My story - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 02:24 PM Thread Starter
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My story

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post #2 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 02:37 PM
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Re: My story

You need to figure out what you want first and then you can initiate your action plan. I think you are in the "fight for him" stage, putting down your values.
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post #3 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 02:39 PM
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Re: My story

You sure about that "fight for him" stage @Relationship Teacher? Lol. OP seems far too removed from the normal stuff we see around here to give such a tame diagnosis. Lol.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #4 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 02:43 PM
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Re: My story

@Sinner she is so straight laced that she allows herself to have sex with married men?

That doesn't gel for me, to be honest.

Counselling would be of minimal help because your husband is still cheating.

Keep with us on TAM, there will be plenty of advice of what you can do based on the collected experiences of other people who have been in your situation.

What has he told your children?

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #5 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 02:51 PM
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Re: My story

Putting aside the fact that you were turned on by him having sex with another woman, where is your self respect? After all these years with him raising a family, how can you just accept that you are now just another choice he can make in his life? I don't get it.

If you agree to an open marriage, where you and he can have sex with whomever you want, but are partners for life with each other, that's your personal decision. However, he not knowing who to choose between, you or her, is just not acceptable. His ass should be thrown out the door and you should be taking him to the cleaners in court. You are allowing yourself to be disrespected in the worst way. If you don't have respect for yourself, why should he?


"If more people were judgmental, then maybe there would be less infidelity"

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post #6 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:11 PM Thread Starter
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post #7 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:14 PM
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Re: My story

Have you thought about a polyamory? It seems you are already most of the way there except that the OW doesn't know.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #8 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:24 PM Thread Starter
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post #9 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My story

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Have you thought about a polyamory? It seems you are already most of the way there except that the OW doesn't know.
Yes, that is one of our options. We are quite new to the concept, although we have talked the dirty bedroom talk for years. My friend that has been helping me through this is poly with her H, and has given me the rundown and articles to read. Of course she states emphatically that infidelity is a BAD place to start poly. And yes, it doesn't help that the OW doesn't seem to be open to that kind of thing. This is one of the many issues we have to start sorting through. It's incredibly complicated, or as I just like to say "it's all fvcked up"
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post #10 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:35 PM
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Re: My story

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Well, to be more succinct, she is not as open sexually as I am. Sex toys are a no, other people are a no, even just taking video is a no. She has had several very bad husbands and is rather fragile and broken so she really believes she's hit the lottery with my H.

As for the kids, they do not know about her. I have no idea if my 16-yr-old suspects. H has a weird work schedule, he works Th-Su so his off days are M-W. He works far from home and has often stayed the night(s) either at work or a friend's to save money (and no, he has never cheated before this) so him being away from home days at a time is not unusual to the kids.
She has had several very bad husbands?

That doesn't give her an excuse to take your husband!


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post #11 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:46 PM
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Re: My story

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Yes, that is one of our options. We are quite new to the concept, although we have talked the dirty bedroom talk for years. My friend that has been helping me through this is poly with her H, and has given me the rundown and articles to read. Of course she states emphatically that infidelity is a BAD place to start poly. And yes, it doesn't help that the OW doesn't seem to be open to that kind of thing. This is one of the many issues we have to start sorting through. It's incredibly complicated, or as I just like to say "it's all fvcked up"
Invite her over for dinner, explain your H is still sexual with you and that you don't see any reason for the arrangement to change, and woo her. Either she'll decide to give poly a try or she'll dump your H. Win either way.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #12 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:54 PM
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Re: My story

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You sure about that "fight for him" stage @Relationship Teacher? Lol. OP seems far too removed from the normal stuff we see around here to give such a tame diagnosis. Lol.
Normal for who?

I've ran into this a number of times. It's where I tell them to not make decisions, until their lymbic activity moderates.

If you boil down Op's mindset, you find it similar to young love. The fantasy typically turns into a nightmare when thr hormones subside.
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post #13 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 04:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My story

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post #14 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 04:30 PM
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Re: My story

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He has been going through a difficult time in his life, I have not been as supportive as I should have, and to top everything off, he had a medical scare a little over a week ago. He is NOT a horrible person, he is HUMAN. Just because he screwed up is no reason to chuck a perfectly good relationship and FAMILY. Of course, that is just MO.
Sorry, I still don't get it. No one that I know personally would put up with this, unless they have no respect for themselves. Sorry, that's my opinion. You are allowing yourself to be abused with an ear to ear smile on your face.


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post #15 of 121 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 04:41 PM
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Re: My story

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Of course not... I'm only saying that is possibly a reason she is not more adventurous sexually. She was abused by her last, I believe. She has not gone into specifics.



LOL As tempting as that might be, I am not about to relieve my H of his own duty to own up to his own behaviors. Even if he is justified in having sex with his own freakin' wife.
Not using toys, allowing other people, and not allowing pics or video doesn't necessarily make her sexually less adventurous. I am a kinkster and very adventurous. However, I don't do toys (other than BDSM tools). I figure if I need a toy to get there, what the hell is the guy for? I can get off with a toy by myself. I don't care if a casual sex partner has other casual sex partners, but I would be damned before I share what is mine. And I wouldn't allow pics or video because, frankly, that sh!t can come back to bite. She's clearly got something going on because your H claims to be in love with her and they seem to have an active sex life on the nights he is at her house. Also, remember, whatever you know of her is coming from the mouth of a man who lied to you about their relationship for some time and has reasons to lie (overtly or by omission) now. He's not exactly a reliable source.

You have already relieved your H of his duty to you and the family. He is with his mistress more than he is home. What is that other than being relieved of his duties??

I'd bet my last $5 that she thinks the marriage is over and that he is her man, especially since he lives with her. As far as she knows, he left you for her. From her POV, he's not having sex with his own freakin wife because he is separated and on the way to a divorce. From her POV, every time he is with you, he is cheating on his primary relationship which is with her. This is part of why I encouraged you to talk to her. If she is unwilling to openly share, at least she would know the reality of her situation and be able to make an informed decision.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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