My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 465Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 05:35 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 72
My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

I'm sitting in this hotel room, not sure what I'm going to do, feel like I'm going crazy. Extremely sad, even more angry....not even sure why I'm here on this forum. Maybe I just want some place to use as a sounding board, idk. Anyway, our details:

Me 40, W 39, married 18 years
3 daughters, 16, 14 & 2 (the 2 yr old was unplanned)

I just finished up a contracting job a week ago Sunday, 10/2 that was supposed to last about 2 1/2 months longer, but my team and I finished it in just under 10 months instead of the one year timeframe that it was supposed to take. The job was on the road, all across the country, 1 location at a time. During these 10 months I'd come home every other weekend for a 4 day weekend with the family. When the offer came thru for this job, my initial reaction was to say no. I didn't want to be away from the family that much. But my wife encouraged me to take it. She said the money would really put us in a great place, and it will....it has.

I flew home very early the morning of Mon 10/3, not telling my W about the job finishing early, as I wanted to surprise her. I go to her work....she's the dept head of the computer science program at a small college here locally. In addition, she teaches several classes in the same field at that college. So I go in to the bldg where she teaches and sit on a bench waiting for her class to let out. I can hear her talking, but I don't want her to see me bc I want to surprise her, so I stay out of sight. The class still has about 45 mins to go. A young lady comes and sits on the other end of the bench. She pulls out a book and starts reading. I recognize the book as one from one of the classes that my wife teaches. I ask the young lady if she's in my wife's class. She asks me who my wife is, so I tell her, and she gets this very uncomfortable look on her face. I ask her if she's ok....she just looks at me. After about a minute of awkward silence, she asks if I'm looking to get arrested. I asked her what she was talking about. She says that it's common knowledge that my W and I are divorcing bc I've been physically abusive to her, and that my W has a restraining order taken out on me. I'm dumbfounded by this. I told her I think she's confused. She says she isn't. I told her I was there to surprise my W bc I'm home 2 months early from a job. She stays quiet. She says she's going to go get security. I ask her to please don't cause a commotion, and I tell her to watch....I tell her I'm going to get out of sight and call my W, and she'll leave her classroom and answer, bc she always takes my calls. I told her that I would act like I was still out of state bc I still want to surprise her. She says she thinks I'm just trying to get away. As I'm walking away, I tell her to just watch. I go outside and call my W. She answers after several rings. She's happy to hear my voice. I tell her I just called bc I miss her voice, but I had to go back to work. We exchange "I love you"s and hang up. I head back in and the girl said she doesn't know what the F is going on. She tells me that she saw my W come out of the classroom and take the call. And yes, she seemed very happy talking to me. She then proceeds to tell me that my wife has a boyfriend that is a student there at the college, he was her student last semester, said they don't hide their relationship and it's been going on for a while. Also, the girl knows the guy pretty well....very small college, same field of study, they pretty much all know each other. She says he's in his second year there, but he's "old. like around 30". Jeez, she must think I'm ancient. She also tells me that my W tells everyone that she's divorcing me bc I'm crazy and physically abusive. I tell her that I don't believe her....I don't have a clue what's going on. I've never raised a hand to her. She says even the staff knows. I tell her I don't think this is funny. She tells me to hold on.....she then goes into a computer lab and comes back out with another female. She tells her who I am, and then I get the same reaction from this girl as I did the first one. She calms her friend down and explains the phone call she just witnessed. At this point, reality has started to hit me....I get kind of dizzy, nauseated, can't breathe. I can't believe it....my W is cheating on me and if what I'm hearing is true, it seems like she's planning on leaving me. For a ****ing student!!!!! I decide I'm getting out of there....I leave without saying anything and the girls come chasing out after me. The first one that I talked to gives me her phone number and says I can call her if I want. They both promise to keep my being here in town and at the college quiet. The first girl that I met is visibly angry at my W, as I hear her say, "This is the most ****ed up thing I think I have ever come across....what a *****". I drove aimlessly around town for a couple hours, then I decided to get a hotel. A hotel FAR AWAY. I don't want to be seen by anyone. And now I'm sitting here in this hotel for a week now, thinking, thinking, thinking. I don't understand anything that's going on, but by god I will get to the bottom of it. I'll take my time, figure things out....I mean, I have 2+ months to gather evidence without her knowing I'm here, if that's what I need to do.

I've already picked up some VARs and I will place them in the house while she's teaching on tomorrow, as well as put one in her car.

I'm hoping this will all be a misunderstanding.....but it won't be. I'm a realist. She's cheating. God dammit! Right in front of everyone's face. But they're all fooled. And they've all been made to believe I'm the bad guy. ****.

****. ****. ****.

Good God I am so ****ing ANGRY!!!!! I've been in this ****ty hotel for a freaking week! And several times a day I think my heart is going to pop out of my chest. I've done absolutely nothing here except get more and more pissed off. I thought we were solid. She was what kept me going on the road this past 9+ months. When did she stop loving me? And why? She knows I could never forgive this...we've discussed it. ****...

I don't understand her blatantly lying to ppl about me being abusive to her and that we're divorcing. I mean, I get that she plans on leaving me, but these ppl she's telling, she knows I can cross paths with them. Not that I ever do....we live in a HUGE city where it's easy to never see anyone you know unless you make the effort to do so. I guess she's counting on that. And there is no restraining order. I checked. Again, blatant lie about me for no other reason than to make me look like ****!

But she wasn't counting on me being home 2+ months early. And I am going to use that to my advantage.

I'm in a hotel that's more than 100 miles from home, again, bc I don't want anyone seeing me. Being invisible will be my advantage. And I may call that girl that tipped me off. I could use an ally.

Jesus....I'm so pissed. I don't want to R. Not. At. All. It won't happen.

I'm going to **** her world up.

I'll update again tomorrow, if anyone is interested.
Posted via Mobile Device
Posted via Mobile Device


Last edited by TimeIsOnMySide; 10-17-2016 at 05:37 PM. Reason: I've lost track of time, been in the hotel for two weeks
TimeIsOnMySide is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 05:41 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,165
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

Sorry man.

DNA the 2-year-old.
GusPolinski is offline  
post #3 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 05:44 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 72
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

One more thing.....I got kind of suspicious about a month ago. She sent me a text that said, "I'll be back soon" with a heart emoji. I asked her about it and she babbles nervously, said it was for our daughter. I spoke to my daughter who said she didn't remember getting it. I probed her some more, and she said mom wasn't home much lately bc she was always at work or the gym. My wife did the same babbling about the gym when I asked her. I eventually halfway wrote it off, the way that I've seen a lot of ppl do from threads here. Tried to convince myself it was nothing. But deep down I kind of knew. I read A LOT here before posting. I only just now admitted to myself that a part of the reason for coming home unannounced was to gauge her reaction. I never suspected that if something was actually going on, she'd be so blatant about it.
Posted via Mobile Device
TimeIsOnMySide is offline  
 
post #4 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 05:51 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,988
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

Do you have anyone who can go with you when you put the VARs in the house and in her car? It would be best if you had someone there as a witness should she show up for some reason.
EleGirl is offline  
post #5 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 05:53 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,988
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

You might also want to put a gps device on her vehicle.

Does your state have fault divorce?
EleGirl is offline  
post #6 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 05:59 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 72
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Do you have anyone who can go with you when you put the VARs in the house and in her car? It would be best if you had someone there as a witness should she show up for some reason.
I'm going to call that girl. Maybe she'll go. I don't want anyone else to know I'm in the area.
Posted via Mobile Device
TimeIsOnMySide is offline  
post #7 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 06:04 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,585
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

Staying in a hotel for several months can't be cheap.
Is there a family member you trust that you can stay with instead, while you get your ducks in a row?

I can't believe how she character assasinated you to her class and to the staff.
You need to take the upper hand and have her served, immediately.

Remember to take care of your health. You need to be healthy to see clearly through this process.

You also need to decide whether you are completely done or if you could forgive if she were truly remorseful. I personally would never forgive such actions as she has done, but everyone has to come to terms with their own "thresholds."

Whatever you decide, there will come a time when you will have to come out of hiding and you'll need to communicate with her again, if only to talk about child matters.

I agree with Gus, DNA test your youngest. What you decide to do with the information is up to you.

A spouse that tells such lies makes me think that she has zero love for you, and complete love for herself and maintaining her "victim" mentality.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #8 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 06:07 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 72
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
You might also want to put a gps device on her vehicle.

Does your state have fault divorce?
I'll do a GPS if I decide I need to. I already know she's cheating.


And yes I do. Which really doesn't matter bc we have a pre-nup that her dad insisted we get. She's pretty much screwed bc of her dad. He thought I wasn't good enough for her bc I had dropped out of college to go into business for myself. We were in the same college, same major. I dropped out, we got married two years later right after she graduated. I was making money at that time. But now....I make about 30 times what she makes now. The pre-nup states that we maintain separate accounts and we each have our paychecks sent there, although we're each listed on the other one's amount. How we pay our bills is up to us, but in the event of divorce, we each keep what's in our own accounts.
Posted via Mobile Device
TimeIsOnMySide is offline  
post #9 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 06:12 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 72
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Staying in a hotel for several months can't be cheap.
Is there a family member you trust that you can stay with instead, while you get your ducks in a row?

I can't believe how she character assasinated you to her class and to the staff.
You need to take the upper hand and have her served, immediately.

Remember to take care of your health. You need to be healthy to see clearly through this process.

You also need to decide whether you are completely done or if you could forgive if she were truly remorseful. I personally would never forgive such actions as she has done, but everyone has to come to terms with their own "thresholds."

Whatever you decide, there will come a time when you will have to come out of hiding and you'll need to communicate with her again, if only to talk about child matters.

I agree with Gus, DNA test your youngest. What you decide to do with the information is up to you.

A spouse that tells such lies makes me think that she has zero love for you, and complete love for herself and maintaining her "victim" mentality.

Fortunately, I can afford a hotel for as long as I want. I just got a lump sum final pay out for that job, and it's huge. I put it in a new account, bc if she saw it, she'd know the job was done. I make really good money.

She'll be served in time. I am done with her.

The 2 year old.....I'll check her DNA. But I'm sure she was conceived when we took a month long vacation to Hawaii. Nevertheless, better to be safe and check.

I think I'm going to hire a private investigator.
Posted via Mobile Device
TimeIsOnMySide is offline  
post #10 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 06:13 PM
Member
 
weightlifter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: NE US
Posts: 4,140
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

Show up during her class with flowers...

And the sheriff and a divorce petition.

weightlifter is offline  
post #11 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 06:18 PM
Member
 
honcho's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2,661
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

Sorry for the situation that has been thrust upon you. At this point you know what's going on, your spouse isn't hiding it from anyone but you. She has already cast you in the "monster" role. Your first step now should be to talk to an attorney. Find out what the rules of your state are for divorce. If it's no fault VAR and stuff aren't going to do you much good. You know this isn't just a misunderstanding and the way the rumor mills work around schools the secret of you being back won't stay a secret long.

Find out your legal rights and process.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
honcho is offline  
post #12 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 06:26 PM
Forum Supporter
 
MarriedDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: ORYGUN
Posts: 1,848
I am sorry this is happening to you. I know how tough it is on the road.

Take care of yourself, hopefully you're at an extended stay...way more like a home. Make sure she doesnt have access to your credit card info that would show your hotel. Eat something....odd are you havent been...exercise, it will help. You need to keep yourself occupied and healthy.

Since you already know its a deal breaker...you have a prenup...just have her served and be done with it. Get a lawyer, like yesterday, have him review the prenup and figure out where the fight will come from....cause it will and you know it.

Again...take care of you.
MarriedDude is offline  
post #13 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 06:33 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 72
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

It's over. Period.

But there are things that I HAVE TO KNOW. I'm looking for a PI right now.
Posted via Mobile Device
TimeIsOnMySide is offline  
post #14 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 06:40 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3putt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Myrtle Beach
Posts: 3,763
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

Quote:
Originally Posted by weightlifter View Post
Show up during her class with flowers...

And the sheriff and a divorce petition.
Now that would be epic!

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -Mark Twain

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech. -Proverbs 5:3
3putt is offline  
post #15 of 331 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 06:47 PM
Forum Supporter
 
MarriedDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: ORYGUN
Posts: 1,848
Re: My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know

Quote:
Originally Posted by TimeIsOnMySide View Post
It's over. Period.

But there are things that I HAVE TO KNOW. I'm looking for a PI right now.
Posted via Mobile Device
The PI is the best way to go. Please don't go through the phone book (though you don't sound like you would)...

Best to hit up your county sheriff or DA's office to find out who they use (It's public info as it's typically bid out).

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
MarriedDude is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Closed Thread

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife said she is disappointed with our lives Janetandjohn General Relationship Discussion 74 02-01-2017 06:14 PM
Is this controlling behavior or is it just me? TomNebraska General Relationship Discussion 154 10-22-2016 03:44 PM
My Now “Prude” Wife Nederlandsk Sex in Marriage 20 06-08-2016 08:53 PM
How should I handle this situation regarding my wife and her male friend, Do I have mississippisfinest82 General Relationship Discussion 138 06-06-2016 04:56 PM
Issues between my wife and my parents SDK8489 General Relationship Discussion 24 05-31-2016 12:49 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome