that the cheater was the only one in the marriage whose "needs" were not being met? I am amazed at how the cheater's failure to b meet needs is oftenoverlooked. I see these cooments all the time: Your cheater must have been driven to cheat by failure to have his or her needs met".
Well, guuess what? Many cheaters seem to be bottomless pits of need, under the impression that it is their betrayed spouse's duty to fill the void within them.
And,many,many cheaters were the driving forces behind pre affair marital problems.
So, meet the cheater's needs and suck it up BSs.If you had only met their needs to begin with, none of this would have happened(escuse me while I vomit).
that the cheater was the only one in the marriage whose "needs" were not being met? I am amazed at how the cheater's failure to b meet needs is oftenoverlooked. I see these cooments all the time: Your cheater must have been driven to cheat by failure to have his or her needs met".
Well, guuess what? Many cheaters seem to be bottomless pits of need, under the impression that it is their betrayed spouse's duty to fill the void within them.
And,many,many cheaters were the driving forces behind pre affair marital problems.
So, meet the cheater's needs and suck it up BSs.If you had only met their needs to begin with, none of this would have happened(escuse me while I vomit).
Very valid point, there were many times my "Needs" were not being met, but I realized that's the way it is sometimes when you have two kids, one with a life threatening illness, a pair of sick in-laws and grandmother with Alzheimers etc. It would have been very easy for me to say "F" this, I need a BJ", but instead I just got on with it as " I can handle this, If I can I'll ask for help". There is no excuse for an affair, if things are that bad leave. From what I've seen around here most of the times the excuses for the affair are ludicrous
Well, first the cheater's line of not having their needs met is just their own personal (lame) justification for their affair. And yeah, the BS needs were not met. The DS was too busy giving it to someone else. It's funny how the DS meets someone, begins to "connect" with that someone, their focus is shifted from the spouse to the AP, they spend time away from home to be with the AP, they neglect their spouses need and anything the spouse says becomes "nagging", it becomes "they don't understand me", it becomes a lot of boo hoo sob cry baby whiney ass bull crap. It becomes their justification for the affair. I can tell you in my own marriage, my needs were not met because he was too busy meeting the "needs" of the skuzzies. But, I never cheated on my husband. I'd ask him for us to be able to have a date night at least once a month. He'd say he couldn't we didn't have the extra money to go out (I can't imagine what a bad, bad wife I must have been to ask him to take money away from his skuzzies. Bad Apple. Bad, bad, bad) I'd ask him to give me one night--one night a week, for 30 minutes a night that we could talk. He called me selfish. He called me, and I quote: "A selfish bish" for not being understanding of his need to have a quiet night at home. (and all I asked for was 30 minutes once a week to talk) Now, he'd come home from work at night, he'd leave a trail of clothes going from the door to down the hall way to the bathroom, then he would stay in the bathroom for up to 30 minutes at a time before coming out. Then he would sit, in his underwear on the couch and watch tv. He would completely ignore me. He would not ask how my day was, and if I tried to talk to him, he'd grab the remote, turn off the tv, turn to me with a nasty glare and growl "what the fvck do you want" at me. I would then walk away. He'd turn the tv back on, watch whatever he was watching, then he'd come demand I'd apologize to him for being rude. It got to where I stopped asking him for date nights. I stopped trying to communicate with him but yet, I was the one who was at fault for not being understanding of his needs. Yes, I was a very bad Apple. No wonder he had to cheat on me with all those skuzzies.
Even "bad apples" can taste sweet, it's his loss and your gain, Apple.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arnold
Many cheaters seem to be bottomless pits of need, under the impression that it is their betrayed spouse's duty to fill the void within them.
My ex was more like a black hole, sucking in everything she could get from me. At times I felt like being a chewing gum while she was getting all the good flavor from me and neglected my needs. After I didn't taste good anymore, she spit me out and got a new piece of gum.
And,many,many cheaters were the driving forces behind pre affair marital problems.
I agree, she was the one with the big issues but was always able to make them look like mine. So in the end she could walk away "clean" and could say nothing was my fault.
It is stories like these that have led me to conclude that a high% of cheaters are personality disordered. The infidelity was the final straw in a mountain of abuse.
Some of the things my XW did or said to me were F'ing unbelievable, they were so sadistic.
I hope you folks come to see the cheating as your get out of jail free card, as I have. People may not understand or think yiu are exaggerating when you ry to describe the emotional abuse they heaped on you. But, most folks understand cheating is a dealbreaker and do not blame you for getting the hell out.
I looked on a site for cheaters that one of the other posters pointed out. These folks are the absolute dregs of humanity. Thye are so selfish and superficial it sickens me to think I am member of the same species.
I also strongly believe that a lot of cheaters are challenged by a personality disorder. My ex learned/earned many of those traits from her mother who was also emotionally/mentally abusive to her husband and their relationship ended in a divorce. Even the timeline is almost exactly the same. On top of that she was sexually abused as a child. But I didn't care about all that, I took her the way she was because I saw the "good" in her.
My ex never took responsibility for all her actions which eventually resulted in several suicide attempts by myself. I'm not proud of myself for that but I didn't have the coping tools which I have now and I was totally drained from 17 years of abuse. The cherry on top was that she got me arrested for some bogus charges because she wanted me out of her life. The result was jail and a no contact order.
This was my "get out of jail free card" since I was forced to have no contact with her. She was out of the picture, still trying to manipulate and control me, but I finally woke up and saw what was really going on. I recovered and now I'm thinking who was really the "crazy one"? me or her?
I never ever thought she would be capable of so many things but reality says otherwise. One of her famous lines was "If I would tell somebody normal the way you act/or what you say they would say you are crazy". Maybe she was talking about herself and not me all that time.
Oh yeah. My needs wernt met at ALL. But, I just made matters worse being a clingy nice guy. And add serious passive agressive tendencies on top of that. The cycle was bad. Looking back, though, I wouldn't want to be with me either. Crappy the way things worked out, but I am Stronger for it, so that's a bonus.
But, in a way, I do fully understand WHY she had an affair. While I wasn't a douche to her, I was a passive agressive nice guy, so that made me a d$ck. Keep that up for years, enter ex boyfriend, and viola! Some love banks starting to get filled. And there you have it. An affair in the works!
But my story, of course, is different than others who experience cheating a$$hats in thier marriage. As each of our stories is unique.
I tend to think of my WW as still a great person that just made bad decisions on how to handle her own issues. But some stories of behaviour, like Apples ex, where the WS is just an a$$hat, make me shake my head. Because those kind of stories are just full of selfish pr&cks. Posted via Mobile Device
Arnold, right after DDay, when I was reaching out to friends for support, I just felt so used and taken advantage of, not only were my needs not even close to being met, (and I lived with this just as allthegoodnames suggested, because it was just a time in life when sacrifices have to be made, responsibilities are being dealt with and our energies are spread thin - I just assumed it was two ways) But to suddenly realize she was just exploiting all the things I was sacrificing - things were crappy because there was nothing left for us, because she used and used until there was nothing left in me then just discarded my carcass. I literally described it as feeling like the victim of a vampire. I was so angry I let that happen to me, untilI just wrote this I had been able to completely get past this, but even now when I think about this once again it just makes me so livid.
Fk yeah! A total get out of jail free card! It's fkn awesome. Well, it's not ALL awesome, lots of things about the separation suck. But....
Coffee dates with a few sexy ladies! The odd après dinner BJ. the odd après dinner night cap....and when I say night cap, I mean sex.
Any long term potential for me yet? No. But the ride is fun. To think I thought I wouldn't be able to meet anyone after my marital breakdown.
I just figured I didn't want to sit at home wallowing by myself, so I decided to take my life in my own hands for once. Posted via Mobile Device
I know exactly what you mean here... as I was nailing a new ladyfriend I thought for a brief second this must be sorta how it was for the ex to get banged by these other guys, except without the guilt or shame. I win!!! (btw, its all new to me, very recent, have barely dated but I do enjoy how women my age don't waste time beating around the bush)
That seems to be the general idea nowadays in this day and age. That somehow, it's your fault as the BS, that your spouse/SO cheated, because you weren't meeting their needs. That is until they get cheated on.
Like every BS here, we've also had unfulfilled needs, yet never went outside the marriage to fulfill those needs. Society is just so screwed up now.
That seems to be the general idea nowadays in this day and age. That somehow, it's your fault as the BS, that your spouse/SO cheated, because you weren't meeting their needs. That is until they get cheated on.
Like every BS here, we've also had unfulfilled needs, yet never went outside the marriage to fulfill those needs. Society is just so screwed up now.
Well, it's seems to be so much easier for the cheater to put their happiness and wellbeing in the hand of the right "victim" and let him/her do the hard work. It's a major character flaw to expect that a partner's job is to fulfill all those needs and blame them afterwards if it didn't happen.
Everybody is responsible for themself. A relationship in harmony is supposed to make this process easier because you are both working as a team and supporting each other.
I'm just waiting for my ex to get cheated on, pretty sure it will happen. The constellation is already there. Her new boy toy is 25, 10 years younger than her, south from the border. They are having trust issues. Him and her are working together will several other women he already had an affair with. She's supporting his life style because he doesn't make that much money. Wait and see...
I'm just waiting for my ex to get cheated on, pretty sure it will happen. The constellation is already there. Her new boy toy is 25, 10 years younger than her, south from the border. They are having trust issues. Him and her are working together will several other women he already had an affair with. She's supporting his life style because he doesn't make that much money. Wait and see...
It seems inevitable that she's going to get run over by the karma bus. What will you do when she come crying and running back to you?
It seems inevitable that she's going to get run over by the karma bus. What will you do when she come crying and running back to you?
I will take care of my daughter, being as supportive and loving as a dad can be. Unfortunately, she is living with my ex, exposed to all this fantasy world BS. This kid has already suffered enough in her 12 years of life. Seeing me constantly put down by my ex, no friends, emotionally abused by her mom. The list goes on and on.
As to my ex, I wouldn't even touch her with a pair of pliers anymore. She has changed the street sign from two way to one way street. Her choice, her responsibility. Maybe then, she will learn that it is finally her turn to take responsibility for herself because there won't be anybody left she can pass on the blame.
Do People Just Assume... 
