Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Do you think my wife is cheating?

92K views 204 replies 78 participants last post by  Thound 
#1 ·
So I was on a business trip last week and managed to drop my cell phone and break the screen. On my way back home I stopped by the mall and dropped it off at a mobile repair shop. Didn't have a chance to pick it back up the next day and I wanted to check my email so I grabbed my wife's phone yesterday morning while she was in the basement doing laundry. While I was using it, a message popped up from someone named Jesse. Hey babe is John boy (me) back in town if not you wanna hang out tonight? Didnt recognize the name but there was a huge backlog of texts between her and this Jesse person. On average about 20 texts a day going back about 3 months. Started reading through them and there was no clear indication of anything inappropriate just the amount and the fact that there were a lot of babe, honey, sweetie, darling type words exchanged. And most of the texts were about grabbing coffee in the mornings, where to get together for lunch, whether or not they wanted to hang out after work (always when I was out of town). What really got my interest is that she's always telling this Jesse when I'm going to be out of town and getting answers like cool the control freak is gone let's get together and have some fun.

There are also a few phone calls per week with this person. Not a ton but my wife HATES talking on the phone. I mean seriously hates it. Always has, whether it's a cell phone or a land line. Loves texting, pretty much doesn't even talk to people anymore if they don't have texting ability. I did notice that all the calls were initiated by Jesse not my wife.

When we had a quiet moment to talk (we have 6 year old twins so we don't get much quiet time) I asked her who Jesse was. She said oh just someone I work with. Wanted to know why I asked and I told her about seeing the text. She told me she hung out with several of her coworker's on a regular basis after work when I was out of town. Funny she's never mentioned this to me before. Granted she's only had this job since May though. She gets out of work at 6 and apparently they go grab a drink and some appetizers at a local hotel bar before heading home. She says her parents don't mind watching the twins for an extra hour or so.

I told her I didn't feel comfortable with her hanging out at the bar after work even if it was just with coworker's and she got really upset. Way more than I think it was worth. Accused me of holding her back, not wanting her to get ahead in her job, told me if she didn't go to these bar nights they'd think she wasn't being a team player. Blew the whole thing way out of proportion in my opinion.

Now she's not speaking to me. No sex last night in fact when I came to bed she got up and went in the guest room bed. Left for work (at least that's what I assume she did) as soon as she put the kids on the bus even though she doesn't have to be to work for another 2 hours.

Snooped a little in her FB account couldn't find anyone named Jesse in her friends list although there were 2 Jessie's. Nothing stands out to me although I was a little pissed off to discover she's following a bunch of accounts that do nothing but post pics of nearly naked cowboys and soldiers and stuff like that. Inappropriate and immature. And makes me wonder about her attraction to me since I don't look anything like any of these guys. Actually I'm pretty much a short scrawny geek.

I don't know how to react to any of this. We've been married 8 years and I've never had any reason to believe she would cheat or that she was unhappy. Even if she's not cheating the control freak comments in the texts suggest that she's not happy with me and she's told someone else something to make them think I'm a less than perfect husband.

Where do I go with this? Let it go? Try to talk to her about it (which would mean admitting I read through her messages)? Do some more snooping first and see if I find anything else? Help please!
Posted via Mobile Device
Posted via Mobile Device
 
See less See more
#2 ·
Babe, honey, sweetie, darling.... Meeting only when you are out of town. Most people would consider doing anything behind your spouses back to be cheating. Doesn't matter if they are sleeping together or not. At the very least it is an emotional affair and the start of a physical one.

You are welcome to define "cheating" as you wish.

Oh and cutting you off when you voice your concern!?!?!?!? That's a HUGE problem! Major display of selfishness and a lack of respect for your marriage. Cheaters do these things. It is in the script.

I think your story is about to get a lot worse. I would quietly continue investigating and start getting yourself ready for a potential divorce. Do not play the "pick me" game.
 
#3 ·
Sure sounds like it.

Since you seem to have access to her phone, I'd recommend running data recovery against it in order to retrieve any deleted texts, pics, call records, etc.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#5 · (Edited)
Do you think my wife is cheating?
If you have to come to an anonymous internet forum to ask then, more likely than not, yes she is.

How many women do YOU call babe, honey, sweetie or darling besides your wife?

How many women do YOU meet up with on the reg and never tell her about at all?

How many women do YOU text 20 times a day on average over long stretches of time?

There is only one question you need to ask yourself before you start investigating further.

If you find out she's fvcking Jesse (FYI: she is), are you going to divorce her or try to save the marriage?
 
#6 ·
I think your suspicions are justified. There are hundreds of stories on this forum that start out just like yours and unfortunately end up with the discovery of an affair. You need to back off on the confrontations with her and go into full detective mode.

If she drives to work, get a voice-activated recorder (VAR) and put it in her car to find out the nature of their conversations.

It is disturbing that she's made you known as a "control freak" to her colleagues.

If she's not actively in an affair, Jesse is definitely grooming her for it. She knows this and likes his attention. Also disturbing.
 
#7 ·
Step Number One is to not say anything else. She's your wife and does deserve respect

1. Do the text recovery as Gus said, though it sounds like there hasn't been much deleted
2. Find out what you can about this loser

It sounds like if she is complaining to a coworker about you, and he's using terms of endearment then this IS something to worry about. Your concern is warranted.
 
#8 ·
What is a VAR?

Just discovered something else - went on her employers web site and they don't have anyone named Jesse working there. At least not in the posted company directory. There is a Jess but the employee profiles show that Jess is female. I do know they have a lot of volunteers and college work study students at her company though and I would assume they wouldn't be in the company directory. So I guess that doesn't prove she's lying about Jesse being a coworker.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#15 ·
At our company, the directory has the legal name of each employee but that's not necessarily what they go by. Some of them go by their middle names. I actually normally go by a shortened version of my legal name so if you search by what people call me, you're not going to find it. So, keep that in mind. He could very well work with her.
 
#10 ·
Not sure if the terms of endearment would be red flags for cheating as I have a gay friend who uses most of the ones you mentioned with me. Her response to your questions is what seems strange. It could be that she's entering into an affair or it could be that there's something about her friends or activities you'll want her to stop. Does she have friends outside of work? Does she go out with friends without you? Basically, does she have a social life outside of you.?

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk
 
#11 ·
She hasn't worked outside the home in many years prior to this job. So this is basically her first foray into what I would call the adult world. We started dating in high school and had a birth control failure when she was 19. Got married just after her 20th birthday. The twins were premature and had some pretty significant health issues so we agreed she would stay home with them until they started school. During this time she got an online degree and when the twins started school she started looking for a job. Landed this one, as an entry level manager at the local Salvation Army, this past spring. Up until she got this job, she had very little social life in fact she very rarely left the house except to visit her parents or go grocery shopping.

It has crossed my mind that she may be trying to claim some independence apart from me. Working longer hours than she needs, going out after work. Her coworker's probably are the first real friends she's had since high school. It has also crossed my mind that Jesse could just as easily be a woman as a man. Perhaps a girlfriend she feels she can go a little wild with? She DID pretty much lose her only chance to have a normal 20-something life when the twins came along. Or am I just making excuses here?
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#18 ·
It has also crossed my mind that Jesse could just as easily be a woman as a man. Perhaps a girlfriend she feels she can go a little wild with? She DID pretty much lose her only chance to have a normal 20-something life when the twins came along. Or am I just making excuses here?
Posted via Mobile Device
I don't think females call other females "Babe". Honey or sweetie, yes, but not babe.
 
#13 ·
There's nothing that indicates Jesse being male or female. Right?

She ? could be a wing-man.

And they have drinks and appetizers at a hotel bar?
 
#16 ·
VAR=Voice Activated Recorder

Get one, hide it under the seat of her car or somewhere in the house. I think you need to follow your gut here. Signs are pretty strong that she is cheating and gas lighting you. Unfortunately, I think she is also looking for an excuse to leave you. Anything you do will be met with anger. You should keep a VAR on you as well so she can't accuse you of abusing her.
 
#17 ·
Ask for her phone tonight.

See if the texts are deleted.

You're being punished because you're ruining her fun, of course...

I don't know any women who call other women baby. Hun, hon, honey, maybe sweetie.

Lots of red flags. I'd be more than concerned.
 
#19 ·
She says they go out to this hotel bar after work as a group generally of 4 or 5 people a couple of times a week. She went so far as to tell me the names of the other people who usually join them - she also said her immediate supervisor joins them sometimes. If that's true, I can't imagine there would be anything inappropriate going on. She also says she only goes when I'm away because when I'm home she would rather be at home with us than out with them. But if she's been doing this for 3 months why hasn't she told me about it?

So how do I go about determining who Jesse is? I'm guessing if she is hiding something, she won't just leave her phone lying around anymore.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#37 ·
At the very least a budding affair is in the works. Of the many years in the corporate world the use of sweety, hon, babe, etc is never used in my memory. Your W is also hiding this as she knows it is not appropriate. Furthermore, getting lit at the local bar/hotel with coworkers does not advance a career unless of course their may be extra curricular activity in the hotel portion with a superior.

You have cause for concern.
 
#21 ·
Do you know any of these people? The supervisor?

Anyone you could ask to verify?

As @Bananapeel said, ask a friend to check it out.
 
  • Like
Reactions: syhoybenden
#22 ·
Ok now that I know what a VAR is I would say in our case there's probably no point. As I said earlier, my wife HATES talking on the phone. We don't even have a land line at home anymore. She definitely won't use her cell in the car - her younger brother (who she absolutely adored) was killed in a car accident 2 years ago by some ******* who was texting and driving. She now insists that our cell phones get put out of reach while we are driving and I can't see her breaking that rule. Not for anything. She doesn't even have a hands free device. Won't eat in the car or anything that could be a distraction.

Actually it surprised me to find out that she is going to a bar before driving home. I have to assume she can't be having more than one drink because she's never had much alcohol tolerance. Unless she's not drinking just hanging out with people who are. Last I knew she was the only one at her workplace with more than a 10 mile commute.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#31 ·
Are you not surprised by her current behavior as it relates to Jesse? Did you think your wife would use "John Boy" or "control freak" to describe you?

Forget about what you think your wife would or would not do. If she is in an affair, she is not longer the loving wife and mother you thought she was, do not expect her to behave like she still is the person you married - she it no longer that person.
 
#27 ·
Hey babe is John boy (me) back in town if not you wanna hang out tonight?
This person is using a derogatory nickname for you and your wife is not objecting. This indicates that she is comfortable referring to you in this manner and that she is discussing her opinion of you with other people. That shows no respect for you as a person or a husband. The "control freak" comment shows the same opinion of you. It really does not matter if Jesse is male or female, the fact that your wife is comfortable talking to other people in this way is not good.



Given your marital history(married young, kids early on, wife a stay at home Mom until recently, just reentered the workforce, little or now adult contact outside the marriage until now) she fits many of the indicators for an affair ripe wife.

Her reaction to your questions are typical of a cheating wife who lies, makes up reasons for maintaining contact, and tries to shift the blame to her husband.

Get a couple of VARs. Put one in her car immediately. Odds are that she talks to Jesse there while you are at home.

Her behavior certainly meets the standard behavior of a cheating wife, at least an EA(emotional affair). With her attitude toward you, it will soon tun physical (sex) if it has not already reached that point.

Do not talk to her any more about it. Let her think everything is fine and deploy the VARs. One in the car another in the house in a location where she can talk but not be overheard by the kids. Keep an eye on the texting. Does she text this person more than she texts you? That is a clear indication of where you fall in her priorities.
 
#28 ·
Fishermanbear1984 said:
I can't imagine there would be anything inappropriate going on.
How naive... This reminds me of a song.


Jessie is a friend,
Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine
But lately something's changed
It ain't hard to define
Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine

And she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it!
And he's holding her in his arms late, late at night

You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl
I wish that I had Jessie's girl
Where can I find a woman like that?


Your wife is Jesse's girl now my friend and you don't want a woman like this.

After you confirm the affair, make sure you are already prepared to file for divorce.
 
#30 ·
I like the lunch and flowers idea. Not today because I'm already having lunch with a business associate, and she doesn't work tomorrow, but maybe on Thursday or Friday.

I'll see if I can get my hands on her phone again tonight. Although I already read the entire text thread from Jesse. Perhaps I can at least get a phone number and see what I can find out from that.

Our phones are both linked to the same Verizon account. Is she going to be able to tell if I set my phone to get copies of her text messages? I know it's possible because when we first got the phones we had to turn that off. She gets so many texts from her mom and her sister it was driving me crazy.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top