Red flags in Marriage - time to end? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #61 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 11:09 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Try moving the VAR or use a wired mic routed to a better location.

In the meantime, stfu to her about your suspicions and not trusting her. She will be extra careful if she thinks you are suspicious. That's why the VAR is so powerful, because cheaters (and all of us) feel we are truly alone when in our car.

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post #62 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 11:19 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Women in general value the relationship more than sex. Thatís why when caught in an affair they tell their husband that it was only sex. They think thatís comforting because that is want they would want to hear if the situation was reversed. i.e. the relationship was always secure. In their mind the sex means little or nothing when compared to the relationship. The primary reason they donít want their husband having sex with another woman is because that could threaten their relationship.

I know of several cases where the WW loved their husband very much and planned to grow old with them. The OM was just for fun and no harm done if no one found out. In one case the wife bought her husband an extravagant gift out of the blue during her affair because she loved him so much. (I think it was her way of expressing to herself how strong the relationship was and that her affair didnít matter)

In the great majority of cases the WS vilifies their BS in order to justify their affair and feel less guilty. They blow up small things that the BS did. This newly developed low opinion of their spouse makes them treat them differently and usually is the first sign of an affair.

People that think that sex is meaningless donít have to go through this process. They donít feel guilty about what theyíre doing and donít have to degrade their spouse. Their spouse is great so they treat them as they always have.

The other more common explanation for why your wife can act so normal is that she has a great ability to compartmentalize. It might be a little of both. She has no plan to ever leave you so it isn't that bad.









[
Although I generally see what you are saying, I think you need to be careful of generalizing too much here. Some women may see sex as fun only, but many equate sex WITH the relationship and with love. Same as with some men. My wife would not be able to have a sex only relationship. There would have to be a greater attraction than just sexual. I have known many others like this. They aren't the ONS types. To them, sex is a way of showing affection. I don't doubt that many women see things as you describe, but obviously every person is different.

I think the same can be said about men too though. There are certainly some who are more worried about their wife falling in love then they are about sex. For these men, an EA is more damaging than a drunken ONS, which they can chalk up to a mistake.

To me, what it boils down to is having a spouse willingly do something they know may kill their marriage and end in divorce. That shows me that they value the excitement OVER their marriage. Whether it is sexual or emotional means little when you consider they wanted THAT more than they wanted their marriage.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #63 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 11:34 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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I have told her that I do not trust her and she said she wants to work to re-earn my trust. She will not confess to any wrong doing, she says she loves me and that she is not perfect with everything she has done in her life, but she is perfect when it comes to being faithful. I have no hard evidence to support otherwise, but the further I dig in the sicker it is making me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about it. My best audio is not audible due to engine noise and highway noise, I'm trying to find a way to clean it up so I can hear conversations better. Some I can only hear her talking but cannot make out what she's saying. I have tried a few different programs but I cannot seem to get it clean.
She may be your best friend as you say but are you hers?

Her talk is cheap.

Her actions in misleading you say otherwise.

ďThe time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.Ē


ďThe only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.Ē
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post #64 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 11:55 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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I have told her that I do not trust her and she said she wants to work to re-earn my trust. She will not confess to any wrong doing, she says she loves me and that she is not perfect with everything she has done in her life, but she is perfect when it comes to being faithful. I have no hard evidence to support otherwise, but the further I dig in the sicker it is making me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about it. My best audio is not audible due to engine noise and highway noise, I'm trying to find a way to clean it up so I can hear conversations better. Some I can only hear her talking but cannot make out what she's saying. I have tried a few different programs but I cannot seem to get it clean.
If she was serious about re-earning your trust, she would be 100% transparent. She needs to give you total access to everything... phone, emails, social media accounts...everything, including allowing a location sharing app so that you can see where she is at any point. If she HAS been faithful, she may feel offended by this, but if she cares about your trust and your relationship, she will agree. (after all, if the tables were turned, she would want the same from you) If she hasn't been, she may start out sharing this stuff, but will eventually start changing passwords without telling you, stating that you should just trust her. I know that game, it happened to me with an ex bf.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #65 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:04 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Women in general value the relationship more than sex.
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Although I generally see what you are saying, I think you need to be careful of generalizing too much here.
I understand what youíre saying and appreciate you trying to keep me out of trouble. Thatís why I said ďin generalĒ but often that isnít enough.

In general men are taller than women. There are some very short guys and very tall women. Everyone is supposed to be the same and you get in trouble if you say anything different.
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post #66 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Where do I even have a polygraph done?
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post #67 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 01:21 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Where do I even have a polygraph done?
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Start by asking your local police. They have people they use and might recommend.
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post #68 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Start by asking your local police. They have people they use and might recommend.
She's prescribed adderall for ADHD. I understand this may give the person being tested an advantage...
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post #69 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:02 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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I have tried a few different programs but I cannot seem to get it clean.
I have noticed that there is a big difference between the cheapest VARs and higher quality ones.

One aspect I remember about spying is the stress of it. I remember my heart beating faster and harder than it ever had before.
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post #70 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:05 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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Where do I even have a polygraph done?
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For what it's worth, I think it is not the right time for a polygraph. I strongly advise against it at this time.

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post #71 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:12 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

well Mcgyver, you should at least tell her that..."fine you tell me that you have been 100% faithful to me, and accept that, however i giving you a chance to be honest with me now if i find out later we are divorcing." it may make her think twice
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post #72 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:22 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Well, it would seem that you blew right past the "eyes open mouth shut" portion of @weightlifter's thread.

Ugh.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #73 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

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I have noticed that there is a big difference between the cheapest VARs and higher quality ones.

One aspect I remember about spying is the stress of it. I remember my heart beating faster and harder than it ever had before.
I have the recommended Sony 312. She has a bag/big sack type thing that clips around the front of the driver seat and hanging off her driver seat that I have it in. She has some toys the kids don't use in the main compartment. The small compartment it's in is just big enough for it. Actualy there's a small enough compartment on each side to conceal it. I just removed it from next to the back seat door to the same slot on the other side of the driver seat in hopes of getting better sound quality. hopefully this works better.

As far as heart beating... if I make it 15 minutes without taking a piss I am doing good. I am so uncomfortable right now..
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post #74 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 03:41 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

I agree with Thor that you need to back off for a while and stop talking about it with her. It is only going to make her more careful, which will in turn make it harder for you to catch her.

Be nice as pie to her. Don't mention your suspicions. It is way to early for a polygraph. A polygraph is for AFTER you catch them or after they confess, to ensure that they are giving you the whole story. Trying to get a polygraph now will just send her through the stratosphere. She will be daring you to divorce her.
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post #75 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 06:22 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

McG ..... how often do you take out of town trips? Can one "just come up" and you sit back

and watch her actions? You may need to give her an opportunity and see what she will do.

As for the poster(s) who feel McG was wrong in snooping....

Just like allowing technology into our every day lives, entering a marriage....

you give up your right to privacy.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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