Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA?
So it has been a very long time since I have posted and/or even read much on here. But here lately, 14 months after discovery of WH having a PA I am still struggling on whether or not this is going to work.
Anyone out there in a successful reconcilation and if yes, how did you do it??
Re: Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA?
the_guy's WW had 20 ONS over 13 years and RWD's WW had 3 affairs in a 6 year period. These two men were able to successfully reconcile with their wives. You might want to PM them.
Re: Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA?
We did. My H cheated (PA/EA), lied about it for about 18 months until the OW's husband told me. We are recovering, 2 years after Dday. Well two years and some change.
How? I had to forgive him for the person he was and decide if I could love him for the person he now is. Once that hurdle was crossed, it was just up to the two of us. He has done everything and anything I have asked of him ( most of which was told to me by members on this board) and gone above and beyond to prove to me that this is where he wants to be. He sought counseling for his PTSD as well as got help for his issues of thinking I would have a revenge affair. He is now currently on a deployment, and we are halfway through it. We are doing well! It isn't really gone from our lives, but we are recovering!
Re: Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA?
DawnD,
I guess maybe that is why I am still struggling. We will do really well for an extended amount of time, but then out of the blue he gets real moody and agressive, out of character for him which was his behavior before I found out about his PA.
I feel pretty comfortable that he is not having another PA as I don't know when he could. We ride to and from work together daily. We spend most of our time together on the weekends so I guess if he is meeting someone it would have to be during his lunch break...
But my mind automatically goes to is he? Does that make sense.
I mean for the most I have forgiven him. When we argue over normal married life/children things, I never bring up anything from the past as I believe I had to let that go to be able to live with him.
Re: Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA?
DanF,
I have read your post and am wondering how things are now? How did you get rid of the thoughts and going back (in your mind) over the situation and hurt?
Re: Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA?
Hurting -- I can completely understand your thought process. My H will get a little distant every now and again and it can be a trigger for me. I am being disgustingly honest when I tell you, that I had to let it go. He gets this way when he has a hard day at work. He knows my boundaries, he gets this one chance. Outside of that, if he does it again I am gone. the real struggle was making peace with the fact that we may not be married until death do us part. And I might have to be okay with that. Before, it was more of a "we HAVE to be together" . Now, I want us to be together, but if he happens to cheat again, then I know that I will not be able to stay in the relationship. And I am okay with it. I am taking classes to get my degree, I go to the gym, and I do a lot for ME. I still do plenty for us and our family. but I need the reassurance of knowing I can stand on my own two feet if I need to. And I have to tell you, there is nothing more sobering than your spouse telling you " I want you but I don't need you. And if you cheat again, I won't even want you". That one seem to hit home with him really quick.
Re: Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA?
I guess I there are still a lot of triggers and I am really tired at times of fighting the fight.
Recently it hit me hard that I have to accept the fact that apparently I am not the love of his life even though for years he said I was, bc of PA I have to now believe I wasn't.
I also am starting to feel that I have to do everything a certain way so as to keep him here but it doesn't feel as though he feels he has to do anything for me to want to stay? Does that make sense?
For most part, everything is good on the good days but here of late when they are bad they are really bad. He has been on antidepression meds for a while and has recently changed from one to another and he seems to be more on edge since the change. But I am not going to dit back and be attacked bc he is having his issues with no regard for my situation in all of this.
Re: Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA?
Can you simply tell him " I am having a rough day, I need you to......fill in the blank....... please". I would use that with my hubby. I am having a sh** day, I need you to be more attentive today. etc, etc. worked pretty good for whatever the current trigger was.
I admittedly don't know your backstory,but I have been viewing my H's affair as a huge huge mistake. It wasn't that he didn't love me, its that he was so wrapped up in himself that he didn't think about the fact what he was doing would hurt me. Same with his PTSD, he wasn't paying enough attention to know he was ripping us apart. I am still the love of his life, and he is even luckier that I have stayed to continue being that.
I can relate to your thought that you are working and he isn't. I felt that way too. So I brought it up in casual conversation. It wasn't casual for long though LOL. I told my H about two weeks after Dday, I see myself doing all this work on myself, and you just sitting there waiting, so it looks like you don't want to be here. He explained himself ( which I assume may be a little different for each person) and when I told him I was considering that as a reason not to stay, he changed his tune. Sure, we can all use work, but I am under the impression the cheater needs to bear most of the weight in the beginning. Did he do much right after Dday or no? I know my H was having some huge self esteem problems resulting from him having to realize that he was in fact a lieing cheater to me.
Re: Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA?
Right now, with the way things are going, if I tell him anything about what I need, he goes directly into a defensive mode. Any conversation that gets directed toward what has happened always turns in to a big argument.
He does not want to talk about it any more. He feels that he has put it in the past and only wants to talk about the present and future. However, he always goes back to some really hurtful and hard times from the past.
He definitely has selective forgetfulness when it comes to what he has done in the past but not me. This kind of behavior was what orginially led us to grow apart.
I am just so confused that I don't really know what to do. I am not ready to leave the marriage but I know I can't keep doing this over and over again. It is not healthy for me!
Re: Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA?
Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtingInNC
Right now, with the way things are going, if I tell him anything about what I need, he goes directly into a defensive mode. Any conversation that gets directed toward what has happened always turns in to a big argument.
He does not want to talk about it any more. He feels that he has put it in the past and only wants to talk about the present and future. However, he always goes back to some really hurtful and hard times from the past.
He definitely has selective forgetfulness when it comes to what he has done in the past but not me. This kind of behavior was what orginially led us to grow apart.
I am just so confused that I don't really know what to do. I am not ready to leave the marriage but I know I can't keep doing this over and over again. It is not healthy for me!
Re: Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA?
Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtingInNC
DanF,
I have read your post and am wondering how things are now? How did you get rid of the thoughts and going back (in your mind) over the situation and hurt?
Things are wonderful between the wife and I.
Over time, the thoughts, triggers and anger subside. I still think of how crappy the whole situation was once in a while and it strengthens my resolve to never let us get back in that situation again.
Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA? 
