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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:24 PM Thread Starter
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My story

Hi all... I am new to the forum and new to infidelity. I don't specifically have questions at this point and haven't delved enough into all the threads here yet, but just wanted to put my story out there and see what people's thoughts are.

Here goes (I apologize in advance for the length):

A little background: My husband and I have been married for 24 years this past July. We dated for four years before marrying. We had known each other for about 7 years or so before we dated. So basically, I have loved him since I was 9. I lost my virginity to him, and have only had him for the past 28 years. We have had a great marriage, two kids (9 & 16), and we are BFFs. We have always been able to talk about anything, we know each other innately, have had an excellent sex life and up until almost a year ago, have never kept secrets.

Now, circumstances created what could be called a perfect storm and my husband had an affair. He began to go thru what I called a mid-life crisis... hating his job, regretting things not achieved, fearing his mortality, etc. His father fell very ill late last year, nearly died, then was in rehab. In the rehab facility my H met a woman whose sister was there. They struck up a friendship and he came home and told me about it. I knew the very moment he told me about her that there was a spark there, though he downplayed her repeatedly to me, and apparently continually reminded her he was married and very happily, at that. They became FB friends and then her mother died around T-day, and her sister around Xmas. She turned to him for support, and it really took off from there. He even went to her sister's funeral. After the funeral he stopped talking about her at all. Never mentioned her again. During this same period of time late in 2015, he was having sexual problems (problems finishing) and was obsessed with trying to finish and made himself raw. He couldn't stand to be touched at all, so we stopped having sex. He offered to "service" me but I felt guilty when he would do for me but me not be able to do for him... so sex stopped completely. I was hoping it would resume in a month or so, but it did not. Instead he withdrew from me completely; stopped kissing me, stopped touching me, stopped being around me at all, and started spending all his free time away from the house, or when he was here, he would spend all his time drinking in the shop.

It went on for months like this. When confronted, he could only say he didn't know how he felt, that he wanted to be alone, and that he was trying to work his thoughts out. Naturally I immediately began to suspect there was someone else and began journaling my suspicions. It was sheer hell. When I could get him to talk at all, he could never really tell me what was going on, and I could never get him to confirm or deny there was someone else. By the time July rolled around I told him that if he was unhappy living here, perhaps he should live somewhere else (that might sound like an ultimatum, but it wasn't; it was me trying to be helpful). He decided to find a room to rent for most of the week and did so. Mid-September we took a family vacation to the beach where I ultimately had a breakdown. I confronted him for the umpteenth time, and still he would not come clean. After we returned home, I confronted him again and he began to break down... he finally admitted there was someone else, that it was an EA. We talked at length about our own personal grievances, and made a tiny bit of progress. It was the next day that we continued to talk, and eventually he came completely clean, that yes, the affair was sexual as well. I was devastated but I had known all along, and knew it was with this woman, and that the room he was "renting" was in her house.

Here's where it gets screwy. He fully expected me to shout him out of the house and kick him out of my life. I didn't. Reason number one: I love him with everything I am. No matter how much he has hurt me, I cannot turn off that switch. It's not possible. I will love him until my dying day. Period. Reason two: Kids are still young, they need him here, with me. Reason three: The thought of him having sex with someone else turns me on like you wouldn't believe. I know that's not unusual, though I also know it's not necessarily the norm. We have always been very open sexually although we have never actually acted on our desires to include others in the bedroom. So this is not exactly a new phenomenon, you know?

So... the revelation has resulted in the hysterical bonding, though it's not tapering off yet (we're going on a month now since the confession). The thing is, the affair is not over. He still lives with her most of the week and comes home to us two days a week. We have talked a LOT since the confession and he has told me nearly everything I want to know, including what he does to her the night or nights before. His dilemma is that he is in love with her, but not in love with me. He loves me deeply, will always love me, has made sure she understands that he will forever love me, but she does not know that he has resumed having sex with me. He is once again, caught in the middle, and I have become the OW for all intents and purposes. He does not know what to do because he cares for us both and making a decision to go to either of us means someone will get hurt. I completely understand, and I love him entirely too much to give him an ultimatum... this is his life, too, after all, and he gets to pick and choose who he wants to be with - that is NOT my decision. I would be willing to make this a threesome, but he says she is NOT that kind of person, she is much too straight-laced. He is well aware that she will have to find out about us having sex at some point, but doesn't know how just yet. He is still trying to process the fact I didn't kick him out and that knowing about her is erotic (that second part she doesn't know, either).

So the situation continues... sometimes I feel like I am turning the crank slowly on a jack-in-the-box, waiting for it to jump out at me. I have been through all sorts of stages: anger, sadness, bitterness, clarity, etc. and I know I will continue to cycle through those for a long time to come. Journaling helps, talking with my friend (when she has time) helps, and I have considered counseling but haven't been able to make that leap just yet. The both of us have agreed that we do not know what is going to happen... and we have discussed all the options available. Right now we are in a holding pattern.


Last edited by Sinner; 11-28-2016 at 12:11 PM.
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post #2 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:37 PM
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Re: My story

You need to figure out what you want first and then you can initiate your action plan. I think you are in the "fight for him" stage, putting down your values.
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post #3 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:39 PM
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Re: My story

You sure about that "fight for him" stage @Relationship Teacher? Lol. OP seems far too removed from the normal stuff we see around here to give such a tame diagnosis. Lol.

Godspeed, OP!
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post #4 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: My story

@Sinner she is so straight laced that she allows herself to have sex with married men?

That doesn't gel for me, to be honest.

Counselling would be of minimal help because your husband is still cheating.

Keep with us on TAM, there will be plenty of advice of what you can do based on the collected experiences of other people who have been in your situation.

What has he told your children?

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #5 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:51 PM
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Re: My story

Putting aside the fact that you were turned on by him having sex with another woman, where is your self respect? After all these years with him raising a family, how can you just accept that you are now just another choice he can make in his life? I don't get it.

If you agree to an open marriage, where you and he can have sex with whomever you want, but are partners for life with each other, that's your personal decision. However, he not knowing who to choose between, you or her, is just not acceptable. His ass should be thrown out the door and you should be taking him to the cleaners in court. You are allowing yourself to be disrespected in the worst way. If you don't have respect for yourself, why should he?


"If more people were judgmental, then maybe there would be less infidelity"

Last edited by The Middleman; 10-23-2016 at 08:43 PM.
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post #6 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 04:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My story

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@Sinner she is so straight laced that she allows herself to have sex with married men?

That doesn't gel for me, to be honest.

Counselling would be of minimal help because your husband is still cheating.

Keep with us on TAM, there will be plenty of advice of what you can do based on the collected experiences of other people who have been in your situation.

What has he told your children?
Well, to be more succinct, she is not as open sexually as I am. Sex toys are a no, other people are a no, even just taking video is a no. She has had several very bad husbands and is rather fragile and broken so she really believes she's hit the lottery with my H.

As for the kids, they do not know about her. I have no idea if my 16-yr-old suspects. H has a weird work schedule, he works Th-Su so his off days are M-W. He works far from home and has often stayed the night(s) either at work or a friend's to save money (and no, he has never cheated before this) so him being away from home days at a time is not unusual to the kids.

Last edited by Sinner; 11-28-2016 at 12:11 PM.
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post #7 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 04:14 PM
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Re: My story

Have you thought about a polyamory? It seems you are already most of the way there except that the OW doesn't know.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #8 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My story

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Putting aside the fact that you were turned on by him having sex with another woman, where is your self respect? After all these years with him raising a family, how can you just accept that you are now just another choice he can make in his life? I don't get it.

If you agree to an open marriage, where you and he can have sex with whomever you want, but are partners for life with each other, that's your personal decision. However, him he not knowing who to choose between you and her is just not acceptable. His ass should be thrown out the door and you should be taking him to the cleaners in court. You are allowing yourself to be disrespected in the worst way. If you don't have respect for yourself, why should he?
Believe it or not, my self-respect is more or less intact. I am not under any illusions that people stay exactly the same throughout their entire lives. People change, evolve, whatever you want to call it. If he has outgrown me, so be it. What good would forcing him to stay with me do if he does not want to be here truly? It would be pointless. However, if he DOES want to stay with me, since it is ultimately what I want, why would I send him packing?

I feel that I was being disrespected when he was deceitful and evasive and hiding things from me. THAT I am dealing with. But he is now being open and honest with me. We are working through whatever issues we have between he and I. And other than his time being divided between the two of us, I am okay right now with him still seeing her. I am willing to wait this out if this turns out to be nothing more than an "oooh, shiny!" thing for him. He has been going through a difficult time in his life, I have not been as supportive as I should have, and to top everything off, he had a medical scare a little over a week ago. He is NOT a horrible person, he is HUMAN. Just because he screwed up is no reason to chuck a perfectly good relationship and FAMILY. Of course, that is just MO.

Last edited by Sinner; 11-28-2016 at 12:18 PM.
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post #9 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 04:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My story

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Have you thought about a polyamory? It seems you are already most of the way there except that the OW doesn't know.
Yes, that is one of our options. We are quite new to the concept, although we have talked the dirty bedroom talk for years. My friend that has been helping me through this is poly with her H, and has given me the rundown and articles to read. Of course she states emphatically that infidelity is a BAD place to start poly. And yes, it doesn't help that the OW doesn't seem to be open to that kind of thing. This is one of the many issues we have to start sorting through. It's incredibly complicated, or as I just like to say "it's all fvcked up"
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post #10 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 04:35 PM
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Well, to be more succinct, she is not as open sexually as I am. Sex toys are a no, other people are a no, even just taking video is a no. She has had several very bad husbands and is rather fragile and broken so she really believes she's hit the lottery with my H.

As for the kids, they do not know about her. I have no idea if my 16-yr-old suspects. H has a weird work schedule, he works Th-Su so his off days are M-W. He works far from home and has often stayed the night(s) either at work or a friend's to save money (and no, he has never cheated before this) so him being away from home days at a time is not unusual to the kids.
She has had several very bad husbands?

That doesn't give her an excuse to take your husband!


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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #11 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 04:46 PM
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Re: My story

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Yes, that is one of our options. We are quite new to the concept, although we have talked the dirty bedroom talk for years. My friend that has been helping me through this is poly with her H, and has given me the rundown and articles to read. Of course she states emphatically that infidelity is a BAD place to start poly. And yes, it doesn't help that the OW doesn't seem to be open to that kind of thing. This is one of the many issues we have to start sorting through. It's incredibly complicated, or as I just like to say "it's all fvcked up"
Invite her over for dinner, explain your H is still sexual with you and that you don't see any reason for the arrangement to change, and woo her. Either she'll decide to give poly a try or she'll dump your H. Win either way.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #12 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 04:54 PM
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You sure about that "fight for him" stage @Relationship Teacher? Lol. OP seems far too removed from the normal stuff we see around here to give such a tame diagnosis. Lol.
Normal for who?

I've ran into this a number of times. It's where I tell them to not make decisions, until their lymbic activity moderates.

If you boil down Op's mindset, you find it similar to young love. The fantasy typically turns into a nightmare when thr hormones subside.
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post #13 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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She has had several very bad husbands?

That doesn't give her an excuse to take your husband!
Of course not... I'm only saying that is possibly a reason she is not more adventurous sexually. She was abused by her last, I believe. She has not gone into specifics.

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Invite her over for dinner, explain your H is still sexual with you and that you don't see any reason for the arrangement to change, and woo her. Either she'll decide to give poly a try or she'll dump your H. Win either way.
LOL As tempting as that might be, I am not about to relieve my H of his own duty to own up to his own behaviors. Even if he is justified in having sex with his own freakin' wife.

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post #14 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 05:30 PM
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He has been going through a difficult time in his life, I have not been as supportive as I should have, and to top everything off, he had a medical scare a little over a week ago. He is NOT a horrible person, he is HUMAN. Just because he screwed up is no reason to chuck a perfectly good relationship and FAMILY. Of course, that is just MO.
Sorry, I still don't get it. No one that I know personally would put up with this, unless they have no respect for themselves. Sorry, that's my opinion. You are allowing yourself to be abused with an ear to ear smile on your face.


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post #15 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 05:41 PM
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Of course not... I'm only saying that is possibly a reason she is not more adventurous sexually. She was abused by her last, I believe. She has not gone into specifics.



LOL As tempting as that might be, I am not about to relieve my H of his own duty to own up to his own behaviors. Even if he is justified in having sex with his own freakin' wife.
Not using toys, allowing other people, and not allowing pics or video doesn't necessarily make her sexually less adventurous. I am a kinkster and very adventurous. However, I don't do toys (other than BDSM tools). I figure if I need a toy to get there, what the hell is the guy for? I can get off with a toy by myself. I don't care if a casual sex partner has other casual sex partners, but I would be damned before I share what is mine. And I wouldn't allow pics or video because, frankly, that sh!t can come back to bite. She's clearly got something going on because your H claims to be in love with her and they seem to have an active sex life on the nights he is at her house. Also, remember, whatever you know of her is coming from the mouth of a man who lied to you about their relationship for some time and has reasons to lie (overtly or by omission) now. He's not exactly a reliable source.

You have already relieved your H of his duty to you and the family. He is with his mistress more than he is home. What is that other than being relieved of his duties??

I'd bet my last $5 that she thinks the marriage is over and that he is her man, especially since he lives with her. As far as she knows, he left you for her. From her POV, he's not having sex with his own freakin wife because he is separated and on the way to a divorce. From her POV, every time he is with you, he is cheating on his primary relationship which is with her. This is part of why I encouraged you to talk to her. If she is unwilling to openly share, at least she would know the reality of her situation and be able to make an informed decision.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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