Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long) - Page 14 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 543Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #196 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 06:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 229
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

I think you are handling this well. I encourage you to not fall for any manipulation or blame-shifting, should it happen.

For the record, nobody thought you were a cuckold. Everyone who responded to you had your best interests at heart. Some people were just trying to light a fire under you--make you angry--to motivate you to assert yourself. Their harshness was only a manifestation of their vicarious desire to see you get tough in a way that they should have with their own spouse.

We're all pulling for you.

Tatsuhiko is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #197 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 07:16 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: central US, not unicorn fantasy land
Posts: 1,246
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

has she stopped all contact with the POSOM?

is she working to pay for some counseling from affair recovery.com?

You can find them online.

She is not the woman you thought you loved and married.


when the kids are older, if you stay, then leave. she will do it again.
harrybrown is offline  
post #198 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 07:40 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,030
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
@Xenote Re: children. Yes, if we were child-less I'm pretty confident the papers would already be in and I'd be elsewhere. Then again, who knows, I always thought I'd be out the door regardless.

@bandit.45 Re: Why? She hasn't figured out anything that makes sense to me, she's starting to accept that perhaps she wanted to be out of the marriage because she disliked the "person I had become" and there was no longer any love in our marriage (largely her fault, but whatevs). When I asked, she said divorce never seemed like an option for her because of the kids. So she felt trapped or something? Maybe combined with mid-life crisis, am I still attractive insecurities, and a slippery slope spurred on by FOO triggers. Just a ****ed-up jumbalaya of personal issues I guess, maybe she'll figure it out eventually...
She did it because she wanted to do it, and then she kept doing it because she wanted to continue doing it.

Additionally, any fear or apprehension that she might have felt at the prospect of losing her family, home, and marriage -- and, in the process, irrevocably destroying her children's family unit -- wasn't enough to dissuade her from doing it.

...and that's it.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
 
post #199 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 08:06 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 768
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

jay,

At this point there is no more need for advice I do not think. as for any of BH, it all boils down to IF you can get over it, and in the long run do not count on just staying together for the kids will be the medicine that fixes it.

While never accepting her behavior, what anyone who stays MUST accept is that just like there is never a 100% guarantee it could never happen in the first place (we all thought differently) no matter what you do or do not do there is no guarantee it cannot happen again and I believe that that is the key issue you and all of us who stayed have to live with. No matter how much you work on the marriage, which is great, no matter how much therapy she or you get, it can happen again.

Some guys can live with that and some guys cannot and you should not set a specific time limit. Nothing wrong with what you are doing but I would not throw out the thought of a surprise polygraph at some point to make sure with your travel and him next door that her addiction does not occur again.

And if he moves not a great distance away I would not take that to mean you are totally in the clear. Her panic and fear now is because you actually have shown some real potential consequences. I hope you protect yourself.
straightshooter is offline  
post #200 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 09:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: In the fort behind the sofa
Posts: 5,105
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

She did it and had no control over her actions...

And she stopped cold turkey?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
Malaise is offline  
post #201 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 02:22 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Tampa area
Posts: 2,384
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Hi Jay,

Good to hear from you, I think you are in a good place right now and your response to some posters was great. I stated in my last post you know what her issues are, you are learning more about them and you have an exit plan in place. Triple A rating. Try reading @Uptown posts. He posts mostly about BPD but you will see any over lapping patterns. This forum has few posters like him with experience with CSA. Try looking on line for specific forums on this topic.

Hope to hear from you inmthe future.

Be well

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
JohnA is offline  
post #202 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 09:14 AM
RWB
Member
 
RWB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,022
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
She was basically a drug addict.
To the uninitiated this statement, this "explanation" would appear way out there, even a might silly.

However, after seeing it first hand from my WW... spot on. Her total disregard for my/her health, unwanted pregnancy, total destruction of multiple families, 25+ years of a marriage/home/children... all to have her attention stroked by another man who she knew was just looking for another woman to bed.

Hell, years later when I finally caught her in another affair (the last), I asked her why? "You got away clean (unknown) with your first affair. You even said that you knew it was wrong wanted to stop but couldn't get out. Why would you risk another, and then another?"

Actual words etched in my brain. "l guess I was addicted to the attention."

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
RWB is offline  
post #203 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 01:51 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: central US, not unicorn fantasy land
Posts: 1,246
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Be sure and do DNA tests on your kids, especially the baby.

the neighbor is too close and too easy for her to reach out whenever she wants.

So sorry. Hope you get your D fast.

She could not even think of her kids.
harrybrown is offline  
post #204 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-25-2016, 01:53 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tatsuhiko View Post
For the record, nobody thought you were a cuckold.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I think OP should look into the Hotwife/Cuckold lifestyle. Might as well.
browser is offline  
post #205 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-25-2016, 09:54 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 229
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

@browser, I can't speak for bandit.45, but not everything is meant to be taken literally.

Tatsuhiko is online now  
post #206 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 08:58 AM
Member
 
BetrayedDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,958
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
He took the love of my life and threw back a lemon grenade in my wife's slit trench.
Wrong.

The "love of his life" slipped cyanide in his rations while he was in the bunker defending her.

He can retaliate against the enemy if he wishes but his enemies are both foreign and domestic.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
BetrayedDad is offline  
post #207 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 01:33 PM
Member
 
Yeswecan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3,268
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Your words: she denied you love and intimacy for roughly 3 years. The occasional romp during this period. You attributed it to the third baby and the pregnancy weight that she had a hard time losing.

But it was more than that. She had lost the desire for you and what you could offer and gave it to a neighbor.

You put her infatuation and her grooming him [each other] into a month time frame. I suspect that it was going on much longer.

And her being in Academia.....this may not be her first rodeo, after your marriage??

This is what hurts the most. She longed for this affair. She plotted and planned it. She had fantasies about this.

How cruel of her to offer up an open marriage. She has no boundaries.

She has three young children and pulls this crap. Where is the maturity, the common sense. This is letting the VJ rule the big head. You did nothing to deserve this.....from what you have chronicled.

She does not deserve a 2d chance. No way Jose. Why? Because of her age, her education, the fact that she has three babies and a good, loyal husband and she was willing to throw it all away for sex?

Educated women she is.........smart, insightful, intuitive, spiritual, kind, emphatic....NOT. She threw you off the cliff...... using immature cliff-notes tactics.

To no avail. You can fly on your own. I suggest you get away from her. I pity those babies. Take good care of them during your 50 percent custody.
Right on the money....

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
Yeswecan is offline  
post #208 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 09:05 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Tampa area
Posts: 2,384
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Her FOO and CSA issues have warped her. In extreme cases adultery by this type of person is like "cutting" an act of seif loathing. The expression "it's not you, it's me" is dead on agree with the person and move on.

But that is not the choice Jay is making. He is reading and learning about her FOO and CSA issues. He is now going into a relationship with his eyes wide open. He knows the odds let him try. It has been awhile since he posted. I hope he found a board that gets down into the nitty gritty of what he is attempting and is succeeding or discovering the health and only choice is to divorce.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
JohnA is offline  
post #209 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 10:03 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 66
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Still passing through occasionally, just nothing new to report, haven't found any other boards -- plotting my own course for now (as you all know).

That said, I do appreciate that there's a group of people on my side as outraged as I am, which I why I scan the site once or twice a week, helps me stay sane.
JayOwen is offline  
post #210 of 247 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 10:09 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
He took the love of my life and threw back a lemon grenade in my wife's slit trench.
He blew up her VAGINA???

browser is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Loss of a child - long story Good Guy Dealing with Grief and Loss 66 08-17-2016 10:39 AM
Long time no see COguy General Relationship Discussion 7 08-10-2016 05:14 PM
Trying to be patient... Long post. lessthennone General Relationship Discussion 3 04-03-2016 12:34 AM
To BS who's WS had a long term affair... badmemory Coping with Infidelity 35 02-10-2016 04:08 PM
How long do women take to decide? thunderssmith Going Through Divorce or Separation 22 01-07-2016 11:59 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome