Is this recovery?

onthefence16 · 11-26-2011, 10:34 AM

This is going to be quite extensive:
When my WH was in his affair and I was working out of town I would come home and visit every other weekend when in the state I live. He denied me sexual encounters although I was trying, which I hadn't in the past to be the initiator, it had been years since I initiated.
He also would get defensive when questioned on certain things that I felt did not click when finding out about the affair.
We are going to marriage counceling and he is attending church.
At present I am again working in the state my home is in. I have an apartment about 112 miles away from home. That was the only way I could get back to the state I live and enjoy my job. I wanted to work with children, I am in the medical field.
It has been approximately a month or so since he has been abusive verbally to me. I found out about the affair in Aug of this year.
He still has no job. He doesn't get up in the morning, he sleeps till the afternoon, he hasn't really cleaned the house nor the grounds around the home.
I sent him a book on infidelity about 2 months ago he has read the first chapter. He bought 2 books that the councelor suggested us to read I have read the both of them he has read almost half of one, he hasn't read anything since last weekend when I was here.
Last weekend we attempted our first time of being intimate after finding out about the affair. I am the one who suggested it not him (trigger), he had been denying me during the affair or was intimate out of guilt.
Anyway here goes:
He didn't remove my bra or shirt just my pants, he didn't take his shirt of either. There was a little foreplay but not much he mounted and within minutes he was finished. He did apologize but being a woman (triggers started going off) thoughts came flooding into my mind.
I asked him why he didn't remove my shirt he had no answer. I told him if he had done that to the OW (name removed) she wouldn't have come back for seconds. Well that pushed him over the edge and he punched a hole in the bathroom wall as well as taking a well made flashlight and putting a hole in the closet door. He was screaming about how I insulted his manhood.....And how I expect him to be a "Monk", WH was heavily into porn and claims to not be watching anymore...... ummmmm excuse me but what about my womanhood....I told him it made me feel like a c*m station. He stormed off to the basement (finished). I was packing and getting ready to leave, he came we talked and I stayed.
Move forward 1 week, I come home for Thanksgiving, house still not cleaned, nor the grounds.
We go to my son's girlfriends house for the meal, he has some beers I have a few glasses of wine. We get home after being there for some hours, we walk into the house and before we get our coats off he tells me "I'm tierd lets go to sleep" (trigger, from his denying me when in the affair).....I stay up. The next day I start lookig around due to the triggers....I find nothing.....but he is offended that I am looking he says I am "looking to find something", NO I am not, I am making sure their is nothing.....Anyway the day goes on, no attempt at intimacy beyond cudling....night comes he goes to the store...I look under the couch downstairs and find a cell phone box.....from letstalk.com....it was an alltel phone and yes looked just like the one he bought some years ago...but the box didn't have dust on it.....he claimed it had been thier for years but I was unsure as to where the box came from....today when I looked at the sight again there is no alltel as verison had taken over alltel in my area. Anyway he tells me last night after questioning about the box that I shouldn't expect sex, as I have ruined the mood....(trigger)....I explained to him about how the affair has affected me....He calls it a relationship....CAN YOU BELIVE....I told him it wasn't a relationship as he was married.....anyway we talk he apologizes for the affair...says he wishes she never exhisted.....so the night moves on we watch a movie and guess what, He wants to go to sleep......says today we can be intimate.....ummmmmmm........I just don't know what to think.....he fell asleep at about 12 midnight and now it's 10:30 am and he is still sleeping........
I really just don't know what to do.....is this recovery? Or is he using me for a place to stay?

TRy · 11-26-2011, 11:13 AM

It is not recovery. He is not really sorry. He is still focused on his needs and not yours. And you have it backwards. He should be the one initiating sex and you as the betrayed spouse should be the one turning it down.

He is a lazy, violent (putting holes in the wall), unrepentant cheater, that is still having sex on the side and using you to pay the bills. I bet that you even give him an allowance. You are an enabler. His worthless lifestyle would not be possible without you paying for him to do it.

Eli-Zor · 11-26-2011, 11:36 AM

Yet you still have not told the OW's boyfriend . You have more than a suspicion he is in contact , you feed him, you pay his bills you encourage his laziness . Insult his manhood by cutting off all funds , sell the house and move . His manhood will soon decide he either has to work or starve .
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always_hopefull · 11-26-2011, 12:40 PM

Would you mind listing his good qualities so that I can see how the good outweigh those bad traits. There has to be some pretty amazing ones to outweigh, the cheating, violence, laziness, selfishness, lying, lack of remorse and downright asshatishness. How long do you really think it will be until he punches you instead of a door?

I'm not too sure how the disposable phones work, but is there a serial number on the box, could you call the company and see when it was activated? You could call with the serial number to inquire how many minutes were left with the premise of topping them up.

I have not real all of your other threads, but what about keyloggers, are you using them? And why praytell have you not contacted the OWB? That is like complaining about a roving dog and having the ability to put a leash on it yourself. Make her accountable, I am sure her BF would love to know that she respects marriage enough to have a relationship with a married man while she has a bf.

Truly this is not R, it's him biding his time until you go away again. My advice is to go back to your apartment, do what you love working with children, show yourself some self respect and go find a man who is worthy of you.

Good luck, your H sounds like a piece of work.

onthefence16 · 11-26-2011, 05:49 PM

I thank all for your responses and will take them into consideration....The phone is not a no contract phone as I went back to the web site and alltell is no longer in my area....the phone on the box looks like the one he had years ago...don't know about the no dust issue though...that is weird, but he also keeps boxes forever....as far as the other man...I am told he is very violent and do not want to see anyone physically hurt....now as far as all the other things...I definitely agree and will bring it up during marriage counceling next week. He told me he will set his alarm from now on...I took a Xanex (which I have a prescription for) this morning after feeling so down....He woke up and I went to sleep due to depression and the medication....He had the nerve to tell me that I missed out by going to sleep that he was going to take his shower and come out and make love to me....I found that wierd.....instead of poking me with his foot and saying "hey, hey", he could have approched me sesitively and maybe I would have responded with more that "I'm taking a nap"....