Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long) - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:42 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

What they all said.....

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post #17 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:42 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

I'm sorry but it doesn't look good for you, especially since you're not giving her any consequences, I mean she's got nothing to fear, you're still screwing her, sleeping with her and I'll bet you're doing your fair share of crying which is understandable but not the strong front you need to present to her.

You need to create serious doubt in her mind as to whether she'll get a second chance. Go nuclear, tell the world, get pissed off, don't be afraid to lose her or you most certainly will.

For what it's worth you write well.
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post #18 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:51 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

You have no real means to know if this affair went on before she asked you for an open marriage or if there have been other affairs in the time you had problems in your marriage.

The thing you know is that your wife wanted to get your (maybe retroactive) approval of having an affair which means she planned it. That she had sex with you was damage control and a way to throw you off her tail. She lied when she asked you, she lied afterwards and you can assume that she is lying now (at least lies of ommission), because why should she tell the (whole) truth? Trickle truth is damage control, minimizing is damage control, not remembering is damage control, the sex being bad is damage control (really bad one, because it makes her look even worse, why continue an affair if the sex is bad?). She seems to not want a D (at least for now), you are the safety net.

If you want to be the safety net and babysitter that takes care of the kids so she has time to eff around and you thinking about that every time she stays late in the office or when you see your neighbor then stay in the marriage. No consequences for her.

If you want to live a life without or at least a lot less of any of that go for D.

P.S.
There is nothing to be ashamed about. People who shame you because your wife cheated are not worth your time.
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post #19 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:54 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Originally Posted by snerg View Post
Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
Great advice, not just this part but your whole post, unfortunately he's posting here because he wants desperately to save his marriage as do most who post in this section so telling them to walk away is something they're just not ready or able to accept.

But maybe it will give him something to think about.

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Originally Posted by rzmpf View Post
There is nothing to be ashamed about. People who shame you because your wife cheated are not worth your time.
I think it's more of a feeling of embarassment- people will look at him and think "what did he do wrong" or "why didn't he provide for her needs" or "that poor sap never saw it coming" or "some other dude took his woman". Those people may not be "worth his time" but to know that people are thinking these things and talking about you just doesn't give that "feel good" sort of feeling.
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post #20 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:58 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Hi there JayOwen,

I am so very, very sorry that you are joining us in this place.

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Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
Exposure – if the affair has ended (so far that appears to be true) is that necessary? I want all her people to know, and none of mine. I’m so ashamed that my wife has done this to me, I know my friends will be supportive, but I just can’t feel lesser in their eyes. And my family, God. They LOVE this woman so much. I swear, they’d adopt her if they could. They’re either going to get their guts ripped out, or my sister is going to try to beat her ass. I can’t deal with all that stress right now.
Firstly, none of this is on you. The shame, the humiliation - it isn't yours, you did none of this. Whether your marriage was in a good place or not, your wife made the decision to have an affair. She had a multitude of other options available to her to address her unhappiness/dissatisfaction - far healthier and more moral options. Anyone who has gone through anything like this, is already on your side. And anyone who hasn't got a clue and decides it's OK to sit in judgement - well, fvck 'em. You tell whoever you will need support from, and that includes your family. If you need to expose more widely than that to ensure the affair ends or doesn't start up again, then you do that too. It isn't about being vindictive, it's about protecting yourself and your family.

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Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
Hi all,
What do I trust now?
You trust yourself. You already knew that something was wrong before you had proof. So just keep being open to whatever your intuition is telling you.

I believe that with enough love and commitment almost anything can achieved. You're going to hear a lot of pretty harsh stuff from people here at TAM over the few days. Their intentions are good, but I'm going to say it again, listen to YOUR heart and YOUR intuition.

Be strong.
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post #21 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 05:32 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Yep what they said. Rip off the bandaid


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post #22 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 05:48 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Yep. Rip it off. You'll question yourself but proceed. You can't really love her after this. You already don't but you just don't realise it yet. In 6 months you WILL be over the worst.

Humor her while you do it.
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post #23 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 06:12 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Wow, OP, just wow....how are you still sane? I am.....just wow.........

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #24 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 06:40 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

JayOwen,

Sorry this happened to you, it's not that you were stupid, but that you trusted and believed in your WW, that's a positive trait. It's not your fault that your WW abused your trust.

A "trainer" ugh, what repulsive human beings in many cases, they walk around my gym with a coffee cup or staring at their cell phones, every so often they get fired for getting involved with a "client".

You or the OM needs to move far away, you cannot endure living next to this creep or you will go out of your mind.

Gather every contact you can of the OMs, parents, siblings, uncles, grandparents, facebook, linkedin, church, work, husbands of women he trains and expose all and once in a firestorm of exposure. Do it all at once and without warning or threats. Posters on telephone poles are not out of the question warning of a public menace. Hiroshima.

Speak with OMW to find out if there are other OW you can expose to their BHs.

Expose your WW in like fashion. Nagasaki.

BTW your post was very readable it followed a timeline and was broken up into digestable paragraphs.

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post #25 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 06:51 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Originally Posted by Tatsuhiko View Post
Not that it really matters, but the affair could have been going on much longer than what she's told you. The "open marriage" question might have been her way of asking for after-the-fact permission in order to alleviate her guilt. I would not trust the things that she tells you. Cheaters have a gift for lying, specifically understating the amount of contact they had, or how enjoyable the sex was.

If I were you, I'd tell her to go ahead and call him. She should tell him that she's moving in. You can help her pack up her stuff and bring it over to the neighbor's house. I realize you want her back, but sometimes the most effective way of knocking her back into reality is to see what she's losing. She took you for granted for many, many years. Now she can see what it's like to have deep academic conversations with a musclehead instead an obviously talented writer.

Get a DNA kit to perform testing on the kids. Yes, you're sure that they're yours. But let her see the consequences of living as someone who cannot be trusted. Get an STD test for yourself and let her see the results. Most importantly, contact an attorney so that you become fully acquainted with your rights and how much alimony and child support you're entitled to, as well as what percentage of her 401K you can expect.


Sorry, @JayOwen, but I agree. DNA your children and get an STD/HIV test for yourself.

And even though you have had confirmation of her cheating, this thread Standard Evidence Post will be of great benefit to you.


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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!

Last edited by MattMatt; 10-26-2016 at 06:56 PM.
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post #26 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 08:36 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Originally Posted by Mizzbak View Post
Hi there JayOwen,

I am so very, very sorry that you are joining us in this place.


Firstly, none of this is on you. The shame, the humiliation - it isn't yours, you did none of this. Whether your marriage was in a good place or not, your wife made the decision to have an affair. She had a multitude of other options available to her to address her unhappiness/dissatisfaction - far healthier and more moral options.

You trust yourself. You already knew that something was wrong before you had proof. So just keep being open to whatever your intuition is telling you.

I believe that with enough love and commitment almost anything can achieved. You're going to hear a lot of pretty harsh stuff from people here at TAM over the few days. Their intentions are good, but I'm going to say it again, listen to YOUR heart and YOUR intuition.

Be strong.

Believe it or not there are couples who survive adultery. Reconciliation is incredibly hard (as is divorce) but if BOTH of you are completely committed reconciliation is very possible. I know of couples who have really put the work in & have ended-up with a MORE committed, open & honest communication, deep & loving loyal marriage.

The thing I kept in my mind like a mantra is "I have all the time in the world to decide what I want!". The cheating spouce however does NOT!! She has to choose RIGHT NOW, 100% what she is going to do. From what you say it sounds like she wants YOU, her family, her husband, her life. My other mantra "Hope for the best but plan for the worst!". You don't have to blindly trust her & it's completely natural not to.

She needs to be a completely open book. She doesn't get privacy. She doesn't get passwords on any of her devices. She doesn't get 'girls night out'. She NEVER gets to say "You should be over this by now!" NEVER!!


I've been in you situation. It's the worst pain I've ever known. Death of loved ones, chronic illness, even cancer doesn't compare. The horrible truth is...The person who broke you is the best one to help you heal. There's a free online book "How to help your spouce heal from an affair" by Linda McDonald (check my spelling). Your wife should be reading & studying it. If she can't stick to it then you should give-up.

I joined forums when I was in agony, loosing my mind. I found it a tremendous help. I learnt the new lexicon...gaslighting, trickle truth, rewriting marital history, cognitive dissonance etc.

I learnt all about "The Cheaters Script" that many members talk about. Often much of it is true. Sometimes it's all true. Sometimes...not so much!

This isn't going to be a popular statement on this forum but there's also the "BS (betrayed spouce) Script". I'm a BS. I truly know all about the absolute devastation & agony. I'm hurt, bitter & bloody angry! My love story has been shattered. The love of my life destroyed me. He turned into 'Mr Alien'. I never thought that he could be so cruel....However he DID NOT do half the things the "BS Script" predicts!!

The BS script...

* It's impossible for affair sex to be bad.
* It's impossible for the cheat to tell the truth about anything!
* The cheat can't deeply regret their actions & wish they had a time machine.
* You're always 2nd place 'chump'
* She can't possibly love you...it's all an act.
* She's still having sex with him (or wants to) or wants to shag every other man in your post code!!
* The affair her is the REAL her, everything before & after is all lies!!

To be honest my marriage & reconciliation is a terrible example! I'm one of those BS who needed to hear most of the standard "Kick him out. Tell everyone & anyone. Punish!! Attack!! Destroy!! Scorched earth actions!". That doesn't mean it's true for everyone & every adulterous marriage. I firmly believe that good people sometimes do horrific things. Only you know your wife, your life.

I just finished reading a couple of pages of "Burn the witch!!" & "Don't be pathetic! Kick her to the curb & make the w**re suffer!". You are a FAMILY. Some people can't ever even consider 2nd chances. Only you know if you are one of them. As I said, you have all the time in the world. You can file for divorce tomorrow or in a few years time. You are in control.

What do you want? (Other than a time machine & for it to of NEVER happened!)

I watched a YouTube lecture by a famous expert (can't remember her name) she said, "Staying is the new shame!". Reading your thread makes me feel like most of the members here agree. There is NO SHAME in working on your marriage or preserving your family. If your wife is truly sorry & is willing to do all that you need to heal THERE IS NO SHAME IN STAYING.

There is also no shame in knowing that you can never handle this & divorcing.

I know that my family will NEVER forgive & accept my H again if they know the truth. They are also very emotionally fragile at the moment. I chose not to expose except to a couple of friends....it's changed my (& my husbands) relationship with them.

Whatever you choose I wish you all the best. I'm so sorry that you know this agony.
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post #27 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 08:40 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Jay,

So what you have now is lover boy still living next door and you travelling for work and your wife still "grieving" or "pining" for him. Do you really believe she is going to stay away from him????

You have been given good advice and from someone who also got the open marriage request, but who reconciled but with different circumstances than you, I am telling you to go "nuclear" on her and file for divorce immediately. As you have been told, you can stoop in at any time you want to,

And in your case, with him next door at least until his house sells, you need to tell her if you get this far, that before you stop the divorce, which depends on her actions, not words, she will pass a polygraph test verifying that she has had no personal or physical contact with him.

And she should be offering, without you saying a word, to account for every ****ing minute of her day and night with you.

You also need to install VAR's in her car AND your home. That will tell you very quickly if she is still in contact with him.

And lastly, you need a WRITTEN timeline, telling her that it better be complete and accurate and that if the polygraph proves it to be untrue that you are done.

Right now, she has not only cheated but probably done it either in your home , in your car, and within earshot of you next door. About as disrespectful as it gets.

You cannot control her but you can control you and take the decisions away from her. You do not want to be "reasonable" in her eyes and let her sit in the fence grieving the losss of her fun, and play what is called the "pick me game".
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post #28 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 09:13 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Ha "the sex was bad"? Yeah, she must have been going back to see if it might get better?

Gotta love cheater script
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post #29 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 09:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Thank you all, I am considering everything.

I do believe she wants to reconcile. And while I could see it down the road, I now realize I was probably going about it the wrong way though. Oddly, this evening in exposing to everyone (both her people and mine) I started to feel at peace. She is gone to me, and though I miss what I had, I've been through enough breakups to know that it's over.

I do believe that she's not slept with him in the past 72 hours (ha) but I think all this is spot on, it was only a matter of time before a relapse. I found it odd how quickly she was willing to cut it off, took it as a sign of her love for me. But if she built up to this for 18 months (at least) planned it for months, hid it for weeks ... it wasn't a mistake, was it? It wasn't getting drunk and making out -- not that that would have been okay.

Even if it was not malicious, she was powerless to stop herself, especially now she's hurting and if I'm not around. I know this sounds naive -- but there's not really a chance that she has like a brain tumor or a psychotic break, right? She's just so unlike the woman I married and have our first children with.

And so now, I have an appointment on Friday to start the filing. I hope we can be good to each other through the porcess. I have no proof other than her admission and she will now be ultra careful if she does carry on, hopefully that will not affect things.

So we'll see.

In the meantime... I don't know. Clean the house I guess? She's away on work -- no idea if the dip**** is with her. I'm starting to not care. She was pissed that I exposed to everyone. Hopefully that passes, I really hope she is not losing it to the point she might start to use the kids.

I told my friends. They're supportive, I don't know why I ever hesitated -- it's a good group of guys. I have people at least, I now realize.
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post #30 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 09:28 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Originally Posted by BrokenLady View Post
I know of couples who have really put the work in & have ended-up with a MORE committed, open & honest communication, deep & loving loyal marriage
In my experience this only really the case when the marriage was really bad to begin with. In that case yes it's better but better is relative. If the cheated party was generally a good spouse they almost always settling. The marriage will never be what most people want when they get married, there will always be doubt, there will always be a third party in the marriage, the AP, even if they are long gone. Their memory will haunt the marriage forever. Go read some post on SI when that talk about 10, 15, 20 years out. They never really sound happy.

My favorite is the thread on SI/recovery that pops up from time to time "if you know now what you know then would you marry your SO". The answer is 10-1 hell no. When it is yes it is mostly because they had kids and wouldn't want to not have the kids they love, but 9-10 if they answer is yes it isn't because they got to stay with their SO. If marriages were truly better you would think the ratio would be higher. People on the R board don't like to admit it but this thread proves it to me. R is a bad bet, and the BS is almost always settling in life.

Last edited by sokillme; 10-26-2016 at 09:44 PM.
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