Red flags in Marriage - time to end? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-20-2016, 08:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Sure, you can move it. Thanks!

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post #17 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-20-2016, 09:39 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Usually people will not use a family computer anymore to do anything "they don't want to

be caught doing"

Does she always have her work phone locked? A VAR will help you see if there is a burner

phone too. I've been here four years and it still amazes me how many WS still use a DC/CC...

and leave a paper trail.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #18 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-20-2016, 09:44 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Originally Posted by mcgyver View Post
Over the years my wife of 8 years has alwIays gone off on business trips alone. About 6 months ago she went on one and didn't answer the phone or call once, which is really odd because we have 2 kids - 4 and 2. I threw a fit about it, and she said she was staying with a co-worker in a hotel that was a stranger and felt awkward about it. I didn't buy it but dropped it. Later, in a social setting a different co-worker of hers let it be known that she was at the bar every night on that trip, yet that co-worker was not on the trip with her, and she isn't the type to make things up. I let it go, but have been watching closely. She stays after work 1 night a week to write her paper for school and on numerous occasions I have called her out on not doing her studies. I found receipts to ice cream shops and donut shops in the middle of the evening. She just completely downplays them. Last night was the final strawl. She had her login saved for find my iphone on her ipad and I looked it up, and found out she was at her old work instead of at the place she said she was writing her paper at. I sent her a text and she told me she was at a different place. When I questioned it, I think I just said "you're where" back in a reply she said "well I was there, now I'm here with an old co-worker. She met me at my school with another friend and now I brought her home. " i stopped replying. She came home in a fit of rage and accused me of checking her location. I lied and said I didn't. After all, she had no proof and was the culprit. She put our oldest child to bed and I didn't say much. She asked if I still wanted to be with her and I didn't answer and went to bed. She was up all night crying. This morning she said she could not stand the thought of not being with me for the rest of her life. I want to believe her, but also know that love is blind. I came here for an outside opinion.

Thanks for listening.

McGyver,


You ju yourself wrote why you need to make your first stop tomorrow morning Best Buy and for less than $100 you can buy the necessary VAR to find out what she is up to in less than a week. The techies will tell you here exactly what to buy. Do it and you will make a decision from knowledge.

With separate work electronics you will not catch her without being proactive here.
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post #19 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-24-2016, 04:17 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

>My husband and I talk alot about "hedges" around our marriage. These protect our marriage from things intentional and unintentional conscious and unconscious that may impact our relationship. He NEVER goes out with a woman alone. I NEVER go out with a man alone. It doesn't even matter how good of friends we are. it doesn't matter if the woman is his boss. He doesn't go and he is respected for it. When he is not home, I never let another man in the door. I will go out side and chat or talk, but never inside. We know each other's passwords on all devices - complete transparency. These are all hedges and they protect us and give us such a great trust and unity. I hope you can get to that point with your wife for the sake of you, her and the kids.<

Kudos.

OP. Start faking it better. You have a stomach bug if she asks. Read the standard evidence post. Stay off devices that dont belong to either of you. Take alternate paths of evidence gathering.

Catching the cheater:
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post #20 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 09:39 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

First of all, I'm sorry. This worry is all consuming. Second, you need to decide what you want. Based on the fact that she cried all night tells me that you have the leverage. If something is going on she wants you and the family more.

So what do you want? Do you want to go to therapy? Ask. Do you want travel cut back? Ask. Or do you want more attention? Ask.

If you need to know, then you go to her and say, I want to talk about the other night. Watch body language, see how defensive she gets, etc. (please note some defense could be due to you nagging or asking about this too much)

And the be quiet. Let her squirm. Then if she goes off in one direction and then comes back to another, and is very upset and you can tell rattled. You say, "that's really disappointing I thought we were better than this and you could just be honest." And walk away calmly.

That sentence will plaque her with worry and eventually she will slip or confess. That is if she is guilty. It's important to not talk about the details. But stay quiet so she doesn't know what information you have.

After that you choose what you want. Do you want to fix it (reread top) or do you want to walk. Then you rally friends and family cause you will need support along with your decision.

My guess is you will stay and work on it. Make sure you go to a specialized marriage counselor that has training in infidelity.

Check out this article for awesome tips to help: http://www.southmetrocounseling.com/...ats-full-of-bs

And you work on what caused the stray. There's almost always a reason and a way to fix it (imo).


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post #21 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 04:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Originally Posted by jmiller2020 View Post
First of all, I'm sorry. This worry is all consuming. Second, you need to decide what you want. Based on the fact that she cried all night tells me that you have the leverage. If something is going on she wants you and the family more.

So what do you want? Do you want to go to therapy? Ask. Do you want travel cut back? Ask. Or do you want more attention? Ask.

If you need to know, then you go to her and say, I want to talk about the other night. Watch body language, see how defensive she gets, etc. (please note some defense could be due to you nagging or asking about this too much)

And the be quiet. Let her squirm. Then if she goes off in one direction and then comes back to another, and is very upset and you can tell rattled. You say, "that's really disappointing I thought we were better than this and you could just be honest." And walk away calmly.

That sentence will plaque her with worry and eventually she will slip or confess. That is if she is guilty. It's important to not talk about the details. But stay quiet so she doesn't know what information you have.

After that you choose what you want. Do you want to fix it (reread top) or do you want to walk. Then you rally friends and family cause you will need support along with your decision.

My guess is you will stay and work on it. Make sure you go to a specialized marriage counselor that has training in infidelity.

Check out this article for awesome tips to help: Top 10 Ways To Tell if You're Getting The Best Marriage Counselor or Getting Shafted - SMC

And you work on what caused the stray. There's almost always a reason and a way to fix it (imo).


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Probably the best advice I've heard so far. I feel like a damn idiot with a GPS tracking on her vehicle and listening to her in her car. It's making ME crazy. She doesn't talk much in the car so far and the one conversation she had I could hear her talking about her dissertation paper to someone. It was about a 10 minute conversation. I could make out most of it but the engine noise (yes I tried cleaning up with audacity per/youtube) kept me from every word. That conversation was deleted from her phone call log and I cannot see her bill so I don't know who it was but it doesn't seem worrisome. She came home and told me almost the exact same thing when she got home. Obviously we've talked a lot about the relationship in the last week. I think we get it back on track, and so does she, but I just cannot get happy. I *THINK* something may have happened but I don't think it is going on right now and she will never tell me.

Thank you for the positive outlook. Like I said, playing detective is just not me. If I get caught it will break her heart.
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post #22 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 05:27 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

But is she willing to be completely transparent in all things including not deleting things on her phone? Or is she just saying trust her?
And the biggie would she be willing to take a polygraph if you asked?
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post #23 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 05:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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But is she willing to be completely transparent in all things including not deleting things on her phone? Or is she just saying trust her?
And the biggie would she be willing to take a polygraph if you asked?
I'll end my marriage before I subject her to a polygraph.
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post #24 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 07:27 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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I'll end my marriage before I subject her to a polygraph.
fair enough but what about Transparency ?
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post #25 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 08:24 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Trust your own gut, mcgyver. I've found that free advice is worth exactly the price you pay for it. Better to get a person qualified at finding a solution moving forward and not somebody else who's also been jilted and motivated to establish background for an ironclad divorce settlement. There seems to be this inherent paranoia that I can only guess involves some sort of projection by others on to your situation. I'm not saying put your head in the sand, but neither am I saying that you should subscribe to the paranoia being peddled here. You need to take the high road but also ensure that you and your interests are protected from this. All the rest is "he said, she said" and diminishes both of you in the eyes of others.

That being said, as a parent and a caregiver here's my biased advice: FAMILY should come first. Not work, not school - FAMILY. I see you have young kids. Understand that this is going to affect them in some manner. Talk with your wife about your kids' concerns. Talk about both the good (milestones, things the kids did today, etc.) and the bad (problems with discipline, concerns with the preschool teacher, issues with certain types of kids on the playground, etc.) Hopefully that puts things in perspective for your wife.

You two are PARENTS and need to be a team. There are PLENTY of things that are going to try and divide your family. IMO a parent doesn't get a pass just because they have to work, study - and LEAST OF ALL NETWORK in the interest of career advancement and "team building." Conversely, resist the urge to argue in front of your kids. They will see this and know who's the weaker of the two and use that to forward their own agendas. I've seen it in my own family, even as early as 3 years old - and it SHOULDN'T be written off as the "terrible twos." Kids know. Trust me.

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post #26 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 07:16 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Originally Posted by mcgyver View Post
Probably the best advice I've heard so far. I feel like a damn idiot with a GPS tracking on her vehicle and listening to her in her car. It's making ME crazy. She doesn't talk much in the car so far and the one conversation she had I could hear her talking about her dissertation paper to someone. It was about a 10 minute conversation. I could make out most of it but the engine noise (yes I tried cleaning up with audacity per/youtube) kept me from every word. That conversation was deleted from her phone call log and I cannot see her bill so I don't know who it was but it doesn't seem worrisome. She came home and told me almost the exact same thing when she got home. Obviously we've talked a lot about the relationship in the last week. I think we get it back on track, and so does she, but I just cannot get happy. I *THINK* something may have happened but I don't think it is going on right now and she will never tell me.



Thank you for the positive outlook. Like I said, playing detective is just not me. If I get caught it will break her heart.


You are walking in a foreign world, how would you possible know what to do. Especially when you are in shock, panicking trying to save your marriage and keep your family whole... you are doing the very best you can. Keep telling yourself that and if you have any questions just ask


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post #27 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 07:25 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

1. You know what happens when you spy and tell the woman what you found out?

She becomes paranoid. Looks over her shoulder all the time. Feels trapped. Feels like someone is watching her all the time.

That's not a good formula for a successful marriage.

Spying is always the wrong answer unless you are 100% prepared to take the "evidence" you get and act on it. Meaning if she is cheating you divorce.

Otherwise you have just created a new mess whereby the woman, even if she says she will stop cheating, will not trust you and will not feel safe with you.

That is what spying does.

Best Approach

Simply sit down, and have a calm and cool conversation. Tell her what you are thinking and feeling by what you know. And then let her react to it. Listen to her and don't try to interrupt or question her or tell her what to do.

After that if I was you, I'd sharpen myself and make sure I am doing the right behaviors to make her feel

Safe - Special - Happy

And to behave in a way the promotes high trust (masculine behaviors)

That is a formula for success.


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post #28 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 08:04 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Always make sure the woman you marry is dumber and less educated than you.
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post #29 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Always make sure the woman you marry is dumber and less educated than you.
I definitely screwed up on that one..
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post #30 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 10:04 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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I definitely screwed up on that one..
Next time you will know better.
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