Abridged history:
Several years ago, father asked me to beg mother for another chance to not divorce. I stupidly did. He was a WS.
Mom get very upset. Dad and I started getting into physical fights.
Fast forward a lot, and dad asks me to be the best man in his wedding. Mother didn't seem to care too much about it either way, TAM never came to a unanimous opinion, and I did.
So that got my slowly disowned by most of mom's side of the family, and I fell into alcoholism. I spent Christmas passed out in a church parking lot.
Then fast forwarding a lot, dad and I get on quasi-speaking terms, and he hints that mom had an EA years and years ago. Well, two paternity test later prove I am not his child. His last words were "I forget you" I haven't seen him or spoken to him in...2 or 3 years now.
Fast forward a bit more. Got cheated on by the girlfriend during this ordeal.
Met my real father. Loathed him, and got him fired from his job, then laughed at him when he called me for help.
And the last link to my family, the last person to actually care for me, my sister (brother is long gone) was eventually cut out.
I'm here because I've become that which I most feared, a monster. I can't feel. I can't care. Nothing moves me.
The first sign was several months ago. My half sister tracked me down, and wanted to yell and scream at me. I had cut her out of my life. She was crying and in the end, all she wanted was to keep our relationship.
All I could tell her was I had nothing for her. And I felt nothing. No pain, regret, remorse, or anything even though I was the source of it all.
Last night was the biggest sign to me. I had the girlfriend over, now xgf, we ate, talked, spent an hour in bed. She was caring, kind, literally the perfect girlfriend.
And after spending an hour in bed, I told her I didn't feel anything for her. I just didn't care about her. In hind-sight, I should've done it somewhere in public, or anywhere that wasn't my bed. Especially after it all...
She cried, and wondered what she had done, why, and I had nothing to tell her. I couldn't even hug her to comfort her. I didn't feel anything for all the pain I caused her.
I made some other poor choices later in the night, but they don't matter.
Just like all the other examples of everything I've done.
I can't feel. I can't console. I can't care. I can't relate. I can't sympathize.
I've become a monster. And I hate it.
How do I change it? How do I stop what I've become?
Several years ago, father asked me to beg mother for another chance to not divorce. I stupidly did. He was a WS.
Mom get very upset. Dad and I started getting into physical fights.
Fast forward a lot, and dad asks me to be the best man in his wedding. Mother didn't seem to care too much about it either way, TAM never came to a unanimous opinion, and I did.
So that got my slowly disowned by most of mom's side of the family, and I fell into alcoholism. I spent Christmas passed out in a church parking lot.
Then fast forwarding a lot, dad and I get on quasi-speaking terms, and he hints that mom had an EA years and years ago. Well, two paternity test later prove I am not his child. His last words were "I forget you" I haven't seen him or spoken to him in...2 or 3 years now.
Fast forward a bit more. Got cheated on by the girlfriend during this ordeal.
Met my real father. Loathed him, and got him fired from his job, then laughed at him when he called me for help.
And the last link to my family, the last person to actually care for me, my sister (brother is long gone) was eventually cut out.
I'm here because I've become that which I most feared, a monster. I can't feel. I can't care. Nothing moves me.
The first sign was several months ago. My half sister tracked me down, and wanted to yell and scream at me. I had cut her out of my life. She was crying and in the end, all she wanted was to keep our relationship.
All I could tell her was I had nothing for her. And I felt nothing. No pain, regret, remorse, or anything even though I was the source of it all.
Last night was the biggest sign to me. I had the girlfriend over, now xgf, we ate, talked, spent an hour in bed. She was caring, kind, literally the perfect girlfriend.
And after spending an hour in bed, I told her I didn't feel anything for her. I just didn't care about her. In hind-sight, I should've done it somewhere in public, or anywhere that wasn't my bed. Especially after it all...
She cried, and wondered what she had done, why, and I had nothing to tell her. I couldn't even hug her to comfort her. I didn't feel anything for all the pain I caused her.
I made some other poor choices later in the night, but they don't matter.
Just like all the other examples of everything I've done.
I can't feel. I can't console. I can't care. I can't relate. I can't sympathize.
I've become a monster. And I hate it.
How do I change it? How do I stop what I've become?