Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long) - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 555Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 09:28 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,262
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
I’m seeing signs of remorse, but there’s still a lot of “I don’t know” and “it was a blur”. She tells me the sex was bad, I’ve read that’s a common white lie. She’s been slow to reveal details, though I’m getting most of them now I think. I believe she wiped her phone after I confronted her. I can see why she would do this, but I’m not sure if this is a huge red flag or not. She otherwise seems remorseful and checking off all the boxes.

It's not remourse but regret at being caught.

I do have a few questions that I was hoping someone could help with:

Exposure – if the affair has ended (so far that appears to be true) is that necessary? I want all her people to know, and none of mine. I’m so ashamed that my wife has done this to me, I know my friends will be supportive, but I just can’t feel lesser in their eyes. And my family, God. They LOVE this woman so much. I swear, they’d adopt her if they could. They’re either going to get their guts ripped out, or my sister is going to try to beat her ass. I can’t deal with all that stress right now.

Exposure is to end the affair. If they have contact it will continue. You didn't cause this but you won't be the first to help hide their affair and live to regret it.

Speaking of proximity, how do I deal with daily (or multiple times a day) triggers, and it seems like a huge risk for my wife. Especially when I travel. How do I track her movements while I’m gone?

You can't stop her from seeing him if she wants to but you can take yourself out of the infidelity. Set boundaries and stick with them or you'll linger in imbo hell


How do I deal with the fact that she’s being remorseful and honest, but today she told me that she wanted to call him? She didn’t. But she felt that way. It feels honest, and a good step. So I’m glad. But I’m also not sure, I didn’t trust so many red flags that I saw before. What do I trust now?

You can't trust anything about her at this time. She's addicted to the affair sex and wants to continue.

And more than anything, I just need to know that I’ll be happy again one day. The kids are already picking up on it. I can’t raise three children who imprint that “a good Dad” is one who’s miserable. Like what are the odds here? 50-50 if you’re willing to work? Or … Han Solo navigating an asteroid field?

Anyway, if you managed to defeat that wall of text. Thank you. Here’s your reward: my gratitude for reading the entirety of my pain at a time when I just need somebody to listen.
Don't jump into a reconciliation with taking time to think this through. It's the worst thing you can do. It says I'll do anything to save our marriage even if you continue to screw him.

Your fear and weakness at this time are your worst enemies.

Marc878 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 09:55 PM
Member
 
jsmart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,031
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Your words: she denied you love and intimacy for roughly 3 years. The occasional romp during this period. You attributed it to the third baby and the pregnancy weight that she had a hard time losing.

But it was more than that. She had lost the desire for you and what you could offer and gave it to a neighbor.

You put her infatuation and her grooming him [each other] into a month time frame. I suspect that it was going on much longer.

And her being in Academia.....this may not be her first rodeo, after your marriage??

This is what hurts the most. She longed for this affair. She plotted and planned it. She had fantasies about this.

How cruel of her to offer up an open marriage. She has no boundaries.

She has three young children and pulls this crap. Where is the maturity, the common sense. This is letting the VJ rule the big head. You did nothing to deserve this.....from what you have chronicled.

She does not deserve a 2d chance. No way Jose. Why? Because of her age, her education, the fact that she has three babies and a good, loyal husband and she was willing to throw it all away for sex?

Educated women she is.........smart, insightful, intuitive, spiritual, kind, emphatic....NOT. She threw you off the cliff...... using immature cliff-notes tactics.

To no avail. You can fly on your own. I suggest you get away from her. I pity those babies. Take good care of them during your 50 percent custody.
I agree 100% . This woman is not remorseful, she's just regrets getting caught. She wants the honor that comes with being a wife and mother but acts like a sleazy wh0re. Grabbing every opportunity to blow this guy, even in your car and probably your house when kids go to bed. Of course a POS "trainer" is going to accept an easy BJ.

The affair has been going on from WAY before she asked about an open marriage. She was just getting tired of hiding and wanted to go public with her man.

Your wife probably has resentment with being main bread winner. Though most women will talk about not caring if there husband makes less and a few outliers will post about how they make more than their husband and are fine with it, the truth is most women don't like the pressure.

Then there is this common theme I've seen many times of women that get lifted up by their husband, forgetting the man that helped make it possible. She just looks at you and wonders if she can do better.

I know you don't want to break up your family and thereby have your 3 kids grow up in a broken home but you wife has betrayed you in a very vile and calculated way.

With this POS living next door and you traveling often, you'll have to live as a freaking detective. That is a life of misery. This is after she denied you for the past three years while she was draining this guy several times a week not counting the sex.

Practically every guy I've known IRL or through their story online has ended up with a hotter and way younger woman. You've been with a woman 7 years older than you for years, when you hook up with one much younger than you, you'll wonder what was wrong with you even considering taking a cheating wife back.
jsmart is offline  
post #33 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 10:22 PM
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 6,041
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Think about it. If you reconciled what would you get? Back to a disinterested wife and sex every 6-9 months? Why bother?
WorkingOnMe is offline  
 
post #34 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 10:27 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 78
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Think about it. If you reconciled what would you get? Back to a disinterested wife and sex every 6-9 months? Why bother?
Yeah, that's what's got me dragging down right now. The period where I thought we were getting back to "us" from the good old days turned out just to be the overflow from her infatuation with him (when with him, great for us, when on "break" with him, grumpy and affectionless)

So yeah, we get back together and its just ... the doldrums period all over again?

Can't do it man. It's becoming clearer.
JayOwen is offline  
post #35 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 10:30 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 858
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
Thank you all, I am considering everything.

I do believe she wants to reconcile. And while I could see it down the road, I now realize I was probably going about it the wrong way though. Oddly, this evening in exposing to everyone (both her people and mine) I started to feel at peace. She is gone to me, and though I miss what I had, I've been through enough breakups to know that it's over.

I do believe that she's not slept with him in the past 72 hours (ha) but I think all this is spot on, it was only a matter of time before a relapse. I found it odd how quickly she was willing to cut it off, took it as a sign of her love for me. But if she built up to this for 18 months (at least) planned it for months, hid it for weeks ... it wasn't a mistake, was it? It wasn't getting drunk and making out -- not that that would have been okay.

Even if it was not malicious, she was powerless to stop herself, especially now she's hurting and if I'm not around. I know this sounds naive -- but there's not really a chance that she has like a brain tumor or a psychotic break, right? She's just so unlike the woman I married and have our first children with.

And so now, I have an appointment on Friday to start the filing. I hope we can be good to each other through the porcess. I have no proof other than her admission and she will now be ultra careful if she does carry on, hopefully that will not affect things.

So we'll see.

In the meantime... I don't know. Clean the house I guess? She's away on work -- no idea if the dip**** is with her. I'm starting to not care. She was pissed that I exposed to everyone. Hopefully that passes, I really hope she is not losing it to the point she might start to use the kids.

I told my friends. They're supportive, I don't know why I ever hesitated -- it's a good group of guys. I have people at least, I now realize.

Jay,

You can bet your 401K that is she is still telling you that despite what has happened that she wants to call her OM, that this is NOT over. Do not believe a word she says to you, and do not let the fear of her not being amicable taint your actions. You be amicable as long as she takes what you decide and not one second longer. She is not the victim here my friend and you do not let her play it.

This OM has just had a ****fest anytome your wife could get free and he is not going to give that up as long as your wife is still willing to talk to him. And she is going to talk to him. Of course she may appear she wants to reconcile. With him living next door and you travelling she knows you cannot catch her again unless you get lucky.

My bet is the next move will be a burner phone.

Jay, she is sorry she was stupid enough to walk out of the house with you there and get caught. That is all she is sorry about other than it may be starting to hit her that you are not going to accept what she has done.

Like someone said, you have no real options here that are the basis for any reconciliation
(1) she is obviously still "pining" for him and is probably less than a three minute walk from his bed
(2) you have no way to track her with this proximity
(3) you cannot trust anything she says

Do not get bogged down in this "fog" bull ****. She is in no fog. She planned this all along, it went on for longer than you know, and she had absol;utterly no intention of stopping it. You will never have a moments peace with him next door. She should be crawling across the floor BEGGING you. Instead she is telling you she misses him.

You did the absolute correct thing exposing this and if you can you ought to expose it to his ex wife if you can find her so that she is not duped into getting back with him since he might try that because you blew up his daily blow job fun.

If your wife is calmly walking around going about her business and just telling you she is sorry you are making a big mistake if you even consider R right now.

Play a little game and if you even get into that conversation tell her she will take a polygraph every quarter for a year and just watch her reaction. Even if you have no intention of doing it she will resemble Casper The Ghost knowing there is absolutely no chance she will fool you again anytime in the foreseeable future.

Remember, you CAN stop a divorce any time you want to.
straightshooter is offline  
post #36 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 10:35 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: USA/UK
Posts: 160
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
In my experience this only really the case when the marriage was really bad to begin with. In that case yes it's better but better is relative. If the cheated party was generally a good spouse they almost always settling. The marriage will never be what most people want when they get married, there will always be doubt, there will always be a third party in the marriage, the AP, even if they are long gone. Their memory will haunt the marriage forever. Go read some post on SI when that talk about 10, 15, 20 years out. They never really sound happy.

My favorite is the thread on SI/recovery that pops up from time to time "if you know now what you know then would you marry your SO". The answer is 10-1 hell no. When it is yes it is mostly because they had kids and wouldn't want to not have the kids they love, but 9-10 if they answer is yes it isn't because they got to stay with their SO. If marriages were truly better you would think the ratio would be higher. People on the R board don't like to admit it but this thread proves it to me. R is a bad bet, and the BS is almost always settling in life.

I'm a hapless romantic which is why I can't get the thought "He killed our love story!" out of my head. I've been with my husband my entire adult life but I can't stop my brain from doubting EVERYTHING. I'm nearly convinced that I'm not the reconciling kind.

My husband had NEVER voiced a complaint about our marriage. I had emergency, life saving surgery. I still pushed hard to do everything while my H still worked very long hours. I was NOT a cripple & he was NOT my care taker. He blamed his affair on being sick of being surrounded by sickness. Oh it so bloody hard!!!

Anyway, my husband first had an affair with her 12 years ago. Yep! SAME OW 12 YEARS later!!

After the first time we did reconcile. So very much life happened in those years. He was wonderful! He spotted my triggers before I did. We had our babies. We lived through the best & worst experiences of life together & I HONESTLY forgave & nearly completely forgot! I convinced myself that he had a mental break. He was such an alien whilst having his affair. He went from a kind, gentle man to an abusive monster. I excused, forgave & forgot.

OK my whole life turned to s**t BUT I know it's possible to go through the very worst & get through & over it.

As I said, I'm a horrible example. When I needed him the most he betrayed me!!

I don't know. I really don't. I'm totally screwed-up. I can't believe my life has come to this.

Am I making sense??

Reconciliation was a horrible idea for me 12 years ago & it's a terrible idea now.....

BUT I believe that if a couple truly want to reconcile they can VERY successfully. Something will always be different. The innocence is forever gone but.....
BrokenLady is offline  
post #37 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 11:06 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,980
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenLady View Post
I'm a hapless romantic which is why I can't get the thought "He killed our love story!" out of my head. I've been with my husband my entire adult life but I can't stop my brain from doubting EVERYTHING. I'm nearly convinced that I'm not the reconciling kind.

My husband had NEVER voiced a complaint about our marriage. I had emergency, life saving surgery. I still pushed hard to do everything while my H still worked very long hours. I was NOT a cripple & he was NOT my care taker. He blamed his affair on being sick of being surrounded by sickness. Oh it so bloody hard!!!

Anyway, my husband first had an affair with her 12 years ago. Yep! SAME OW 12 YEARS later!!

After the first time we did reconcile. So very much life happened in those years. He was wonderful! He spotted my triggers before I did. We had our babies. We lived through the best & worst experiences of life together & I HONESTLY forgave & nearly completely forgot! I convinced myself that he had a mental break. He was such an alien whilst having his affair. He went from a kind, gentle man to an abusive monster. I excused, forgave & forgot.

OK my whole life turned to s**t BUT I know it's possible to go through the very worst & get through & over it.

As I said, I'm a horrible example. When I needed him the most he betrayed me!!

I don't know. I really don't. I'm totally screwed-up. I can't believe my life has come to this.

Am I making sense??

Reconciliation was a horrible idea for me 12 years ago & it's a terrible idea now.....

BUT I believe that if a couple truly want to reconcile they can VERY successfully. Something will always be different. The innocence is forever gone but.....
Ah that is horrible. I am so very very sorry for you. Why do you choose not to have hope that you can have a better life with someone who won't cheat on you? Why have you decided that this one man and his commitment is the key to your continued happiness and love? Sounds like he has hurt you terribly twice and the second time used something that you had no control over to justify it. Your sickness. That's so awful. He doesn't sound like a very nice person. Thing is it is a very big world out there, you can still have hope and a great life.

Anyway I am sorry you are suffering, truly I am. By the way, maybe he did kill yours and his love story, doesn't mean you can't have a great love story, maybe just not with him. That is what is hard for BS to see, their life feels like it is over, but it isn't it will be great again. But you can't move on if you are tied to the person who hurt you.

Anyway hang in there.

This is kind of my point. It's such a risk.
sokillme is offline  
post #38 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 11:49 PM
Member
 
jsmart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,031
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
Jay,

You can bet your 401K that is she is still telling you that despite what has happened that she wants to call her OM, that this is NOT over. Do not believe a word she says to you, and do not let the fear of her not being amicable taint your actions. You be amicable as long as she takes what you decide and not one second longer. She is not the victim here my friend and you do not let her play it.

This OM has just had a ****fest anytome your wife could get free and he is not going to give that up as long as your wife is still willing to talk to him. And she is going to talk to him. Of course she may appear she wants to reconcile. With him living next door and you travelling she knows you cannot catch her again unless you get lucky.

My bet is the next move will be a burner phone.

Jay, she is sorry she was stupid enough to walk out of the house with you there and get caught. That is all she is sorry about other than it may be starting to hit her that you are not going to accept what she has done.

Like someone said, you have no real options here that are the basis for any reconciliation
(1) she is obviously still "pining" for him and is probably less than a three minute walk from his bed
(2) you have no way to track her with this proximity
(3) you cannot trust anything she says

Do not get bogged down in this "fog" bull ****. She is in no fog. She planned this all along, it went on for longer than you know, and she had absol;utterly no intention of stopping it. You will never have a moments peace with him next door. She should be crawling across the floor BEGGING you. Instead she is telling you she misses him.

You did the absolute correct thing exposing this and if you can you ought to expose it to his ex wife if you can find her so that she is not duped into getting back with him since he might try that because you blew up his daily blow job fun.

If your wife is calmly walking around going about her business and just telling you she is sorry you are making a big mistake if you even consider R right now.

Play a little game and if you even get into that conversation tell her she will take a polygraph every quarter for a year and just watch her reaction. Even if you have no intention of doing it she will resemble Casper The Ghost knowing there is absolutely no chance she will fool you again anytime in the foreseeable future.

Remember, you CAN stop a divorce any time you want to.
While she had a 1 , 4, and 7 year old children to take care of, this woman plotted on how to hookup with POS. She even had the gall to ask for an open marriage. Don't believe for a second it was due to guilt. It was so she can go out in public with her soulmate and not have to hide.

There is no way she's going to stop the affair with OM being next door and you traveling. Think about it. She couldn't control herself even with the whole family being home. What kind of woman leaves her house at night with her husband and 3 young kids at home so she can suck a guy off.

There is nothing to salvage. Days after being busted, she's telling you she wants to call OM. What for? closure?

If you read the threads here you'll learn about how many BHs think they're in R meanwhile their WW is still at it. Some for YEARS. When you read it from the WW's point of view on LS, you really see into the mind of a WW. These women will obsess over the OM night and day. Yes, they claim their good mothers and employees, yet all they think about is the OM. Most would leave to be with their soulmate if these guys were would have them but of course few men want to take on a cheater with another man's kids.

You tried to salvage the marriage but you were not aware that another was getting her best. Speaking of her best, while you're getting occasional duty sex, POS is getting EVERYTHING on the menu.

File and don't look back. In due time you'll have a late 20s to early 30s woman who'll love to be with a good man.

Last edited by jsmart; 10-26-2016 at 11:54 PM.
jsmart is offline  
post #39 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 11:59 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: In the fort behind the sofa
Posts: 5,250
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

You've filed for divorce, who cares what she does now. Or who she sees.

Just get tested for STDs.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
Malaise is offline  
post #40 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 05:12 AM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 688
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
People on the R board don't like to admit it but this thread proves it to me. R is a bad bet, and the BS is almost always settling in life.
Quoted for truth.

I see many 'reconciled' members on that board and the list of atrocities their cheating spouses pulled on them is enough to make you throw up in your mouth. Cheaters with numerous OCs, years of hidden gay activities, 15 year long affairs, years of serial cheating, members who have to number the amount of OWs in order to keep them all straight, those whose cheaters who have been frequenting escorts and massage parlors for the last 5 or 10 years, and on and on.

And not surprisingly, most are STILL monitoring their supposed 'former' cheater's activities to some extent or another. Why anyone would willingly sign up for that sh*t show for the rest of their lives is beyond me; I have to assume it's desperation or an affinity for eating a steady diet of sh*t sandwiches well into their twilight years.

She'sStillGotIt is offline  
post #41 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 06:54 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 30
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Jay, so sorry you're going thru this.

Reading your story made me pretty sad and angry for you.

Your wife is incredibly selfish to have dumped this load of crap on your head. Three young kids ... and with the God damn next door neighbour. Great you get to LIVE next door to the POS. Wow that's cruel on her part, just wow. It's also pretty classless, like white trash classless, to **** the next door neighbour.

Just out of curiosity, how old is the POS? Is he also younger than her? Even younger than you?

Her telling you the sex was bad. Probably a lie, but no better for you if she really meant it - because it means bad sex with the POS was better than sex with you. And you should add getting yourself checked for STDs to your to do list.

---

Even though you've decided to file, I suppose there's a chance things might improve a lot once the POS sells the house and is gone. You've got 3 kids, too so maybe reconciling might still be in the cards?

From what you've described, for the last few years your marriage was pretty rocky. That makes it even tougher to reconcile for the both of you after she's cheated. Obviously your communication would need to go from months of walled off emotion to husband-wife caring and communication. Full on counselling and work for you two, the kind of stuff you were trying when the roof caved in on your marriage.

I think it could kill your soul to play the 'pick me dance' now with your wife and POS. Especially when your dance competition is a fitness bro, and when high fitness is so important in a man for your wife. Don't beg to save your marriage, she should be begging you not to divorce her.

Also, if you decide to try to reconcile, I'd insist on a lie detector test first for your wife. Just how deep is this rabbit hole of infidelity? Was this her first rodeo? What exactly are you trying to recover from? (A lie detector test for my wife helped end the suspicions that were a death spiral in my marriage).

---

Let me echo others who've said you write very well.

Courage Jay. Be strong, your kids need you.

Last edited by SnowToArmPits; 10-27-2016 at 07:04 AM.
SnowToArmPits is offline  
post #42 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 07:14 AM
Member
 
jmiller2020's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 40
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

First of all what a huge heart break. I'm so sorry for everybody involved, your kids especially. I can't imagine how shattered you feel right now as as well as feeling just dumbfounded and taken like a fool. I just wanted to say that much so far and I'll write more once I get to work. Hang in there you're in the right community.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
jmiller2020 is offline  
post #43 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 10:07 AM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,584
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
Remember, you CAN stop a divorce any time you want to.
Oh, yes.

And OP can step in front of a bus heading down the road at 60 mph...... He won't do this because the outcome is too obvious.

The divorce itself?

Stop the Divorce?

Why stop? Here is why....These bullets between the eye, points---> Common-sense, love-of-life and pride-of-self will not let OP step out....commit sewer-cide. Will not let him stop the divorce.

The after-effect-stink that that transderms the skin will not just make OP's surface entity stink...the odor will permeate his skin...down to the subcutaneous layer where it is stored in the adipose fat cells.

And there it stores......until this betrayed husband sweats it out.....burns it out at the gym....or during anxious sweaty sleepless nights.

This will be a lifelong tragedy, a lifelong Soap Opera. Why? Those three children will never let this loving husband forget what coulda, wouda, shouda been....had she kept her fantasies immaterial and her shaven legs closed, her lips only to touch her husband and children...........not the neighbors ribbed phallus.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is online now  
post #44 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 10:41 AM
RWB
Member
 
RWB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,034
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
Hi all,
I’m a ****ing idiot.
JO,

Join the crowd... When my wife was cheating on me, there were more FLAGS waving than Half-Time at a High School football game.

The first time you get cheated on, your brain just won't let the truth get thru. Your blinded by love, honor, duty and family. Sadly but thankfully those days are forever GONE.

You can't change the past (you know that). Time to start focusing on YOUR future. Your current marriage is now over regardless of R or D. That's a fact.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
RWB is offline  
post #45 of 241 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 78
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Hi all,

Me again. Yesterday proved to be somewhat cathartic, telling everyone about it. I got a lot of support from all sides, and not a lot of negativity towards my wife, which I actually was thankful for. Clearly there are some very deep issues that she needs to work on, and she will need the support of many people to get through them (for the sake of our children).

In the meantime, I'm not sticking around at least not in a marriage sense (I have no plans to leave town, just move out). As I noted in a previous reply I have already made an appointment with a lawyer, my lawyer buddy is also looking for local recommendations in case I'm not satisfied with the quality of the firm I've already contacted.

I have a list of other things to do ASAP, would like your input as to whether it seems good and if there are things I'm missing:

1) Get another STD test, mine was recent enough as part of a regular wellness review (2 months ago) but I now realize that if the timeline I'm being told is accurate then the affair would've started AFTER the test.

2) Get paternity tests for the kids.

3) Fitness Bro isn't getting traction on sale of his house. I will be seeking out a real estate agent to try and figure out the scenarios. If I can sell it as is and not take a bath I'll do it. If there's "must-dos" to sell in winter then at least I'll know. In the meantime I plan on starting packing boxes as another sign to my wife that things have ended.

4) I have not approached HR at her workplace (where she did carry this affair on) because, honestly, if she loses her job or just fizzles out then this situation becomes 10X more difficult for me.

5) I will not be approaching Fitness Bro's ex-wife because she is (allegedly) unstable and I won't contribute to her gaining full custody of their son -- that kid has too much to deal with already. So unfortunately that's off the table. I am considering reaching out to his pastor as I realized he told me which church they go to. I'm also considering reaching out to him and saying basically "Look, I know it probably won't stop, and that's up to you, but if you're willing to help protect my family in the way that I am looking out for yours then ... something I'm not sure what.

6) I will be installing continuously recording cameras covering all sides of the house to ensure that the affair is not brought into our home. Any recommendations for systems that do not require five year commitments (like most security companies)?

7) I've seen a few mentions of polygraphs -- it's interesting on one level, but not sure if its necessary any longer (even if there is the desperate part of that wishes for the magic wand that takes everything back to the good 'ol days). But if I do decided I need it -- how do I go about locating? Lawyer? Google?

Thanks all, it's helpful.

Last edited by JayOwen; 04-13-2017 at 10:24 PM. Reason: Edited to remove some personal details
JayOwen is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Loss of a child - long story Good Guy Dealing with Grief and Loss 66 08-17-2016 10:39 AM
Long time no see COguy General Relationship Discussion 7 08-10-2016 05:14 PM
Trying to be patient... Long post. lessthennone General Relationship Discussion 3 04-03-2016 12:34 AM
To BS who's WS had a long term affair... badmemory Coping with Infidelity 35 02-10-2016 04:08 PM
How long do women take to decide? thunderssmith Going Through Divorce or Separation 22 01-07-2016 11:59 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome