Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long) - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 03:52 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

It is too early to be trusting your WW. See, back when you were courting her and the two of your were falling in love, you gave each other your mutual trust as a gift to one another.

Well, she took your trust and wiped her ass with it. So now, any trust that is given by you to her has to be earned. No more freebies. One day, years from now, she may be worthy once again for free trust, but that is a lonnnnnng way away.

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post #137 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 03:57 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
It was recommended by her best friend (who was cheated on, I believe, or it came very close, now divorced) -- I will ask her what she thinks of it, I'm pretty confident there's no significance that she would choose this one over others, it was a recommendation by a person she trusts (one who both warned her that an attraction to this man was not a dangerous thing but also told her NOT to talk to me about it ... all of which is to say, not the greatest advice giver.)
Was it your WW that told you this about her friend?

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post #138 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 04:04 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Why would she give you a book that promotes leaving a cheater ? The author is not big on R.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #139 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 04:15 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Why would she give you a book that promotes leaving a cheater ? The author is not big on R.
Desperation. Shes got her head up her ass.
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post #140 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 04:17 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

If the two of you -- as in BOTH of you -- are looking to reconcile then pick up and read Linda J. MacDonald's "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". It's under 100 pages, so it's a pretty quick -- yet potent -- read. It's available on Amazon in several formats, including Kindle e-book.

Also, is your wife's stupid friend not aware that she's ALREADY cheated w/ OM?

It's also worth noting that her wanting you to be happy may very well mean that she wants you to be happy in the likely event of your divorce.

Again, the book titles are screaming at me, and what I'm hearing is a very passive desire on her part to end the marriage.

It's just that she doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."

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post #141 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 04:19 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

I think you need to reconsider the book thing. The titles are very telling and she can't have overlooked that. As for the friend, have you and she sat down together with this person to discuss her role in all of this? I certainly would want to know why she thought it was okay for your wife to cheat, especially after her own issues with it. Is she pro marriage or has she now turned against it? Is she pro YOUR marriage? If not, she has to go.

As for the OM, have your wife send him one more message requesting that there be no additional contact. In that letter, he should be notified that any additional contact is unwanted and will be considered harassment. As such, a restraining order will be obtained if he tries to contact her again. There must be no more contact.

Lastly, how is your wife coping with the loss of her dreamy love interest that she was so hot for? Will you be able to live up to her expectations now? She was obviously stricken by him physically and even pursued him. How does she plan to get past that and become interested in you again?

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post #142 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 04:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

I'll keep the book titles in mind, but for now I'm focusing on other things. Maybe it's a sign I'll look back on six months from now and realize I missed a red flag, perhaps I'm in denial, but I don't think that if there's a sign this is the one -- sorry to disagree with all here.

Re: the friend. She didn't encourage cheating, just told my wife to keep the attraction a secret from me and instead start talking to a therapist about it. Good advice mixed with the bad. The book title is apparently a continuation of this theme, a book for the betrayed spouse recommended to a cheater -- it's all the friend knows I guess. Who knows what her advice would have been had my wife confided in the affair (tell your husband but make sure to take pictures? [joke]). She's not a great influence but not a bad person either.

If all that sounds combative let me just reiterate that I appreciate all the support, I realize all of this advice comes from a positive place. I am continuing to take steps to protect myself, she is continuing to show signs of remorse. I will continue to take it all with a grain of salt. I'm having a good day today, even though I know tomorrow is probably going to be a bad one. In the meantime I've got three children watching so I'm just trying to keep an even keel. We're still only a week into this thing, it'll take a lot of time to sort through.

Last edited by JayOwen; 04-13-2017 at 10:59 PM. Reason: edited for personal/identifying details
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post #143 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 04:43 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

You don't come across as combative, per se, but rather a bit too obstinately naive.

Anyway, what are your plans right now w/ respect to filing/not filing for divorce?
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post #144 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 05:33 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

I would put down the books and read this thread instead:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private...band-left.html

This thread will give you a better idea of what real remorse looks like. Everytime I read about your wife I compare her to Tears and she comes up lacking in the remorse department. Which is why I still think you should push forward with divorce. She's basically sitting on the fence hoping a better deal will come along.
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post #145 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 06:44 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
If the two of you -- as in BOTH of you -- are looking to reconcile then pick up and read Linda J. MacDonald's "How Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". It's under 100 pages, so it's a pretty quick -- yet potent -- read. It's available on Amazon in several formats, including Kindle e-book.

Also, is your wife's stupid friend not aware that she's ALREADY cheated w/ OM?

It's also worth noting that her wanting you to be happy may very well mean that she wants you to be happy in the likely event of your divorce.

Again, the book titles are screaming at me, and what I'm hearing is a very passive desire on her part to end the marriage.

It's just that she doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger.

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I agree
that is the way I saw it.

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post #146 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 07:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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You don't come across as combative, per se, but rather a bit too obstinately naive.

Anyway, what are your plans right now w/ respect to filing/not filing for divorce?
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I'm meeting with the lawyer on Wednesday -- I currently plan to use it as an informational session for two reasons:

1) A lawyer friend of mine has (just this evening) made an introduction for to another law firm that his (much larger, NYC-based) firm has a relationship with. I may not want to sign on with a firm that is not the best available.

2) I'm not exactly clear on what the immediate ramifications would be (aside from have the process started) vis a vis my children. If, for example, I need to move out before the "clock" starts on a mandated separation, I need to consider the ramifications for my kids rather than proceeding full steam ahead.

If I had to sum it up, I would say this: I am committed to moving forward. However, I am committed to moving forward as a tool towards figuring out if this can be salvaged. If yes, then I'll stop it. If no, then it's already going.
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post #147 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 07:41 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
She is reading Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave -- recommended by a friend.

At the same time she bought me "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" though I haven't cracked it yet.
Good recommendation.

Quote:
Haven't read anything yet actually, though Surviving an Affair was recommended.
I would avoid any and all of the Harley books. I had that one and His Needs, Her Needs. Waste of money. When I find my copies - somewhere in the attic - I plan to burn them so they don't fall in some unsuspecting newbie's hands and mess their life up.

Quote:
Re: confronting the dude. Having done so once on the night of discovery (waking half the neighborhood in the process I'm sure) to tell him it was over and once a few days later to verify when it started (his answer matched hers) where he tried to apologize with "This isn't my character...". I cut off that conversation and don't really want to start another one. But perhaps I can text him to make it clear there is no slack moving forward.
I think ignoring him is in your best interest. Any conversation that has anything to do with him should be between you and your wife, especially if you hope to reconcile at some point.

Quote:
What I really need is for the idiot to drop is house to a price in line with the $/Sq Ft the rest of the houses in our neighborhood are selling for so he can get his ass out. But his stupidity is persistent in many things I guess...
Make him as not your problem as you can. You can't very well get him out of your life by periodically confronting him. Pretend he doesn't exist, make your wife put in the effort to convince you she's not in contact with him, and maybe he'll oblige you and effectively cease to exist at some point!

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post #148 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 09:09 AM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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@GusPolinski @farsidejunky

She bought them yesterday after returning from the work trip. It was recommended by her best friend (who was cheated on, I believe, or it came very close, now divorced) -- I will ask her what she thinks of it, I'm pretty confident there's no significance that she would choose this one over others, it was a recommendation by a person she trusts (one who both warned her that an attraction to this man was not a dangerous thing but also told her NOT to talk to me about it ... all of which is to say, not the greatest advice giver.) My wife is feeling her way through this -- still coming to terms with the reasons she has done this, but I believe she is taking steps, not throwing up more walls.

As for the book she bought for me, I know her, it was a self-punishing gesture. She is apologetic and has repeatedly assured me that she wants me to be happy. I believe it was her way of saying "maybe there's something in here that tell you if you could be." A weird apology if you will.

All of which is to say, I do not share your alarm in this regard. I may yet be proven wrong, but I think the motivations here are positive.

I know it's hard to convey these details via a forum post, but I do honestly trust her when she says she broke it off with him (starting that night in which she texted him, while I was standing there, that it was over and to not contact her again) and that she recognizes the stupidity and selfishness of her actions (her words).

That's potentially naive, but knowing the alarm bells that were going off in my head previously, there are none ringing now, I see genuine actions here. It does appear that the fog has lifted.

That said, the risk of relapse is a question for another day.
Don't take this the wrong way but reading this makes me think you are
desperate to buy her bullsh*t. It's way to early to be recommitting yourself.
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post #149 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 10:05 AM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Hey man, just take your time with this. This is your life not ours. Just make sure when the time comes when the decision has to be made, that it is one you will not regret.

The biggest problem for me would be that she planned this out for a long time then asked about a open marriage to cover herself. She is the one that pursued with no reguard for you.
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post #150 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 10:46 AM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Jay

I know it's hard to convey these details via a forum post, but I do honestly trust her when she says she broke it off with him (starting that night in which she texted him, while I was standing there, that it was over and to not contact her again) and that she recognizes the stupidity and selfishness of her actions (her words).

From your most recent post, I guess he did not get or accept the message because you stated he has tried to contact her i think twice in the last 24 hours. So I guess its time to start notifying his work or the pastor or whoever you need to so he gets the message. This guy is not going to stop wanting to put his **** in your wife again until he is convinced it aint going to happen and with him next door the more times he tries the better the chance she will relapse because she is going to have plenty of opportunity.

And you are way ahead of yourself spending money on MC until you are CONVINCED this thing is stopped and not because she told you. In this OM mind its not stopped. You think he was calling her to discuss the weather, and since she is aware you can see the phone you better be looking religiously for a burner phone.
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