Hi all... I am new to the forum and new to infidelity. I don't specifically have questions at this point and haven't delved enough into all the threads here yet, but just wanted to put my story out there and see what people's thoughts are.
Here goes (I apologize in advance for the length):
A little background: My husband and I have been married for 24 years this past July. We dated for four years before marrying. We had known each other for about 7 years or so before we dated. So basically, I have loved him since I was 9. I lost my virginity to him, and have only had him for the past 28 years. We have had a great marriage, two kids (9 & 16), and we are BFFs. We have always been able to talk about anything, we know each other innately, have had an excellent sex life and up until almost a year ago, have never kept secrets.
Now, circumstances created what could be called a perfect storm and my husband had an affair. He began to go thru what I called a mid-life crisis... hating his job, regretting things not achieved, fearing his mortality, etc. His father fell very ill late last year, nearly died, then was in rehab. In the rehab facility my H met a woman whose sister was there. They struck up a friendship and he came home and told me about it. I knew the very moment he told me about her that there was a spark there, though he downplayed her repeatedly to me, and apparently continually reminded her he was married and very happily, at that. They became FB friends and then her mother died around T-day, and her sister around Xmas. She turned to him for support, and it really took off from there. He even went to her sister's funeral. After the funeral he stopped talking about her at all. Never mentioned her again. During this same period of time late in 2015, he was having sexual problems (problems finishing) and was obsessed with trying to finish and made himself raw. He couldn't stand to be touched at all, so we stopped having sex. He offered to "service" me but I felt guilty when he would do for me but me not be able to do for him... so sex stopped completely. I was hoping it would resume in a month or so, but it did not. Instead he withdrew from me completely; stopped kissing me, stopped touching me, stopped being around me at all, and started spending all his free time away from the house, or when he was here, he would spend all his time drinking in the shop.
It went on for months like this. When confronted, he could only say he didn't know how he felt, that he wanted to be alone, and that he was trying to work his thoughts out. Naturally I immediately began to suspect there was someone else and began journaling my suspicions. It was sheer hell. When I could get him to talk at all, he could never really tell me what was going on, and I could never get him to confirm or deny there was someone else. By the time July rolled around I told him that if he was unhappy living here, perhaps he should live somewhere else (that might sound like an ultimatum, but it wasn't; it was me trying to be helpful). He decided to find a room to rent for most of the week and did so. Mid-September we took a family vacation to the beach where I ultimately had a breakdown. I confronted him for the umpteenth time, and still he would not come clean. After we returned home, I confronted him again and he began to break down... he finally admitted there was someone else, that it was an EA. We talked at length about our own personal grievances, and made a tiny bit of progress. It was the next day that we continued to talk, and eventually he came completely clean, that yes, the affair was sexual as well. I was devastated but I had known all along, and knew it was with this woman, and that the room he was "renting" was in her house.
Here's where it gets screwy. He fully expected me to shout him out of the house and kick him out of my life. I didn't. Reason number one: I love him with everything I am. No matter how much he has hurt me, I cannot turn off that switch. It's not possible. I will love him until my dying day. Period. Reason two: Kids are still young, they need him here, with me. Reason three: The thought of him having sex with someone else turns me on like you wouldn't believe. I know that's not unusual, though I also know it's not necessarily the norm. We have always been very open sexually although we have never actually acted on our desires to include others in the bedroom. So this is not exactly a new phenomenon, you know?
So... the revelation has resulted in the hysterical bonding, though it's not tapering off yet (we're going on a month now since the confession). The thing is, the affair is not over. He still lives with her most of the week and comes home to us two days a week. We have talked a LOT since the confession and he has told me nearly everything I want to know, including what he does to her the night or nights before. His dilemma is that he is in love with her, but not in love with me. He loves me deeply, will always love me, has made sure she understands that he will forever love me, but she does not know that he has resumed having sex with me. He is once again, caught in the middle, and I have become the OW for all intents and purposes. He does not know what to do because he cares for us both and making a decision to go to either of us means someone will get hurt. I completely understand, and I love him entirely too much to give him an ultimatum... this is his life, too, after all, and he gets to pick and choose who he wants to be with - that is NOT my decision. I would be willing to make this a threesome, but he says she is NOT that kind of person, she is much too straight-laced. He is well aware that she will have to find out about us having sex at some point, but doesn't know how just yet. He is still trying to process the fact I didn't kick him out and that knowing about her is erotic (that second part she doesn't know, either).
So the situation continues... sometimes I feel like I am turning the crank slowly on a jack-in-the-box, waiting for it to jump out at me. I have been through all sorts of stages: anger, sadness, bitterness, clarity, etc. and I know I will continue to cycle through those for a long time to come. Journaling helps, talking with my friend (when she has time) helps, and I have considered counseling but haven't been able to make that leap just yet. The both of us have agreed that we do not know what is going to happen... and we have discussed all the options available. Right now we are in a holding pattern.
Last edited by Sinner; 11-28-2016 at 12:11 PM.