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Emotional Affair - more?

34K views 74 replies 34 participants last post by  aine 
#1 ·
Hi All,

Been reading a few threads here in the last few days since I've discovered my wife's potential affair, so thought i'd jump in.

I was tempted to check my wife's phone logs one day after noticing that she had deleted a few text messages on her phone from one particular work colleague (he lives out of town but travels - also is married with children). The stuff deleted I think was innocuous talk about getting coffee, so I was a bit perplexed. When I looked at the phone bill I found was about 400 texts and 6 hours spent on the phone with this person in the last two months. In addition there was some sporadic contact with the OM for about the past 8 months. I travel internationally for business and much of this contact takes place while I'm on trips for work. None of these call or texts are is in her phone's history, of course. I don't think she's deleted any other texts but haven't been through all the texts with her friends to verify.

Okay so what steps I've taken so far - I'm a pretty analytical and organized, and tech savvy person.

- Assembled spreadsheet of the calls/texts and my locations.
- Installed spyware on her phone- it misses a lot of outgoing texts however, but incoming, call logging and location seem to be good.

Now I guess I wait to see what transpires on my next trip - I'm not looking forward to it. We have been married five years and have a two year old daughter so I really want to proceed carefully. Honestly our sex life hasn't been great since our daughter was born, but really bad in the last 9 months or so. My stomach still hurts and my head is spinning as I type this, so any help is appreciated to keep my sanity during this time.
 
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#2 ·
Sorry you're here, my friend. Things do not sound good. The fact that there are that many texts and that she's actively trying to hide them is not a good sign. You should go into super sleuth mode to find the extent of things. If you confront her with your suspicions now, she will strongly deny any involvement and you'll be forced to accept her explanation like "we were working on an intense project together", etc.

If she drives to work, you should consider putting a voice-activated recorder (VAR) in her car. You can velcro it under the seat and put a cutoff headphone plug into it to make sure that it never accidentally plays anything aloud in the car. You might consider getting one for home too, and setting it up to record conversations she has in the house while you're away.

Some mobile phone providers can give the content of text messages upon request--check with yours.

There are applications (e.g. Dr. Phone) that are able to recover some of the deleted texts from phones, as long as the "deleted" data hasn't yet been overwritten by new data.

If she uses a computer at home, you might consider putting a keylogger on it to capture the content of any emails she writes, or better yet, the login and password to any secret email accounts she has.

Sorry you're here, and we wish you good luck in handling an awful situation.
 
#4 ·
Try to act normal until you get the evidence you need. Do not confront her without hard proof. The amount of texts and phone calls is a red flag as is her deleting his texts. Be especially watchful for a "blank" period of text while you are away. As in a bunch of texts leading up to a few hours of complete silence. Pull the phones location at that time if possible.
 
#6 ·
Thanks everyone. I am trying to patient and act normal, but it's definitely not an easy thing to do! I'm going to look into getting VAR's into her car and the bedroom before my next trip. I checked with the phone company but no chance on getting the content of texts without a court order.

If i find that she has been having an affair then yes I probably will leave her. I'm not sure how I would ever trust her again, and I grew up in a family where the parents stayed together "for the kids". I won't be putting my daughter through that.
 
#7 ·
I checked with the phone company but no chance on getting the content of texts without a court order.
I think you missed part of Tatsuhiko's post where it's mentioned that there are APPS that you can run on her phone to un-delete deleted texts. They don't bring back 100%, but for some people who have used these apps, it's been more than enough.

Look up DrFone and FoneLab. Both will possibly get you some of the texts she's been so busy deleting.

But you need access to her phone and it could take a while to go through the process.
 
#8 ·
OP,

Don't wait until your next rip to put the VAR in her car. You will find out in less than a week if who she is talking to and what she is doing.
But remember,
(1) you NEVER reveal how you got the information
(2) you must , especially with your red flags, be prepared to hear some hurtful conversations. But you cannot blow your "cover".

Take the advice and get the deleted text recovery software also. Many times it works.

Understand this, women primarily enter affairs, either EA or PA, starting with emotional needs. That means the longer it goes on, the harder it is to stop. So if I were you I would not be waiting weeks for trips.

And if the VAR does not uncover anything, check EVERYWHERE for a "burner" phone. That means her car, her lingerie drawer, or anywhere else you ordinarily would have no reason to look.. If she is cheating and if her boyfriend is "experienced", getting a "burner" phone is one of the first things recommended if you google " How To Get Away With Cheating".
 
#11 ·
Thanks again,

I will try to see about the text message recovery apps. Sorry I did not mean to ignore this part. Don't plan to wait to get the VARs planted just don't expect to see much activity until my next trip as this has been historically the case. Might be difficult to get her phone for an extended period again. She almost always has it with her, I was able to install the spyware as she forgot it at home once last week. I'll have to wait for the next opportunity.

I do want to gather absolute proof before I confront her, I know I need to do this from a position of strength, I don't want to be asking questions to which I don't already know the answer. It is just the acting like the normal loving husband part which is hard for me at the moment.
 
#13 ·
How often is the OM in town at your wife's employers? Have you two spoken of in at all, basically does your wife talk to you and mention him? When you are ready, gathered your evidence, find out when he is in town. Go to your wife's employer and take her to lunch, ask her to invite OM, you surely would like to talk with him about their extensive contact and deletion of texts. When at lunch and you are sitting across from OM tell him your buddy is calling his wife at this very moment and fm giving her this same information. Tell him how difficult his life is going to get and then ask both OM and your wife if it was worth it. Then hand your wife an envelope containing divorce papers. As you get up to leave them, tell them you also mailed copies of the phone texts to the employers HR department and walk out.

Sorry you are here.
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#17 ·
It's only illegal if someone finds out.

Get those reports OP.

We had a lady on here a few years back who's husband was having a long term affair. During the divorce her lawyer discovered this guy had run up over $30k in secret credit card debt.

Thirty bills. Think about that.
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#18 ·
Thanks for the advice everyone.

The phone is an android, so no iTunes sync available. When I get another chance at it, I will try to recover the deleted texts.

I don't know how much the OM is in town, she never really talks about him to me, except the first time i saw a text from him (innocuous) and asked who he was. This was maybe 3 months ago.

I have no idea if she has ever brought him to my house or would. Before I discovered this EA I would never have even thought she was capable of hiding things like this from me. The deleted texts and calls are just so suspicious to me, i cant see how there would be any reasonable explanation for it.
 
#20 ·
Do you know the name of the OM, his physical address, and his position with your W's company?

If perchance you come to the conclusion that either an EA or PA is in fast progress, then you might try contacting his W as well as notifying the HR Department about their activity. Contrary to popular belief, most companies takes a dim view of and does not particularly like the publicity of any extracurricular hanky-panky going on between married members of its workforce!

Meantime, go see your personal physician to be checked out for the presence of STD's and also arrange an exploratory meeting with a good family attorney to explore your legal options!

Sorry you are here but you've definitely come to the right place here at TAM!

Posted via Mobile Device
 
#21 ·
Does her phone have a removable chip of some sort in it? If it has a micro-SD, or maybe the SIM card, the messages may be stored on there rather than on internal memory. Ditto emails. You could pull the chip and copy it quickly to your computer while she's in the shower. You can also search for "deleted" files on the chip. Deleted files still exist on the chip until overwritten by newer data. If you're not familiar, it is like a book with a table of contents. You can erase the table of contents and thus not be able to easily know what is in the book, but the rest of the pages are still in the book. You can look at the pages and read them. When a file is deleted, the entry in the table of contents is erased but the file itself still exists until the space is needed for newer info. A casual look at the device says the files aren't there, but it is only the entry in the table of contents which isn't there.

There are many programs/apps out there to allow you to read the deleted files. You either need to install the app on her phone, pull the chip from her phone, or attach her phone to a computer with the app installed there. Figure on needing 15 minutes to do this. Practice first on another similar phone so you know how to do it cleanly and quickly.
 
#22 ·
Limbo

Women involved with other men physically or emotionally do not wait weeks in between contact. You can take it to the bank that if she has banged him or is he n an EA the contact will be pretty much daily in some form. Especially if it is relatively new when the excitement and new relationship thrill is at its zenith.
The VAR will do the trick. She may be waiting to meet him until you are gone but the planning is going on all the time
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#23 ·
I do know the OM name but he doesn't actually work for the same company, he works for a vendor to my W's company. I don't have his physical address or anything. Originally I thought about contacting his W but honestly would like some more proof before I do that.

Next time I get access to her phone I will try the suggested apps, etc. The phone doesn't have a microSD and honestly I really doubt anything is stored on the sim. I'm also concerned they use FB messenger to contact but I haven't been able to crack that yet.
 
#24 ·
If she's got an android phone, then she must have a google account. Get her google account username and password. From there you should be able to look at all her online activity. Best to do it from her phone, just open her google browser, click on settings, then click on history. This will take you to her google "myactivity".
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#25 ·
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a terrible experience!

I would talk to her about it NOW, express your concern and how much this would hurt you if it were true. I say this as she may not have taken things further than conversation and flirting (though I know this is upsetting too) at this point which may give you an opportunity to step in and stop it from happening. Talking and even flirting with someone can be stopped, she will forget him with time - if she confesses to an emotional affair tell her to change work places (drastic times call for drastic measures). But if she sleeps with him and you could have stopped this in it's tracks you will struggle to forgive yourself and her - things become really painful. Step in, let her know you love her, talk about what she is seeking and how you may work things out together.
 
#28 ·
Limbo,

The information about him being a vendor for her company makes it much more probably this is an active PA because
(1) he is apparently obviously in out side sales, meaning he probably controls his schedule and is not tied to desk 9-5.
(2) she knows when you are scheduled to travel and this activity seems to uptick then.

BUT You apparently still really are hoping to make this all go away by wishing because it has been days now and you are still asking techie questions and dripping information here instead of installing the snooping that can get you an answer. Your FIRST stop this morning if you are in US should be Best Buy to buy the VAR's. If you do not take that step yuou are not serious about trying to catch her or even find out what is going on.

So after the VAR, your next actions should be
(1) get a GPS on the car
(2) four $29.95, if you know his name you can find out everything but his jock size. There are multiple web sites that will tell you his name, address, phone number, wifes name, children's name . All you have to do is a few clicks with your credit card in hand.
Is that too mmuch trouble?????? And do NOT TELL HER ANYTHING.
(3) Fake her out and tell her you are going on a trip and leave and come back later in the day or at night suddenly. My guess is she will not be home if she has enough notice for him to change his schedule.
(4) Hire a PI if you can afford it the next time you leave town.

I hope you finally can grasp you are not helpless here unless you want to be. No, right now, you should not confront her but rather get this technology in place and let her hang herself. Now, when you find out they are planning to hook up, then you will have to make a choice if you sit still and let it happen. There are some men who for some silly reason have to catch them in bed together before taking any action. Do not be one of those. You are not in a court of law.

Now hopefully the next time you post it will not be to just ask phone questions with one sentence responses but a plan of action, INCLUDING what you plan to do when you confirm she is cheating. You need that plan and if we are wrong, then you have prepared for the worst that did not happen. Bettger safe than sorry is the old saying.

The outcome for those that take strong action is better than those that shrink out of fear. Don't be one of those guys with a 50 page thread who after months comes back and tells everyone we were all correct ( we hate that) .
 
#29 ·
I really do thank you for your advice. Just wanted everyone to rest assure I am not just sitting about. I have been away the last couple of days, so it's been hard to do much. I have ordered two VAR's which are coming tomorrow. I'll install one in the car and one in the bedroom.

I have spyware installed on her phone so I can see all call logs, at least incoming texts, location and location history. I also have access to all call history and text time/numbers from the mobile phone company. With location tracking on her phone I don't think it's necessary for me to install a GPS in her car also.

She doesn't use a computer at home so no joy there, also I don't know her Gmail or FB passwords. Can't see how to ask for them without tipping my hat that I think something's up - which I don't want to do until I have more evidence.

Please understand that I'm not being lazy or wishy washy, I have a lot going on with work and other family commitments at the moment, so I can't work it 24 hours a day - although it does occupy a lot of my thoughts even when doing other things.

I will get the truth, and hope not to have a 50 page thread in order to do so!
 
#31 ·
Limbo,

Now you're talking!!!

I would not worry about the FB or G Mail right now. As soon as you get the VAR installed in her car, run a bluff and make up dates for a "business trip" . My guess is as soon as she gets out of your sight the VAR will tell you all you need to know.

FYI. There was recently a guy i believe on here or SI that delayed and delayed and the FIRST day he had the VAR in the car he caught her. You suspect this has been going on so i will repeat they are communicating more than just after you leave. just remember, do not tell her how you know and you do NOT have to prove anything to her. you are the judge, jury, and if need be the executioner.

Once you confront her you are most likely going to get a whole bunch of tears, denials, and promises. DO NOT FALL FOR IT .

The most tried and true method of stopping an affair is to notify the other spouse. if Om is pre occupied saving his own ass in most cases he will throw your wife under the bus. The big issue is what you do once she is caught. That one gets complicated but one thing you do not do is trust anything she says that you can not verify.
 
#32 ·
Limbo,

Now you're talking!!!

I would not worry about the FB or G Mail right now. As soon as you get the VAR installed in her car, run a bluff and make up dates for a "business trip" . My guess is as soon as she gets out of your sight the VAR will tell you all you need to know.

FYI. There was recently a guy i believe on here or SI that delayed and delayed and the FIRST day he had the VAR in the car he caught her. You suspect this has been going on so i will repeat they are communicating more than just after you leave. just remember, do not tell her how you know and you do NOT have to prove anything to her. you are the judge, jury, and if need be the executioner.

Once you confront her you are most likely going to get a whole bunch of tears, denials, and promises. DO NOT FALL FOR IT .

The most tried and true method of stopping an affair is to notify the other spouse. if Om is pre occupied saving his own ass in most cases he will throw your wife under the bus. The big issue is what you do once she is caught. That one gets complicated but one thing you do not do is trust anything she says that you can not verify.
Always a good idea to give them an opportunity to hang themselves.
 
#35 ·
No need to argue about me doing a soft confront with no evidence as that won't be happening.

Quick update: VAR's have arrived and I'm going to install hopefully today in the house and tomorrow in the car. I guess under the pax seat would be best for the car? Any other tips/advice welcome.
 
#36 ·
In the car make sure it can't come loose. Use strong velcro. Find a location where it can't be easily seen and where she won't easily feel it if she drops something on the floor and tries to find it. Ideally it would be where you can pull it out quickly since you know where it is, but she can't discover it. Another option is to put it up under the dashboard somewhere. Just be sure she can't easily kick it or bump it with her purse and dislodge it.

If it has a speaker, make sure you have completely disabled it with whatever controls the unit has. Also, if there is an earphone jack it should physically disconnect the speaker when earphone/earbuds are plugged in. Test it. If so, cut the wires off of a cheap earphone/earbud and plug in just the plug. This will make sure the VAR makes no sounds. If there is no earphone jack but it does have a speaker, you can cut the wires to the speaker without killing the VAR. You would have to open up the case carefully and then snip the wire to the speaker.

Use top quality batteries. Make sure whatever storage media it uses is installed and large enough capacity. Make sure you know how to get it into voice-activated mode rather than constant recording mode. Basically, play with it for a few minutes. Test it out before deploying it.
 
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