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post #76 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 08:26 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post

Just like allowing technology into our every day lives, entering a marriage....

you give up your right to privacy.
I wouldn't say that , but when she lies and acts sketchy while out of town, she damn well deserves to be snooped on by him ... big time.

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post #77 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 09:17 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Snooping is hopefully a tool to save the marriage not end it. but truth is the ultimate goal.

Think of the lies she has told you. Keep a count. When you eventually confront her it will be useful to tell her you have proof for example of say, twelve different lies. The hardest thing about lying is keeping up with the lies.

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post #78 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 09:37 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

QUOTE=bandit.45;16795225]I agree with Thor that you need to back off for a while and stop talking about it with her. It is only going to make her more careful, which will in turn make it harder for you to catch her.

Be nice as pie to her. Don't mention your suspicions. It is way to early for a polygraph. A polygraph is for AFTER you catch them or after they confess, to ensure that they are giving you the whole story. Trying to get a polygraph now will just send her through the stratosphere. She will be daring you to divorce her.[/QUOTE]


Bandit has a good point here EXCEPT for the fact that you are so upset that you are having a hard time functioning so I am not sure if just sitting still for a few weeks or months wondering and gettin g yourself physically sick is going to be a smart move for you.
I agree you should stop talking to her about it. But your next step should be to ignore the advice about that you should not snoop. What are you supposed to do, sit there and wait for a brick to fall on your head and hope it does not.

If you cannot afford a PI, you quickest and most direct to find out both the truth and where her head is at is to tell her you need her to prove she is not cheating to you or you are divorcing her. She can do that with a polygraph test. If she has absolutely nothing to hide, she should be dragging your ass to the examiner. My wife was cheating and one of the main reasons after I got the whole story that she even got to be married any more is that she on her own found and set up a polygraph test place and anytime I got quiet or upset about anything she asked if it was time to do it. And as far as that now is not the time to do it, that is also a good point if someone told you it could only be done once. But if you find she HAS been cheating, then you just tell her she will be a frequent flyer at the examiner';s office if she wants to stay married to you.

You have to understand, even if you never get to a polygraph, the knowledge that it is hanging over her head will make it clear that while she may cheat or cheat again but she WILL get caught and rather quickly. She has to believe that and believe that the consequence of not telling the truth will end the marriage.

And if she absolutely refuses, guess what that tells you.

Now your health is of utmost importance here, and you will not remain mentally or physically healthy here if you do not get some answers, and not 6 months or a year from now. And snooping through VAR and other means is exhausting for more than a certain period. If you were calm about all of this, and some guys can remain calm, maybe your best course might be different.

But from what you have posted my advice to you is to go on the offensive, force her to show what she really feels and thinks, and get your answers to make a decision.

I know others will disagree. Just my $ .02
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post #79 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 01:03 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

@weightlifter and @GusPolinski. I read on another site that emojos have there own history storied on a phone on that tracts their usage but not tied to the text associated with each use. While not useful to know what was written the fact it was usesd is logged. Inferences can be made from how often it is used or not used. So a "I love you" emojo never commonly used it raises a red flag.

Do not know if there is a way to associate it with a phone number, which would be very useful.

I remember when my nephew was 13 and the subject of porn sites came up him swearing the idea of porn sites where disguising and he had never visited one on his computer. I simply typed the letter "P" into the Http: bar and bang busted, I had read the phrase "went pale" thousands of times first time I saw it. Anyway never had to warn him about posting on social media after that.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #80 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 05:43 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Necessity is an excellent motivator. You feel that "snooping" on your wife is wrong but it is necessary due to her behavior. She is actually the cause of your "snooping" since, had she been totally straightforward with you it would not be necessary for you to find the truth. The truth would already be known. However, since she refuses to act in that manner then you must do what is necessary to allay your concerns. You must not see it as wrong but rather as a means of self preservation.

Peace and long life
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post #81 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 11:39 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Was away. Sorry. PMed back

Catching the cheater:
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post #82 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 07:12 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Quote from a Random Person:-
"Snooping in marriage is always wrong!"

Really? So, is sticking a knife in someone always wrong?

Random Person: "Yeah! It's against the law and it's always wrong!"

And what if the knife is being used by a Doctor to release the poison with a life-threatening staph cyst? Is that wrong?

Random Person: "Well, no! That's different! That's to save a life!"

Well, what about snooping on your spouse when you think they are a cheater?

Random Person: "That's not fair! It's still wrong to snoop on your spouse!"

Snort! OK, good luck with that attitude!

Random Person: "My spouse just blindsided me! He/she wants a divorce! Apparently they've been having an affair for five years and although I suspected that something was wrong, I never snooped on them!"

Oh. Oh dear. Sorry, but if you'd taken our advice to snoop five years ago, we could have helped you, but there's nothing we can do to help, now. Except to tell you to lawyer up.

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post #83 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 08:17 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

If you have access to your cell phone providers website you can easily review the records from her phone. What I have done to give me a phone number to chase is just download all of the phone records. you can usually sort them by number and download them into excel, google sheets, or open office. Then Visibly scroll through the numbers until you find the biggest blocks of numbers. Then Google the phone numbers. Even if it is a cell number there are some sites out there that can give you a primary name on an account. Then use the name on her facebook page. This all should take less than 30 minutes of your time. Plus if you find someone that you suspect you can then establish a pattern. Patterns of numbers grouped around another man is bad. If the most contact number is not you or family members or close female friends you have a big problem.
Her behavior is projection and guilt. Ignore them because if she really wanted to deal with this she would explain herself and apologize. Right now you want to stop confronting and start gathering information. Figure out how deep the rabbit hole goes. If you are tech savy enough you can root or jailbreak her phone if YOU bought it and install tools that can give you a lot of options. IE realtime location and the ability to turn on the phones mic to record and even the camera. Barring that a Voice Activated recorder a good one battery can last a year or more. Put it in her car. Also if you are a part of a conversation you can record that conversation so record what she says to you. Trust me our memories suck and nothing is more annoying when seeking truth from some one is not having the ability to call them out on a lie. polygraphs can be junk depending on what questions are asked and if the person asking the questions interprets the responses correctly. The tv show Lie to Me demonstrates this fact well and pen and teller have debunked the polygraph as being the and all be all go to for truth. The poly graph just shows that someone reacts to something. You need to know more before you decide anything that mean preparing yourself to take a knife to the back from someone you have trusted for a long time. I am going through a divorce now because I uncovered and emotional affair but missed the fact that my wife was spending me almost out of my and my kids home had I been aware I could have done more earlier and then maybe I wouldn't be on the track that I am or wasted more of my life in a bogus marriage.

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post #84 of 85 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 12:15 AM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

mcgyver how did your problem end up i hope it was sorted out and lived happily ever after
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post #85 of 85 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 12:30 PM
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Re: Red flags in Marriage - time to end?

Originally Posted by Graywolf2 View Post
Women in general value the relationship more than sex. That’s why when caught in an affair they tell their husband that it was only sex. They think that’s comforting because that is want they would want to hear if the situation was reversed. i.e. the relationship was always secure. In their mind the sex means little or nothing when compared to the relationship. The primary reason they don’t want their husband having sex with another woman is because that could threaten their relationship.

I know of several cases where the WW loved their husband very much and planned to grow old with them. The OM was just for fun and no harm done if no one found out. In one case the wife bought her husband an extravagant gift out of the blue during her affair because she loved him so much. (I think it was her way of expressing to herself how strong the relationship was and that her affair didn’t matter)

In the great majority of cases the WS vilifies their BS in order to justify their affair and feel less guilty. They blow up small things that the BS did. This newly developed low opinion of their spouse makes them treat them differently and usually is the first sign of an affair.

People that think that sex is meaningless don’t have to go through this process. They don’t feel guilty about what they’re doing and don’t have to degrade their spouse. Their spouse is great so they treat them as they always have.

The other more common explanation for why your wife can act so normal is that she has a great ability to compartmentalize. It might be a little of both. She has no plan to ever leave you so it isn't that bad.


Just catching up on this thread now. This was a great piece by Graywolf. So true in so many cases. Brilliant stuff. He does have me wondering though if the BS of the WW wife who brought her husband the amazing gift ditched her for the cheating. But great explanation Graywolf

Last edited by wmn1; 04-20-2017 at 12:35 PM.
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