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Affair with my neighbor

76K views 86 replies 46 participants last post by  GROUNDPOUNDER 
#1 ·
let me start by saying I know I am wrong, but I have done what I have done and can't take it back at this point.
About 2 1/2 months ago I started to have an affair with my neighbor. We are both married; me 14yrs and her 12 yrs. We both have children who are friends and we have always spent a lot of time together. It all started off innocently enough and over the years we flirted and started to become emotionally attached. We are both in marriages that we ok on the surface but had underlying issues. my wife and I have twice thought about divorce and both times found ways to make it work. Again we were going through a bad phase and then this happened.
I don't want to continue in my current marriage and I am in love with my neighbor. I have know her for 9 years and the emotional part of our relashionship has been growing over that time. Now that we have the ability to express our feelings to each other our love has just blossomed so fast. I guess I just am not sure how to proceed with this. I don't want to hurt our kids but I don't want to remain married to someone I just don't love anymore. I know that infidelity is not the answer, but that ship has sailed and is not coming back. I want to try to get out of my marriage without her knowing what happened but fear that once I start a relashionship with this woman it will be known. I want to know if it is worth taking the chance so I don't completely destroy our families by having this come out.

I know I will get a lot of people telling me how horrible I am. Yes you are right, I am. Please try to help me figure out though how to best handle this situation without it going so horribly wrong for the innocent parties.
 
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#2 ·
fun stat for you


3% of affair relationships last long term

so you are throwing everything away for a really small chance at happiness

the truth is that your "love" for your neighbor is all mostly based in fantasy, once those endorphins of having exciting secret sex and professions of love wear off in the light of exposure, you are left with the reality of a real relationship with the same sort of problems all couples have and then add in the fact that neither of you will ever trust each other since you are both cheaters.
 
#11 ·
the truth is that your "love" for your neighbor is all mostly based in fantasy, once those endorphins of having exciting secret sex and professions of love wear off in the light of exposure, you are left with the reality of a real relationship with the same sort of problems all couples have and then add in the fact that neither of you will ever trust each other since you are both cheaters.
:iagree: This is the reality. This is exactly what is going on.

Guess what you should do.

1. Stop the affair immediately and have no more contact
2. Confess to your wife
3. Work on your marriage with everything youve got

Until you understand

A. the fog
B. the endorphins almost recoverd speaks of you are walking blind without a cane

I sincerely hope you figure it out.

My FAV comment from almost recovered is the point that you will have the same problems as all couples have. Infidelity isnt the solutution. That just makes it much much worse.

You have been diverting energy away from giving your wife her due so you can pour it into your affair.

You WILL be found out. Count on it.
 
#3 ·
....if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all....maybe I'll come back later and give you some good, hearty constructive advice when I've cooled off. Sorry, but you just totally triggered me. But, so you are warned, you will NOT hear what you want to hear on here. However, we do hope you will take all advice given to you to heart. It is for your own good no matter how much you will hate it.
 
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#5 ·
Look in the mirror and you'll see who is playing who as the fool.

Let me tell you what is going to happen. You are going to ask your wife for a divorce. Your neighbor is going to ask her husband for a divorce. They will talk to each other and do the math. Both families will be destroyed. Either your family or her family will have to move because of the shame.

But let's say that she confesses to her husband and wants to reconcile. Meanwhile, your wife is putting your stuff on the curb and sending you on your way. Now you have no one. No lover, no family.

There are many other possible outcomes as well. But these are the most likely.

Do your wife a favor, file for divorce and confess the affair. Let the neighbors do what they want.

Oh, and I'm a cheater as well. Welcome to hell.
 
#6 · (Edited)
You are in the fog. You are chasing a fantasy. In real life a wife must help you raise the kids, address bills and deal with real issues. An affair partner is nothing but sunshine and roses. No heavy lifting, just fun romance. Once you have her the newness will wear off, and real life will kick you in the butt once again. The only difference now is that your kids and friends will never fully respect you, and you will always know deep down inside that your new wife is capable of cheating on you when things are not going well, and she will know the same thing about you. You will be in a relationship where both of you have good reason not to trust the other when the chips are down.

Although you are too deep in the fantasy to know it, this will not end well for you. Sadly it will also not go well for your children either. My dad cheated on my mother, they got divorced and my life was never the same afterwords. Now that my dad is old, when he asks what happened to my relationship with him, I tell him the name of the OW is what happened (BTW my dad and the OW did not stay together very long after my mother found out, and it was my dad that ended up trying to stop the divorce, but he came out of the fog too late). I wish you nothing, but do pray for your children.
 
#8 ·
As someone who cheated... I don't see an "easy" way out for you, if you're going to try to keep your neighbor in your life. And as others have mentioned, your odds of a successful marriage are very low regardless.

In any case, if you're not willing to fix your marriage, end it. What you're doing now is not fair to your wife, and you know it.

C
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#18 ·
My thoughts exactly. If you wanted to get out of this without broken lives, sounds like this question should've come up a very long time ago. I've seen this story replayed here many times. When it starts with " I'm having an affair..." somebody's gonna get burned in a bad way.
 
#12 ·
What you 'want' isn't possible.

End your marriage with no disclosure, minimum collateral damage to the kids in both families, and then pick up and move on with your affair partner?

It cannot and will not be 'clean'.

So ... if that is the course you want to follow, then come to terms with 'ugly'. It will sort itself out one way or another within several years ... but make no mistake there will be repercussions.

Move out. Own your sh!t. Try to use some excuse to dodge the bullet with your wife, and it will eventually come around ... and be far, far worse.

The best help I can offer you based upon what you state as the desired outcome, is to simply accept that the circumstance you are in is as ugly as it gets. Watched it happen with my parents. Then had a front row seat in my own marriage.

But, I can tell you that the 'ugly' won't last forever. It will settle out eventually, but it always leaves scars and what you end up with virtually never looks like what you had hoped for.
 
#13 ·
These folks know what they are talking about.
I am a cheater, too and can tell you that all of these posts are dead on.
You think you're in heaven right now, but Hell is about to start.
 
#14 ·
Anybody with half a brain will be able to figure out that you two had an affair. By wanting to walk away "cleanly" all you are attempting to do is absolve yourself from any responsiblity for two broken families. It is a terribly cowardly thing to do but then your character and hers comes through loud and clear.
If you ever cared about your wife and your mistress ever cared about her husband, the only honorable thing amoungst theives to do is come clean instead of leaving them twisting in the wind as to what went wrong.
 
#19 ·
You should have never spent time alone with the neighbor woman. You blew it.
Tell your wife what you have done and see what she has to say.
She might leave you and you will be free to find someone you 'love'.
If she doesn't leave you, you have one heck of a woman. You need to re-examine who she really is. You obviously have no clue who your wife is OR you would never have done that to her.
You DO know who the neighbor woman is....someone who will cross boundaries with men when she is in a 'committed' relationship/marriage. She may look like a great match for you but she is not a very together or real woman. You and the neighbor women are faux romantic fools.
 
#20 ·
Coward.

Not only did you betray you wife, but you stole your children's family from them. Oh, and you've ended their ability to be friends with your neightbors kids, and you've help end the neightbors family and marriage.

Way to go big guy.

Now you want to slink off, ditch your wife though divorce without her learning you are cheater. I guess she might figure out what you've done when you hookup with your OW and shack up.

I hope when the OMW finds out - you get some up close and personal feedback on your trashing his marriage.

So what do you want from us? Support for your cowardly cheating? A medal, perhaps sympathy and advice on how to continue being a coward?

Want advice- man the heck up - end the affair - throw yourself at your wife's mercy and spend the rest of your life making it up to her and your kids.

but you won't - because you are just another coward and cheat who thinks they've found true love.

well at least give your kids one last christmas as a part of a family, because it looks like it will be their last forever.
 
#21 ·
sorry, your all wasting your breath.

Your talking to someone who is as high as a kite. He's not listening. Even if he's reading all this, its boucing off.

because.... No one understands, its different for them. Everyone will be happy for them when they understand this is true love, it was meant to be. True love conquers all.

My suggestion is that you keep lying, hiding, faking, & betraying everyone until you can be together... Then it's all going to be alright.

lol.

ps. I know nothing I could say could possibly have any impact what so ever on what you crazy kids do... The wheels are in motion and your soaring at 50,000 feet....

But, take a look out the window.... The wings just came off....

Happy landing.
 
#30 ·
Yes, they really do. They fully expect us to embrace them and tell them that all will be ok. They expect a conversation to go something like this:

SLIMEWEASEL CRAP SACK CHEATER: I'm having an affair on my spouse, I know it's wrong but we are SO in love (note how they always say it's wrong but...)

US: Oh? Yes, it is wrong but it's love you say?

SLIMEWEASEL CRAP SACK CHEATER: Yes, it's love. My spouse doesn't give me any attention, and we've been drifting apart for years now. I love my spouse but I'm not in love and I deserve to be happy (see how it goes from knowing its wrong to blame shifting onto the spouse)

US: You know what. You are so right! How dare your horrid spouse, who we all bet has some sort of foul, repulsive body odor, not give you the attention you deserve. We don't blame you for finding love with someone else. In fact, we all bet that the new love is wonderful and smells lovely too.

SLIMEWEASEL CRAP SACK CHEATER: yes, my lover makes me very happy. They understand me and my spouse doesn't. If my spouse would have only listened to me when I needed them to, then I never would have fallen in love with someone else. They washed my undies with a red sock, now I have to wear pink undies and everyone makes fun of me. It's all my spouse's fault.

US: oh no! Not pink undies! You must divorce your spouse right away and marry your lovely-smelling lover. It is only right! You deserve white undies and someone who smells nice.

SLIMEWEASEL CRAP SACK CHEATER: Thank you for understanding. Yes, my spouse does smell very foul and pink undies make my ass look big, and this is why I can't wear undies when I am with my lover.

US: Awwwww, you poor unfortunate soul. How awful it must be for you to be married to that funky, foul fish who can't even wash laundry. You go be with your lover. It is only right after everything you been though! Oh, and don't worry, your spouse will not only completely understand, but they will give their blessing as well.

Yes, this is crazy and I wrote it that way on purpose. It's crazy because they are crazy! They do fully expect us to be understanding because "it's love"
 
#28 ·
Please try to help me figure out though how to best handle this situation without it going so horribly wrong for the innocent parties.
Well unhappy - on the off chance that you make it this far through the thrashing you're getting I went back and re-read your post and thought I'd actually try to offer some constructive advice to this question of yours quoted above.

What you have to understand is that at this point IT IS GOING TO GO HORRIBLY WRONG FOR THE INNOCENT PARTIES - IT ALREADY HAS THEY JUST DON'T KNOW IT!!

So if you know that, all you can do is hope to minimize how horrible horrible is. How do you do this? THE TRUTH. The cold, hard, honest truth - to everyone. Admit what you've done, pay the prices and suffer the consequences. The cheaters who have replied to you - we've all done it. Yeah it sucks but it's the only chicken salad that can be made out of the big pile of chicken sh!t you and your neighbor have made. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, I know it sounds like I'm advising you to go out and cut your appendages off with a dull knife - but it is the only honorable thing left that you can do.

There is no way to avoid the horrible, no way to avoid the plane crash Pit is talking about. All you can do is try to minimize the damage and this is the only way to do it. Rest assured the truth will come out. Even if you and your neighbor call off the affair and swear each other to secrecy forever more. Sooner or later it will come out. The best way for something like this to come out is for the offending parties to throw themselves on the hand grenade of honesty to minimize the blast damage to those around them.

I hope you've made it this far. I hope you do the right thing - for those around you and for you as well.
 
#33 ·
You know. In the end the thing that busted my wifes affair was me agreeing to everything and not giving a sh1t.

Yes. It was a horrible marriage

Yes. I was horribly abusive during the period when you told me that you were going off with someone else.

The kids will be absolutely fine. They will adjust and be happy. I even found some stats to back it up!

I think you will be very happy together. Lets just split up the assets and move on with life!

I think the reason it worked is that the OP and my Ex knew exactly what they should be doing. They are already beating themselves up about the "children adjusting to a separate life"
More importantly they knew that their affair had a lifespan. It only works when it is part time. By pushing the Affair partners together you force them to look at reality. Which sucks. Big time

You lose 50% access to your kids [at best]
You are financially ruined.
You lose your real partner forever.
You lose your home.
You lose your security
Your children live in poverty, financial and emotional.
and most importantly..
You lose your future. It just vanishes. Affair partners don't look beyond the next meeting. The next email. The next fck.
They pretend to . They pretend they have a plan.

But. Mr OP. What is your plan?
I would really like to know how you imagine this will work out?
 
#34 ·
Ing, don't you know that OP imagines it will all be candy canes, gumdrops and rainbows? Can you not hear the happy music playing in the background? Paper hearts are raining down from the clouds, everyone is merry! BS couldn't be happier that the man she gave her vows to has found someone better, I mean after all, if she truly loved him, she would be happy for him. And the kids, well, the kids are just tickled pink for now they get to live in 2 different houses! How exciting is that for everyone!! And the BS, she is actually relieved to get every other weekend to herself now, so it works out to everyone's favor. And the OW and the BS will be the best of friends too. Let's not forget the betrayed husband too. He's happy to be forking over half his check that his wife can spend on the OM instead of their kids.
 
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