Affair with my neighbor
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-23-2011, 12:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Affair with my neighbor

let me start by saying I know I am wrong, but I have done what I have done and can't take it back at this point.
About 2 1/2 months ago I started to have an affair with my neighbor. We are both married; me 14yrs and her 12 yrs. We both have children who are friends and we have always spent a lot of time together. It all started off innocently enough and over the years we flirted and started to become emotionally attached. We are both in marriages that we ok on the surface but had underlying issues. my wife and I have twice thought about divorce and both times found ways to make it work. Again we were going through a bad phase and then this happened.
I don't want to continue in my current marriage and I am in love with my neighbor. I have know her for 9 years and the emotional part of our relashionship has been growing over that time. Now that we have the ability to express our feelings to each other our love has just blossomed so fast. I guess I just am not sure how to proceed with this. I don't want to hurt our kids but I don't want to remain married to someone I just don't love anymore. I know that infidelity is not the answer, but that ship has sailed and is not coming back. I want to try to get out of my marriage without her knowing what happened but fear that once I start a relashionship with this woman it will be known. I want to know if it is worth taking the chance so I don't completely destroy our families by having this come out.

I know I will get a lot of people telling me how horrible I am. Yes you are right, I am. Please try to help me figure out though how to best handle this situation without it going so horribly wrong for the innocent parties.
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:13 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Affair with my neighbor

fun stat for you


3% of affair relationships last long term

so you are throwing everything away for a really small chance at happiness

the truth is that your "love" for your neighbor is all mostly based in fantasy, once those endorphins of having exciting secret sex and professions of love wear off in the light of exposure, you are left with the reality of a real relationship with the same sort of problems all couples have and then add in the fact that neither of you will ever trust each other since you are both cheaters.
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Affair with my neighbor

....if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all....maybe I'll come back later and give you some good, hearty constructive advice when I've cooled off. Sorry, but you just totally triggered me. But, so you are warned, you will NOT hear what you want to hear on here. However, we do hope you will take all advice given to you to heart. It is for your own good no matter how much you will hate it.
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Is it worth it? Not really. But you probably should get a divorce, regardless of if you take up with the neighbor. Your spouse deserves better.
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Affair with my neighbor

Look in the mirror and you'll see who is playing who as the fool.

Let me tell you what is going to happen. You are going to ask your wife for a divorce. Your neighbor is going to ask her husband for a divorce. They will talk to each other and do the math. Both families will be destroyed. Either your family or her family will have to move because of the shame.

But let's say that she confesses to her husband and wants to reconcile. Meanwhile, your wife is putting your stuff on the curb and sending you on your way. Now you have no one. No lover, no family.

There are many other possible outcomes as well. But these are the most likely.

Do your wife a favor, file for divorce and confess the affair. Let the neighbors do what they want.

Oh, and I'm a cheater as well. Welcome to hell.
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Affair with my neighbor

You are in the fog. You are chasing a fantasy. In real life a wife must help you raise the kids, address bills and deal with real issues. An affair partner is nothing but sunshine and roses. No heavy lifting, just fun romance. Once you have her the newness will wear off, and real life will kick you in the butt once again. The only difference now is that your kids and friends will never fully respect you, and you will always know deep down inside that your new wife is capable of cheating on you when things are not going well, and she will know the same thing about you. You will be in a relationship where both of you have good reason not to trust the other when the chips are down.

Although you are too deep in the fantasy to know it, this will not end well for you. Sadly it will also not go well for your children either. My dad cheated on my mother, they got divorced and my life was never the same afterwords. Now that my dad is old, when he asks what happened to my relationship with him, I tell him the name of the OW is what happened (BTW my dad and the OW did not stay together very long after my mother found out, and it was my dad that ended up trying to stop the divorce, but he came out of the fog too late). I wish you nothing, but do pray for your children.

Last edited by TRy; 11-23-2011 at 01:02 PM.
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:45 PM   #7 (permalink)
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What do you think your neighbor's husband will do to you when he finds out?
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
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As someone who cheated... I don't see an "easy" way out for you, if you're going to try to keep your neighbor in your life. And as others have mentioned, your odds of a successful marriage are very low regardless.

In any case, if you're not willing to fix your marriage, end it. What you're doing now is not fair to your wife, and you know it.

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Old 11-23-2011, 12:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unhappy1973 View Post
Please try to help me figure out though how to best handle this situation without it going so horribly wrong for the innocent parties.

kinda late for that, isn't it?
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
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What do you think your neighbor's husband will do to you when he finds out?
Hopefully his neighbor isn't willing to do jail time to teach both of these selfish insensitive individuals a lesson they won't soon forget!
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
the truth is that your "love" for your neighbor is all mostly based in fantasy, once those endorphins of having exciting secret sex and professions of love wear off in the light of exposure, you are left with the reality of a real relationship with the same sort of problems all couples have and then add in the fact that neither of you will ever trust each other since you are both cheaters.
This is the reality. This is exactly what is going on.

Guess what you should do.

1. Stop the affair immediately and have no more contact
2. Confess to your wife
3. Work on your marriage with everything youve got

Until you understand

A. the fog
B. the endorphins almost recoverd speaks of you are walking blind without a cane

I sincerely hope you figure it out.

My FAV comment from almost recovered is the point that you will have the same problems as all couples have. Infidelity isnt the solutution. That just makes it much much worse.

You have been diverting energy away from giving your wife her due so you can pour it into your affair.

You WILL be found out. Count on it.
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Old 11-23-2011, 01:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Affair with my neighbor

What you 'want' isn't possible.

End your marriage with no disclosure, minimum collateral damage to the kids in both families, and then pick up and move on with your affair partner?

It cannot and will not be 'clean'.

So ... if that is the course you want to follow, then come to terms with 'ugly'. It will sort itself out one way or another within several years ... but make no mistake there will be repercussions.

Move out. Own your sh!t. Try to use some excuse to dodge the bullet with your wife, and it will eventually come around ... and be far, far worse.

The best help I can offer you based upon what you state as the desired outcome, is to simply accept that the circumstance you are in is as ugly as it gets. Watched it happen with my parents. Then had a front row seat in my own marriage.

But, I can tell you that the 'ugly' won't last forever. It will settle out eventually, but it always leaves scars and what you end up with virtually never looks like what you had hoped for.
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Old 11-23-2011, 01:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Affair with my neighbor

These folks know what they are talking about.
I am a cheater, too and can tell you that all of these posts are dead on.
You think you're in heaven right now, but Hell is about to start.
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Old 11-23-2011, 01:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Affair with my neighbor

Anybody with half a brain will be able to figure out that you two had an affair. By wanting to walk away "cleanly" all you are attempting to do is absolve yourself from any responsiblity for two broken families. It is a terribly cowardly thing to do but then your character and hers comes through loud and clear.
If you ever cared about your wife and your mistress ever cared about her husband, the only honorable thing amoungst theives to do is come clean instead of leaving them twisting in the wind as to what went wrong.
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Old 11-23-2011, 01:30 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DanF View Post
These folks know what they are talking about.
I am a cheater, too and can tell you that all of these posts are dead on.
You think you're in heaven right now, but Hell is about to start.


Except I am the betrayed spouse, not the cheater.

Wake up and smell the coffee, my friend. Wake up.
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