husband's high school reunion and em with old girlfriend
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-25-2011, 11:34 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry husband's high school reunion and em with old girlfriend

I am so sad and confused today. My husband and I attended his high school reunion on Sat night and on the way home, I told him that his history with old girlfriend was something that I could not deal with anymore.

Over the past 5 years, I know that he has been in touch with this woman via phone, email, etc. She lives 2 states away from us and he admits that he has met her a couple of times when she comes back to our area. (her hometown). A few years ago I found a b-day card from her saying..."Love You, Nuff Said" with an old highschool picture enclosed. A few years ago he went to see his brother in the same state that she lives in. I found a hotel reservation (for the same week part of that week) for 2 nights in mini-suite in a totally opposite direction of his brother's town.. near where she lives . I have held onto that hotel info for several years and never said anything about it.

I can't seem to let go of this and know that we have become very emotionally withdrawn from each other.

Last Sat night, after seeing her at the reunion, I decided to confront him with the hotel reservation. The minute I said the name of the hotel, there was COMPLETE SILENCE!!!! All the way home...not a word. That just seemed to answer my question of the relationship. Right before going to sleep, I said "I want to just go ahead and get this finished, because I don't think we can fix it". He did not respond that night, but was awake all night. The next morning he said "Let me know when you want me out. I will get my clothes together and go."

Before this I thought that maybe it was just an emotional affair and he has always said they are just friends that were in love for 4 years and he refuses to give up contact with her.

We have been married for 30 years, a high school couple and my only partner sexually. Our marriage has never been a "soulmate" type relationship but I love him very much. I know that I have alot of personal issues and he does too. We do not communicate well, very few shared interests, really kind of opposites. He's extrovert, I am introvert and a worrier with low self-esteem.

I am so confused about what to do from here. He will be home from a daytrip today and because of Thanksgiving with family around, this will be our first time to talk since last week-ends confrontation.

Can anybody help a crazy, mixed up, "old married" woman. We have so many issues in this relationship that have not been dealt with. Is it too late and too hard to fix ???? Many thanks for you help!!!
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Old 11-25-2011, 12:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband's high school reunion and em with old girlfriend

Do you think you can be with him going forward?

If he was willing to stop all contact, and give complete transparency?

He has admitted indirectly to having cheated for at least 2 days with her.

Can you stay with him after knowing that?
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband's high school reunion and em with old girlfriend

You're probably near your 50s. There is still a lot of life that can be lived, a lot of things you wanted to do but did not.

I agree with Shaggy. You'll need to decide if you can live with what your husband has done.
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you for taking the time to reply. I can't believe that I am actually dealing with this after 5 years of self-doubt.

Over the last 10 years we have both suffered many lossess: his dad was killed in auto accident, he was hit by drunk driver, lost a business, his brother was killed in auto accident, my dad died of cancer and our son went off to college. I don't think that we have have dealt with any of it!!

And now....I'm just LOST AND CONFUSED!!! I want to do the best thing for us.

Honesty is so important to me and I just don't think I can stay unless he is willing to admit to it and agree to go to counselling. He is a good man in many ways (giving, loving, always willing to help others) but also very, very non-confrontational and passive-aggressive, too. Maybe, in his way, he wants this split to happen.

At this point I feel that I am not ever going to believe that he will stop contact. I have lost ALL TRUST. He has kept other things from me, not related to women (that I know about) but money. He pretty much does what he wants when it comes to money and has his network of friends that he talks with. We are really not emotionally linked at all.

And...he has been saying for years, that we have not had sex enough and that the marriage has been bad for him for 20 years because of that. There is a lot of resentment built up and I know that I am emotionally not there. It just makes me feel so sad that we have come to this.

On Sunday I stayed away from the house until about 6:00. When I came home and I asked him to tell me the truth about the hotel thing, he said, "That's your story and you have no idea what took place. I want to stay in our marriage and if we split up it will be up to you. You will have to make the decision to end it. "

I really don't know if he was with her at that hotel. All that I have is a little piece of paper (that I found in his desk0 with the hotel name and reservation confirmation #...and that long silence going home. I think that he believes that I somehow found out about the hotel meeting at the reunion on Sat nite, because I had not EVER brought up the hotel before. So, he is just not going to blatantly admit to what happened.

We have talked about his contact with her quite a few times over the past few years and he denies any kind of relationship with her, other than friendship.
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Let me know when you want me out. I will get my clothes together and go."
omfg. just like that, no fight, or anything?


Quote:
he has always said they are just friends that were in love for 4 years and he refuses to give up contact with her.
what????!!



The first step in attempting to fix your marriage is his willingness to cut off ALL contact with her forever, and for him to send a NC letter immediately! if he's not even willing to do the first baby step, then Honey, I don't know what else to tell you.
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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You're probably near your 50s. There is still a lot of life that can be lived, a lot of things you wanted to do but did not.

I agree with Shaggy. You'll need to decide if you can live with what your husband has done.
I think that it is extra hard for me to decide, because I know how emotionally distant I have been for so long. I want to take responsibility for my part in this crippled relationship. So, I have a hard time deciding how much of my failure as a wife is to blame for where we are now. And how much I should forgive.
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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But he's not willing to end it, and ask for forgiveness. Unless I'm reading this incorrectly, he's asking your permission for whatevers going to continue, and for you to accept that. In the absence of his being open and honest with you on whatever that entails, are you willing to be in an open relationship? Where he's free to see this woman?

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Old 11-25-2011, 01:45 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I think that it is extra hard for me to decide, because I know how emotionally distant I have been for so long. I want to take responsibility for my part in this crippled relationship. So, I have a hard time deciding how much of my failure as a wife is to blame for where we are now. And how much I should forgive.

Working on the marriage requires joint effort.

But the decision to cheat is all on your husband. It was his responsibility and decision alone. (Unless you gave approval in some form?)
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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But he's not willing to end it, and ask for forgiveness. Unless I'm reading this incorrectly, he's asking your permission for whatevers going to continue, and for you to accept that. In the absence of his being open and honest with you on whatever that entails, are you willing to be in an open relationship? Where he's free to see this woman?

Can you guys help me know what to say when we sit down to talk this out? He will be home either tonight or tomorrow. Do you think that counselling would be worth a try? We have not had a chance to really get into this at length due to holidays and I want to make sure that I say what I need to say...

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Old 11-25-2011, 01:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Working on the marriage requires joint effort.

But the decision to cheat is all on your husband. It was his responsibility and decision alone. (Unless you gave approval in some form?)
Can you guys help me know what to say when we sit down to talk this out? He will be home either tonight or tomorrow. Do you think that counselling would be worth a try? We have not had a chance to really get into this at length due to holidays and I want to make sure that I say what I need to say...
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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omfg. just like that, no fight, or anything?



what????!!



The first step in attempting to fix your marriage is his willingness to cut off ALL contact with her forever, and for him to send a NC letter immediately! if he's not even willing to do the first baby step, then Honey, I don't know what else to tell you.
Can you guys help me know what to say when we sit down to talk this out? He will be home either tonight or tomorrow. Do you think that counselling would be worth a try? We have not had a chance to really get into this at length due to holidays and I want to make sure that I say what I need to say...
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Old 11-25-2011, 02:01 PM   #12 (permalink)
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"That's your story and you have no idea what took place. I want to stay in our marriage and if we split up it will be up to you. You will have to make the decision to end it. "
This is a direct test of how much he feels he can control you over the situation... you need to not accept this answer, because his answer is attempting to pass all guilt to you (typical cheater). If that is 'your story' then he needs to set you strait. Granted, you shouldn't even accept his answer, but you should at least hear what he has to say.

My wife tried pulling the same thing: Kept trying to play with the words of my story, refusing to ever use her own words to explain the situation. What she was doing was getting a feel for what I thought, and then using that knowledge to dampen the facts of what really happened. She also said that I had to pull the trigger when she knew she was in the wrong- I had to take the guilt because she already had too much to deal with. DO NOT accept these outcomes, because that is exactly what their guilty conscious wants you to do.
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Old 11-25-2011, 02:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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This is a direct test of how much he feels he can control you over the situation... you need to not accept this answer, because his answer is attempting to pass all guilt to you (typical cheater). If that is 'your story' then he needs to set you strait. Granted, you shouldn't even accept his answer, but you should at least hear what he has to say.

My wife tried pulling the same thing: Kept trying to play with the words of my story, refusing to ever use her own words to explain the situation. What she was doing was getting a feel for what I thought, and then using that knowledge to dampen the facts of what really happened. She also said that I had to pull the trigger when she knew she was in the wrong- I had to take the guilt because she already had too much to deal with. DO NOT accept these outcomes, because that is exactly what their guilty conscious wants you to do.
So, I guess we're pretty much starting a discussion that is already done....
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Old 11-25-2011, 02:21 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband's high school reunion and em with old girlfriend

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Can you guys help me know what to say when we sit down to talk this out? He will be home either tonight or tomorrow. Do you think that counselling would be worth a try? We have not had a chance to really get into this at length due to holidays and I want to make sure that I say what I need to say...

Marriage counseling (MC) only works if both partners in the marriage are willing to work at it. It fails if one of the spouse has no intention to reconcile but is using the MC as a cover to further the affair.

Individual counseling for yourself may be helpful. A competent counselor is important, and dont hesitate to find a better one if need be.

So, you need to decide if you want to reconcile or not. Probably you should give yourself a little time to consider that. The same with your husband.

If neither wants to reconcile, then divorce is the way to go.

If there's to be reconciliation, your husband has to be open and disclose everything. That includes no hidden email accounts, facebook, cell phone(s), etc. You should have his passwords and free access to everything. Your husband should write a no-contact (NC) letter to the other woman (OW). He should write that and get your signoff. You then take that letter and mail it yourself.

You should have the OW's husband name and contact info. You should expose the affair to the OW husband -- but dont tell your husband you're doing that or else your husband and OW get time to spin a story to her husband to make you look like an idiot. This exposure also provides another set of eyes (her husband's) to monitor the affair.
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Old 11-25-2011, 02:24 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Tell him you want the marriage but you want honesty and commitment from him as well. For him to confirm his intent to work on the marriage he has to evidence his honesty thus you will be arranging a polygraph. Be prepared to do this once you mention it . Assume your husband will decline, unfortunately you will then have to decide , either continue as you are or make the affair hell and expose his adultery to his friends and family, track her family down and expose it as well. Do not warn them of what you are doing .

Be prepare to divorce if you have to , the only way your marriage will recover is if you push and fight the affair .
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