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post #31 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 10:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

Thanks for all the advice! Here's an update.

On the day I posted this my wife came home from work all loving and happy to see me. She noticed I was being distant and once she noticed her affections weren't doing much she asked me what was going on.

I told her that I don't believe all of her story. That parts of her story don't add up and that in my gut there is a feeling I can't shake. I told her that despite loving her and wishing it would work out, I think it would be best if we just divorced since she isn't willing to tell me the truth or even convince me of her truth.

Her reaction was what I was hoping for to some extent. Instead of agreeing with me and the usual defensiveness and deflection, she seemed to be more trying to understand why I felt this way. She still denied there was anything else to tell but was more open to continuing the process of removing my doubts.

After a long silence she said maybe we should just get divorced (probably testing me). And I responded with "that's what I think." and walked out of the room and went off to do some online gaming with my friend. She came in and gave me a hug and kiss a few times later that night.

Over the weekend she continued with the "perfect wife" routine. I'm thinking she is afraid that she pushed to hard and realized I have no reason to be married to someone who is not trying to reconcile and not willing to show love to her man. I think she's trying to be extra loving to me in hopes that I will sweep my doubts under the rug.

Today I am planning on giving her a copy of Josephs letter as a reminder that even though I appreciate her efforts over the weekend, the issue of me not trusting her is still there and so is the very real threat of divorce.

This week I'm going to see if I can get a free consult with a lawyer.

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post #32 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 07:19 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

BHK2000,

You are well on your way to getting the truth and recovery or divorce. No one should have a secret with your WW that you are not privy to.

I suspect that with my WW her keeping silent about OM-1, for 20+ years, was because of her desire to protect him and possibly a promise they made to each other.

After a while with my WW the things she said before she denied which is really really troubling.

One method is to have your WW write out a timeline for her affair, and then take her to the polygraph, there is a good chance she will confess to a little more in the parking lot.

Tamat
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post #33 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 04:31 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

This is a quote from your original post:
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Originally Posted by bhk2000 View Post
For the next few months she did everything she could to make me happy except try and earn my trust back. I kept finding these little bits and pieces that conflicted with her story and when I would bring them up the subject would turn to her feeling like all her efforts to be a better wife were a waste because I was still digging. She has continuously maintained that there is nothing left to tell.
So it seems as though her behavior once she realizes your really piszed is pretty consistent. It's pure gas-lighting and manipulation.

You never mention kids so I'm assuming you guys don't have any yet. If this is the case then I simply have to ask you what the hell you are doing trying to save this thing? She cheated. You will never see her the same way you did before she cheated. You will never trust her again. You will remember this and every time you do you will wonder two things: "why did she do this?" & "why did I stay married to her?". There is no answer to the first question that will ever make you say "Oh - now I get it! It's all better now" but you will ask it a million times anyway. The second one will lead you to divorcing her or self-loathing. Your choice.
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post #34 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 04:46 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Originally Posted by bhk2000 View Post
Her reaction was what I was hoping for to some extent. Instead of agreeing with me and the usual defensiveness and deflection, she seemed to be more trying to understand why I felt this way. She still denied there was anything else to tell but was more open to continuing the process of removing my doubts.
Of course she's open to continuing to remove your doubts, that's nothing new.

She's just doing it "her" way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bhk2000 View Post
Today I am planning on giving her a copy of Josephs letter as a reminder that even though I appreciate her efforts over the weekend, the issue of me not trusting her is still there and so is the very real threat of divorce.
Please stop using divorce as some sort of coercive threat to force her to come clean.

It's just really lame and it won't work.
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Originally Posted by bhk2000 View Post
Today I am planning on giving her a copy of Josephs letter as a reminder that even though I appreciate her efforts over the weekend, the issue of me not trusting her is still there and so is the very real threat of divorce.
Please stop using divorce as some sort of coercive threat to force her to come clean.

It's just really lame and it won't work. People don't think that way, if they did no one would be in jail because they'd be afraid to commit crimes for fear of the punishment.
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post #35 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 09:57 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Originally Posted by caruso View Post
Please stop using divorce as some sort of coercive threat to force her to come clean.

It's just really lame and it won't work. People don't think that way, if they did no one would be in jail because they'd be afraid to commit crimes for fear of the punishment.
Agreed.

D can't be used as a threat. File for D now, because the process can take so long, it can be stopped at any time should she become completely transparent.

Some people are against polygraphs, but it can be a very valuable tool. He should file for D, AND schedule a polygraph and actually make the appointment for her to go. He may even get the parking lot confession. Either way, he'll have a little piece of mind about whether it went physical or not.


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post #36 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 04:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

I know itís been a while but I just thought Iíd update everyone (really more for my sake). So we separated and moved out of state this past December. I told my family about the separation and possible divorce beforehand and they were supportive.

Now fast forward weíre living in separate apartments. I see my kids every other weekend. For the most part Iím happier and enjoying single life. We canít start the divorce process until weíre residents in this state for six months.

About a month ago my soon to be ex-wife told me she wanted to work things out and fix things. She wrote me this long letter about how she didnít own up to what she did and she didnít handle the situation the way she should have. Still no new confessions of anything else sheís been holding back. She did say she was willing to do whatever it takes for me to trust her again like only using a flip phone and giving me all her passwords.

I told her I was not in a place to think about working things out. The thing is whenever I think about the possibility of getting back together it always comes back to the fact that Iím never going to believe Iíd been given the whole story. Even now Iím still bothered by not knowing and that also bothers me because I thought I wouldnít care about it anymore once we were separated.

Now fast forward some more and sheís telling me sheís been pregnant since November and just found out. Her IUD had been causing false periods which is why she didnít know. We did have a lot of sex during that time so itís probably mine but I told her I was going to do a paternity test when the baby is born and she was fine with it.

Anyway, thatís where Iím at. Just a lot of mixed feelings and confusion. Iíd appreciate some advice and reassuring words from those who have gone through similar situations. Thanks!
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post #37 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 04:47 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Originally Posted by bhk2000 View Post
I know itís been a while but I just thought Iíd update everyone (really more for my sake). So we separated and moved out of state this past December. I told my family about the separation and possible divorce beforehand and they were supportive.

Now fast forward weíre living in separate apartments. I see my kids every other weekend. For the most part Iím happier and enjoying single life. We canít start the divorce process until weíre residents in this state for six months.

About a month ago my soon to be ex-wife told me she wanted to work things out and fix things. She wrote me this long letter about how she didnít own up to what she did and she didnít handle the situation the way she should have. Still no new confessions of anything else sheís been holding back. She did say she was willing to do whatever it takes for me to trust her again like only using a flip phone and giving me all her passwords.

I told her I was not in a place to think about working things out. The thing is whenever I think about the possibility of getting back together it always comes back to the fact that Iím never going to believe Iíd been given the whole story. Even now Iím still bothered by not knowing and that also bothers me because I thought I wouldnít care about it anymore once we were separated.

Now fast forward some more and sheís telling me sheís been pregnant since November and just found out. Her IUD had been causing false periods which is why she didnít know. We did have a lot of sex during that time so itís probably mine but I told her I was going to do a paternity test when the baby is born and she was fine with it.

Anyway, thatís where Iím at. Just a lot of mixed feelings and confusion. Iíd appreciate some advice and reassuring words from those who have gone through similar situations. Thanks!
You can do a paternity test once your wife is about three months pregnant.The blood is taken from your wife not the foetus so there is no danger to the baby.I don't know where you live but I paid twelve hundred dollars last November for one.You get the result in less than two weeks and if you want to pay more they can tell the sex of the baby.
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post #38 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 04:48 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Originally Posted by bhk2000 View Post
I know it’s been a while but I just thought I’d update everyone (really more for my sake). So we separated and moved out of state this past December. I told my family about the separation and possible divorce beforehand and they were supportive.

Now fast forward we’re living in separate apartments. I see my kids every other weekend. For the most part I’m happier and enjoying single life. We can’t start the divorce process until we’re residents in this state for six months.

About a month ago my soon to be ex-wife told me she wanted to work things out and fix things. She wrote me this long letter about how she didn’t own up to what she did and she didn’t handle the situation the way she should have. Still no new confessions of anything else she’s been holding back. She did say she was willing to do whatever it takes for me to trust her again like only using a flip phone and giving me all her passwords.

I told her I was not in a place to think about working things out. The thing is whenever I think about the possibility of getting back together it always comes back to the fact that I’m never going to believe I’d been given the whole story. Even now I’m still bothered by not knowing and that also bothers me because I thought I wouldn’t care about it anymore once we were separated.

Now fast forward some more and she’s telling me she’s been pregnant since November and just found out. Her IUD had been causing false periods which is why she didn’t know. We did have a lot of sex during that time so it’s probably mine but I told her I was going to do a paternity test when the baby is born and she was fine with it.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at. Just a lot of mixed feelings and confusion. I’d appreciate some advice and reassuring words from those who have gone through similar situations. Thanks!
Did she tell you she was pregnant or did she take the test in front of you? I would believe it when I see it. I bet if you ask her to take the test in front of you, she will tell you, oh know that was a false alarm. These types of shady people are not above this kind of lying. It's a way of life for many of them.

As far as getting over it. You will always think it is a crappy thing someone did to you, but the someone won't mean much. You will once you meet someone else. Once you give your love to another person the thing that stirs up all of the hurt, your love for your ex wife will not be there and the action will lose all it's power. This is why moving on gives you the ability to really get over it. You really only have a chance if you let the love die. Not saying it still won't piss you off and make you sad but you will most definitely be OVER it. You will be thinking about the new person. It just takes time.
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post #39 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 04:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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You can do a paternity test once your wife is about three months pregnant.The blood is taken from your wife not the foetus so there is no danger to the baby.I don't know where you live but I paid twelve hundred dollars last November for one.You get the result in less than two weeks and if you want to pay more they can tell the sex of the baby.
I'm content waiting till July when the baby is born. It's quite a but cheaper that it's more worth it to me to be patient. lol
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post #40 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Did she tell you she was pregnant or did she take the test in front of you? I would believe it when I see it. I bet if you ask her to take the test in front of you, she will tell you, oh know that was a false alarm. These types of shady people are not above this kind of lying. It's a way of life for many of them.

As far as getting over it. You will always think it is a crappy thing someone did to you, but the someone won't mean much. You will once you meet someone else. Once you give your love to another person the thing that stirs up all of the hurt, your love for your ex wife will not be there and the action will lose all it's power. This is why moving on gives you the ability to really get over it. You really only have a chance if you let the love die. Not saying it still won't piss you off and make you sad but you will most definitely be OVER it. You will be thinking about the new person. It just takes time.
She told me she was pregnant a few weeks ago and it's for sure showing and I've seen the ultrasound. She is 100% pregnant.

Also that makes a lot of sense in the 2nd paragraph and puts my mind at ease. I just feel like my life is on hold now because of this baby. Who is going to want to date a guy who is separated not divorced with three kids and one more on the way. lol

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post #41 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 05:07 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

bhk,

Given the circumstances I would encourage you to get a polygraph for your WW in the hopes that you can finally get closure and possibly recover your marriage to give your unborn child a father. Sorry you are going through this. Have WW write out every detail in a timeline and then have the polygraph operator ask if she answered those questions truthfully.

Tamat
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post #42 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 06:14 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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bhk,

Given the circumstances I would encourage you to get a polygraph for your WW in the hopes that you can finally get closure and possibly recover your marriage to give your unborn child a father. Sorry you are going through this. Have WW write out every detail in a timeline and then have the polygraph operator ask if she answered those questions truthfully.

Tamat
Or don't, move on and just financially and emotionally support the kids but don't hitch you wagon to someone who would cheat and gaslight you for a year.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-21-2017 at 08:49 PM.
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post #43 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 06:26 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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She told me she was pregnant a few weeks ago and it's for sure showing and I've seen the ultrasound. She is 100% pregnant.

Also that makes a lot of sense in the 2nd paragraph and puts my mind at ease. I just feel like my life is on hold now because of this baby. Who is going to want to date a guy who is separated not divorced with three kids and one more on the way. lol
First of all...congratulations. I hope the baby is yours. A child is never a bad thing.

Secondly, there is no reason why you and your wife cannot be good parenting partners if the two of you divorce.

I recommend you go through with the divorce. Despite her so-called heartfelt apology letter, she is still stonewalling you. Funny how she is willing to do anything to save the marriage, except give you what you need the most: the truth. Tell her to go pound sand.
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post #44 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:23 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

Is she will to take a polygraph....I know it's not 100% foolproof but it can say more about trust...
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post #45 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Is she will to take a polygraph....I know it's not 100% foolproof but it can say more about trust...
She is willing to make a timeline and do a poly. We both feel like now is not the be the best time to reconcile though because new babies are hard on marriages and our marriage is already so screwed up. Kind of need optimal conditions to fix things. She says her end goal is reconciliation so once the baby is born and the dust settles we'll see. In the meantime I'm still going to focus on my life and meeting new people. Things have been really smooth between us so far so I'm hoping whatever the outcome we'll stay on good terms for the kids.
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