who did it to her.

Just because you weren't man enough to step up and fix your marriage. You took the coward's way out. And you're still looking for the coward's way out.

From my perspective you do have a decision to make. But it's going to be tough. And I doubt you're man enough. The right thing to do is to put the kids with a sitter for evening, sit your wife down, explain everything, and beg, BEG for her to give you another chance. Tell her you will change as a person, tell her you will do anything and everything she asks. Tell her she will be the centre of your world, every moment of every day. Tell her you will spend your ENTIRE LIFE seeking her trust and forgiveness. She may not even give you the time of day, but at least you'll have been a man just once.

Because the meltdown is coming. forget about the man you were. That man is a pathetic excuse for a human being who betrayed the one person he SWORE not to betray. Your decision now is not how do you avoid a meltdown, but what kind of man do you want your wife to think you are in the future. A coward, and forever a coward, or someone that made a terrible, terrible mistake, but is decent enough to have stepped up and owned up to it without being caught, and courageous enough to commit to atoning for his selfish action.

So put on your man suit, and zip it the f*ck up.




EDIT: I have to admit there may be a teeny, weeny possibility that this post has somewhat triggered me...
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Old 11-24-2011, 04:41 AM   #49 (permalink)
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I am the betrayed EX spouse. When I found out about the affair, I requested MC but ex was so driven by lust or escapism that he declined. I filed for divorce and was divorced 4 months later.

Let me tell you it was hell for me. Hell. I told him he may regret this because we had been best friends. Now he is away for 2 months visiting friends and family. Always running away.

I have no doubt this will catch up to him.

I wish you luck. I am eternally grateful that I wasn't the one to do this. I can't imagine what's going on inside your head and what your future will be a year from now.

My conscience is nice and clean. And my next relationship I will be loyal again.

Courage is a difficult attribute but all of us BS's have it, the betrayer does not. Good luck getting that backbone.
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Old 11-24-2011, 03:12 PM   #50 (permalink)
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Looks like we got bored.
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Old 11-24-2011, 03:57 PM   #51 (permalink)
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For those of you who have gone thru what the OP is going thru,you know he is hearing here what he doesn't want to hear. He probably needs to live out his fantasy with this 'ANGEL' he thinks he has found to save his soul and life from such misery that he didn't deserve with his wife. Doubt he will even peek back here again at this point and if his neighbors wife fails to be the 'ANGEL' he has always wanted then he will probably try again and again till he realizes that there is no woman that will fill this void for him. Seems to me he has read to many fairy book tales that end with...'And they lived happily ever after'.
Lol,geesh,how life and failed love affairs make you bitter and funny at the same time.Can you say 'STUPUITT IDGIT BOYS AND GIRLS?'. Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood a beautiful day in the neighborhood,won't you be my...'.
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:09 PM   #52 (permalink)
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My husband cheated on me a month after we got married...I knew the whole time but he denied it the whole 1.5 years. He finally confessed January of this year (via e-mail). 2 months later the OW dumped him and charged him with criminal harassment.

Moral of the story? What goes around, comes around. Karma IS, and always will be, a *****.
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:10 PM   #53 (permalink)
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Ok, I haven't run and I sure as hell didn't hide. I appreciate those of you who gave me something constructive to work with. For the rest of you, yes I am everything you called me but offered nothing but childish remarks that did nothing other than make me think a little less of you or your opinion.
I now think I get how this is going to happen and that's the reason I asked. Before I made a dumb decision I wanted to hear what could honestly happen. Yes I am living out a fantasy and yes it was wrong. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would do this so I needed to find a place where people had been through what I am going through and hear what they honestly had to say.
With that being said, I will break this off tomorrow because it can only end in ruin. I will be a man and confess to what I've done and see if I can find a way to fix what I myself destroyed. I don't expect that I will be afforded that opportunity, but I think it'ss the right thing to do at this point.
Again thanks to those that found it in them to tell me the truth without all the name calling, it honestly helped and that's what I thought this was for. As for the rest of you, I may have failed at my marriage, my parenting and my life but you are just as hollow of a human being for thinking that people can't change or see the forest through the trees and resort to childish antics to appease your warped sense of self importance. that was helpful.


To all Thank you very much. I will come back and give updates as each step of the process goes on.
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:13 PM   #54 (permalink)
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Also, Husbaninpain:

Thank you, although harsh yours was constructive and it meant a lot to me. seriously, Thank you.
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Old 11-24-2011, 11:22 PM   #55 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Ok, I haven't run and I sure as hell didn't hide. I appreciate those of you who gave me something constructive to work with. For the rest of you, yes I am everything you called me but offered nothing but childish remarks that did nothing other than make me think a little less of you or your opinion.
I now think I get how this is going to happen and that's the reason I asked. Before I made a dumb decision I wanted to hear what could honestly happen. Yes I am living out a fantasy and yes it was wrong. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would do this so I needed to find a place where people had been through what I am going through and hear what they honestly had to say.
With that being said, I will break this off tomorrow because it can only end in ruin. I will be a man and confess to what I've done and see if I can find a way to fix what I myself destroyed. I don't expect that I will be afforded that opportunity, but I think it'ss the right thing to do at this point.
Again thanks to those that found it in them to tell me the truth without all the name calling, it honestly helped and that's what I thought this was for. As for the rest of you, I may have failed at my marriage, my parenting and my life but you are just as hollow of a human being for thinking that people can't change or see the forest through the trees and resort to childish antics to appease your warped sense of self importance. that was helpful.


To all Thank you very much. I will come back and give updates as each step of the process goes on.
Let us know what your wifes reaction to your confession was. I'd love to know.
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Old 11-25-2011, 05:04 AM   #56 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saffron View Post
If by any chance the poster is still reading, I wanted to point out something he mentioned for him to ponder.

He and his wife have discussed divorce twice, but the affair supposedly only started recently. However, he's known his affair partner for years since she's a close neighbor and friend.

Unhappy, take a long hard look at the past. If at any point in time (even before the affair) you compared your wife to this neighbor or imagined how it might be if your wife could be more like her or enjoyed the occasional "what if" fantasy, then you were not 100% devoted and focused on making your marriage work. Those divorce discussions may have been over real marital concerns, but if you had visions of the neighbor at the corners of your mind during those talks, even hypothetical unrealized visions, then you were already checked out of your marriage. If that is the case, you never gave your wife and family the chance they deserved.

Regardless, there is no clean way to divorce. But you do owe your wife, the mother of your children, the truth. Your children may hate you for choosing another woman over their mother, but they may forgive you someday as long as you're honest with them. Believe it or not, the lies compound the hurt. Tell your wife the truth and let her decide if you get to go quietly off with your lover. However, she may prefer to shout it from the rooftops that you're a cheater. Exposure of your affair should be her choice, not yours. And no guilting her into silence. You support every decision she needs to help her through your abandonment. You've already failed her by cheating, you will fail her by leaving, do not fail her even more by lying.
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Saffron,

You make some very good points. I don't honestly think that I viewed her in that way in the past, but I can't honestly rule it out either. We have been with them for 9 years and I think that when things started to fall apart, I started to wonder if it did what would I do. Yes, that is the wrong way to look at it, but I think it's something most people in their late 30's would do faced with the possibility of ending a relashionship that has been going on for close to 20 years. I did try to make it work and I did change a lot about myself. I am not perfect nor did I expect her to be. I was told when I got married that you should marry the person for who they are and not have any expectation of changing them. I believe that, however I also think that people do change and it's when those changes are negative it starts to affect how you feel about someone. I won't sit and makes excuses for what I did. I will end my affair today, I think that is the first step to take. I will tell my wife about it, however I will wait until after the holiday's. I think that is the right thing to do for her and my kids. I will not ask her to hide it or conceal it. This is on me and I do believe that I deserve what I have coming to me.
I am not the horrible person I seem like. I did make a horrible mistake and that I can not take back. I wish I had come here sonner to find out how to fix my marriage before I let it get to this point. Thank you for your advise, it was one of the posts that helped me figure this out. I came looking for an answer to the impossible question and instead got a dose of reality and I appreciate that.
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Old 11-25-2011, 07:09 AM   #57 (permalink)
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Unhappy. I wish you the best of luck. I truly do. I've been where you're about to be and it isn't fun. You'll find the people here much more understanding if you're working toward the truth and atoning for your actions. They'll still smack you across the face if they think you need it, but you will get more support than you have so far.

I would suggest one thing. IMO you need to tell your wife first - for two reasons. One, it takes away any possibility that in the break up with your AP that your wife finds out from anyone other than you which you don't want to have happen. Two. Quitting an affair is very hard. You'll be tempted to go back, likely horribly so. If you tell your wife first you're committed, there is no going back. Personally I would never have been able to quit my affair if I had not had to be accountable to my wife.

Don't let the holidays slow you down. If you wait she'll only look back on them as a lie, any memory made will be ruined. The truth is the 2011 holidays are ruined for you and your wife no matter what. If you tell her now at least any memories she makes will be genuine.

Good luck man. You're doing the right thing.
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Old 11-25-2011, 07:35 AM   #58 (permalink)
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So glad to hear you have made this decision! Specially as I am going through a separation myself (I'll spare you the details) and I've just had my sweet 4year old daughter ask me "mommy, does daddy not like you, does he hate you?" A child should NEVER EVER have to ask these questions, let alone even think it!! my response ofcourse was "NO, daddy loves me very much" and that's all she will ever know. I hope that you will understand how much care and patience you will all need in the next few months but there is always hope. All my best to you. Btw, I didnt want to give too much of my opinion, not being a bloke myself I thought it best for the men here to give you their thoughts on your situation.
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Old 11-25-2011, 07:49 AM   #59 (permalink)
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Thanks Sigma I will take your advise. You are most likely correct. My thoughts were that if I broke it off at least I could tell her that and hope that makes some small difference. On the other hand, if I don't and it gets out from anyone other than me, she will not believe that was ever my intention. I will take that advise and again, I know I deserve whatever comes my way, I just hope that I can minimize the collateral damage to everyone else especially my kids.
Iamchanging, also thank you. My children are very important to me and although I made a foolish and heartless decision, they were my only thought and I certainly did not want them to be hurt. I realized reading everything that what I was going to do would devastate them. Period. My wife and I have problems and we need to fix them, not run and try to find the answer in someone else. If we can't then we need to part as calmly as possible and get on with our lives. I hope we can, and I am not sure what kind of strain this will put on it but I have to do the honorable thing and tell her the truth. Thanks again to all that tried to help. You did.
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Old 11-25-2011, 08:43 AM   #60 (permalink)
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Speaking as someone who cheated on her husband, I get a lot of what your saying, in the beginning you were ready to give it all up because someone else made you feel good inside. Believe me, it doesn't last, it is a fantasy. I'm glad you decided to come clean with your wife, and end the affair. Not sure if it will make a difference in your situation that you tell her before she finds out, but give it a shot.

You have a tough road a head of you, but like the advice I have been given, show her how much you are devoted to her, and how you want to re-build a happy marriage. Remember actions say it all.

Good luck
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