Wife still keeping things from me - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:13 PM Thread Starter
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Wife still keeping things from me

Hi everyone,

Without going into details my wife had an emotional affair which I found out about in May of this year. Once she was confronted with what I had learned she proceeded to trickle out info about the affair. After hearing her side of the story there were a lot of gaps.

For the next few months she did everything she could to make me happy except try and earn my trust back. I kept finding these little bits and pieces that conflicted with her story and when I would bring them up the subject would turn to her feeling like all her efforts to be a better wife were a waste because I was still digging. She has continuously maintained that there is nothing left to tell.

Over time I would bring these things up less often. I started to feel like it didn't matter and all that I should care about was that she was dedicated to our marriage now.

Over the last month she has been up and down. First a period of feeling like there was no point in saving our marriage. Then a week of her back to being optimistic again. Now she's back to doubting. It's really hard to take and has caused me to go back to doubting and digging.

We're at the point where if I bring up any new evidence or my doubts the conversation immediately changes to "lets just get a divorce." She won't even answer my questions. She says she knows she did this to herself but she can't handle being made out to be a criminal and it would be easier to scrap the marriage than fix it.

Deep down I know something is going on. I know she's still holding back truth from before and I can't help but feel like something is still going on with her being up and down. I feel like she's bluffing about the divorce to deflect my inquiries. If she's not, I don't really care at this point.

The way I see it is if I get on board with the divorce and start taking steps she will either realize this has backfired and come clean in a last-ditch effort to save our marriage or we will just get a divorce. I'm just looking for advice from you all about how to go about sending a message to my wife that I'm done with her deception.

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post #2 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:23 PM
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You are right. File for divorce and see what happens.
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post #3 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:25 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

If you have absolute proof that she did not tell you everything when she said you did, then I'd say quietly start preparing for divorce (separate finances, speak to an attorney, etc....)

You can hunt for more evidence quietly while you do this but it sounds like there's a whole lot more than has been revealed.

Any marriage counseling involved?
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post #4 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:28 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

She is trickle truthing you. Hiding all the details because she is still emotionally attached to the affair partner. Since she has not expressed any real remorse for the damage she caused to your marriage, she is most likely still in contact with him. Her saying that she was trying to repair the marriage while still lying to you about the details is BS.

Did she have the opportunity to take the affair physical? Lots of times the cheater will hide the most damning truths. Justifying it by claiming she did not want to cause you more pain, when in reality she is protecting herself and her affair partner.

One constant truth here is that you have to be willing to end a broken marriage to save it. Tell her she is correct that it will be easier to divorce than to fix a marriage that she does not want. I don't believe she values you or your marriage at this point.
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post #5 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Any marriage counseling involved?

Yes, we saw someone pretty soon after d-day and he said he couldn't help us until my wife was willing to tell the truth.

We've seen a new counselor twice who told her he believed her. He's good but I'm not sure how he could help at this point and my wife is probably not willing to see him again.
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post #6 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:31 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Hi everyone,

Without going into details my wife had an emotional affair which I found out about in May of this year. Once she was confronted with what I had learned she proceeded to trickle out info about the affair. After hearing her side of the story there were a lot of gaps.

For the next few months she did everything she could to make me happy except try and earn my trust back. I kept finding these little bits and pieces that conflicted with her story and when I would bring them up the subject would turn to her feeling like all her efforts to be a better wife were a waste because I was still digging. She has continuously maintained that there is nothing left to tell.

Over time I would bring these things up less often. I started to feel like it didn't matter and all that I should care about was that she was dedicated to our marriage now.

Over the last month she has been up and down. First a period of feeling like there was no point in saving our marriage. Then a week of her back to being optimistic again. Now she's back to doubting. It's really hard to take and has caused me to go back to doubting and digging.

We're at the point where if I bring up any new evidence or my doubts the conversation immediately changes to "lets just get a divorce." She won't even answer my questions. She says she knows she did this to herself but she can't handle being made out to be a criminal and it would be easier to scrap the marriage than fix it.

Deep down I know something is going on. I know she's still holding back truth from before and I can't help but feel like something is still going on with her being up and down. I feel like she's bluffing about the divorce to deflect my inquiries. If she's not, I don't really care at this point.

The way I see it is if I get on board with the divorce and start taking steps she will either realize this has backfired and come clean in a last-ditch effort to save our marriage or we will just get a divorce. I'm just looking for advice from you all about how to go about sending a message to my wife that I'm done with her deception.
I would call her bluff, what do you have to lose but a dishonest spouse. Maybe she has told you the truth, the thing is you are never really going to know. Welcome to your life now. Are you settling because she is safe? Can you live with not really knowing?

Last edited by sokillme; 10-14-2016 at 02:36 PM.
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post #7 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:31 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Yes, we saw someone pretty soon after d-day and he said he couldn't help us until my wife was willing to tell the truth.

We've seen a new counselor twice who told her he believed her. He's good but I'm not sure how he could help at this point and my wife is probably not willing to see him again.
Your first counselor was correct.
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post #8 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:34 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

If I were you, I'd stop telling her for a while about the things that I found. People who cheat tend to lie about it. They seldom will tell the whole truth.

Keep in mind that most people who cheat are ashamed of their own behavior. So they don't want to answer the questions. They just want it to go away. It's a kind of self preservation.

When I found out that my husband was cheating, there were few things that he told me. Instead, if I found something out and confronted him, he would usually try to deny it. But if I had hard evidence he would eventually admit to what I found and nothing more. I eventually got sick and tired of this little game and gave him a choice. Either 1) he could tell me everything (I had a lot of evidence that I never showed him so I would know if he was lying) or 2) We'll just go with my imagination and it was probably worse than reality. I told him that I would make my decisions based on which path he chose. He decided that we'd go with whatever I imagined about his affair.

I also monitored him for a long time... years, to see if he would repeat cheat. But I seldom mentioned to him what I found. Thought I'd just let him prove himself or hang himself. He eventually hung himself.

It is normal for a betrayed spouse to ask questions about the affair for a very long time... 1 or 2 years at least. Why? Because it's a big secret. To re-build intimacy you have to 'own' the affair, meaning that you get to the point where you feel like you know enough about it that it's not some huge secret that she is holding back from you. Secrets kill marriages/relationships.

It sounds like you are telling her about everything you find as soon as you find it. Stop doing that. Every time you do this you give her warning to keep anything wrong that she is doing underground. Either she is being honest or she is not.

There is a good book that might help the two of you. It will give you a good idea of what each of you need to do to recover from the affair.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

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post #9 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:35 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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Yes, we saw someone pretty soon after d-day and he said he couldn't help us until my wife was willing to tell the truth.

We've seen a new counselor twice who told her he believed her. He's good but I'm not sure how he could help at this point and my wife is probably not willing to see him again.
Your first guy was right, second guy is lost.

You are doing many things wrong, if you stay with this attitude you will not succeed eventually your resentment will get the better of you.

Here you go
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post #10 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:37 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

This post is no different then your last thread. Has anything changed? I think @MJJEAN post summed it up. I also wonder if you read the last page your thread. Some real questions where raised.

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post #11 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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We're at the point where if I bring up any new evidence or my doubts the conversation immediately changes to "lets just get a divorce." She won't even answer my questions. She says she knows she did this to herself but she can't handle being made out to be a criminal and it would be easier to scrap the marriage than fix it.
Your wife is simply trying to rug sweep her A. Her unwillingness to be truthful and talk to you at any point and time should be absolutely unacceptable to you. It's a blatant demonstration of non-remorse. It means she is unwilling to do the heavy lifting to help you heal.

Unless she turns around, don't wait for her to suggest divorce again. Talk to a lawyer asap, get your ducks in a row; and the next time she plays that card - service her right then and there with divorce papers.
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post #12 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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She is trickle truthing you. Hiding all the details because she is still emotionally attached to the affair partner. Since she has not expressed any real remorse for the damage she caused to your marriage, she is most likely still in contact with him.

Did she have the opportunity to take the affair physical? Lots of times the cheater will hide the most damning truths. Justifying it by claiming she did not want to cause you more pain, when in reality she is protecting herself and her affair partner.

One constant truth here is that you have to be willing to end a broken marriage to save it. Tell her she is correct that it will be easier to divorce than to fix a marriage that she does not want. I don't believe she values you or your marriage at this point.
The odd thing about the affair partner is that he's a major step down from me when it comes to having a job and being successful. He is someone she would be embarrassed to introduce to her parents and I have confirmed this. It leads me to believe he was a step up in other ways (emotionally, giving validation) but because she can't have anything real with him she is trying to have the best of both worlds.

She has expressed extreme remorse but she doesn't seem to understand why I haven't moved on yet.

She did have many chances to take thing physical which could very likely be the case.
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post #13 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:45 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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The odd thing about the affair partner is that he's a major step down from me when it comes to having a job and being successful. He is someone she would be embarrassed to introduce to her parents and I have confirmed this. It leads me to believe he was a step up in other ways (emotionally, giving validation) but because she can't have anything real with him she is trying to have the best of both worlds.

She has expressed extreme remorse but she doesn't seem to understand why I haven't moved on yet.

She did have many chances to take thing physical which could very likely be the case.
Sex is the currency women will use to get the ego kibbles they want from men. I think it went physical and that is what she will never confess to you. She would rather divorce you than have it known that her having sex with another man is the real reason for the divorce.

Tell her that her continued lying about the affair is what is holding you back from moving on. Every time you find out a little more info, it puts you right back to the starting line.
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post #14 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:53 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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She has expressed extreme remorse...
I seriously doubt this.
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post #15 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 03:05 PM
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Re: Wife still keeping things from me

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I seriously doubt this.
Yeah doesn't sound like it to me.

OP you response should be,

Wife: you have just not been honest in our relationship, I am sorry but I think I can do better then that. (drops the papers, moves on to a better person, better wife). You are the catch here let her go be with the other guy. There are lots of fish out there.
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