Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
He was a room mate at that point for over 1.5 yrs. I helped her sell the house and move out. She wasnt having sex with another guy either. I dont know where you are gettnig that from. a year before she dated me she date the guy she had a EA with. but since she still had to live under same roof as her ex. he bailed. She doesnt just have sex with anyone and i am her 3rd. While she still owned the house with him and we were dating...she would stay at my house most everynight anyways. this doesnt pertain to anything. she was single and he wouldnt leave the house bc he was on mortgage, which i dont pblame him for not leaving. they didnt move out until a short sale. I understand not living through the facts like i have but that has no bearing here.
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
Ive seen people who got cheated on by the person having sex this was only an EA and people are working that out. If that had happened I wouldnt of even thought about giving her a second chance. the only reason i am is bc before i found out she told him to stop contacting her. I know i might be a little biased and maybe some of you had a spouse that cheated on them and you didnt work out. but this isnt a cookie cutter case. and it is easy to say leave her. maybe bc someone left you. It is easy to be left bc you have no choice. I gave her the out to leave twice. I even said your only staying bc you got caught. crying she told me she would leave now if thats who she wanted and she wouldnt sit through watching me in such pain and living a lie. That opportunity would be her out. But she doesnt want that.
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
Most posters here are saying to divorce because we all know just how damn hard it is to have a successful R even when the cheating spouse does the heavy lifting, thus when they see someone young and just starting their marriage they figure it will be much easier for you to sever ties now than to go through your whole marriage always wondering if she will cheat again (and the chances are good she will)
That said I see no one is convincing you of that yet. Perhaps you need to live through it rather than take our word for it.
So if you want to try R then I will give you the best advice I can
I am on my phone so give me a moment and I will post some things for you when I get to my computer
In the meantime read some of the links in my signature Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
well you've explained away everything quite nicely. it was just a simple mistake in judgement by her, your marriage and your wife are different. We misunderstood.
False alarm. This isn't one of those affairs.
Not a big deal, it'll probably never happen again and Im sure she told you everything. Afterall, she is your wife.
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
OK, then what to do. Rug sweep isn't an option here. She actively hid him from you under a girls name. She clearly knew it was wrong, and clearly was taking steps to conceal her affair.
If you let her stay, she needs to give you full transparency, and send him a full NC letter after she shows it to you.
It needs to be blunt - telling him to stop. He has lost, and to slink back into the swamp.
I'd suggest that she changes her email and phone #, and that she gives you old accounts pwd, and the old phone #. when he reaches out to her, you'll be the one - not him.
He sounds like a sleaze ball, so expect 100% him to come fishing again.
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
i told you all of what i knew and apparently extra stuff that people misjudged as to giving her a history. If she was already planning on telling me and already in texts told him to quit contacting her. that to me seems like a step in the right direction. it was a month in duration as I verified all the phone and text messages via her phone bill. I have told you all thefacts i know. and the first comment out of many were duump her shes a cheater. noones marraige is cookie cutter simple. And you might be able to just cut and run and have been cut from but maybe im stupid we will see. But it is in more depth then alot of these reponses.
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
Thanks shaggy. She already gave me all that info the day of when i found out. she also deleted her facebook. She even deleted her words with friends accoutn bc there is a chat on that....Which i didnt even think of. which really showed me how serious she was. I have been the most pessimistic in the aftermath and have decided to work on the marraige after she already decided to stop contact with him. I even told her that he will come calling again. When i told her to tell himn to never contact her again he responded with. I will always love you...thats when i realized the stance of where they might of been before she tld him it wasnt going to happen.
But I check her phone records her phone to see if she deletes any texts that are on bill and not on phone. I feel wierd snooping but I have too...I have always had all her accounts passwords anyways...we have always been open about everything. thats why it was such a surprise and so obvious that month that it happened
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
lay down what you need for a shot at R-
1) No contact- she is to write a letter to the OM stating that her marriage is her top priority now and that she will no longer want any contact at all with him and he is to never to contact her again. If the OM contacts her then she is to ignore it and tell you of it right away (she should shut down her accounts or block them depending on the venue of communication)
2) Complete transparency- she is to give up all passwords to every email or account, allow you access to her phone when you want and tell you of her actions and where she is going. She cannot complain if you are snooping and allow to do what you need to verify her actions. IOW her privacy is now null and void. You should also without telling her install spy tech to verify this. Use VAR's, keyloggers, GPS, etc
3) She has to demonstrate true remorse by not only words by her actions- she has to do the heavy lifting as we say. She must answer everything truthfully and tell you everything right away. If you require her to do IC or MC then she must comply. She has to bear the brunt of your pain.
4) start spending more time together one on one, start finding things to do together and strengthen your bond. Start openly talk about problems and being honest about your needs and wants.
5) You should also look to expose (OM to his wife or SO or his family). Do not tell her that you are exposing.
lastly, as I stated before, I think R might be a mistake for such a young marriage, but it's your choice to make. Do know that it will take 2-5 years to heal from this IF she does the right things, that's quite a chunk of time that could be better spent on someone more deserving.
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
If you are going to R, then "How do I act from here on out?"
Be you. Be the best you, you can be. And the best husband you can be. Take care of your wife. Don't talk about what she did, if you believe she has told you everything.
While doing the above .... Keep your eyes open. Check email, texts, etc. Protect yourself.
Don't have children for a few years. Make sure that she is, who you think she is.
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
No one's trying to attack you, Resentful. It's more "been there, done that."
You say no one's marriage is the same. True enough, but you might well be surprised how many of these wandering spouses do the EXACT SAME THING, over and over and over, ad nauseum.
When people are saying "annulment" or "divorce," it's because your marriage is so new... it's a very bad situation to be in, so early on. Many relationships with years and years behind them can't survive the circumstances you describe!
Almostrecovered makes some excellent points, including his final point... it's a lot of time and energy to heal from this.
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
what is VAR? and R?
Yes I know im taking a big chance in her but she is not this person and she still cant get over it. She thinks she has ruined it forever. and maybe she has
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
Quote:
Originally Posted by resentfulinnovember
what is VAR? and R?
Yes I know im taking a big chance in her but she is not this person and she still cant get over it. She thinks she has ruined it forever. and maybe she has
voice activated recorder and reconciliation
click the newbie link in my signature and go to the second page for the abbreviations of the forum
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out
My advice is divorce her and find someone who will love you and be true to you. You only have one life and you deserve a better life then to be with a cheater. Your dreams with her are smashed at the moment and recovery may happen, but I would not get my hopes up at the moment.
I was where you are at last year, June 2010. Did most of what was required, keylogger, tracking, shared emails, passwords, counseling for me.
But over time I just let my guard down as it was just too damn stressful and our agreement was that it was all on her to keep things honest. That if there was a next time she better tell me and come clean on her own. I told her if there was a next time that it would not go as easy as this time went for her.
I am sure she is doing it again though this time she is more knowlegdeable about technology.
If your spouse is truely remorseful you might have a chance, MIGHT, maybe, perhaps.
I love my wife and she was everything to me and I did not want to lose that. But, she freely gave it away. I did nothing to deserve this.
When she had an EA last year it tore me to bits. Killed something inside me.
I am resilent and have served in the military for over 35 years. I have seen men killed in combat in Iraq, as hard as that was I will say that my wife's EA has been the most horrible emotional experience I have ever gone through. And now it looks as if she has started it all over again. This time I am smarter and have controll over my emotions. I am doing the 180 and she seems clueless.
Cheaters make their own choices. The odds of you surviving this are not very good. Wait till you think you are over it and then wham a trigger sets off rage inside of you and you hold it back and just smile at your wife, who thinks everything is just fine. Wait till your anger builds again and again after you thought the pain and anguish is over. Wait till your adoring bride acts as if nothing ever happened and your heart is still in pieces.
I hope the best for you, but as a professional counselor, who has thousand of hours of clinical experience and also personnal experience, the odds of your spouse following the straight and narrow are not very favorable. We all want the most favorable outcomes. We all believe it can't happen to us. Yet, I was told in training over and over again by professional clinicians that these things can happen to the best of us.
In the end you will make a decision. It will never be the best one. There is no best one. There are no winners in this game we call love when the vows of marriage are broken.
We who have fought in war know that there are no winners. We may feel like victors when the battle is won, but most of us know the pain of loss long after the battle is over.
Re: Caught wife having emotional affair. How do I act from here on out 
