Wife still keeping things from me - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 03:24 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Originally Posted by bhk2000 View Post
....The way I see it is if I get on board with the divorce and start taking steps she will either realize this has backfired and come clean in a last-ditch effort to save our marriage or we will just get a divorce. I'm just looking for advice from you all about how to go about sending a message to my wife that I'm done with her deception.
You have it figured out perfectly. Tell her you want a divorce, contact a lawyer, file the papers and have her served. At this point you have absolutly nothing to lose - move forward with your well thought-out plan.

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post #17 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 04:34 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

The longer you keep up this guerilla warfare the less chance that you will be successful. She will get so tired of being defensive and you will get so tired of being jerked around that the relationship will become poisoned beyond repair.

My suggestion would be to do a friendly divorce while you are still basically friendly. After the divorce is accomplished, maintain the relationship and see -as a divorced couple- if there is enough left to want to continue in a just-as-if-married relationship. It is a tough way to resolve the "if you keep asking me, we need to get divorced" talk, but otherwise you are heading for years of a relationship increasingly frustrating and disappointing. Then no love will survive. On your part, or on her part.

Last edited by 2asdf2; 10-16-2016 at 08:13 AM.
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post #18 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 04:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm going to start taking steps for the divorce. I really don't care anymore. Let's see if she will try to win be back but either way it's not going to be my problem anymore.
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post #19 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 04:40 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

BHK2000,

I'm not for a quick fire on the divorce, a polygraph is much cheaper than a divorce. You might be able to recover once you get the truth, but you will be years or decades in limbo as it now stands.

Did you speak with the OM, it sounds like he is full of himself and might be arrogant enough to brag about the affair to you and give you a timeline or something.

But your WW slept in bed with the OM and had an intense emotional connection to him, she allowed your children to get to know him as a nice guy, your WW saw OM as their next father. But they didn't have sex!!!

Your WW is just terrified of telling you the truth, so is my WW. Even thought it happened 20+ years ago, I think if my WW were honest it would reduce her tot he level of her serial cheating father, someone she never wanted to be like.

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post #20 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 04:41 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

There is a guy on another forum whose wife cheated on him. She wasn't remorseful and would not reveal the affair partner's identity. She protected her OM while her betrayed husband was hurting. He desperately wanted to reconcile and was even more desperate to save his marriage than you are now. Eventually, however, even he realized that divorce was inevitable. They're now in the process of divorcing but he could have saved himself a whole lot of grief had he just listened to the advice given to him to dump her. Your wife isn't remorseful; otherwise, she would have given you every bit of info, and she'd never suggest a divorce because working on the marriage was so hard.
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post #21 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 04:46 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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You are right. File for divorce and see what happens.



There is the first step, but do not do that if you are only bluffing.

The second step is to demand, not ask, for a polygraph. Her reaction alone will tell you a lot, but DO THE TEST . if she is telling you the truth and this was not a PA, she should welcome the opportunity to prove she has not continued to lie.

You asked what to do. There it is. if you do nothing, she knows you ain't going anywhere and she will continue to stonewall you because there have been no real consequences.

Does not mean you will be divorced. it means she will know she has a finite amount of time to convince you why you should not divorce. That changes to narrative.

There is nothing like divorce papers to end the so called "fog" abruptly.
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post #22 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 04:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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BHK2000,

I'm not for a quick fire on the divorce, a polygraph is much cheaper than a divorce. You might be able to recover once you get the truth, but you will be years or decades in limbo as it now stands.

Did you speak with the OM, it sounds like he is full of himself and might be arrogant enough to brag about the affair to you and give you a timeline or something.

But your WW slept in bed with the OM and had an intense emotional connection to him, she allowed your children to get to know him as a nice guy, your WW saw OM as their next father. But they didn't have sex!!!

Your WW is just terrified of telling you the truth, so is my WW. Even thought it happened 20+ years ago, I think if my WW were honest it would reduce her tot he level of her serial cheating father, someone she never wanted to be like.

Tamat
The polygraph ship has sailed at this point. OM would not respond to my calls or texts. Don't worry, I'm pretty convinced at this point that they had sex. The lack of honestly is what's finally pushed me to just not care anymore and end it. Maybe the truth would have gotten me to this same place or maybe we could have worked through it, but it doesn't really matter now. She should have come clean a long time ago.
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post #23 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 05:02 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

BHK2000,

Here's another test, expose OM to everyone in his life parents , grandparents , adult children , work , facebook , linkedin , etc etc.

If OM is still in contact with your WW she will react immediately, if your WW is still in love with OM she will be crushed as it will make the affair public and will prevent them from getting together without shame.

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post #24 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 10:36 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

The majority of women are not emotionally able to have sex with more than one man. Once she gotten to the point that she's given herself to another, she has detached from husband. Many times the woman will stop having sex with husband so she can be loyal to her new man.

We've had so many threads of BHs that believed they stopped the affair but it turns out the affair was taken further underground. WWs find it hard to let go of their OM. I've read so many threads by WWs that are faking R, even while going to MC, meanwhile the PA is still on.

You need to do some independent detective work. Expecting your WW to be honest is not logical. She's a proven liar. Get a VAR installed in her car, and be sure to look for a burner phone.
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post #25 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 10:45 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

What is it you expect to happen? Everything out and a happy marriage til you are 90 years old? Right now she feels extreme guilt. She avoids feeling that way by justifying and victimizing. It's natural and my wife did it to the extreme. It's amazing how we all act the same in most circumstances if we aren't aware of how the same we are all acting.

There is no fix because your wife hates herself. It's easier for her to let you go than to let herself go. She doesn't want to think of herself as the person she really is. Nobody does. She will regret it, but she will never own up to it. It doesn't matter. You don't want this. You want to free her of the burden of guilt and yourself of the burden of her deceit. The only happy ending is when you two move on and try to start over fresh. You will never believe her, you will always wonder when it will happen again and she will never show remorse because that will undermine her entire sense of self being. It sucks, but end it now so you don't waste any more time trying to fix something that cannot be fixed.
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post #26 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 05:56 AM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Originally Posted by bhk2000 View Post
She has continuously maintained that there is nothing left to tell.
Here's a basic rule everyone should follow when dealing with a cheater:

Rule Number #1: There's always more to the story. Always.

Rule Number #2: See Rule #1.

Quote:
Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm going to start taking steps for the divorce. I really don't care anymore. Let's see if she will try to win be back but either way it's not going to be my problem anymore.
Smart decision.

What's the point of 'reconciling' with a remorseless liar?
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post #27 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 05:59 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

Don't announce that you are filing for divorce to her.

Implement the "180". Treat her as a friend or roommate who is treated with respect but is not privy to your private thoughts.

Be genial, but do not engage in further discussions about her affair or the marriage. Spend time with your kids. Spend time on yourself.

Above all be ready for her to change once she is served with papers. She might realize the gravy train is leaving the station and try anything to stop you. Be prepared.
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post #28 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 06:09 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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You are right. File for divorce and see what happens.
This, but see what happens with other people, lol I wouldn't see what happens with her anymore. Your concerns are legit, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it was still going on. Which is why she is tossing divorce into the conversation, doesn't sound too remorseful to me and like someone who wishes to make things better with you. Plenty of other women in the world who won't cheat on you. Best wishes.
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post #29 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 07:23 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

At an absolute bare minimum, reconciliation requires the following:

Remorse
Honesty (i.e. full disclosure, no TT, etc)
Transparency going forward
No contact w/ any APs

One, two, or three out of four won't cut it -- it's all or nothing.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."

Last edited by GusPolinski; 10-15-2016 at 09:07 PM. Reason: !@#$ing tablet
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post #30 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 08:35 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Hi everyone,

Without going into details my wife had an emotional affair which I found out about in May of this year. Once she was confronted with what I had learned she proceeded to trickle out info about the affair. After hearing her side of the story there were a lot of gaps.

For the next few months she did everything she could to make me happy except try and earn my trust back. I kept finding these little bits and pieces that conflicted with her story and when I would bring them up the subject would turn to her feeling like all her efforts to be a better wife were a waste because I was still digging. She has continuously maintained that there is nothing left to tell.

Over time I would bring these things up less often. I started to feel like it didn't matter and all that I should care about was that she was dedicated to our marriage now.

Over the last month she has been up and down. First a period of feeling like there was no point in saving our marriage. Then a week of her back to being optimistic again. Now she's back to doubting. It's really hard to take and has caused me to go back to doubting and digging.

We're at the point where if I bring up any new evidence or my doubts the conversation immediately changes to "lets just get a divorce." She won't even answer my questions. She says she knows she did this to herself but she can't handle being made out to be a criminal and it would be easier to scrap the marriage than fix it.

Deep down I know something is going on. I know she's still holding back truth from before and I can't help but feel like something is still going on with her being up and down. I feel like she's bluffing about the divorce to deflect my inquiries. If she's not, I don't really care at this point.

The way I see it is if I get on board with the divorce and start taking steps she will either realize this has backfired and come clean in a last-ditch effort to save our marriage or we will just get a divorce. I'm just looking for advice from you all about how to go about sending a message to my wife that I'm done with her deception.
You are being played.

The ONLY way you'll save your marriage is to hand her divorce papers and tell her 'prove to me why I shouldn't move forward; otherwise, we'll be divorced in X months.'
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