Red flags in Marriage - time to end? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 07:48 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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That's it. I asked her about it directly and she said she has never cheated on me. I mentioned some details that were brought up and she didn't deny going to the bar, but said it was once. Per/Text message conversation I knew it was twice but I didn't divulge that information at the time, and she had trouble looking me in the eye for about 3 minutes. I'm trying to get myself past it what I believe happened. Yesterday I heard on the recording as she was pulling out of her parking spot at work she nailed a curb with her front bumper. She cursed herself for it pretty good, and I brought it up this morning after seeing it as we were leaving (it's very noticeable damage) and she played it off like she didn't know what happened, she "must" have hit something. I decided not to give her a hard time about it. I just don't know where to be with this relationship anymore. After a lengthy conversation the other night I feel like we got to a better place, but caught her in another lie. I made it a point to give her a hard time about where she spent some money to get her to hopefully talk in her car and it worked. I cannot make out the conversation in full because of engine noise and the radio was on, but I got the gist of her complaining really hard about me giving her a hard time about it to someone. She told me that night that I'm the only person she has to talk to about these relationship problems. Another lie. I've never had a reason to not trust her until recently. I want to believe it's just coincidence. But.. she keeps lying. I'm going on a guys trip in 2 weeks out of town for 3 nights, she wont have the kids 2 of them. I decided to keep the real time GPS tracking on her car during that time to see what transpires and will go from there. It's making me sick to my stomach...
Confronting a possible cheater without any evidence is breaking rule number one. Successfully doing so is so rare as to being nonexistent.

Now you are several steps behind. If it turns out she hasn't cheated, its not your fault she has been acting squirrelly and lying to your face.

There are many possible signs to cheating. New lingerie you never see her wearing, immediately showering when she comes home, new personal grooming down below, more or less sex with you than normal, new sexual techniques, shopping without buying things, working late, going to work early, lying about where she's been, angry when asked about it, new interests in music, dressing up more, more make up, new hair style, working out, losing weight, working out, hiding phone/device screens, sleeping with phone taking it everywhere even while taking a bath, etc.

Her phone connection with your child's Ipad may be promising. are the connected with the cloud?

Pretend you believe everything she has said and investigate, its your duty.

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post #47 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 09:06 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Go into detective mode. Keep quiet and act normal. It is your job as a father to protect your kids and family. If that takes snooping so be it. Use any tool you can find. No beta excuses, just do it.

NEVER tell her how you know what you know. Never tell her all you know.
^^^ THIS ^^^

Mouth SHUT! Ear, Eyes open.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #48 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 11:11 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Your wife has no problem lying to you and you have evidence that she is discussing your relationship with someone outside the marriage. Others have given you good tools to find an on-going affair.

However, if the physical cheating was one time, on that trip where she was missing in action, you may have a problem. Did her attitude toward you change when she got home from that trip?

See if you can get more info from the person who told you she was in the bar two nights. Was she with someone at the bar? Did she leave the bar with someone?

Last edited by TDSC60; 10-30-2016 at 11:18 AM.
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post #49 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 04:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Your wife has no problem lying to you and you have evidence that she is discussing your relationship with someone outside the marriage. Others have given you good tools to find an on-going affair.

However, if the physical cheating was one time, on that trip where she was missing in action, you may have a problem. Did her attitude toward you change when she got home from that trip?

See if you can get more info from the person who told you she was in the bar two nights. Was she with someone at the bar? Did she leave the bar with someone?
No it didn't. We have a great relationship and friendship. She called me for about 30 minutes on the car ride home was excited to be coming home. We have sex a LOT. She thanks me daily for our life together.

Someone early mentioned her boss... her boss and everyone in her department are women. The hardest part of this all is we don't have combined social circles. As far as her phone, I saw her take it into the bathroom the other day for about 5 minutes, bring it out on the counter, set it down, look at me and state that she's taking our kids to bed. I have a feel she is baiting me to look at it, yet removed everything from it, because she takes it everywhere with her 99% of the time. I haven't even been looking at it to try to get her to not be shady about it. She changed her itunes password, I cannot track it anymore. I have VAR in car, bedroom and real time GPS tracking on her car. It's amazing how convincing she is that nothing is going on, and when we're out just the two of us it's like it always has been--fun and exciting. She is my best friend. If I don't find anything soon or when I'm away on my trip in 2 weeks I'm going to shut this operation down. It's driving me crazy and I think I at least need a break. When I'm in her car I am getting anxiety attacks--because I hear things like her SYNC connecting that I hear on the VAR and it is making me so sick. She notices. I can't help it I've tried being normal.
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post #50 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 05:36 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

McGyver, you have to hold it together for a while longer. Do not give up now. YOu will be glad that you did either way.
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post #51 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 06:03 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

i think your approach is sensible...i wonder how she would feel (seeing you will be out of town) how she will feel if she can not get a hold of you? perhaps those days where she is will not have the kids...i bet (esp.) if she is up to something, not knowing where you are at that moment may make her paranoid.

Last edited by Lostinthought61; 10-31-2016 at 08:02 AM.
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post #52 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 06:37 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

mcgyver Your gut is the most state of the art technology on the planet

You are right to follow it

55

Endeavor to persevere for your love and happiness

Give up on yourself and others will follow
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post #53 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 07:12 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

McG..... picture yourself at work and the woman of your dreams comes aboard. How would you

keep from getting caught? Also.... when the police ask one to come in for questioning, they tell

very little to nothing of what they already know. "Tell us what you know and we'll go easy on you"

Something's not right. WSs always slip up, always.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #54 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 07:43 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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No it didn't. We have a great relationship and friendship. She called me for about 30 minutes on the car ride home was excited to be coming home. We have sex a LOT. She thanks me daily for our life together.

Someone early mentioned her boss... her boss and everyone in her department are women. The hardest part of this all is we don't have combined social circles. As far as her phone, I saw her take it into the bathroom the other day for about 5 minutes, bring it out on the counter, set it down, look at me and state that she's taking our kids to bed. I have a feel she is baiting me to look at it, yet removed everything from it, because she takes it everywhere with her 99% of the time. I haven't even been looking at it to try to get her to not be shady about it. She changed her itunes password, I cannot track it anymore. I have VAR in car, bedroom and real time GPS tracking on her car. It's amazing how convincing she is that nothing is going on, and when we're out just the two of us it's like it always has been--fun and exciting. She is my best friend. If I don't find anything soon or when I'm away on my trip in 2 weeks I'm going to shut this operation down. It's driving me crazy and I think I at least need a break. When I'm in her car I am getting anxiety attacks--because I hear things like her SYNC connecting that I hear on the VAR and it is making me so sick. She notices. I can't help it I've tried being normal.

Eh...This is One Big Red Flag....You do not have a great relationship and friendship. She is playing you!

God Creates out of Nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but He does what is still more Wonderful: He makes Saints out of Sinners.

Soren Kierkegaard
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post #55 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 08:24 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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If I don't find anything soon or when I'm away on my trip in 2 weeks I'm going to shut this operation down. It's driving me crazy and I think I at least need a break. When I'm in her car I am getting anxiety attacks--because I hear things like her SYNC connecting that I hear on the VAR and it is making me so sick. She notices. I can't help it I've tried being normal.
I am not at all surprised that spying on your spouse is making you sick. It would make me sick, too. It is all deception, and deception bothers our conscience, whether we are cheating or spying.

If you do not trust her, why not just file?

If she does not want the divorce, you can ask her to convince you she has not been lying to you. If she confesses, and you still want to be with her, ask her to re-earn your trust.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #56 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 08:27 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Always make sure the woman you marry is dumber and less educated than you.
Bandit. Come on.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #57 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 09:29 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Bandit. Come on.
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post #58 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 10:04 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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It's amazing how convincing she is that nothing is going on, and when we're out just the two of us it's like it always has been--fun and exciting. She is my best friend.
Women in general value the relationship more than sex. That’s why when caught in an affair they tell their husband that it was only sex. They think that’s comforting because that is want they would want to hear if the situation was reversed. i.e. the relationship was always secure. In their mind the sex means little or nothing when compared to the relationship. The primary reason they don’t want their husband having sex with another woman is because that could threaten their relationship.

I know of several cases where the WW loved their husband very much and planned to grow old with them. The OM was just for fun and no harm done if no one found out. In one case the wife bought her husband an extravagant gift out of the blue during her affair because she loved him so much. (I think it was her way of expressing to herself how strong the relationship was and that her affair didn’t matter)

In the great majority of cases the WS vilifies their BS in order to justify their affair and feel less guilty. They blow up small things that the BS did. This newly developed low opinion of their spouse makes them treat them differently and usually is the first sign of an affair.

People that think that sex is meaningless don’t have to go through this process. They don’t feel guilty about what they’re doing and don’t have to degrade their spouse. Their spouse is great so they treat them as they always have.

The other more common explanation for why your wife can act so normal is that she has a great ability to compartmentalize. It might be a little of both. She has no plan to ever leave you so it isn't that bad.









[

Last edited by Graywolf2; 10-31-2016 at 10:12 AM.
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post #59 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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If she does not want the divorce, you can ask her to convince you she has not been lying to you. If she confesses, and you still want to be with her, ask her to re-earn your trust.
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I have told her that I do not trust her and she said she wants to work to re-earn my trust. She will not confess to any wrong doing, she says she loves me and that she is not perfect with everything she has done in her life, but she is perfect when it comes to being faithful. I have no hard evidence to support otherwise, but the further I dig in the sicker it is making me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about it. My best audio is not audible due to engine noise and highway noise, I'm trying to find a way to clean it up so I can hear conversations better. Some I can only hear her talking but cannot make out what she's saying. I have tried a few different programs but I cannot seem to get it clean.
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post #60 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 11:07 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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I have told her that I do not trust her and she said she wants to work to re-earn my trust. She will not confess to any wrong doing, she says she loves me and that she is not perfect with everything she has done in her life, but she is perfect when it comes to being faithful. I have no hard evidence to support otherwise, but the further I dig in the sicker it is making me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about it. My best audio is not audible due to engine noise and highway noise, I'm trying to find a way to clean it up so I can hear conversations better. Some I can only hear her talking but cannot make out what she's saying. I have tried a few different programs but I cannot seem to get it clean.
McGyver

The tried and true saying on these forums is TRUST YOUR GUT!!!! And you gut is telling you not to rugsweep this.

If she is so adamant about being truthful she should NOT be so pissed off that when she says she is one place and that is a lie that you would get suspicious. You have two choices. Let he gas light you or demand as someone said she prove to you she is not lying to you about cheating and a polygraph can do that in 30 minutes. Her reaction if you ask for it will tell you something even if you never intend to do it, but you should. my guess is she will resemble a ghost.

Married folks do not lie to their spouse about where they are for no reason. if you can come up with open lets hear it. So either you get intimidated by her getting mad and put your head in sand and hope for the best or you push back and let her prove what she says.
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